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Elarie
Grey Havens
Jun 21 2014, 2:45pm
Post #1 of 15
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Thorin's diary of his trip to Erebor (at least, the bits that he remembers)
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As some of us have noticed, our beloved King Under the Mountain has a habit of pushing his dinner aside and reaching for the nearest tankard or flask. Which got me wondering, how much of this quest stuff does he actually remember? I couldn’t help picturing Thorin, standing in the doorway of Bag End, flask in hand and swaying slightly as he says, “Gandalf, I thought you said this place was easy to find. I lost my way, twice.” And well, it was all just downhill from there. So here, with apologies to the Line of Durin, and thanks to the posters who put up the Hobbit timeline a few weeks ago, is:
(The Mostly Movie Version of)
Thorin’s Diary of His Trip to Erebor
(At Least the Bits That He Remembers)
April 27
Woke up in strange little house where everything is round. Vague memory of getting lost but must be the right place because all the guys are here. Dwalin says I made an after dinner speech and led a sing-along last night. Sounds pretty tame, but Dwalin says someone fainted. Guess I should tell the guys to tone it down when ladies are present.
Apparently we’re going somewhere to visit a lonely person. Balin says it’s time to go, the ponies are waiting.
Ponies?
Later - Riding east to visit the lonely person. Dwalin refilled all my flasks when Balin wasn’t looking and slipped a few bottles under his coat in case we run low like we always do. Wish I could remember where we got these tattoos. They’re pretty great, but I’m glad the ones Dwalin picked out for me don’t show.
There’s an old guy with a pointy hat coming with us. Not sure why, and I don’t like the look of that big stick he carries. Hope he doesn’t hit his pony with it.
Later still - A strange little guy with hairy feet just joined us. Not sure why, but the old guy says he’s coming along. Don’t mind if he does, but wish he’d cover up those feet.
Later again - Still going east. Looks like it’s going to be a long thirsty ride.
May 19
Woke up standing on a cliff. Wish these guys would pay more attention; I could have fallen off. Balin is talking about Azog again. Sigh. Heard this story so many times, it’s really hard to look interested. Don’t suppose anyone would notice if I just turned around and slipped off for a nightcap.
May 30
Woke up in a sack. Unusual. Vague memory of the old guy going off in a huff about something. Dwalin says I picked a fight with some trolls that didn’t go very well. Fortunately, the old guy came back and distracted them with his stick until the sun came up. Now they’ve turned into stone and the guys are drawing rude pictures on them. Hope no ladies come by.
Later - Found a cave full of stuff. Took lots of it. Got a great sword.
Borrowed Ori’s flask to celebrate but there was nothing in it but apple juice. Borrowed something from Oin’s medicine box instead.
Sometime later - Woke up in another cave. Really out of breath. Dwalin says some orcs picked a fight with us and it didn’t go very well. Vague memory of a magician with lots of rabbits. Birthday party for Kili? Strange, don’t usually invite orcs to birthday parties.
Dwalin says there’s a path at the back of the cave and he wants to follow it, so I guess we’re going that way.
Later still - Staying at an amazing Bed & Breakfast with free buffets and unlimited flask refills. Lots of elves, but they leave us alone. The little guy and the old guy spend lots of time with them, though. The old guy is really grumpy - said his name is Gandalf and to stop calling him Old Guy.
Later again - The guys found a great swimming pool that no one is using.
More later again - Good news - Bofur found the wine cellar.
Time to stock up.
June 30
Woke up on a cliff. Wish these guys would be more careful. Looks like we’re leaving that house and walking east. There’s lots of mountains up ahead. Wonder where the ponies are? I hope this lonely person is worth it.
Later - Found a couple of extra flasks in my boots - must be from Dwalin. They’re full of that clear stuff that the elves make. Worth a try.
July 16
Woke up on another cliff. Lots of loud noises and flashing lights. Everything is spinning around. Don’t know what those elves put in that stuff, but this is the worst hangover I’ve ever had. Wouldn’t mind going back for more.
Later - No such luck. We’re in another cave. Cold and wet. Need a nightcap, but at least the spinning has stopped. Borrowed Gloin’s flask but he made me pay for it.
