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Foe
Lorien
Feb 23 2007, 2:14pm
Post #1 of 64
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For some reason, be it stress or whatever, I have been thinking a lot about friendships past and present and it has me looking at my innerself quite extensively.
First and foremost, I want to thank those of you who do consider me a friend and who honor me with their friendship. I know I do not always come through or do the things that other friends do, but I do, really, appreciate the friendship of everyone who gives it to me, even on the smallest level. I apologize to anyone who sees this on multiple messageboards, I really want everyone to see this as I need to get it off my chest.
I know that in the past I've done and said some things that I am truly ashamed of when it comes to friends, especially online friends. For maybe a year, during that whole "make my own message board" phase, I made lots of bad decisions. I hurt people, I was saying things about people and places that really embarasses me now, looking back. I did and said some very bad things to and about people on that board, and others, and I am truly sorry. No offense meant to anyone that was a member then or now but ASF was not a good influence on me, even though I was the creator. It was created out of anger/spite. How could it be positive for me? I made a mistake and because of it, lost friends (and rightfully so), probably made enemies, and essentially black spotted and black listed myself in other places and with other people. I hear my name still comes up in a negative light over there sometimes, which only makes me sorry all the more for what I've done. I want to apologize to everyone that I hurt, even in the slightest, as I am truly sorry.
Since I quit, I have made an honest effort to be a better person. I have attempted to contact those that I hurt to try to make things right and I think one person emailed me back and accepted my apology. I am grateful for that one positive response. Of course, I had hoped for more, but I do accept and acknowledge my actions, so expecting anyone or everyone to accept my apology is asking a lot.
So those of you who continue to befriend me, through all of that or if you never knew or cared about it, I thank you and appreciate your kindness and acceptance.
I am very sorry to everyone I have hurt.
I will not soon forget what I've done or who I was , which hopefully will allow me to better who I am.
Email Foe!
Foe's LiveJournal!
Foe's Myspace!
YIM, AIM, MSN= foehelm
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FingonOfPittsburgh
Lorien
Feb 23 2007, 2:20pm
Post #2 of 64
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Ya know, Foe - many of us do things in the anonymous wasteland of cyberspace that we sometimes regret.  I too have spoken harshly at times for no reason whatsoever, other than to provoke someone whose face I can't see. I've lived to regret those posts too. So I know where you're coming from. Don't be too hard on yourself.
I'm sure others will echo this: you're a valuable contributor to Torn, and have been since your first post. In fact I'd say you're one of the best. You're very witty and clever and your posts never fail to bring a smile to one's face.
I'm glad you're back here on these new boards, and I look forward to many more priceless threads from you. 
Out of the darkness of my life, so much frustrated, I put before you the one great thing to love on earth: the Blessed Sacrament... There you will find romance, glory, honour, fidelity, and the true way of all your loves on earth, and more than that: Death: by the divine paradox, that which ends life, and demands the surrender of all, and yet by the taste (or foretaste) of which alone can what you seek in your earthly relationships (love, faithfulness, joy) be maintained, or take on that complexion of reality, of eternal endurance, which every man's heart desires.
--J.R.R. Tolkien, Letter #43, to his son Michael
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Aunt Dora Baggins
Immortal
Feb 23 2007, 2:27pm
Post #3 of 64
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Well, I have no idea what you're talking about, but {{{Foe}}}
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I've always enjoyed your posts here. There's too much here for me to read all of it, but there are some people whose posts I make an effort to read, because I know it will be rewarding. You are one of them.
When I've done thing I regret, my husband has wise words for me. He says, "It's too late to change the past. All you can do is resolve to do better in the future." And that's what I do. I try to make amends, as it sounds like you've done, and then I move on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"For DORA BAGGINS in memory of a LONG correspondence, with love from Bilbo; on a large wastebasket. Dora was Drogo's sister, and the eldest surviving female relative of Bilbo and Frodo; she was ninety-nine, and had written reams of good advice for more than half a century."
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Chance Meeting at Rivendell: a Tolkien Fanfic
and some other stuff I wrote...
leleni at hotmail dot com
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Advising Elf
Rohan
Feb 23 2007, 2:44pm
Post #4 of 64
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It takes a big man to admit he's made mistakes.
