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Tolkienia Times Party Edition: Parody by Ruxendil! Local Party News--and more!

Ethel Duath
Half-elven


Sep 21 2014, 10:56pm

Post #1 of 11 (1128 views)
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Tolkienia Times Party Edition: Parody by Ruxendil! Local Party News--and more! Can't Post




The official report on the local Tolkienian Hobbity Birthday Party,
also celebrated over a two day period beginning Sunday on TheOneRing.net

*The Tolkienia Underground will provide free transportation between the Boards and Tolkienia, beginning Sunday at 6:00 A. M. through 10:00 P.M. Monday.







Party Parody Poetry A new parody by our own Ruxendil_Thoorg (See page 2a)


Celebratory Weather Report Don't miss the description of a unique weather event . . . (See page 2a)


Tolkienia's Own National Celebration Tolkienia's own international celebration was held earlier today. Read details on the controversies leading up to the festivities, an eyewitness report on the actual celebration by our Wandering-but-not-lost reporter, Rembrethil. (See story page 2b)


See Fractured Shakespeare The featured Party Speech honoring Bilbo by Mayor Ethel. (See page 2b)












TTimes Page 2A



Salve! Here is a new parody I wrote on September 17, 2014 for TORn’s Hobbit Day 2014.

Ever see a Middle-earth / Tolkien related parody of an opera aria? If not, you will after reading below. Please do click on the song link below and listen while reading. If you choose to try singing along, I recommend warm ups.

Birthday Party Day, parody of La donna è mobile from Verdi's Rigoletto,

1.
Now Birthday Party Day
Here at Bag End-o!
Beers, breads and bentos,
Mince pies and mentos(TM).

Lobelia’s eedy-gray,
Hopes I’ll devis-o,
In toto, she sees-o
Mucho dinero.

[Refrain:]
Now Birthday Party Day
Here at Bag End-o!
You have my we-e-e-e-e-e-e-el-l-l-lco-o-o-o-me,
Party right here!

Party right here!

Pa-a-a-a-a-a-rty right he-e-e-e-ere!

2.
Excellent wizard-o,
Children, they cheer ya,
Cheer when they see ya
Making fires soar-ë.

For my young protégée,
Frodo, I’ve left a note,
Keep it quite safe-o,
no lips may loosen, eh?

[Refrain:]
Now Birthday Party Day
Here at Bag End-o!
You have my we-e-e-e-e-e-e-el-l-l-lco-o-o-o-ome,
Party right here!

Party right here!

Pa-a-a-a-a-a-rty ri-i-i-i-ight HE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-R-E!!!!!


* * *

***Buon compleanno Bilbo and Frodo!!!***
Grazie a tutti!

—RT


Tolkienia National Weather Service Report

The National Weather Report was unable to be filed in time for this edition of the Tolkienia Times owing to unusual weather conditions at the home of our Lead Meteorologist. Due to this unprecedented climatic event, he has been unable to reach the weather station to complete his report. He was able to dispatch the following brief statement by bicycle messenger, who was able to take this photograph of these very unusual local conditions:






Brief Report:

"Cloudy with a chance of diapers tonight, followed by sunshine for much of the day tomorrow, with light breezes and sudden gurgles.

Accurate formulae recipes for atmospheric pressure variation tend to be problematic, but they seem to work well for small bottles placed in warm water."


Forecasts for the coming week will be reported by the Assistant Weather Reporter, Fargo Nimbus, formerly of the northern plains, U.S.

We at the Times congratulate the DanielLB family, and wish them smooth sailing and fair weather. Ethel D., for DanielLB Lead Meteorologist, Tolkienia.






TTimes Page 2B


The Diamond Anniversary


Spirits ran high in Tolkienia as news of a special party to commemorate the 60th anniversary of the famous Long-Expected Party leaked out, setting a buzz of excitement in the air. It was that very special event that marked the beginning of a brave new chapter in the annals of Hobbit-kind, as indeed the histories of all the peoples of Middle-Earth bear witness. For this occasion of very splendid magnificence, preparations on a scale not too far removed from the historically grand Party, were undertaken by a select committee of organisers.

