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The One Ring Forums:
Tolkien Topics: Fan Art:
*ROFL* Ah, me! Oh my... *applause*:
Edit Log
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Lurker in the Mirk
Doriath
Aug 10 2014, 5:52am
Views: 15843
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*ROFL* Ah, me! Oh my... *applause*
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Kerewyn, you are hereby appointed official biographer to Bilbo Baggins, also know as the Hobbit of Bag End, Bag Shot Row, The Shire. Report there forthwith!
First: I am delighted and highly honoured that bit sparked this little gem from you   But I still contend this should have its own thread!
Thralls do suffer such horrible fates do they not? "But his radiant proximity had done its worst and the Thrall could no longer speak. Her tongue was frozen, her mind bedazzled, fully star-struck, like a stag in the headlights of a hybrid SUV blundering expertly down a dirt road. Deep inside her nether regions, a vital organ was exploding. She would never bear children." Nice image works there.
Too bad we might never learn the truth about that selfie. More's the pity.
Oh my... the Ring's glamour is turning out to be quite the mundane reality:
"He’d become used to this by now – it was rather like looking through a pane of glass that one has spat on, only to find that, because a huge sneeze caused by housework – or should one say ‘holework’ - refuses to be diverted, one is forced to use one’s window cleaning rag in rapid emergency, being the temporary absence of one’s pocket handkerchief because the weather is unseasonably wet and they are all still drying by the fireplace in the front parlour, and then one forgets about the contents of one’s nostrils and goes to wipe the window with it anyway, leaving a nasty smudgy smear and really, it’s most annoying – one has to now find a clean cloth and start all over again – truly a day’s housework is best behind one, when a body can settle in front of the fire with feet up and enjoy a nice bowl of hapuka soup, a large hunk of bread and vegemite, and a cleanskin of … '
I am sniggering at the Hobbitty practicality of the narrative, and at the same time feeling envious of Bilbo's long acquaintance with Thranduil (however distantly), because this is truth: "Closer inspection of the King’s legendary beauty was required, for a fellow cannot gaze on such magnificence through the myopic filter of a ring-spell without squinting and getting something of a watery eye-ache. With care, and daring his heart to continue beating so loudly, Bilbo withdrew the ring from his finger and patted it into place in his waistcoat pocket."
And hey, someone obviously has been hiding the goodies in her larder. This is lard-up!, no doubt about it:
"The wine was being delicately decanted into an elegantly-wrought vessel by the fine-fingered be-jewelled hands of the tallest Elf Bilbo had ever encountered in his humble life, taller even than Gandalf; glowing in both stature and the platinum blonde halo, which fell like a shimmering waterfall from the point above the alabaster temples to the point where it pooled nicely on the bicep area. Though said biceps were now encased in a flowing, voluminously-sleeved garment of silver that flickered with mauve highlights, Bilbo recalled the fine definition he had seen from afar, part of a gold-robed physique that spread awe and respect amongst many who viewed it, and a hopeless longing to be more greatly acquainted with it amongst others. "
Poor Bilbo, to be confused in his feels by perpetual hunger pangs and Elvenking thralldom. Heady combo indeed
So... do we now get a "Dear Diary" appendix in TW4 with regards to the unmentionably emotive hugs that disagreeable Dwarf metes out on the poor Hobbit with abandon?  
I shall leave off, to keep from quoting the whole story and giving the climatic cliff-hanger away, but woohoo, gobsmacking revelations indeed!!! *Still LoL'ing*
I'm a lurker. Fan of both books and movies; it seems I have severely misnamed myself... for the moment.
Appreciating Thranduil, thread by thread: I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX
(Tis true! More appreciation threads for Thranduil exist than ME movies)
 Thrall Wars!: What business do Elves, Dwarves or Men(?) have with drooling thralls, yea, with smartphones in tow, unto the slopes of Erebor? ... oh, yes, the Hobbit's lingering in some shadows, ever ready to swoop to the hairy rescue. Take cover if you dare!
Teh partsies: Prologue (aka the 'tater-mash of whatever came before), Two, Three, Four (new! posted 16 Jul)
"BoFA"= The Battle || "BotFA"/"tBofTA" = The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
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 Middle-earth dispatches out of the lurkmirk
(This post was edited by Lurker in the Mirk on Aug 10 2014, 6:00am)
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