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Everyone makes them, but not many admit them, much less apologize for them, and publicly at that. I don't know your story, but I know that you were absent from TORn for a while, so I'm assuming that's the time you're referring to.
Life's a process (how I *hate* that word!). You go forward, fall down, and hopefully get up, learn, and keep going. There's nothing wrong with making mistakes. What's wrong is never admiting it or learning from them.
It's why I really like Boromir in the books. I couldn't stand him the first 2 times I read them. It wasn't until the third time through that I realized what a hero he was and what an improtant part he had in the "humility theme" of the story. He was a jerk until he realized that he'd blown it, then he humbled himself, admitted what he'd done, and gave himself for the sake of others. In contrast to Saruman, who knew he blew it, but never let go of his pride, and became a miserable, unforgiving, spiteful vandal.
I don't know how to say this without sounding patronizing, or pompous, or worse, but I'll say it anyway: I'm proud of you. I hope things work out well.
"I haven't any right to criticise books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticise Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone." - Mark Twain
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Sherry
Rivendell
Feb 23 2007, 3:01pm
Post #5 of 64
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Run away from the hills! If you see hills, run the other way!
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Glad you have managed to work things out for yourself there :) Its the starting point and you can only move forward.
I have a vague idea of what you refer to. You and I have are sporadic in our chatting, but hopefully we can catch up sometime soon. Its nice to have LJ to read to keep up with people. Alas I don't update mine very often.
Anyways, the words you've written, the people who you wish to apologise to, they may well read them here and hopefully a few more bridges can begin to be mended.
''Pooh!'' he whispered.
''Yes, Piglet?''
''Nothing,'' said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. ''I just wanted to be sure of you.''
What I am listening to
New boards = new nick. Registered User formerly known as Arwenelf
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greendragon
Sr. Staff
Feb 23 2007, 4:44pm
Post #6 of 64
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Ah Blackadder, how I do love thee! Nice quotation... /
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'There are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of my fridge...'
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Annael
Elvenhome
Feb 23 2007, 4:59pm
Post #7 of 64
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It takes a big person to 1) be able to look honestly at one's own actions and 2) take responsibility for them. I'm impressed. More than impressed, touched. Good on ya!
I've had a few "dark nights of the soul" where I had to admit to myself that I'd not behaved as the person I'd like to think of myself would. They're painful, but have always led to me changing in a way that makes my life a lot better - usually in a way that makes my relationships stronger.
Whatever was going on back then, when you came back I saw the change and I've really enjoyed your posts.
Cheers!
NARF and member of Deplorable Cultus since 1967
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Eventides
Tol Eressea
Feb 23 2007, 5:03pm
Post #8 of 64
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Wow. I can assure you, Foe, you'll always be welcomed here!
I've said things in the past that I shouldn't have, either, and apologizing is tough sometimes (especially when you don't know if it'll be accepted); and so is changing. But it's worth it.
Accepted here, Foe. :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"I stepped out of my body to let God slide in; although I'm still dressed in flesh that I spiritually died in. Alive in Christ a new creation started breathin', Life exists and through this came completion. ... I'm not that person anymore (more!)! That's what blood was shed for! No longer a failure, livin' life more abundantly, therefore you'll never see me livin' less than victory."
John Reuben.
"Desperation, needing You; every last breath I scream for You. Shatter me into a million pieces, make me new. ... Break me, mold me, make me what You want me to be; I am Yours, for You to use, so take and replace me with You."
Family Force 5.
"Under a light in Bethlehem, I was sifting through the sand; the saline burned my eyes, I was looking for Your hand. I gave up on myself, and left my pride disarmed; I cried out 'I'm alone!' and found myself in Your arms. 'Rest in Me, oh, My love; I have loved you before the world began. Rest in Me, oh, My love; you'll never wander too far to reach My hand.'"
Showbread.
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Patty
Immortal
Feb 23 2007, 5:25pm
Post #9 of 64
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is all the better for having a mature person like you. Welcome home.
