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thursday_next
The Shire
Apr 6 2014, 8:21pm
Post #1 of 9
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The Paths Of The Dead (part one)
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Hi everyone, Thursday Next here, with some more random nonsense. Part Two will happen when I've written it.
‘The Paths Of The Dead’ (part one)
‘The horses are quiet, and the men are nervous. What is this place?’ said Legolas.
Eomer and Theoden cast glances of discomfort at each other. Eventually Theoden spoke. 'This place is Dunharrow. Eorl the Young bought it from an old man who was about to move to Druadan Forest. The old man said that it was a ideal place for the King of the Mark to stand two thousand feet above where his army were assembled, should he wish to do that. As a sweetener, he threw in the Pukel-men’
'Eorl the Young had just won the field of Celebrant, and couldn’t resist. Nobody could gainsay him’, said Eomer. 'It does have it’s advantages, sort of...’
Theoden took his horn from his belt, and blew an almighty blast at the assembled host far below. ‘Forth Eorlingas!’ he cried. They listened. About twenty seconds later, there was the faint answering sound of two or three other horns.
'Mmm...’ said Gimli, who didn’t sound at all convinced.
'It works better when I have the bullhorn to shout through’, said Theoden. ‘The Riders of the Mark have got no idea what I’m saying, but they wave their spears about in a warlike manner, as far as I’m able to make out’
'The problem is we have to share a right-of-way with the Dead going into the Haunted Mountain’ said Eomer. 'It’s in the terms of the lease, which Eorl the Young forgot to read. The old man had been waiting for a naive and simplistic warrior culture to turn up, and we were it’
'It is said in Harrowdale that in the moonless nights but a little while ago a great host in strange array passed by. Whence they came none knew, but they went up the stony road and vanished into the hill, as if they went to keep a tryst. Reports speak of them being a particularly unpleasant shade of green...’ said Eowyn.
‘That’ll be the Dead, then’ said Halbarad. ‘Look, here’s Aragorn at last. Well, I think it’s Aragorn, but he seems to have become older all of a sudden’
Aragorn’s face was grim, grey-hued and weary. Many years had fallen on his head. Many more years had narrowly missed his head, and had settled on other parts of his body.
'Are you well, my lord?’ said Eowyn, somewhat alarmed.
'I have looked in the Stone of Orthanc’ said Aragorn. 'And if I read the signs correctly, it’s not all good news...’
'You have looked in that accursed stone of wizardry!’ said Gimli.
'It’s not an accursed stone of wizardry, as you call it, Gimli. You forget to whom you speak. It happens to be mine. I can do with it just as I want. It’s mine, I tell you. My own.....’ he cried. There was a short silence, during which people discovered much to interest them in the floor. ‘Well, anyway, to move on from that...’
‘I’m relieved that you didn’t go with Frodo to Mordor. You might well have been less of a help than a hindrance’, said Gimli, with some annoyance.
'Oh Gimli, forgive me. I am tired. It shall pass. King Theoden, I cannot go with you. Thanks to the base treachery of Umbar and Harad, a new force is heading for Gondor from the south. I will take the Paths of the Dead’
‘Right. Do you want the Rohirrim to come with you?’
Aragorn looked a little perplexed. ‘No.....No, you stick with the original plan.....and simply ride to Minas Tirith. As fast as possible’
‘Oh, that’s a relief. It would take ages for all my riders to get up here’, said Theoden.
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‘Alas, Aragorn my friend!’ said Eomer. ‘I had hoped that we might ride to war together; but if you seek the Paths of the Dead, then our parting is come, and it is little likely that we shall ever meet again under the Sun’
‘That road I shall take, nonetheless. But I say to you, Eomer, that in battle we may yet meet again, though all the hosts of Mordor should stand between’
‘Sorry about my sister. She is a shieldmaiden of the Mark, and I love her, but she’s also a right slapper....’
Aragorn winced in acknowledgment, and said: ‘Eowyn! Take off that pretend horse’s head. You’re not fooling anyone, you know....’
‘But I love you!’ exclaimed Eowyn.
‘It’s just a shadow and a thought that you love....’
‘That’ll do. I’m not expecting things to be perfect. Shall I always be left behind when the Riders depart, to mind the house while they win renown, and find food and beds when they return?’
‘Not necessarily. There’s also cleaning to be done, and washing-up that needs attending to....’
‘Eeeeeh!!!!’ Eowyn stomped off.
‘What did I say?’ said Aragorn.
