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MELeaks: The Middle-earth Registry of Business and Trademarks

Lurker in the Mirk
Valinor


Jun 2 2014, 4:42am

Post #1 of 21 (1866 views)
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MELeaks: The Middle-earth Registry of Business and Trademarks Can't Post

A sampling of questionable businesses created and registered in the third age circa 2941 has come to light. What others might be exposed?

  • Erebor mining claims ["If you can make it out the front doors, its yours to keep!" (*terms and conditions apply)]
  • Bank of Mordor (BOM) Treasury Bonds ("Love us and despair. Plotting your eternal subjugation with your money")
  • Longbeard Mathoms Corporation ("Meeting all your defensive and offensive weapon needs". Attractive discounts for bulk purchases and end-of-line products. Just don't expect to kill no dragons with one shot. *dumb luck guarantee not applicable with other promotions)
  • Saruman Brothers Global Financial Services Firm ("We build trust funds, together we'll exploit the world to its polluted end")
  • Trolls "R" Us ("We live large." Equipping the darkest corners of the world with bouncer muscles, a sunlight-tolerant division is also available for bodyguarding daytime shenanigans)
  • Laketown Homesteads ("Immobile homes that you won't have to leave even when the glaciers disappear because we're already knee-deep anyway. Just don't start no fire")
  • The Mirkwood Landbank Scheme (Clever tagline pending. Petitioner is working on procuring the rights, but according to latest reports he has so far only managed inroads south of the Elf Path negotiating with the Arachnids at Law firm, which are nowhere near nancing elfses, the natural crowd draws, at all cos that disagreeable pointy-eared fellow who hold all elvish landrights, refused every single exploitative proposal... who, in his words, is a "gloriously majestic s.o.b. of a negotiator")


  • (this is a continuation of this post, the latest of an OT discussion in a TH thread Tongue)


    Fan of both books and movies. Oh, and it seems I have severely misnamed myself... for the moment.

    Thranduil Appreciation: I, II, III, IV, V

    "BoFA"= The Battle || "BotFA"/"tBofTA" = The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies


    CuriousG
    Half-elven


    Jun 2 2014, 11:54am

    Post #2 of 21 (1500 views)
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    Dirty business [In reply to] Can't Post

     
    • Shelob's Shangri-La Bed and Breakfast: "Come into my bed and become my breakfast."
    • Freelance Ferny: "Experienced thug, spy, and traitor for hire by anyone, and I mean anyone. Discount for customers wearing black and hissing. Also available as a clown for birthday parties. Try me!"
    • Khazad-Dum Exclusive Tours: "Experienced tour guide provides behind-the-scenes, one-on-one tours of the world's most famous abandoned city. Jump off the great bridge and see what's below, walk the Endless Stair, and visit the petting zoo of nameless things that gnaw the world that even Sauron doesn't know about. Up to nine members allowed per party. Sorry, no Wizards."
    • Uruk Hai: "Get High the Uruk Way. Mobile Dispensary of Medical Marijuana. We keep moving, because the police keep raiding us, but if you can find us, we've got the finest Southfarthing Leaf, honest."



    Otaku-sempai
    Immortal


    Jun 2 2014, 2:15pm

    Post #3 of 21 (1484 views)
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    Here's one... [In reply to] Can't Post

  • Lobellia's 'Nick'nacks & Notions. "If you can't find it, ask. We'll try to acquire it for you. We have a lovely collection of silver spoons.


  • 'There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world.' - Gandalf the Grey, The Fellowship of the Ring


    Rembrethil
    Tol Eressea


    Jun 2 2014, 2:34pm

    Post #4 of 21 (1482 views)
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    Air Service [In reply to] Can't Post

    Eagle Airlines: We fly whenever and wherever*

    *Disclaimer: Except Mordor and close to Mannish population centres. Times and tables of service unavailable. Contact must be made via Moth Mail, but constitutes no formal contract. Premiere Service available for Wizards and special discounts for returning customers. Service for large parties may include layovers in the Dispatch Operations Centre-- food provided. Mutton payment preferred, but no more of that 'discounted' second-hand stuff, we've gotten some farmers around here asking some tricky questions. If you don't own it, don't sell it. Extra fees and taxes may be levied for conditions of extreme peril encountered in the course of service. ATTENTION: We no longer offer 'get me out of here' service, so don't ask. If it involves fire, lava, or large, winged, reptilian monsters, don't ask.

    Call me Rem, and remember, not all who ramble are lost...Uh...where was I?


