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Avandel
Half-elven
Feb 27 2014, 2:46am
Post #1 of 17
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Thorin returns to Wellington to seek missing nephew - follow- up "article"
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Those pesky elves have gotten my beloved mountain King really upset this time
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THORIN RETURNS TO WELLINGTON AS HEIR GOES MISSING (WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND)
As previously reported this week, the complete rout of an entire orc army by a large group of “Heirs of Durin” fans on set during the filming of a battle sequence for the third installment of Peter Jackson’s adaptation of the Hobbit had ended peacefully. The well-armed, leather-clad international fans, calling themselves “Thorin Thralls” had responded with impassioned enthusiasm to the leadership of their fiery dwarf king Thorin Oakenshield (Richard Armitage) and were subsequently hired by Sir Peter Jackson as extras for the film, who later stated “the fighting skills, rabid loyalty, and relentless determination of the “Thralls” has escalated the caliber of the battle sequences and sets an example for the entire cast. I’m already adding more shelving in my den – I smell more Oscars, definitely.”
“Of course, there’s the small problem in that from time to time a wind machine will blow Thorin’s hair a certain way, or he’ll have an epic line (and there’s lots of those) or even look directly at one of the “Thralls”, and you’ll get some collateral damage when the “Thrall” passes out. But since it’s a battle scene we’ll just leave them lying there, and it will add a lot to the integrity of the moment. We’ll CGI in some arrows or something later. I refuse to hold back on Richard’s performance.”
Subsequently many of the armed “Thralls” had happily attached themselves as aides-de-camp to the dwarf cast, while another group had whisked Thorin Oakenshield off to the multi-million dollar yacht, the Seven Seas, insisting that “after suffering the incredibly insulting indignities in Mirkwood and Laketown from these *censored* humans and those *censored censored censored * elves that the Lord of Silver Fountains deserved to be able to majestically brood in complete comfort. Preferably with Dom Perignon, grapes, Belgian chocolates and designer sheets, along with herbal sea salt foot massages.”
“And of course, (after some particularly ferocious infighting for the privilege) there’s the elite team of “Thralls” to look after His Majesty’s hair – they hold bi-hourly meetings over the care of the best hair in Middle Earth. It’s a huge responsibility but one they are very proud of.”
But this peaceful interlude was not to last. Ominous rumors have already surfaced in Wellington, warning of an influx of another international fan group, the self-styled “Thranduil Thralls” to the strained Hobbit set. Reportedly there have been sightings of what has been described as “tall thin white people with long hair” engaging in spectacular acrobatics across rooftops in the town. Witnesses have claimed they were “not able to tell if these were males or females, but they seem to all be carrying bows and move incredibly fast. And they seem to be too attractive to be ETs.”
“Our filming schedule has gone to hell at the moment….no, we can’t pick up with the orcs just yet. They’re still getting group therapy to bolster their sense of manliness after getting beat down by a bunch of girls – I think they are off on a field trip to Strath Taieri to shoot paintballs or something, and anyway no-one’s seen Manu Bennett since that “Thorin Thrall” took him out for drinks – though receipts from Blanket Bay luxury lodge have been showing up…I know that place is expensive but are you really going to argue with Azog?” a harassed looking Peter Jackson hung up on an unknown caller. Today the famed director was closeted in an emergency meeting that had been called when it was determined that Fili (a dwarf character played by actor Dean O’Gorman, and older nephew to Thorin Oakenshield) had gone missing during the night.
“We think it was a mistake,” explained Graham McTavish as an athletic woman in a black leather catsuit and wickedly spiked heels finished buckling the axe sheathes of his Dwalin costume. “We think the hotel registration got the names mixed up, Fili and Kili, you know? Happens all the time – even Thorin, when we did that stormy mountain scene…and Peter, you can’t keep them straight...” Mr. McTavish coughed as Peter Jackson looked at him meaningfully *how fast they forget who signs their checks*. “Well, anyway, Fili – I mean Kili – I mean Aidan Turner – well, he decided Ori (a young dwarf of the Company played by Adam Brown) needed a “dwarf night” on the town, and they were all partying with the “Thralls” in the hotel. But then Ori, you know, he’s not used to that much ale, so Aidan got the “Thralls” together to get some clothes back on Ori and get him home. But when Kili – Aidan, I mean – got back, Fili – I mean Dean – was missing. Except on the wall was painted in bubble gum pink glitter nail polish “The Daggers of Tauriel” and this symbol – it’s a star with a tear. Or maybe it’s just blobby writing, we’re not sure”.
