**The unofficial Bored of the Rings discussion** Ch. IV, pt. 7. “…should I say 'until we meet again'? No, I think goodbye sums it up quite nicely.”

[squire]

"But fear not, dear boggie," continued Orlon, "you shall not go alone."
"Good old Gimlet will go with you," said Legolam.
"And fearless Legolam," said Gimlet.
"And noble King Arrowroot," said Bromosel.
"And faithful Bromosel," said Arrowroot.
"And Moxie, Pepsi, and Spam," said Dildo.
"And Goodgulf Grayteeth," added Orlon.
"Indeed," said Goodgulf, glaring at Orlon, and if looks could maim, the old elf would have left in a basket.


"So be it. You shall leave when the omens are right," said Orlon, consulting a pocket horoscope, "and unless I'm very much mistaken, they will be unmatched in half an hour."
Frito groaned. "I wish I had never been born," he said.
"Do not say that, dear Frito," cried Orlon. "It was a happy minute for us all when you were born."​

Questions


A. Oh my god, here’s the same joke (“you do it” “no, you do it”) again, a third time! Is this too much, or is the Council of Elrond so famously sententious that it needs a triple drubbing of parodic selfishness to finally lie down and be still?


B. “if looks could maim, the old elf would have left in a basket” – a classic line I use any time I can. How about you? What are some of your favorite one-liners from BotR?


C. Without belaboring the point, Orlon wants them out, obviously. On the other hand, has anyone ever satisfactorily explained why the company stayed in Rivendell from October to December in Fellowship of the Ring? Was Elrond’s “pocket horoscope” involved?


D. How does “I wish it had not come to me” compare to “I wish I had never been born”?

"Well, I guess it's goodbye," said Dildo, taking Frito aside as they left the caucus room. "Or should I say 'until we meet again'? No, I think goodbye sums it up quite nicely."
"Goodbye, Dildo," Frito said, stuffing a sob. "I wish you were coming with us."
"Ah, yes. But I'm too old for that sort of thing now," said the old boggie, feigning a state of total paraplegia. "Anyway, I have a few small gifts for you," and he produced a lumpy parcel, which Frito opened somewhat unenthusiastically in view of Dildo's previous going-away present. But the package contained only a short, Revereware sword, a bulletproof vest full of moth holes, and several well-thumbed novellas with titles like Elf Lust and Goblin Girl.


"Farewell, Frito," said Dildo, managing a very convincing epileptic fit. "It's in your hands now, gasp, rattle, o lie me under the greenwood tree, ooooo. Ooog."
"Farewell, Dildo," said Frito, and with a last wave went out to join the company. As soon as he had disappeared, Dildo sprang lightly to his feet, and skipped into the hall humming a little song:

"I sit on the floor and pick my nose
and think of dirty things
Of deviant dwarfs who suck their toes
and elves who drub their dings.

I sit on the floor and pick my nose
and dream exotic dreams
Of dragons who dress in rubber clothes
and trolls who do it in teams.

I sit on the floor and pick my nose
and wish for a thrill or two
For a goblin who goes in for a few no-nos
Or an orc with a thing about glue.

And all of the while I sit and pick
I think of such jolly things
Of whips and screws and leather slacks
Of frottages and stings."​

Questions


E. Ah, the contrast with little old Bilbo nobly volunteering for the Mordor mission! Again, Dildo takes the cake for characterization, I think. Or not? Do you prefer Frito, Goodgulf, or Stomper? Spam? Or one of the characters we haven’t met yet?


F. “o lie me under the greenwood tree” I don’t get the reference off hand. Do you?


G. “Ooog” is Dildo’s final contribution to his fake fit. Orlon also says “Oog”, conveying perhaps nausea at seeing the magic of the Ring at work. I use “Oog” to convey unease, especially on TORn, where I know many will get the BotR reference. Why do you use “Oog”?

H. “I sit on the floor and pick my nose” is, of course, a parody of “I sit by the fire”, one of the canonical poems that Tolkien wrote to convey the experience of an aging adventurer whose time is past. It is, also, by far the most vulgar and tasteless of all the mock-Tolkien poems in Bored of the Rings. I don’t even like to read it. Did they go too far here? Or am I unnecessarily sensitive, having cheerfully put up with names like Dildo, and Spam’s dreams of reptilian pleasures when being raped by the “Willow” tree?

 

[sador]

Was he also a member of the Lampoon?

A. Oh my god, here’s the same joke (“you do it” “no, you do it”) again, a third time! Is this too much, or is the Council of Elrond so famously sententious that it needs a triple drubbing of parodic selfishness to finally lie down and be still?
Well, four is a bore - but three is still company!

B. “if looks could maim, the old elf would have left in a basket” – a classic line I use any time I can. How about you? What are some of your favorite one-liners from BotR?

