guitarzankansasfan
Lorien
Hi folks--
I've been thinking about how so many epic fantasy stories follow the pattern found in LOTR. It seems every single one of them is about a young hero, living a simple life in a quiet rural setting who is approached by an old, wise sage who sends him on an unexpected quest to recover a magical talisman (a sword, seer's stone, etc) or perhaps destroy something (the Death Star, etc) to defeat the evil powers and save the world, journeying with his trusty, diverse bunch of companions through mortal danger to the exciting climactic finish.
Well, if Lucas, Brooks, Paolini, Rowling, and all the others are writing the conventional fantasy stories, why don't I come up with a totally unconventional fantasy epic that breaks all the rules and isn't what you'd expect?
Let's start with the hero: Instead of being young, naive, humble and simple, I'll make him rich, powerful, and influential. And instead of a rural setting, he'll dwell on the top floor of a skyscraper or tower, kind of like Howard Hughes-- a more complicated sort of character. And instead of being sent on a quest, he never leaves home.
In fact, he just hires someone else to go on the quest for him. So instead of the old sage coming to him, he gets an old geezer of his own-- and that old guy won't be a tall, bearded Obi-Wan/Dumbledore in flowing robes. Instead I'll make him short, scrawny, with practically no facial hair, and dress him like a skinny sumo wrestler. He'll still be old, but not particularly bright. After all, if he were wise he'd get the quest done too quickly and it wouldn't be an epic. And there still has to be a magical talisman, otherwise it would be sci-fi and not fantasy. So of course it's all based in magic somehow.
The hero of course still needs his other companions, but I'll dispense with the rangers, dwarves, droids, smugglers, and misfit wizard kids. Instead, I'll make the hero's companions all exactly alike, with the same dull personality and completely uninteresting. Taking a page from the Matrix, I'll dress them all in black, since it's all the rage in style. That way we can still focus on the hero, which is important, seeing that all he does is stay home.
Since the hero is stuck up there, gazing out the window of the 42nd floor, I need to give him some kind of superpower to make him more useful. So I'll give him the ability to see things far away. Also, he'll be a philanthropist-- he loves giving gifts. After all, he's got all this money, why not give people stuff? Now before you start saying "That reminds me of Santa Claus" I wanted to point out that, unlike Santa, Mr. "Gift Giver" here, as his friends call him, won't surround himself with happy little elves. In fact, if there's any elves in this story they'll be villains-- whoever thought of elves as the bad guys? Plus, instead of the North Pole he'll live in a warm, dry climate- like Las Vegas except warmer. So he's got this quest to give people stuff, and restore order to the universe. And nothing's more orderly than a nice even stack of Xmas presents around a tree. But of course he needs the quest for the magical talisman completed by the geezer he hired and his other black-clad ultracool pals before he can do it.
But of course this is an adventure story fraught with peril. So how does our hero deal with mortal danger? Here's a twist: I'll pull an M. Night Shyamalan and make the hero ALREADY DEAD! That's right, he'll be a supernatural being! He perished a long time ago, from something really stupid, like a cut on his finger. But he'll be a friendly ghost of course, just like Casper- the archetype of the unconventional ghost. Bet you couldn't see that one coming even with your sixth sense, eh?
And since he's a ghost, he can also LOOK unconventional. Why does the hero always have to look pretty? I'm thinking a look kind of like that Mike character from Monsters Inc. And just to round things out I'll give him one more superhero power. To make it quick I'll just borrow one from some random comic book character-- say, the Human Torch from Fantastic 4, or maybe Hellboy's girlfriend. So yeah, he'll be able to create flames all around himself. Now wait a second! I know what you're going to say. What's unconventional about a "Flaming What-you-may-call-it" when those characters have done it already?. But I'd like to think of it as a homage to the Flaming Lips-- the world's most original, unpredictable rock band. So it really is a subtle tribute to originality here, even with a borrowed superpower.
Now it comes to languages and place names. While Tolkien was inspired by beautiful, ancient languages such as Welsh and Anglo-Saxon, I'll instead take my inspiration from the unexpected and make the language totally alien and foreign to human ears. In fact, the hero's language will sound pretty rough, kind of like Klingon, only more so. And his hometown won't have some cute rural sounding name like "Tatooine", "Shady Vale" or "Smallville". In a totally unexpected way, I'll make it sound like or rhyme with something really bad in English-- no, not a 4-letter word! Not that bad! I'm planning for a possible TV adaptation here. Something else bad, like "Doll Gutter" or "Murder". Yeah, that's it. What could sound worse than "Murder"? So he lives in a place called Mirdur or something like that. But in his language it actually means something like "Tropical Resort". Yeah, I know this really pushes the suspension of disbelief. But others before me have nuked the fridge. Again, I'm going for the unexpected at any cost.
Now here's the biggest plot twist of all: In the end the hero LOSES! That's right-- he loses! big time! Remember, Howard Hughes was a tragic hero-- well, so is this guy!
It turns out that a couple of small, meddling juvenile types-- I'm thinking of drawing on Huckleberry Finn or maybe one of the Goonies for inspiration, or maybe both-- they get ahold of the oh-so important magical item and just wreck it, as meddling kids will do. You know what happens when kids get ahold of your stuff. Maybe in the big screen version they'd be played by former child actors, to underscore that fact.