Welcome to Rivendell, Patty Baggins
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Magpie
Immortal
Feb 23 2007, 5:32pm
Post #11 of 64
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 because I love AE's reference to Boromir and because I agree with what he said.
Foe, I don't know you. But I am astounded at your ability to make this quite public declaration. I will offer another piece of wisdom passed to me in my times of need along the lines of Aunt Dora's husband's advice. It runs along the lines of 'your mistake - and ultimate forgiveness of yourself for your mistake - just gave other people the permission to 'make mistakes' and find forgiveness.' What this is getting at is we can't get so caught up in shame that we avoid the whole issue... avoid self examination. You have made poor choices... as we all have. Now you're able to act as a role model for one way in dealing with those poor choices. You're better for it and so are we all for the example.
When I did a long journal on my relationship with Tolkien, I ended it with this:
May I find a way to keep Middle Earth as a symbol of centeredness—what my vaules are—
and let that sense of center guide me in the ways of the world.
May I have:
Frodo’s courage
Sam’s faith
Merry and Pippin’s growth
Legolas’ far sight and awareness
Gimli’s willingness to change
Boromir’s willingness for self-examination, self-reflection
Gandalf’s connection and pity to all on earth
Aragorn’s humbleness and acceptance of duty
You've done exactly what Boromir did... some self-examination in a way that allowed you to make a better choice after the poor ones. And you know what Tolkien thought of Boromir, right? To refresh your memory, go reread the first few chapters of TTT. Boromir was highly esteemed by his peers and, I believe, by Tolkien. He was just human... like the rest of us.
no longer just aMagpie... I'm now *the* Magpie
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grammaboodawg
Immortal
Feb 23 2007, 5:52pm
Post #12 of 64
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You've shown your quality, sir
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We've all done things we wish we could undo... and it's so hard and frightening to try to fix things and not have our intentions accepted or understood. You're doing all that you can, and your sincerety and courage inspire me.
I'm so glad you're back, and I hope you stay. One of the most amazing things about TORn is that is houses the most generous souls I've ever met... so trust that your openness is understood and accepted and just post your heart out! :)
{{foe}} very cool, dude!
 
Trust him... The Hobbit is coming!
"Barney Snow was here." ~Hug like a hobbit!~ "In my heaven..."
TORn's Observations Lists
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Timbo_mbadil
Rivendell
Feb 23 2007, 8:26pm
Post #13 of 64
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One of my bestest TOR.nfriends ran off
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five or six years ago, never to come back, because he thought he'd said stuff that hurt people (which he did), and that he wasn't wanted anymore, but I still miss him (because when he wasn't ranting or stepping on people's toes, he was a really funny bloke. And intelligent. And probably good-looking.)
What I'm trying to say is: that's how friendships are. That sometimes you're in your total f*head phase, and friends will bear with you and wait for you to get normal again.
I couldn't imagine TOR.n without Foe
cheers
t
---------------
Otherness represents that which bourgeois ideology cannot recognize or accept but must deal with (…)
Robin Wood 2003, p. 49. "Hollywood from Vietnam to Reagan – and beyond". Columbia University Press, New York, Chichester, West Sussex.
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Annael
Elvenhome
Feb 23 2007, 8:30pm
Post #14 of 64
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are the ones where we've messed things up with each other and been able to work it out and get past it. Being able to trust that we can do that makes the friendship so much stronger.
NARF and member of Deplorable Cultus since 1967
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elvenhobbit
Rohan
Feb 23 2007, 8:41pm
Post #15 of 64
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you are very brave and i admire your courage at posting something like this. Now, I may not know much of what you are talking about but some of it I understand...
and...
you are welcome here (at least in my opinion) and i hope you will post more...
and yes, though you may have made enemies, maybe more friendships can be made, as long as you are true to yourself and loyal and kind (worded, on here at least! ) to them.
now, and always...
forever TORN!
-e_H-
Elven by name, Hobbit by nature
'Road lead ever on and on
down from the door where it began
now far ahead the road has gone
down from where all began' -FOTR-
and through all the world has changed
the ages come and go with time
and yet those remain unchanged
unto they journey westward
over the sea...