July 19
Woke up in a tree. Not the first time, but this time all the guys are up here with me. Vague memory of terrible singing - hope it wasn’t me. Dwalin said I picked a fight with some goblins that didn’t go very well, but Gandalf waved his stick at them and we got away. I’m starting to wonder about that stick. Now he’s lighting pine cones on fire and throwing them at some people down below. Seems like a bad idea with all these trees and the smoke is really making me thirsty. I think my left boot flask still has something in it.
Next day
Woke up on another cliff, but this time the guys were all standing around me so I couldn’t roll off. Had one of those great flying dreams. Lots of bruises, though. Dwalin says I picked a fight with a warg that didn’t go very well. Odd, don’t usually have much trouble with wargs. Beautiful morning, though - kind of morning that makes you want to hug someone. And what a view - everyone is looking at it.
Later - Gandalf says we have to climb down this cliff. Don’t like the looks of it. Borrowed Bofur’s flask but it was already empty. Borrowed Bifur’s instead but had to trade him a pretty rock for it. Fili and Kili are both hanging onto my coat, so I guess they don’t like this either.
July 21
Woke up in another house. Terrible dream about giant bears. Everything here is huge, and the owner talks to his animals and says they understand him. I think he’s lived alone for a long time. Asked Balin if this is the lonely person we’re going to visit, but he says, “no”, we have to keep going.
Later - Owner invited us for breakfast and is handing out the biggest tankards I’ve ever seen. Starting to appreciate the appeal of second breakfast.
July 22
Woke up on a pony. Not sure why, but at least I’m facing frontward. Dwalin’s still talking about that other time. Pretty sure it’s a different pony, though. Too bad - got on really well with the last one.
We seem to be going north now, but Balin says we’re really still going east. Don’t understand, but not worth arguing about. Big dark forest coming up - don’t like the look of it.
July 25
Gandalf made us get off our ponies and sent them away. Then he left, too, but kept his horse, which doesn’t seem fair. The little guy is still here, though. Balin says we have to walk through the forest now and carry our packs. Dumb idea. Should have kept the ponies.
July 27
Walking through forest. Balin says we have to ration our food and drink.
August 3
Still walking through forest. Creepy feeling of being watched. Dwalin says it’s just Fili and Kili making sure I don’t wander off.
August 13
Still walking through forest. Don’t think Balin knows where he’s going. Just how far away IS this lonely person?
August 18
Still walking, but getting fed up. Guys are acting strange. Little guy has started climbing trees and talking about butterflies. Bombur won’t even move any more. Borrowed his flask since he’s not using it. Don’t want to hurt Balin’s feelings but I think it’s time I led the way.
August 24
Woke up in elf jail. Durin’s Nuts! Did anyone else see those spiders? Dreams must be getting worse. Too bad that redhead isn’t real, though.
Dwalin says we wandered off the path and got arrested for trespassing in the Hoodlum Realm. Vague memory of a tall blond in a shiny dress asking for jewelry. Don’t approve of ladies like that, no matter what Nori says, but still, hope I didn’t say anything rude.
Later - Turns out the redhead is real, and she’s the chief jailer. If this is elf torture they’ve got it all wrong. And Kili has another one of his crushes on her. Oin has explained to him that he’s not going to grow any taller, but I don’t think he’s accepted it.
September 21
Good news - the little guy arranged a jailbreak and led us to the wine cellar. Turns out he’s not such a total zero after all.
Time to stock up.
Later - Woke up in a barrel in a river. Unusual, even for this trip. Dwalin says some orcs picked a fight with us and we had to kill a few. Also, the elves are still mad at us. Hope we don’t get arrested again. Just got out of jail, don’t want to go back.
Later again - Balin found a boat for rent but it’s expensive. Lucky for us the jailers didn’t take our money. Glad to get out of this barrel - tried paddling with a stick but it didn’t work very well. This water is cold and my hair is wet. Borrowed Dori’s flask while he was fixing his braids.
September 22
Woke up in the boat guy’s toilet. Not sure why - don’t usually get sick when I drink. Had a terrible dream about fish.