So there it is, folks, the most unconventional, unpredictable fantasy epic that could ever be dreamed up. And it's like nothing we've ever seen before. [
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I've been thinking about how so many epic fantasy stories follow the pattern found in LOTR. It seems every single one of them is about a young hero, living a simple life in a quiet rural setting who is approached by an old, wise sage who sends him on an unexpected quest to recover a magical talisman (a sword, seer's stone, etc) or perhaps destroy something (the Death Star, etc) to defeat the evil powers and save the world, journeying with his trusty, diverse bunch of companions through mortal danger to the exciting climactic finish.
Well, if Lucas, Brooks, Paolini, Rowling, and all the others are writing the conventional fantasy stories, why don't I come up with a totally unconventional fantasy epic that breaks all the rules and isn't what you'd expect?
Let's start with the hero: Instead of being young, naive, humble and simple, I'll make him rich, powerful, and influential. And instead of a rural setting, he'll dwell on the top floor of a skyscraper or tower, kind of like Howard Hughes-- a more complicated sort of character. And instead of being sent on a quest, he never leaves home.
In fact, he just hires someone else to go on the quest for him. So instead of the old sage coming to him, he gets an old geezer of his own-- and that old guy won't be a tall, bearded Obi-Wan/Dumbledore in flowing robes. Instead I'll make him short, scrawny, with practically no facial hair, and dress him like a skinny sumo wrestler. He'll still be old, but not particularly bright. After all, if he were wise he'd get the quest done too quickly and it wouldn't be an epic. And there still has to be a magical talisman, otherwise it would be sci-fi and not fantasy. So of course it's all based in magic somehow.
The hero of course still needs his other companions, but I'll dispense with the rangers, dwarves, droids, smugglers, and misfit wizard kids. Instead, I'll make the hero's companions all exactly alike, with the same dull personality and completely uninteresting. Taking a page from the Matrix, I'll dress them all in black, since it's all the rage in style. That way we can still focus on the hero, which is important, seeing that all he does is stay home.
Since the hero is stuck up there, gazing out the window of the 42nd floor, I need to give him some kind of superpower to make him more useful. So I'll give him the ability to see things far away. Also, he'll be a philanthropist-- he loves giving gifts. After all, he's got all this money, why not give people stuff? Now before you start saying "That reminds me of Santa Claus" I wanted to point out that, unlike Santa, Mr. "Gift Giver" here, as his friends call him, won't surround himself with happy little elves. In fact, if there's any elves in this story they'll be villains-- whoever thought of elves as the bad guys? Plus, instead of the North Pole he'll live in a warm, dry climate- like Las Vegas except warmer. So he's got this quest to give people stuff, and restore order to the universe. And nothing's more orderly than a nice even stack of Xmas presents around a tree. But of course he needs the quest for the magical talisman completed by the geezer he hired and his other black-clad ultracool pals before he can do it.
But of course this is an adventure story fraught with peril. So how does our hero deal with mortal danger? Here's a twist: I'll pull an M. Night Shyamalan and make the hero ALREADY DEAD! That's right, he'll be a supernatural being! He perished a long time ago, from something really stupid, like a cut on his finger. But he'll be a friendly ghost of course, just like Casper- the archetype of the unconventional ghost. Bet you couldn't see that one coming even with your sixth sense, eh?
And since he's a ghost, he can also LOOK unconventional. Why does the hero always have to look pretty? I'm thinking a look kind of like that Mike character from Monsters Inc. And just to round things out I'll give him one more superhero power. To make it quick I'll just borrow one from some random comic book character-- say, the Human Torch from Fantastic 4, or maybe Hellboy's girlfriend. So yeah, he'll be able to create flames all around himself. Now wait a second! I know what you're going to say. What's unconventional about a "Flaming What-you-may-call-it" when those characters have done it already?. But I'd like to think of it as a homage to the Flaming Lips-- the world's most original, unpredictable rock band. So it really is a subtle tribute to originality here, even with a borrowed superpower.
Now it comes to languages and place names. While Tolkien was inspired by beautiful, ancient languages such as Welsh and Anglo-Saxon, I'll instead take my inspiration from the unexpected and make the language totally alien and foreign to human ears. In fact, the hero's language will sound pretty rough, kind of like Klingon, only more so. And his hometown won't have some cute rural sounding name like "Tatooine", "Shady Vale" or "Smallville". In a totally unexpected way, I'll make it sound like or rhyme with something really bad in English-- no, not a 4-letter word! Not that bad! I'm planning for a possible TV adaptation here. Something else bad, like "Doll Gutter" or "Murder". Yeah, that's it. What could sound worse than "Murder"? So he lives in a place called Mirdur or something like that. But in his language it actually means something like "Tropical Resort". Yeah, I know this really pushes the suspension of disbelief. But others before me have nuked the fridge. Again, I'm going for the unexpected at any cost.
Now here's the biggest plot twist of all: In the end the hero LOSES! That's right-- he loses! big time! Remember, Howard Hughes was a tragic hero-- well, so is this guy!
It turns out that a couple of small, meddling juvenile types-- I'm thinking of drawing on Huckleberry Finn or maybe one of the Goonies for inspiration, or maybe both-- they get ahold of the oh-so important magical item and just wreck it, as meddling kids will do. You know what happens when kids get ahold of your stuff. Maybe in the big screen version they'd be played by former child actors, to underscore that fact.
So there it is, folks, the most unconventional, unpredictable fantasy epic that could ever be dreamed up. And it's like nothing we've ever seen before. [
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