Dear Auntie Arwen (the Middle-earth Agony Aunt answers your questions)

noWizardme

noWizardme

Half-elven
Anxious of Arnor writes:
Dear Auntie Arwen,
My boyfriend is fed up with me admiring Thorin Oakenshield. he wants to know what Thorin has got that he hasn't. What should I do?

Auntie Arwen Advises:
Dear Anxious_of Arnor,
I would give him a couple of examples from fairly low down on your list. Probably anything from page 3 onwards is safe; things higher than that might be a bit threatening. Do bear in mind the opportunities this discussion might give you- for example "Thorin always clears up after dinner" or "Thorin doesn't mind admitting he's wrong" might be worth a try.
[heart]

Next time:
Flame_of_Udun writes:

Dear Auntie Arwen,
My job in the mines means I work a lot of hours and it is very difficult to get out and meet other balrogs. I've been thinking about online dating sites, but everyone seems to be obsessed by the number of wings they have. I just don't feel that's the most important thing about a balrog - I mean, who cares how many wings and how big, as long as you're truly evil? How do you suggest I meet someone who will be interested in me just as the demon I am?


 
Here’s my try:

Auntie Arwen Advises:

Dear Flame,
Perhaps your concern with your fellow balrogs’ obsession with wings (or lack of them) is an indication that you should move on and expand your horizons. You might consider boldly looking outside your own enclave of evil to your equivalent on the Other Side. How about a nice Istar, for example? Do not be put off by such little things as his apparent distaste for your fire and slime, and his fear of going far under the living earth beyond light and knowledge where nameless things gnaw. And don’t be surprised if suddenly he turns and pursues you, clutching at your heels!

You will probably find such a relationship to be fiery and even short-lived, but no doubt is better to have striven and lost than never to have striven at all.



Next Time:
Entwife of the Old Forest writes:

Dear Auntie Arwen,
I live among a small community of other very lonely females who are all looking for mates. A Certain Wizard tells me that he knows of a similar community of males across Middle Earth which we had all believed to be lost forever. But I am afraid that if I tell the other Entwives, there will be too much competition and I will never get my own Ent. What should I do?
 
Why did PJ leave Bomby and Goldie out of his Movies?
Goldie would have added "Sum Real Girl Power!"

What? does Bomby have B.O.?
 
Vexed of Valinor writes:
Dear Auntie Arwen, I don't know what to do, but I am having forbidden thoughts about a married woman. She and her husband have been together for, like, millenia and I still don't see what she sees in him. They have a bit of an alternative lifestyle- they live in a treehouse for Eru's sake! I could give her so much more.... well, maybe not since I live under a bush mostly, but anyway... What can I do to make her look past the pointy hat and beard to see the real me?

Hurt of Hobbiton writes:
Dear Auntie Arwen, I am upset and hurt.... one of my good friends has cast aspersions on my manhood and courage by comparing my sword to a letter opener! OK, he's a dwarf, so I don't expect sensitivity, but surely he can see how embarrassing and hurtful this is. Especially when he said it in Rivendell, just as I fancied my chances with one of those rather nice elven musicians! What should I do to make him see that this isn't the act of a friend? Should I just punch his lights out? (he does have a rather scary brother)

And there are more where these came from![;)]
 
Entwife of the Old Forest writes:

Dear Auntie Arwen,
I live among a small community of other very lonely females who are all looking for mates. A Certain Wizard tells me that he knows of a similar community of males across Middle Earth which we had all believed to be lost forever. But I am afraid that if I tell the other Entwives, there will be too much competition and I will never get my own Ent. What should I do?
Click to expand...
Auntie Arwen advises:
Dear Entwife,
It's common for people who live in small, isolated communities to be less informed about the perils of the world. Certain Wizards can be frauds; we have reports that one was exposed recently in a land called Oz and only managed to escape by balloon. And he abducted a young girl, which brings me to my point: you are putting yourself at risk of becoming a mail-order bride for this "Wizard" and being sent off to a musty old forest to be a drudge to a grumpy old tree who may or may not even be an Ent.

I suggest that you look closer to home, and forgo your longing for Ents. Dating within your race went out in the First Age, and you need to keep up. Are there Dwarves nearby? They're hard workers, many are very rich, and they often leave you alone at home (thank goodness!) by going off on adventures. Or have you tried any nearby Elves? They're always handsome and live forever, so you don't have to worry about caring for them in their old age.