Later - Went for a walk, got arrested again. Dwalin says I need to talk to the judge.
September 23
Woke up in a banquet hall. Good news - the judge is letting us go and giving us free stuff. All we have to do is leave town.
October 9
Another boat ride out of town. Was hoping we could take ponies. Really don’t like all this water. Kili and some of the guys are staying behind at the boat guy’s house. Hope he doesn’t make them use the toilet door.
Later - We’re going north again, but this time Balin says it’s really north and not east. Big mountain ahead. Turns out it’s the Lonely Mountain, not a lonely person.
They could have told me.
Later still - Climbing around on the mountain. Balin says we’re looking for an invisible door. I think he’s joking.
Later again - Can’t believe it. The little guy found the invisible door and we opened it with this key I’ve been wearing. Good thing the jailers didn’t take it.
More later - The little guy is going down a long, spooky tunnel. The rest of us are going to wait here. Very chilly up here; borrowed Nori’s flask. Looks like one that I used to have.
Lots later - Woke up in a big room with a gold floor. Not sure why. Vague memory of bonfires and wheelbarrow races. Another party? Dwalin says I picked a fight with a dragon and it ran away, but I don’t believe him - sounds like one of Dwalin’s jokes.
Even more later - Starting to remember this place, but this floor is new. Nice, but a little over the top. Going to look around.
Still even more later - Good news. Found Grandpa Thror’s wine cellar.
Time to stock up.
Some days later
Woke up on a mountain side. Not sure why - everything is a complete blank. Dwalin says I picked a fight with the neighbors and then tried to throw the little guy off the balcony because I didn’t like his feet. Dwalin thinks it’s funny but I feel kind of bad about that. The little guy can’t help his feet and he did bust us out of jail. Would like to apologize but no one’s seen him lately.
Later - Little guy turned up wearing a sparkly shirt. Not something I would care to be seen in, but he seems to like it. I told him I was sorry for trying to throw him off the balcony. He told me to get a good meal and lay off the drink. Said the world would look merrier if I did. I told him it doesn’t matter how the world looks when you can’t remember it anyway. He didn’t have much to say after that and went away.
Later still - Fili and Kili say we’re going away someplace quiet where I can have a nice rest and Dis will come and visit. Guess I should get cleaned up. Hope we’re not going by barrel. Cousin Dain from the Ironed Hills is going to look after the house while we’re gone. Told Fili to lock up the wine cellar.
Dwalin refilled all my flasks when Balin wasn’t looking, and Fili says it’s time to go, the ponies are waiting.
Ponies?
Epilogue
Thorin is enjoying a nice rest in a lovely, quiet place with lots of healthy food, fresh air and plenty of apple juice. Dis visits him as often as possible (but she needs to keep an eye on Fili and Kili, too) and so do his other friends and relatives, including Dwalin, who brings him special presents when Dis and Balin aren’t looking.
Meanwhile, Fili is helping Cousin Dain clean up Erebor and is wondering if Dain is ever going to pack up and go home; Kili got a tattoo of a redhead in a place that doesn’t show; Dwalin just had a new coat made out of white warg fur; and Balin has started to wonder if he shouldn’t just move away from his relatives.
The good news is that Thorin’s memory is improving and he found his pony. The bad news is that he’s still wondering why the Ironed Hills aren’t flat.
Oh well, we love him anyway.
And once again the world has not arranged itself just for me.
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Kim
Valinor
Jun 21 2014, 5:23pm
Post #2 of 15
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OK, that was pretty funny. They do seem to pick a lot of fights and end up in strange places though don't they?
"Jagatud rõõm on topelt rõõm - a shared joy is a double joy". ~Estonian saying
“As such, you will address His Majesty as His Majesty, the Lord of Silver Fountains, the King of Carven Stone, the King Beneath the Mountain, the Lion of Erebor, the High King of the Dwarves, the True Treasure of Erebor, the Face that Launched 10,000 Sighs, or Thorin the Majestic..."
http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_collapsed
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Otaku-sempai
Immortal
Jun 21 2014, 8:57pm
Post #3 of 15
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Jackson's company probably escaped from the Wood-elves' Realm much later than in the book--likely near the end of October! At least film-Bilbo might not have spent his birthday with a miserable cold; instead he was wandering around, invisible, in the Woodland Realm, perhaps even still traveling through Mirkwood.