Among the group were the current experts on all things Party-related and host of the event: our honourable Mayor, along with a contingent of Gammers and Gaffers old enough to recall the first Party (once they had been offered suitable refreshment and a pipe, that is). The rest of the council was a fairly balanced representation of all the Free Peoples.

Through the smoky haze that went up, plans were eagerly discussed (and copious amounts of food and drink consumed). However, several obstacles had to be overcome, and changes made to account for factors that had not needed to be considered in the original celebration.

Table settings and chairs had to be well-suited to guests of various sizes, including Men, Hobbits, Dwarves, and Elves. What was too large for a Hobbit fitted a larger Dwarf, but was still too small for a Man, let alone a stately Elf.

Not to mention the menu. Dwarves clamoured for an open buffet, rich with mutton, beef, and pork, while the Elves wanted a well-ordered formal dinner with a salad and appetizers preceding the main course. Whichever course was decided upon, the Hobbits present were stubbornly determined to obtain a large stock of Old Winyards, an extravagance that put the Town Treasurer into a purple fit.

Between verbal jibes and idle speculations made on the respective parentage of the other committee members, a compromise was somehow reached. The Dwarven contingent would design some ingenious furniture adaptable to the relative needs and size of the user. The Hobbits would accept the substitution of a generous gift of Dorwinion from the Elves, in addition to laying in a proper stock of ale for liquid refreshment. The Elves, for their part, would be willing to settle for a full-service salad bar and a generous spread of hors d'oeuvres. The rest were just happy that the bickering was over—or so they thought.

That crisis settled, the next battle was pitched over the evening's programme. If you were to try to take all the entertainment suggestions and pack them all in, you'd have to find some powerful wizard able to keep the Sun in bed and make the night last into the next week, at the very least. Fireworks, speeches, musical compositions, poetry, dance, re-enactments, contests of skill, tests of strength, and various other entertainments of every sort imaginable were proposed and evaluated. In the end, all re-enactments were stricken out as too long and dull (and everyone there knew how golf was invented anyway), the number and types of musical and lyrical presentations lessened and fairly divided between the four races, and the contests limited to those in which all could partake equally. The remaining items were incorporated into the times for merry-making between scheduled events.

Among the rejected activities were a few items of note: Toss-the-dwarf was immediately thrown out, amidst the glares of that proud race. The idea of a magic show was quickly vetoed by the older Hobbits-—they never had gotten over the shock of that first grand disappearing trick and couldn't bear the thought of a series of such surprises. The Dwarves were insistent that long speeches should be kept to a minimum and resolved to have no more than a few spokespeople from each race.

Narrowly missing the final approval list was an address from the great-great-great-great-great...uh...VERY great granddaughter of the infamous Thinking Fox—a clever little vixen with a Black coat.

After years of study, his descendants had finally mastered the ability of speech, and she had planned to say a few words of inspirational wisdom that her great ancestors had learned in their long years of silent reflection. Unfortunately, it did not make the final list, and the general populace are still wondering, 'What would the fox say?'

Deliberations continued for days. Threats were made, curses uttered, and undying hatred sworn to the 10th generation of fellow planners, but somehow, finally, it all came together. However, despite all the intricate planning, beautiful tented pavilions, and splendid weather, when the day of the celebration was at hand, things were still far from running smoothly.

There was a problem with the very first self-adjusting chairs, and several Elves were unfortunate enough to experience the spine-stretching horrors of a chair with its own ideas of their proper bodily proportions. As per usual, they blamed the Dwarves and their infernal contraptions, as they managed to limp away, slightly taller. Blame, however, was impossible to assign, as the Dwarven craftsmen's unrestrained mirth in the face of their rivals' discomfiture was attributable to many causes—most somewhat less than malicious in nature. Once repairs were made (and fear of the chairs conquered by a test performed by a particularly foolish brave Took), everyone, now assured of their personal safety and secure in the attachment of their limbs, hurried to take a seat for the first course.