“That’s just so romantic and adds so much narrative depth!” cried a misty-eyed Phillipa Boyens, typing frantically on her iPad. Anyone know if there’s a copyright on that? We can get T-shirts done up and make a bundle on the ‘tween market – star-crossed hopeless love always sells. Maybe even Pez dispensers and bubble bath – we’ll call it “Forbidden Starlove” and it’ll have a cotton candy scent.” In a corner Graham McTavish gripped his axe tightly and narrowed his eyes at the thought of a dwarf/elf liaison, while a well-built “Thrall” in a laced chain bustier massaged his shoulders to calm him.
Peter Jackson glared at his colleague. “Absolutely not (but memo that – we’re going to need extra funds to pick up the therapy bills for the orcs)” he said. Peter Jackson turned to face the cameras and cleared his throat. “There will be an official statement later, but as of this moment it appears that a lovesick faction of the so-called “Thranduil Thralls” calling themselves the “Daggers of Tauriel” have mistakenly absconded with our Kili – I mean Fili. Sir Jackson sighed dramatically. “I hate to give away a major plot point, but given the seriousness of the situation…but we’re not even sure it WAS a mistake. Like the “Thorin Thralls, it’s possible that a group – or this subgroup of overzealous fans or cosplayers called the “Daggers of Tauriel” – is actually acting out parts of the third Hobbit film. To wit, it is revealed in the third movie that the wood elf Tauriel fell desperately in love with Fili from the moment she saw his sparkling cornflower blue eyes, thick golden hair, and multiple blades. The character Tauriel was trying to impress Fili through the “Desolation of Smaug” both by saving his brother and simultaneously using Kili as a distraction.
“You didn’t think we’d create a female character that was stupid, do you?” Philippa Boyens stated smugly. “Tauriel is the total woman [elf] - pretty, kind, athletic, charming, poetic, spiritual, flawless skin and hair, can consume entire truckloads of fettuccine Alfredo without gaining a pound, never needs to tweeze her eyebrows, always smells good no matter how much hopping around she does (at this point Ms. Boyens was somewhat drowned out by the sound of “Thorin Thralls” retching in a corner) and,” Ms. Boyens raised her voice slightly, “Tauriel is, of course, highly intelligent. If she can’t have Leglolas, nothing wrong with hooking up with another heir to a kingdom. And as Queen of Erebor she’ll get control of the white gems, and be able to lord it over King Thranduil who was so patronizing to her. Girl power, you see. Plus no other royal couple in Middle Earth will have a room with gold flooring, it’s a complete trend setter.”
Sir Peter Jackson grimaced in exasperation. “At the same time, I’ve got Disney suing me, claiming that I stole the “patented POTC Jack Sparrow look when we put so much guyliner on Legolas, and also stole Will Turner’s look with Luke Evans’ character Bard”. It’s frivolous, really, because Legolas’ face was completely CGI’d – you don’t think Orlando Bloom really has a face like that, do you? And as far as Bard, every historical documentary and white trailer trash series for the last twenty years has characters with tied back fake mullet hairstyles. Disney’s just hoping to recoup some losses after the Lone Ranger debacle – the fact that Bard is a dead ringer for Will Turner is a complete, albeit weird, coincidence. But the judge has demanded to see both actors up close and personal in her private chambers before making a ruling. Her aide said Her Honor will have to spend many hours with Orly and Luke to make sure her ruling is completely fair and to the letter of New Zealand law.”