‘I think you’ve said everything that needs saying’ said Eomer. ‘She’s trying to get off with one of your Rangers now. Eowyn’s always like this whenever we get men that are mighty and fair of countenance around’
‘Look after her. Farewell, my friend’
And so, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, the brethren Elladan and Elrohir, Halbarad and the Rangers of the North set out together to the Paths of the Dead. There was a short delay while Eowyn was removed. She was hanging on valiantly to the Ranger’s moleskin breeches and it took three men to get her grip off, but eventually the deed was done, and she went off grumbling about heroism and renown.
In front of them lay the threatening reaches of the Dimholt.
What kind of an army would linger in such a place? said Gimli.
‘One that is cursed. Long ago, the Men of the Mountain swore an oath to the last King of Gondor, to come to his aid, to fight. But when the time came, when Gondor’s need was dire, they fled, vanishing into the darkness of the mountain. And so Isildur cursed them, never to rest until they had fulfilled their pledge....’
‘Legolas, please stop...’ said Aragorn. ‘I think we’re tense enough without all these weird camera angles’
‘Oh, sorry. I get kind of carried away’ said Legolas.
‘And how come you know all this stuff, anyway? The bit about me being the rightful king of Gondor? That was meant to be a closely-guarded secret! Crebain from Dunland? You’ve never been to Dunland!’
‘Yes, I have...’
‘When?’
‘er.....on a school exchange visit’
‘When you’re in a hole, just stop digging, Legolas’
‘What do you want me to say? They give me these lines, and I have no choice but to say them. Believe me, it’s about to get a lot worse, according to a copy of the script that Philippa left around’
‘It’s sensible to stick with Tolkien, that’s what I always say’, said Halbarad.
‘Yes’, said Elladan and Elrohir.
‘Yes’, said Glorfindel.
The whole company stared at each other in puzzlement for a moment. ‘How did that happen?’ said Gimli.
‘Here’s the secret door. It’s carved in ancient runes, which I can’t understand’ said Aragorn. ‘Over to you, Legolas, fount of all knowledge...’
‘This is where my ‘Ancient Runes And How To Read Them’ course that I did at the Elven University of Northern Mirkwood pays off’ said Legolas.
‘Enough already. What do these particular runes say?’
Legolas squinted at the runes.
‘The octopus is shut. It was made by the thad, and the thad keep it. The octopus is shut’
‘We’d better keep a good eye open for the octopus and the thad, whatever that is’ said Aragorn. ‘They’ve left the door open. There’s a miasma of evil coming out of it, wouldn’t you say?’
‘There’s a pretty fair amount of evil coming out of it’ said Elladan ‘I think it would be just to describe it as a miasma’
‘I don’t want to go in there’, said Gimli.
‘So much for the stubbornness of dwarves’, said Legolas. ‘At the first sign of a miasma of evil, they’re off....’
Gimli made a face at him behind his back.
‘This is an evil door’ Halbarad said ‘My death lies beyond it...’
‘In a strict sense, everyone’s death lies beyond it’ said Aragorn ‘But I know what you mean’
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'But ere long it escaped our skill, and we dared not continue the hunt; for we were drawing nigh to Dol Guldur, and that is still a very evil place; we do not go that way'
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BlackFox
Half-elven
Apr 6 2014, 8:45pm
Post #2 of 9
(339 views)
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Thanks for a good dose of laughter! :D //
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"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake." - Henry David Thoreau
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Meneldor
Valinor
Apr 6 2014, 9:19pm
Post #3 of 9
(343 views)
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No respect at all for the master!
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But it is funny.
They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters; These see the works of the Lord, and His wonders in the deep.
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Ethel Duath
Half-elven
Apr 7 2014, 1:22am
Post #4 of 9
(341 views)
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Ohmyohmyohmy.
"‘The octopus is shut. It was made by the thad, and the thad keep it. The octopus is shut’" Sounds like Google Translate . . .
(This post was edited by Ethel Duath on Apr 7 2014, 1:22am)
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Ethel Duath
Half-elven
Apr 7 2014, 1:44am
Post #6 of 9
(346 views)
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Is that something you've tried?
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thursday_next
The Shire
Apr 7 2014, 1:26pm
Post #8 of 9
(310 views)
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Thanks for the comments... :-)
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I had a lot of problems with this, and it took ages of staring at the screen and re-editing. I'm glad that it got there at last....
I have some great ideas for Part 2. Oh yes. It should be about two weeks....
'But ere long it escaped our skill, and we dared not continue the hunt; for we were drawing nigh to Dol Guldur, and that is still a very evil place; we do not go that way'
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nandorin elf
Bree
Apr 7 2014, 7:44pm
Post #9 of 9
(371 views)
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That was absolutely hilarious! I can't stop laughing. Poor Leggy, it seems he's as clueless about runes as he is about directions.
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