Things went well, and the meal progressed favorably until several people, (mostly female) had a small disagreement over the relative merits of some celebrities, referred to as '#HisMajesty' and 'Thrandy', respectively. Originally starting as a small bit of partisanship, the conflict soon grew so large that they began to self-identify as 'Oakenminxes' and 'Thralls'. This rivalry was nothing especially new—battles had been fought and the historical fact of 'Thrall Wars' and 'The Fight of the Fan-girls' could be easily recalled, but this was the first time that disagreement had become quite so passionate. It was almost impossible to follow the ever-changing flow of point and counter-point, but the words 'sass', 'majestic', 'mane', and 'meglarocerus' came up frequently. The Oakenminxes, led by the most Subversive Minx of them all, had the advantage of time and organisation, but more than a few Thralls who had previously been Lurking out in the Mirk, quickly rallied to their cause. Numbers just about even, the question never was settled, but continued to stir and seethe.

Debate was halted as a new distraction caught hold of popular attention. Apparently some Hobbits (helped along by some Dorwinion) started to spread a rumour about something called 'Thilbo' and 'Bagginsshield'. Not content to stop there, they also informed the Thralls that 'a very reliable source' had said that Thrandy's unparalleled sass was maintained by artificial means called 'glamour'. Uniting in a righteous crusade against a common enemy, the Thralls and Oakenminxes soon dealt with those with wagging tongues and sat together amicably for the rest of the evening, well satisfied with their night's work.


Emboldened by the display of such spirit, another fan-following raised their own flag.These party-goers (this time, mostly male) were part of the activist outlet of a historical research group, engaged in the study of the forgotten and overlooked influences at work in changing the political policy of the past. Their mission: To ensure that proper credit was given where it was due; to seek out the names of heroes who might have been omitted from the official records; and to restore them to their place in the rolls of history.

This part of that collective endeavour—a group known as 'Truth for Tauriel'—contended for the oft disputed existence of this female Elf and argued for her decisive role in the geopolitical balance of pre-war Mirkwood. As a captain of the guards, (Her traditionally assigned position according to the majority of local legends), surely she would have been privy to the secrets of the ruling family and have access to their inner sanctum and councils. After having broadly stated their case, there was a sudden noise like the striking of a hollow drum, and the main speaker was hurled backwards from his position atop the table. Apparently, something called a 'Purist' had decided to cut his address short and strike him down with an ale cork propelled from an empty cask.

After the sudden commotion, things were quickly steered back on course by the honourable Mayor. Her genuinely moving and emotional speech was a huge success at deterring any would-be rabble rousers, and everyone cheered in their seats. (Except for those few flibbertigibbet Halflings, who added some weak applause from their perch above the assembly, suspended from the main pavilion's support ropes by their waistcoats.)

Things progressed smoothly, and the night was full of beautiful song, poetry, and dancing, all accompanied by an Elvish band. Finally, at about midnight, the main event, a choreographed firework and pyrotechnic display, arranged by the Dwarves, and set to the tune 'Roads Go Ever On and On', was planned to take place, providing a spectacular conclusion to the night's entertainment.

The Elves, however, had their own ideas. Patiently awaiting their opportunity for revenge, they had carefully switched the planned track for one of their own compositions—a parody song entitled 'Smells like Dwarf Boots'--with less than flattering lyrics describing (in vivid detail) numerous strange afflictions of the confined foot. Howls of laughter, cries of rage, and smirks of self-satisfaction broke out simultaneously. It was only by the barest margin that order was restored. Instruments were confiscated--lest the band should feel the need for a live encore--the correct musical track was replaced, and the show began.

