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thursday_next
The Shire
Apr 15 2014, 12:01am
Post #1 of 4
(835 views)
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The Paths Of The Dead part 2
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Can't Post
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Thursday Next here with more nonsense. Part 3 will be along in about two weeks.
‘I see shapes of men. And horses’ said Legolas. ‘I wonder why Isildur cursed the horses. He must have been in a really bad mood that day’
‘The very warmth of my blood seems stolen away’, said Gimli.
‘Pale banners like shreds of cloud. Spears rise like winter-thickets through a shroud of mist. The Dead are following. They have been summoned’, said Legolas.
‘Summoned? I knew that’ said Gimli. The mist surrounded him. He tried to fend it off, carrying out what appeared to be improvised tai chi gestures, but still the mist came back. He tried to huff and puff the mist away....
‘Gimli!’ said Aragorn. ‘Please stop acting like a stand-up comic. You‘re not funny. You’ve never been any good at being funny. Compared to you, the xenomorph from ‘Alien’ is hilarious. Be serious. You’re good at being serious. Being serious is your thing. What is the point of spending six hours in make-up if you come out acting like you’re completely looney tunes?’
‘Peter Jackson says I’m here to provide a touch of comedy, as well as being an implacable warrior from a feared if diminutive race’
‘Peter Jackson is now probably technically mad. All that praise has gone to his head. From now on, we’re on our own if we want this film to come to a satisfactory conclusion’ said Aragorn 'Keep a sharp eye out for screenwriters, all of you!’
Gimli nodded, and then promptly tripped over a skull and fell to the ground.
‘Mind that skull’ cried Halbarad, in that annoying way people do when it’s miles too late to influence what’s just happened.
‘I’m sorry, Aragorn’ said Gimli ‘I do appear to have been written that way’
‘In that case, I’m going to have to kill you’
‘No, Aragorn’ said Elrohir ‘Enough blood has been shed on his behalf...’
‘I never got the sense of that line the first time it happened’, said Aragorn. ‘You are right, Elrohir. The Paths of the Dead seem to be getting to me. It‘s the evil, I think. Sorry, Gimli’
The candles guttered and went out. It was silent, silent as the grave. The Company passed into what appeared to be a spacious hall. It was poorly lit on account of the total absence of light.
‘Who enters my domain?’ said a voice, deep and cold, that seemed to come out of the ground.
‘One who would have your allegiance’ said Aragorn.
‘The Dead do not suffer the living to pass. The way is shut. It was made by the Dead. The Dead keep it. The way is shut. Now you must die’
Elladan and Elrohir cast suspicious glances through the gloom at Legolas.
'I summon you to fulfill your oath! Unfurl the standard, so that all can see that the King of Gondor commands this!’, said Aragorn.
Halbarad and Elladan grappled with the banner. There was murmuring, a lot of things like ‘Over this way. To you. No, it has to be this way up.....’ and so forth.
And lo! Finally the standard was unfurled, and it was black, and if there was any device upon it, it was hidden in the darkness.
‘I can’t see a thing. You could try describing it to me’, said the King of the Dead.
‘How come we can’t see you? I thought long-dead people were fluorescent green’, said Halbarad.
There was an outbreak of hilarity all about him. The King of the Dead had to recover from a coughing fit before he could speak....
‘No. Guess again’
‘A very dark shade of grey, verging on black. And that’s why we can’t see you’, said Halbarad, resignedly.
‘There are actually fluorescent green alive people here in the mountain, but they’re three floors up. They were cursed by some previous king to remain alive, and they are, but they’re not at all well. We don’t speak to them because they’re boring’
Aragorn was starting to show his impatience. He drew his sword. Anduril sparkled in the gloom. ‘Can you see this? This is Anduril, Flame of the West, reforged from Narsil that cut the Ring from Sauron’s hand’
‘I can see that you have a sword, but beyond that it’s all a bit vague to me. Well done you for having a sword. I’ll bet that comes in handy from time to time’
‘I am Isildur’s heir, and I command you to fight!’
‘Who against?’
‘Sauron......again’
‘You do have problems with Sauron. Why didn’t you finish him off last time round?’
‘It’s complicated. Will you fight?’
‘Yes, OK’
‘So then, why all this stuff about “Now you must die”? It doesn’t make sense to me’
‘It’s in my contract with PJ. You do realise that no-one’s ever died in movie history after being told 'Now you must die’? It’s a bit of an empty threat. Don’t worry about it. Can we have the lanterns back up now?’
The hall seemed to glow with luminescent radiance after a short while. The Company looked around them, astonished. All around them were the Dead, spectral grey in ancient armour. Above them lay the walls of ghostly citadels, stretching impossibly high over their heads. There was a deep silence, which was eventually broken by Halbarad.
‘So.......what’s with all the skulls, then?’
‘You don’t like them?’, said the King of the Dead.
‘I’ve got nothing against skulls. I think it would be nice to have a matching array of them in some display case. A display case that’s not made out of skulls. Take this massive wall for instance. Now, I’m not a builder or anything like that, but even I can see that there are structural integrity problems with this wall that could easily put it into catastrophic failure mode. Pardon me for asking, but do you have anything at all that‘s not made out of skulls?’
‘Aaah..........no'
‘Really?’
‘Apart from the lanterns, that is. We extinguish them before we have visitors. The darkness gives them the willies, which is always good for a laugh. They’re made of fire, obviously’
‘Obviously?’ Halbarad scratched his head, perplexed ‘And these skulls, are they yours? Most of the Dead I see here have their own skulls, apart from this person, who doesn’t have much of anything....’
'That’s Ruil. Life as a wolf trainer was frequently short and full of violence, back in the days when we used to live outside. Wasn’t it, Ruil? No, these skulls are not ours. They were here before we came, and they’ll probably be here after we’ve gone. We see them more as a memento mori. That’s Latin for “remember you must die”’
‘You’re already dead!’, said Gimli.
‘Exactly. That‘s the point’
Aragorn said ‘My head’s starting to hurt now. Can we get on with it?’
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'The gorilla at the LA zoo
Snatched the glasses right off my face
Took the keys to my BMW
And left me here to take his place
I wish the ape a lot of success
I'm sorry my apartment's a mess
Most of all, I'm sorry that I made you blue
I'm betting the gorilla will too...'
'Gorilla, You're A Desperado'
Warren Zevon
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nandorin elf
Bree
Apr 15 2014, 12:09am
Post #2 of 4
(748 views)
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I was giggling the whole time. These are awesome.  I can't wait for the next one!
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BlackFox
Half-elven
Apr 15 2014, 7:29am
Post #3 of 4
(737 views)
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"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake." - Henry David Thoreau
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LOL
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