This book is predominantly concerned with making money, and from its pages a reader may learn much about the character and literary integrity of the authors.

C. Without belaboring the point, Orlon wants them out, obviously. On the other hand, has anyone ever satisfactorily explained why the company stayed in Rivendell from October to December in Fellowship of the Ring?
It took the scouts a lot of time to return.
Perhaps they were too stoned to remember the way back, and once they got around to the neighbouhood - they forgot all that they found, and spent some time faking a report.

Was Elrond’s “pocket horoscope” involved?
Actually, I thought that was refering to his magic reading of the Moon Letters in A Short Rest.

D. How does “I wish it had not come to me” compare to “I wish I had never been born”?
Favourably.
But it doesn't really allow for Orlon's brilliant ripsote!

E. Ah, the contrast with little old Bilbo nobly volunteering for the Mordor mission! Again, Dildo takes the cake for characterization, I think. Or not? Do you prefer Frito, Goodgulf, or Stomper? Spam? Or one of the characters we haven’t met yet?
Stomper comes close, and Goodgulf and Eorache as well. But Dildo is my favourite, too.
Just like his parallel in Jackson's films.

F. “o lie me under the greenwood tree” I don’t get the reference off hand. Do you?
Thomas Hardy? But I don't see quite how this is relevant.

G. “Ooog” is Dildo’s final contribution to his fake fit. Orlon also says “Oog”, conveying perhaps nausea at seeing the magic of the Ring at work. I use “Oog” to convey unease, especially on TORn, where I know many will get the BotR reference. Why do you use “Oog”?
I don't.

H. “I sit on the floor and pick my nose” is, of course, a parody of “I sit by the fire”, one of the canonical poems that Tolkien wrote to convey the experience of an aging adventurer whose time is past. It is, also, by far the most vulgar and tasteless of all the mock-Tolkien poems in Bored of the Rings. I don’t even like to read it.
I'm rather surprised at you. I am supposed to be the prude around here.

Did they go too far here?
Perhaps. But I haven't read Goblin Girl and Elf Lust yet.

And by the way - if after thumbing these volumes Dildo picks his nose - isn't he running the risk of lead poisoning?

Or am I unnecessarily sensitive, having cheerfully put up with names like Dildo, and Spam’s dreams of reptilian pleasures when being raped by the “Willow” tree?
Well, I wonder why is this poem worse. I'm still wondering whether to Google the references - perhaps I'm not with you, simply because I haven't yet realized how gross this really is!

 

[Darkstone]

Questions

A. Oh my god, here’s the same joke (“you do it” “no, you do it”) again, a third time! Is this too much, or is the Council of Elrond so famously sententious that it needs a triple drubbing of parodic selfishness to finally lie down and be still?

Again, this is so like bickering kids (and bickering parents) on the annual “quest” vacation thing that every typical family did in the 1950s and 1960s.


B. “if looks could maim, the old elf would have left in a basket” – a classic line I use any time I can. How about you?

"This better be food, 'cause I'm gonna eat it"

Since I'm usually seated at the kids' table at family gatherings this invokes quite a bit of hilarity. Plus, unlike adults, they never seem to remember it the next holiday.


What are some of your favorite one-liners from BotR?

It was going to be a long epic.

She had magnificent chestnut hair, and when she shook her head, handfuls of magnificent chestnuts dropped to the floor like rain.

"This is indeed a queer river," said Bromosel, as the water lapped at his thighs.

In his hand he carried an ancient and trusty weapon, called by the elves a Browning semi-automatic.


C. Without belaboring the point, Orlon wants them out, obviously. On the other hand, has anyone ever satisfactorily explained why the company stayed in Rivendell from October to December in Fellowship of the Ring? Was Elrond’s “pocket horoscope” involved?

Apparently, like the Nazgul, Elf Lords tend to wander when out and about.


D. How does “I wish it had not come to me” compare to “I wish I had never been born”?

A lot less suicidal.


Questions

E. Ah, the contrast with little old Bilbo nobly volunteering for the Mordor mission! Again, Dildo takes the cake for characterization, I think. Or not? Do you prefer Frito, Goodgulf, or Stomper? Spam? Or one of the characters we haven’t met yet?

Goodgulf.


F. “o lie me under the greenwood tree” I don’t get the reference off hand. Do you?

It’s from one of Shakespeare’s poems, but I think the applicability comes from it being the first novel of Thomas Hardy’s series about the mythical English county (shire?) of Wessex. Under the Greenwood Tree reveals a light and happy Wessex, whereas in his later novels it expands in scope and becomes dark and tragic. It’s much like Tolkien’s novels, where the later LOTR is darker and more tragic than the earlier The Hobbit. (And The New Shadow seemed like it would be darker still.) I take it that Dildo would rather go back to the lighter and happier days of the prequel.