It was an indescribable thing of beauty, as stars, flowers, and lights burst overhead, showering the previously fractured assembly in a warm light. Unconsciously, those there began to weep as the show reached its peak. Turning to their neighbor--and it didn't matter if they were Hobbit, Man, Elf, or Dwarf--their eyes were full of joy and wonder. In the midst of such a lovingly crafted presentation, those present began to reflect on the fact that they had lived together for the last 60 years, and that no matter how different the citizens Tolkienia were, they were still part of the same family. And that was something worth lasting the last 60 years, and preserving for the next 60 and beyond.


Your wandering-but-not-lost reporter, Rembrethil



WHO WAS BILBO?




Who was Bilbo?

(See link to Antony’s Speech)

Elves, Hobbits, Khaz’ds and men,
Lend me your ears (pointy as some may be);
We come to praise Bilbo, and be merry for him.

The good that Hobbits do lives after them
(Although the gold is oft interred with their bones);
So let it be with Bilbo. The noble Lotho
Hath told you Bilbo’s avaricious:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
But Lobelia egregiously hath answered him
There, under the eaves of Bag End.

Come I to speak at Bilbo’s birthday.
He was our friend, faithful and just to all.

For Bilbo had an honorable plan.
He hath brought many halflings home to
visit, whose pockets his generous coffers filled.
Did this in Bilbo seem avaricious?

When poor Drogo and Primula died, Bilbo hath wept.
Avarice should be made of sterner stuff.
Yet townsfolk said Bilbo was peculiar.
(But townsfolk can be fussy little hens—not in Tolkienia, of course!)

I speak not to disprove what Lotho spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
All do love him, not without cause.

What cause could then withhold us now to celebrate?
A ring? Stand, and give him a round!
For he had left it there for Frodo,
And to his heirs;
And, thereby, for ever saved the West.


—Mayor Ethel


************************

The Tolkienia Times, Party Edition, September 21, 2014



(This post was edited by Silverlode on Sep 22 2014, 11:18pm)


dernwyn
Forum Admin / Moderator


Sep 22 2014, 12:47am

Post #2 of 11 (894 views)
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"Toss-the-dwarf was immediately thrown out"? [In reply to] Can't Post

LOL!

Hobbits have Mentos? I supposed with so many meals eaten daily, they do need a bit of "breath fresheners"!

The Bard for Bilbo! A most fitting tribute!

And of course, the "baby shower" is most appropriate. Heart

Excellent edition of the Tolkienia Times, Madame Mayor!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I desired dragons with a profound desire"





silneldor
Half-elven


Sep 22 2014, 2:01am

Post #3 of 11 (885 views)
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I concur [In reply to] Can't Post

with said assessment. All contributions to the 'Times' were a delight, and i am grateful for such efforts. ...And may Daniel have fun with all aspects of daddying *giggle* (reminiscing such lately)......Come to think of it, i don't see why Daniel cannot pin diapers with one hand and type with the otherAngelic.

" 'Fair lady Goldberry!' said Frodo at last, feeling his heart move with a joy that he did not understand. He stood as he had at times stood enchanted by fair elven-voices; but the spell that was now laid upon him was different: less keen and lofty was the delight, but deeper and nearer to mortal heart; marvellous and yet not strange."

Chapter VII: In the House of Tom Bombadil; FOTR's

Faerie contains many things besides elves and fays and besides dwarfs, witches, trolls, giants or dragons; it holds the seas, the sun, the moon, the sky; and the earth, and all things that are one in it: tree and bird, water and stone, wine and bread, and ourselves, mortal men, when we are enchanted."
— J.R.R. Tolkien














Kim
Valinor


Sep 22 2014, 2:06am

Post #4 of 11 (892 views)
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The fangirls have invaded Tolkienia! [In reply to] Can't Post

Thank goodness all turned out well in the end!


A parody of an opera? You've outdone yourself RT - Bravo!


Thanks for a most entertaining party update mayor and team. Cool


And congratulations again to Daniel and family!







Join us every weekend for The Hobbit Chapter of the Week discussions!