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Advising Elf
Rohan
Feb 23 2007, 9:45pm
Post #16 of 64
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Are you talking about Blue Wizard?
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Even if you're not, I was hoping he'd show up here. He flamed me royally when I first posted ("Who originally played Aragorn?"). I thought it was hilarious. But he disappeared no long after that, IIRC. I never got to know him except through stories by others.
The one that comes to mind is that he would post some crazy thing as being news (I think under a sock puppet), then monitor the reaction and delete any posts that siad it wasn't true. I shouldn't admit it, but I have sneaking admiration for that.
"I haven't any right to criticise books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticise Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone." - Mark Twain
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Ciars
Rohan
Feb 23 2007, 9:47pm
Post #17 of 64
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for what its worth, I don't know or rather didn't know about your past errors but from any post I've read of yours that person you describe is well away -we all make mistakes but learning from them is part of the tapestry of life - I'm glad you're in a better place now and it takes a brave and v honest person to not only admit mistakes but to publically atone - I'm stunned at your humility - look forward to seeing many more posts from you!! {{{{{ }}}}
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
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Timbo_mbadil
Rivendell
Feb 23 2007, 9:54pm
Post #18 of 64
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But I remember TBW vaguely. I'm not sure if I should reveal *his* identity (at least before securing the locks and taking cover). And I do admit that his exit was fairly unstylish.
Otherness represents that which bourgeois ideology cannot recognize or accept but must deal with (…)
Robin Wood 2003, p. 49. "Hollywood from Vietnam to Reagan – and beyond". Columbia University Press, New York, Chichester, West Sussex.
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Greenwood Hobbit
Valinor
Feb 23 2007, 10:20pm
Post #19 of 64
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- we're none of us perfect; we're all moving onward, tripping up occasionally, but proceeding nevertheless. A new board is a great place for a new start. I was a member of ASF, and was aware of a certain amount of background snark going on, but for me it was a welcome 'off-topic' place that TORn couldn't (then!) provide, and I enjoyed dabbling in the shallows there.
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Arathorn
Bree
Feb 23 2007, 10:26pm
Post #20 of 64
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Is there something in the water of these new boards, with things looking nicer and friendlier than they've been for maybe years?
Well, don't worry. As for accepting apologies, some may have done it without replying, some may do it now, and, well, it's more important to apologise than to have your apologies accepted, I think.
"Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time may start to think."
- Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
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Magpie
Immortal
Feb 23 2007, 10:46pm
Post #21 of 64
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It sometimes takes awhile, but I'm always ready to give things another go.
When my sons were younger, I found it very easy to talk to the oldest. I thought we were so much alike. The younger one was completely different and all we did was fight... about everything and nothing. We both worked very hard for many years to find a way to talk to one another without fighting and today, we have a wonderful relationship I think mainly because we did have to work so hard. We had to *do* what was hard for us. My other son and I don't talk as much now... I'm not so sure why, but perhaps it's as hard to be alike as it is to be different from one another.
Working through differences does go a long way in building trust.
no longer just aMagpie... I'm now *the* Magpie
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deej
Tol Eressea
Feb 23 2007, 11:39pm
Post #22 of 64
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You should think of this board as a fresh start.
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Better to leave the past in the past, and look forward!
Sincerely, deej - The Artist Formerly Known as djdeathskiss
Atlanta Woot! Moot 2007 - Join us Labor Day weekend; go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/atlanta_woot_moot/
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Tintallë
Gondor
Feb 23 2007, 11:59pm
Post #23 of 64
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You never hurt me, I like your posts, I always have, and I'm glad you've come back.
As for ASF, well I didn't hang around long there, and apparently you now understand why.
What you've written is amazingly insightful and quite lovely in its sentiment.
Welcome home.
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WhiteLadyEowyn
Rivendell
Feb 24 2007, 2:37am
Post #24 of 64
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I have nothing to add of any substance, I am afraid..
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except for this... :: hugs ::
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Ugly Troll
Rivendell
Feb 24 2007, 2:54am
Post #25 of 64
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Now go and sin no more.
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