'There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world.' - Gandalf the Grey, The Fellowship of the Ring
(This post was edited by Otaku-sempai on Jun 21 2014, 8:58pm)
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Na Vedui
Rohan
Jun 21 2014, 10:10pm
Post #4 of 15
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..."still wondering why the Ironed Hills aren’t flat. " !
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Elarie
Grey Havens
Jun 22 2014, 11:11am
Post #5 of 15
(1050 views)
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Yes, trying to figure out the movie timeline was a bit of a problem
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On the one hand, poor Thorin probably never knew what day it was anyway; on the other hand, I wanted it to read like a diary, so I figured Ori wrote in the dates for him and just went with the posted timeline.
And once again the world has not arranged itself just for me.
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Elarie
Grey Havens
Jun 22 2014, 11:23am
Post #6 of 15
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With a flask in each boot and a friend like Dwalin
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Life is never dull. 
And once again the world has not arranged itself just for me.
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Elarie
Grey Havens
Jun 22 2014, 11:37am
Post #7 of 15
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(That was one of my favorites, too, even if I do say so myself.)
And once again the world has not arranged itself just for me.
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Cirashala
Valinor
Jun 25 2014, 3:05am
Post #8 of 15
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That was priceless! I laughed like crazy! Ironed hills? Lonely person? LOL ROFL!!! 
Nice job- might want to consider posting it on fanfiction.net I'm sure there are a lot of other people who would get a good kick out of this!
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DaughterofLaketown
Gondor
Jun 25 2014, 4:25am
Post #9 of 15
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Definitely post this somewhere.
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I had to stifle my laughter so I people wouldn't ask me what was so funny! Sooo funny!
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Cirashala
Valinor
Jun 25 2014, 5:29am
Post #10 of 15
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You replied to me, not the original poster
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might want to reply to the OP, not me, otherwise she may not see this if she's reading in threaded mode
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Elarie
Grey Havens
Jun 25 2014, 12:03pm
Post #11 of 15
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Thank you all for the kind comments
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I had fun writing it, so I'm glad you had fun reading it.
Sigh - just trying to pass the time somehow until the third movie comes out. Or at least a trailer!
And once again the world has not arranged itself just for me.
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Avandel
Half-elven
Jun 27 2014, 2:12am
Post #13 of 15
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And I'm off to visit Thorin w. my Grandma's special "medicine" as it always seems to cheer her up.
Thank you, love that. I've often wondered how Thorin, whose meals are so often interrupted, manages not to pass out. Oh, well, since he doesn't sleep well, maybe he gets up and raids the fridge......
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Otaku-sempai
Immortal
Feb 5 2015, 3:12pm
Post #14 of 15
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Hmmm. Is Thorin using the Dwarf calendar?
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Either the Dwarven calender differs significantly from the Shire calendar or Thorin is having trouble keeping track of the days (not unlikely if he is drinking this heavily!). In Shire Reckoning, the Company set out from Rivendell on Midyear's Day, after the end of June. Point this out to Thorin, though, and he would probably just mumble something about "Details...details..."
"The Great Scaly One protects us from alien invaders and ourselves with his fiery atomic love. It can be a tough love - the “folly of man” and all that - but Godzilla is a fair god.
"Godzilla is totally accepting of all people and faiths. For it is written that liberal or conservative, Christian or Muslim or Jew, straight or gay, all people sound pretty much the identical as they are crushed beneath his mighty feet." - Tony Isabella, The First Church of Godzilla (Reform)
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Elarie
Grey Havens
Feb 5 2015, 10:41pm
Post #15 of 15
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Poor Thorin and that pesky calendar
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As if figuring out Durin's day isn't bad enough...
__________________
Gold is the strife of kinsmen,
and fire of the flood-tide,
and the path of the serpent.
(Old Icelandic Fe rune poem)
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No thank you!
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