    Elarie
    Grey Havens

    Jun 2 2014, 4:04pm

    Post #5 of 21 (1486 views)
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    Special Offer - 10 pieces of gold per month [In reply to] Can't Post

    Wizard's Travel Insurance - same day staff replacement; 24 hour bunny sleigh service; discount lodging at member towers; and monthly coupons for groups of 15 or more. Upgrade to Crystal Card membership for luxury White Horse rentals.

    (Emergency air transportation not included in offer)

    Contact us by Moth Mail, Elf Telepathy, or leave note at Prancing Pony, Bree.

    Special Offer is good only until mid-summer. Does not include trips to Mordor, Unknown Lands, or Over The Sea.


    And once again the world has not arranged itself just for me.


    Bracegirdle
    Valinor


    Jun 2 2014, 5:48pm

    Post #6 of 21 (1463 views)
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    Discounts available? [In reply to] Can't Post

  • Jolly Cotton’s Cheese and Confection Emporium: We cut the cheese; you eat the sammich.

  • Orophin’s Anduin River Raft ‘n Ride: Enjoy the thrill of a splash down the Sarn Gebir. Bring your own paddles.

  • Celebrimbor’s Jewelry Bazaar: We’ve got things and Rings, and Rings, and . . . Rings too!

  • Dwalin’s Spa and Health Resort: All lardos welcome. [Bombur has lost so much weight that it now takes only five young Dwarves to carry him to the chow-line.]


  • Rem: I thought "Eagle Airlines" went defunct and changed their name to "Landroval Airlines"?Smile

    **This space for hire***
    Contact Messrs, Grubb, Grubb, and Burrowes.
    Hole 17, Bywater Pool Road, Bywater,
    Westfarthing


    Meneldor
    Valinor


    Jun 2 2014, 10:50pm

    Post #7 of 21 (1477 views)
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    Ancalagon's Landscaping, Unlimnited [In reply to] Can't Post

    "Bringing the mountains to you since the First Age!"
    *not responsible for tectonic plate shifting, continental flooding, deforestation, volcanic eruptions, lava flows, earthquakes, global reshaping, global warming, or climate change. Customers required to clear sky of all half-elven mariners, flying ships, and light emitting jewelary. Offer void where prohibited by Valar. This corporation is a subsidiary of Melkor's Musical Morphing, disincorporated.


    They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters; These see the works of the Lord, and His wonders in the deep.


    Bladerunner
    Gondor


    Jun 3 2014, 12:00am

    Post #8 of 21 (1446 views)
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    Weathertop Zipline Adventures... [In reply to] Can't Post

    Imagine ziplining above the tree -top canopies of Amon Sul as a horde of screeching Orcs and Nazgul pursue you from below!

    Were-Bear Grooming and Spa Services.

    TV Shows:
    "Jeopardy!" with your host Smeagol.
    "Last Homely House-Hunters International."
    "Survivor - Middle-earth" with your host Tom Bombadil.


    Avandel
    Half-elven

    Jun 3 2014, 12:41am

    Post #9 of 21 (1448 views)
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    the upstart competition [In reply to] Can't Post

    Azog's Landscaping & Pest Control - ridding you of pesky dwarf infestations and decluttering the view at the same time.

    Plus, for the ladies:

    • Greed - a new fragrance by Imrich Urnot. Because too much is never enough.
    • Elven Embrace - the new line of facial tissues from the Lothlorien elves. Based on the same soft weave as the famous elven cloaks, guaranteed not to disintegrate no matter how much bawling you do during BOFA.
    • Flash Flame - the exotic liquor with hints of sulfur and the tang of soot, brewed in the ancient forges of the dwarves and served in a keepsake coconut mug carved like a tiny barrel.
    • Pretty Puppy - champion bloodline fluffy snuggly Gundabad wargs.
    • Illusion - the new COMPLETELY waterproof makeup line by Imrich Urnot, another must-have for ladies (or whoever) watching BOFA


    Lurker in the Mirk
    Valinor


    Jun 3 2014, 6:48am

    Post #10 of 21 (1450 views)
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    Gandalf Talent Search Inc. [In reply to] Can't Post

    "Contract the candidate of your dreams, the first time every time."
    No placement-fee refund or candidate replacement guarantee - we are THAT confident of your satisfaction with the candidate you accept. Operating since T.A. 1000. Proven track record. Testimonials available from representatives of Thorin's Company, Council of Elrond, The White Council and the Maia Association of Istari.