BlackFox
Half-elven


Sep 22 2014, 8:56am

Post #5 of 11 (892 views)
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Bravo! [In reply to] Can't Post

An edition most worthy of the occasion. Great job, all!

And what a party!


In Reply To
Narrowly missing the final approval list was an address from the great-great-great-great-great...uh...VERY great granddaughter of the infamous Thinking Fox—a clever little vixen with a Black coat.

After years of study, his descendants had finally mastered the ability of speech, and she had planned to say a few words of inspirational wisdom that her great ancestors had learned in their long years of silent reflection. Unfortunately, it did not make the final list, and the general populace are still wondering, 'What would the fox say?'

LaughUnimpressedFrownTongue



DanielLB
Immortal


Sep 22 2014, 9:28am

Post #6 of 11 (903 views)
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Addendum: The newest resident of Tolkienia had this to say: [In reply to] Can't Post


Quote
goo goo ga ga


Which I have been informed roughly translates as:


Quote
What about second breakfast?


Complimentary ear plugs are available from the Town Hall to all residents within a 2 mile radius of the DanielLB household. Mayor Ethel has reassured locals that their homes have not decreased in value because of heightened noise levels.

For further reassurance, baby DanielLB is currently undergoing necessary Tolkien indoctrination. Current bed-time stories include The Lay of Leithian and Narn i Chîn Húrin.

Reliable weather forecasting will re-commence when a specialised team remove the dirty nappy from my desk.





BlackFox
Half-elven


Sep 22 2014, 11:47am

Post #7 of 11 (877 views)
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*mods up* [In reply to] Can't Post

Good luck to you on your adventure, Daniel! TongueSmile



Rembrethil
Tol Eressea


Sep 22 2014, 1:48pm

Post #8 of 11 (870 views)
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I thought you'd like that part!! [In reply to] Can't Post

Can you spot the other references? Wink

Call me Rem, and remember, not all who ramble are lost...Uh...where was I?


Ethel Duath
Half-elven


Sep 22 2014, 2:04pm

Post #9 of 11 (871 views)
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That is a very effective diaper! [In reply to] Can't Post

Can you tell me the brand? I can buy some for the beleaguered parents of my 1-year-old niece and nephew.Wink

Yes, the decibel level is surprising, isn't it.Shocked

The team is on it's way.





BlackFox
Half-elven


Sep 22 2014, 2:32pm

Post #10 of 11 (871 views)
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Do you have any particular one in mind? [In reply to] Can't Post

It's full of gems! SmileTongue



grammaboodawg
Immortal


Sep 22 2014, 4:42pm

Post #11 of 11 (909 views)
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*stands on table in wild applause* BRAVO!!! CONGRATS!!! Party-on Dudes! // [In reply to] Can't Post

OMG! You should have a disclaimer on that Song! I made the BIG mistake of listening/reading it whilst at work... and about split myself trying not to LAUGH AND SNORT OUT LOUD! *more applause* Brilliant! :D


And I wanted to be at that Party with the whole Middle-earth Family present! OMG! How did you do that!? Another BRILLIANT piece of foot-stomping FUN!


And, of course, mucho (still in Pavarotti mode) Congratulations-O to the DanielLB's FAMILY! What a thrill! My baby is turning 44 soon, and I can still close my eyes and smell her sweetness and see her face... and hear her screams!! "ATTEND TO ME... NOW! FIGURE IT OUT... AND BE QUICK ABOUT IT!" *sigh* I miss the good ol' days ;) Trust me... they grow up FAST!


And the mystery of Bilbo is solved :D WAY AWESOME!!


Thank you so much for this... my Tolkienia Friends! Happy Birthday Bilbo and Frodo! And Happy Birthday to THE HOBBIT!



6th draft of TH:AUJ Geeky Observation List - November 28, 2013
4th draft of TH:DOS Geeky Observation List - May 15, 2014



sample

"There is more in you of good than you know, child of the kindly West."

I'm SO HAPPY these new films take me back to that magical world!!



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