G. “Ooog” is Dildo’s final contribution to his fake fit. Orlon also says “Oog”, conveying perhaps nausea at seeing the magic of the Ring at work. I use “Oog” to convey unease, especially on TORn, where I know many will get the BotR reference. Why do you use “Oog”?

I use “Urk!” and other sound effects from cartoonist Don Martin.


H. “I sit on the floor and pick my nose” is, of course, a parody of “I sit by the fire”, one of the canonical poems that Tolkien wrote to convey the experience of an aging adventurer whose time is past. It is, also, by far the most vulgar and tasteless of all the mock-Tolkien poems in Bored of the Rings. I don’t even like to read it. Did they go too far here? Or am I unnecessarily sensitive, having cheerfully put up with names like Dildo, and Spam’s dreams of reptilian pleasures when being raped by the “Willow” tree?

I was more uncomfortable with the seven cows going up a red tower and throwing up three times.

 

[dernwyn]

A. Oh my god, here’s the same joke (“you do it” “no, you do it”) again, a third time! Is this too much, or is the Council of Elrond so famously sententious that it needs a triple drubbing of parodic selfishness to finally lie down and be still?
Third time pays for all! Wouldn't you love to see the Marx Brothers do a routine of this?

B. “if looks could maim, the old elf would have left in a basket” – a classic line I use any time I can. How about you? What are some of your favorite one-liners from BotR?
"You've just won the booby prize."
"Most queer and disturbin'!"
"...an' if y'all want anything, just ring!"
You will soon meet a tall, dark Ranger.
The creature was about fifty feet tall, with wide lapels, long dangling participles, and a pronounced gazetteer.
"Do not fear," she said, solemnly tweaking his nose.
"Out of the bedpan, as the old Fatlip would say," said Spam, and fishing their overnight bags out of the craft, set out with Frito along the rising gorge that led to the next chapter.
There were few things on which they both agreed, but Stomper was definitely one of them.
"Vere ist you going and vat are you doing here when you are not to being here in der first place vhere you ist?"
...the dragon was cornered by the Cub Scout and peppered with rubbertipped arrows until it suffered a complete nervous breakdown and collapsed with a heavy thud.
It is said that the dustcloud did not settle for many days after.
On its side were the words DEUS EX MACHINA AIRLINES in metallic gold.
And my favorite: "If he says ['lo'] once more," said Gimlet, "I'll croak him myself."

C. Without belaboring the point, Orlon wants them out, obviously. On the other hand, has anyone ever satisfactorily explained why the company stayed in Rivendell from October to December in Fellowship of the Ring? Was Elrond’s “pocket horoscope” involved?
As I understand it, the real stragglers were Elladan and Elrohir. No one would say where they had gone - suspicious, eh? And speaking of horoscopes, there was that enigmatic "red star" low in the South: now where did that fit in!

D. How does “I wish it had not come to me” compare to “I wish I had never been born”?
The latter is probably a bit more realistic, considering the situation!

E. Ah, the contrast with little old Bilbo nobly volunteering for the Mordor mission! Again, Dildo takes the cake for characterization, I think. Or not? Do you prefer Frito, Goodgulf, or Stomper? Spam? Or one of the characters we haven’t met yet?
Dildo is the perfect antithesis of Bilbo! And so wonderfully characterized, that we all feel like we know him - or know someone like him.

F. “o lie me under the greenwood tree” I don’t get the reference off hand. Do you?
The song "Green Green Grass of Home" has always come to mind with this line, although the actual line in that song refers to an "old oak tree". "Lie", here, means "bury", as Dildo fakes a fatal attack.

G. “Ooog” is Dildo’s final contribution to his fake fit. Orlon also says “Oog”, conveying perhaps nausea at seeing the magic of the Ring at work. I use “Oog” to convey unease, especially on TORn, where I know many will get the BotR reference. Why do you use “Oog”?
I usually use "Urk", but "Oog" makes a nice change, on occasion.

H. “I sit on the floor and pick my nose” is, of course, a parody of “I sit by the fire”, one of the canonical poems that Tolkien wrote to convey the experience of an aging adventurer whose time is past. It is, also, by far the most vulgar and tasteless of all the mock-Tolkien poems in Bored of the Rings. I don’t even like to read it. Did they go too far here? Or am I unnecessarily sensitive, having cheerfully put up with names like Dildo, and Spam’s dreams of reptilian pleasures when being raped by the “Willow” tree?
Well, it is "crude, rude, and socially unacceptable", as an old college chum of mine would put it. Which makes it, again, the perfect opposite of Bilbo's "I sit beside the fire and think" poem! And no, sador, do not look up the unfamiliar terms in it! They could cause one to mimic those cows in the prophecy...

 

[sador]