    ------
    Great stuff, everyone! Sly


    Fan of both books and movies. Oh, and it seems I have severely misnamed myself... for the moment.

    Thranduil Appreciation: I, II, III, IV, V

    "BoFA"= The Battle || "BotFA"/"tBofTA" = The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies


    Darkstone
    Immortal


    Jun 3 2014, 9:00pm

    Post #11 of 21 (1431 views)
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    The Stay Puft Marshmallow Gothmog [In reply to] Can't Post

    Warg Brand Chili - "The true taste of Mordor in every can!"

    Black Swan Song Hungry Manflesh TV Dinners - "For the Uruk-hai on the go!"

    Secret Gondolin antiperspirant - "Strong Enough for a Man, Made for an Elf"

    White King Burgers "It's What You Crave!"

    Silmarils - "Connecting People"

    Lorien Lembas Bread - "Give me a break, / Give me a break; / Break me off a piece of that / Lembas bread!"

    Samwise Insurance and Ropemaking - "Like a good neighbor, Samwise is there!"

    Grishnák Farms - "Hobbit: The Other Manflesh!"

    ******************************************
    The audacious proposal stirred his heart. And the stirring became a song, and it mingled with the songs of Gil-galad and Celebrian, and with those of Feanor and Fingon. The song-weaving created a larger song, and then another, until suddenly it was as if a long forgotten memory woke and for one breathtaking moment the Music of the Ainur revealed itself in all glory. He opened his lips to sing and share this song. Then he realized that the others would not understand. Not even Mithrandir given his current state of mind. So he smiled and simply said "A diversion.”


    Kim
    Valinor


    Jun 4 2014, 3:05am

    Post #12 of 21 (1402 views)
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    I'd like to place an order please [In reply to] Can't Post


    Quote
    Elven Embrace - the new line of facial tissues from the Lothlorien elves. Based on the same soft weave as the famous elven cloaks, guaranteed not to disintegrate no matter how much bawling you do during BOFA.
    Illusion - the new COMPLETELY waterproof makeup line by Imrich Urnot, another must-have for ladies (or whoever) watching BOFA


    If I purchase a crate of Elven Embrace, can I get a volume discount? I'm assuming that would be a gross i.e. 144 boxes? I need to plan for approximately 10 theater viewings, plus 100 or so home viewings. Do you think that would be enough? 1 box per viewing, plus a few to spare/hand out to friends. Or, are they machine washable and I could just get a couple to cover all my bawling needs?


    Probably just a case of the makeup since it's waterproof.


    Thanks. Let me know where to send the check.



    "Jagatud rõõm on topelt rõõm - a shared joy is a double joy". ~Estonian saying


    “As such, you will address His Majesty as His Majesty, the Lord of Silver Fountains, the King of Carven Stone, the King Beneath the Mountain, the Lion of Erebor, the High King of the Dwarves, the True Treasure of Erebor, the Face that Launched 10,000 Sighs, or Thorin the Majestic..."


    http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_collapsed


    Avandel
    Half-elven

    Jun 5 2014, 12:45am

    Post #13 of 21 (1409 views)
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    They're magical [In reply to] Can't Post

    Elven Embrace facial tissues - an online exclusive - magically "renew" themselves (just like the Mirkwood elves were never dirty and had perfect hair). They also have some sort of soothing lotion and scent therapy in them, to keep the user from getting a headache from weeping and prevent eye puffiness - the magic of Galadriel, you see. They also interestingly allow the user to shred the tissue in tension, despair and grief, and then re-weave themselves, which is perfect for repeat viewings.

    So you don't need that many boxes - you only get ten in a box.

    But SHHHH - I'll tell you a secret I got from a friend who has a friend whose brother is a partner in a company that takes care of the plants at movie studios (seeing as during parties people dump drinks into them etc.) In cooperation with the movie studio, and Imrich Urnot seeing the potential $$$, there will be a SPECIAL commemorative designer release of Elven Embrace tissue boxes - bundled with (get this!!!) a special DVD/BR release of BOFA that has a filmed alternate ending of the original story!Evil Mr. Urnot, never one to waste an opportunity, in an internal e-mail (a fragmented copy was found when the trash was being emptied by an industrial spy) wrote:

    "....bad enough there's a life-size Thorin "standee" in the master bedroom reminding me of my shameful inadequacies every night, but my wife keeps nagging me about "contributing to the depression of Thorin Thralls worldwide", "ruining the holiday", that "life is worth nothing without the joy, the ecstasy, of knowing somewhere out there is a majestic Mountain King with the most glorious mane of night-river hair." Told her she was a nut case but then I'm told I'm insensitive and jealous. Offered to buy her a trip to Dubai, a Mercedes, she says "I can't substitute the TRUE treasure of Erebor". Then my daughters go around yelling "Fili and Kili Forever!" and slamming the doors and glaring at me.