Next time:
Baffled from Bag End writes:
Dear Auntie Arwen,
I'm a shy shut-in leading a dull life, and recently a close friend of mine introduced me to 13 of his friends, and he invited them over to a party that nearly tore my house apart. I wanted to stand up to them and make them leave, but I couldn't find the courage. It doesn't matter that they washed a few dishes, they took advantage of me. I have a history of giving in to peer pressure, and they're talking about stealing stuff next. I know stealing is wrong, but is it wrong when there's LOTS of money involved? Are these my true friends, or are they just going to take advantage of me again and leave me behind in a goblin mine when it suits them? Their rosy predictions about our adventure don't really have a ring of truth to them.

[What a fantastic idea for a game, Wiz!]
 
"Grumpy from Goblintown" HERE!

Me wants to see the Light of Daylight!
Our King keeps using me a.. a FootStool?
Whenever we gets some meats in a Feast
all the tasty "flotsom & Jetsum" are already taken.
I've Never liked liver?
I'd even settle for an eyeball once in awhile.
None of my neighbors even shower,
let along wash their hands.

Rumor has it, I'd FRY.... if I ever left?
Yesterday many had my closest cousin for LUNCH?
I'm worried I'm NEXT!
 
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dear baffled,

peer pressure is tough, especially if the crowd is older. how can they be your true friends, if you haven't known them that long? also, i'd question your relationship with the original "friend" who introduced you to this dubious group. and he invited them to your house without your knowledge? your "friend" sounds like a freeloading ferris beuller-type... always pulling strings to manipulate situations for his own amusements, while other people have to dance to his puppet strings.

since you're the stay-at-hole type, why don't you explore new relationships online? perhaps a meetup group for silver or pottery afficionados, or foodies.



cheers --

.
 
Dear Auntie Arwen,
Am I going mad? I'm just your average devastatingly handsome dispossessed dwarf king looking to regain what's his. But.... everywhere I go, I hear voices, like chattering birds. The only words I can pick out are "OMG" "LOL" and comments on my hair. When I turn to look where these voices come from, all goes silent. Am I paranoid? Am I delusional? My friends tell me that it's just the dragon-sickness talking, but I'm afraid it might be some devilry of the Necromancer. What do you think? What should I do?
 
By strange co- incidence I had a very similar letter from a young Dwarf. Maybe I should put the two of you in contact to form a support group?
 
Beren Erchamion writes:
Dear Auntie Arwen
It's 'that time of the century' for Lúthien again and she's kicked me out of Ossiriand. I went to an inn and met up with some of the guys - Maedhros, Frodo, Labadal and some others. We've just been wondering - what's with the appendages? I mean, is some omnipotent creator lopping off our hands and disfiguring us for his own entertainment? Are we just parts of some wider mythology? Please help. Mortal man going through existentialist crisis here.
Oh, and there's this huge dog that won't stop drooling on me, but Lúthien just won't let me get rid of him.

(Okay, really historically inaccurate, but it's the best I could do)
 
Disgruntled anonymous author writes:
Dear Auntie Arwen,
Here I was, calmly lying down in my grave - doing what people six feet under do best. Recently I have heard of adaptations of my works - films, in particular. It has come to my attention that Tom Bombadil and Glorfindel have been omitted, there are elves at the battle of Helm's Deep, there is a female character in "The Hobbit" and that something called "slash fanfiction" has rendered my characters - Bilbo and Thorin Oakenshield in particular - madly in love with each other after some miraculous eucatastrophe just before the Battle of the Five Armies. How do I cope with this dilemma? I'm too dead to kill myself.


 
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i am from a large family (six brothers). hot-tempered family, and we swear a lot.

recently, a few hundred years ago, our house was burglarized, and some very precious family heirlooms were stolen. we knew who took them, but we really didn't have much hope in getting them back (and they weren't insured). the authorities seemed to turn a blind eye, for some reason.

well, fast forward to today, and all of a sudden the authorities decided to get off their butts and get involved. our stuff was recovered, but -- get this -- even though everyone knows our heirlooms belong to us, the authorities +are keeping them themselves+. (and they have quite a lot of sentimental value to us.)

what should we do? i feel we're within our rights to just take them from the authorities. i'm leaning in that direction.


sincerely --

narion.


.
 
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