    So that's IT, there's a whole potential market of these fangirls (mostly girls tho can't blame them when yah think of the lean frame of Bard, muscles rippling as he rolled those barrels *ahem*). So we'll let 'em sob their little hearts out in December, making mega-profits with Elven Embrace, Illusion, and Greed (which already has a cult following) and then recapture the facial tissue market in October with a special alternate ending release. That's the trouble with these elvish products, they last centuries and actually seem to follow you around, like you can't lose 'em.

    So you just gotta think up ways to get people to buy MORE of them, even if they don't need 'em. Talk to marketing about the packaging, gotta see if the dwarves will do, like, special carved display boxes, tho getting dwarves and elves to pound out a deal together is such a pain in *bleep*. Stuff like this, we don't need to worry about production vs. sales, we're gonna charge a PREMIUM coz it'll be coming into the shopping season and folks will be in the mood to spend, and anyway these fangirls will spend like mad for these heroes of theirs. Especially if they can re-use the box for paper clips and junk. Those book types will kick up a fuss, but they're gonna need tissues just like everyone else. Talk to development about a line of paper towels too but for Gawd's sake make sure they talk to WETA about the leaf designs...."

    So I'm feeling A LOT better, and won't have to drown my grief in a gallon of "Flash Flame" where I'd need some Elven Embrace tissues just to cure the headache. A Legend Cannot Die!

    P.S. Skip the Illusion eyeliner as the reason it's SO waterproof is that one of the ingredients is "medical grade petroleum product" e.g tar. Though you can use it to plug small holes in leaking pipes, like duct tape only in a pencil form.


    Kim
    Valinor


    Jun 5 2014, 2:41am

    Post #14 of 21 (1400 views)
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    Excellent! [In reply to] Can't Post

    Wonderful to know that these tissues include the soothing lotion and scent therapy to help prevent headaches and eye puffiness. I wonder, have they already decided on the scent offerings, or do you think we could suggest some varieties? I'd go for lavender and vanilla.


    OK, 1 box of 10 should work just fine. And I would definitely be interested in the commemorative designer release bundled with the special DVD/BR with the alternative ending. That will go a long way towards helping in the recovery from the effects of the theatrical release. And if they need any assistance making the dwarven carved display boxes happen, I'd be happy to spearhead a grassroots fan write-in campaign to assure them how much we would appreciate their cooperation in bringing these to life. After all, I am starting to need additional storage solutions for all of my dwarven collectibles.


    Thanks for the tip on the eyeliner. I've been looking for something to use for repairing pipes and other household maintenance needs. Any chance of a line of magical cleaning products that just keep your house clean for you? Perhaps a dwarf or two to help perform some of the household maintenance like fixing my heating system? After all, dwarves are pretty handy with tools and such.



    "Jagatud rõõm on topelt rõõm - a shared joy is a double joy". ~Estonian saying


    “As such, you will address His Majesty as His Majesty, the Lord of Silver Fountains, the King of Carven Stone, the King Beneath the Mountain, the Lion of Erebor, the High King of the Dwarves, the True Treasure of Erebor, the Face that Launched 10,000 Sighs, or Thorin the Majestic..."


    http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_collapsed


    Avandel
    Half-elven

    Jun 5 2014, 4:01am

    Post #15 of 21 (1387 views)
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    the scents of Lothlorien [In reply to] Can't Post

    very magical! Since these are so expensive, they've been imbued with the scents of what the elves love - leaf and wood is one. Another is "starlight" which I take smells of a cold, clear fall breeze. Then there's this earthy one which smell of some comforting spices - that's the one I'm going forTongue

    Oh, Mr. Urnot would love to receive some mail - he prides himself on having his "diamond-ringed finger on the pulse of the people" because then he can afford matching cufflinks. And he just loves "buzz" about his upcoming products - especially a release as controversial as this special DVD/BR. But his attitude his pretty much, "what are you whining about, no-one is forcing you to watch anything - it's capitalism at it's finest! And the American way - something for everyone!"

    Well, this is shameful to confess on the Internet - but, there was this guy who was re-building my Mom's patio deck - anyway I went to help her do some yard stuff and OMG. I mean he wasn't that tall but had this VOICE and these EYES and all this dark hair tied up with leather. Could route you the info except for some reason things keep breaking down he's needed to fix - trouble is, he and is crew seem to be really clever with tools and stuff. I mean I had to dump three cans of vegetable shortening mixed with rags down the disposal just to make sure that it was good and trashed, along with the sewer line. Thankfully that should keep him busy for a week.

    His crew thinks my mishaps are funny, so they should get a real laugh from the stuff I poured on the laminate flooring that caused it to bubble up and pretty much melt (some of it was the liquid foundation from the Illusion line, which makes you think......) So I'll get the contact info to you as soon as they finish repairing the floor. And the roof. And those mysterious gouges in the driveway.Evil


    Lurker in the Mirk
    Valinor


    Jun 5 2014, 1:51pm

    Post #16 of 21 (1394 views)
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    I imagine [In reply to] Can't Post


    Quote
    Another is "starlight" which I take smells of a cold, clear fall breeze

    As befitting the elvish elegance of this gem, its packaging design would look like this

    Starlight Parfum. Wear the essence of pure starlight, feel the unbearable lightness of being.


    Starlight Cologne (Pour Homme)



    Fan of both books and movies. Oh, and it seems I have severely misnamed myself... for the moment.

    Thranduil Appreciation: I, II, III, IV, V

    "BoFA"= The Battle || "BotFA"/"tBofTA" = The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies


    (This post was edited by Lurker in the Mirk on Jun 5 2014, 1:53pm)


    Lurker in the Mirk
    Valinor


    Jun 5 2014, 1:54pm

    Post #17 of 21 (1381 views)
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    I can't get over this one! [In reply to] Can't Post


    Quote
    Grishnák Farms - "Hobbit: The Other Manflesh!"

    If this was a contest, Darkstone ftw!




    Fan of both books and movies. Oh, and it seems I have severely misnamed myself... for the moment.

    Thranduil Appreciation: I, II, III, IV, V

    "BoFA"= The Battle || "BotFA"/"tBofTA" = The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies


    grammaboodawg
    Immortal


    Jun 7 2014, 12:48pm

    Post #18 of 21 (1334 views)
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    Took Travellers [In reply to] Can't Post

    Took Travellers: Satisfy that secret wander-lust with our discreet travel packets. North, South, East or West, we have the perfect travel package for any journey you dream of, near or far.



    6th draft of TH:AUJ Geeky Observation List - November 28, 2013
    4th draft of TH:DOS Geeky Observation List - May 15, 2014



    sample

    "There is more in you of good than you know, child of the kindly West."

    I'm SO HAPPY these new films take me back to that magical world!!



    TIME Google Calendar
    TORn's Geeky Observations Lists for LotR and The Hobbit


    Lurker in the Mirk
    Valinor


    Jun 8 2014, 2:26am

    Post #19 of 21 (1361 views)
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    Laketown Caskets: Barrels even Thorin's Company trust in a tight spot [In reply to] Can't Post

    Even sturdier than re-entry shuttle pods.

    Endorsement and live-demo by Bombur. (Bonus: BTS!)

    Available in standard sizes. Custom-orders welcome.


    Fan of both books and movies. Oh, and it seems I have severely misnamed myself... for the moment.

    Thranduil Appreciation: I, II, III, IV, V

    "BoFA"= The Battle || "BotFA"/"tBofTA" = The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies


    Bracegirdle
    Valinor


    Jun 8 2014, 4:38am

    Post #20 of 21 (1349 views)
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    Personal taste Lurker... [In reply to] Can't Post

    I prefer a Dwarf inner thigh sammich with gouda and mayo Cool

    **This space for hire***
    Contact Messrs, Grubb, Grubb, and Burrowes.
    Hole 17, Bywater Pool Road, Bywater,
    Westfarthing


    Lurker in the Mirk
    Valinor


    Jun 8 2014, 1:56pm

    Post #21 of 21 (1328 views)
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    Perfectly understandable, Bracegirdle [In reply to] Can't Post

    To each her own Smile


    Fan of both books and movies. Oh, and it seems I have severely misnamed myself... for the moment.

    Appreciating Thranduil, thread by thread: I, II, III, IV, V

    "BoFA"= The Battle || "BotFA"/"tBofTA" = The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

     
     

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