“But,” Peter Jackson said, relaxing slightly, “The good news is that Ken Stott, who plays Thorin Oakenshield’s wise counselor Balin, was finally able to persuade the more protective of the “Thorin Thralls” to give up the hidden location of the Seven Seas, and Thorin Oakenshield – I mean Richard Armitage - is returning to Wellington this morning, determined to rescue Kili – I mean Fili – from the grip of these “Daggers of Tauriel.” He rubbed his hands together enthusiastically as Graham McTavish and the surrounding Thralls rattled their various weapons and sotto voce comments *Du Bekar* *kick some elf butt* *for the Heirs of Durin* floated through the room. “Actually, since the bean counters at Warner Brothers are always fussing about the budget, this will work out great – we’ve set up the cameras at strategic location points throughout Wellington and other locations. That way we’ll be able to tape any clashes between the “Thorin Thralls” and the “Thranduil Thralls” – we’re sure there will be some, since we still haven’t been able to track down Lee Pace, who as Thranduil and King of the Woodland Elves might be able to control the “Thranduil Thralls”. For d@mn sure they won’t listen to Legolas and he’s tied up in court anyway. Should be plenty of epic dwarf-elf clashes – you can’t pay for this kind of [feminine] energy, it has to flow spontaneously! Plus WB is loving the free publicity.”
Reporters were able to briefly speak with Richard Armitage (who plays the stunning warrior king Thorin Oakenshield in the Hobbit films) at Wellington Harbor as he left the Seven Seas yacht, determinedly surrounded by a great number of grim-faced “Thorin Thralls” (some seemed to be channeling something of Keira Knightly from the movie King Arthur with the exception of being more fully endowed and wearing heavy dwarven boots). The assembled reporters questioned why Mr. Armitage had returned to Wellington in full Thorin Oakenshield costume after several mysterious days at sea. “I always maintain character,” Mr. Armitage intoned majestically, beautifully conditioned espresso hair shimmering in the sunlight and flowing about his broad shoulders. “Especially the boots. And the King Under the Mountain doesn’t go around wearing cutoffs and flip-flops. But life as Thorin has gotten a lot easier since my “Thralls” turned up.”
He gave a nod of approval to the “Thrall” dressed in plate armor who was polishing the great sword Orcrist, while another “Thrall” in studded leather stood closely by with the Thorin character’s iconic fur-collared leather robe draped in her arms, gently smoothing the pelt. A “Thrall” clad in royal blue embroidered heavy silk gently patted the silvery beads of perspiration from Thorin’s née Mr. Armitage’s forehead with a microfiber cooling towel, but promptly began to sink to the dock at his quick smile. Two more “Thralls” smoothly stepped forward to prop up their colleague before she hit the splintered boards of the dock.
A frowning “Thrall” sporting two crossed katana swords strapped to her back addressed the reporters as Thorin née Mr. Armitage began to gaze majestically over the harbor, causing the surrounding Thralls to sigh in unison (which resulted in a small sailboat overturning from the force of the breeze generated). “As such, you will address His Majesty as His Majesty, the Lord of Silver Fountains, the King of Carven Stone, the King Beneath the Mountain, the Lion of Erebor, the High King of the Dwarves, the True Treasure of Erebor, the Face that Launched 10,000 Sighs, or Thorin the Majestic. You will never mention Azog in his presence. You will not interrupt while His Majesty is speaking, especially during any and all magnificent epic speeches. You will not interrupt His Majesty’s brooding. And most certainly none of you are to ever touch or even breathe near His Majesty’s hair, which is completely protected by a company of our most elite fighters.”
His Majesty née Thorin Oakenshield turned from his brooding to the reporters, causing another round of deep sighs that blew over the table umbrellas at a nearby outdoor café as his wavy dark hair swung gently about his face. His topaz-blue eyes fiercely surveyed the crowd. “Obviously myself and my Company of Dwarves, now reinforced with legions of loyal “Thralls” (*unlike the other loser dwarves who couldn’t even be bothered – just wait until they see my golden floor…and don’t even bring up that elf-loving no-show Gandalf, I’ll never listen to some wizard again...*) will not rest until our Fili has been recovered, and there will be no mercy for those that took him. These *censored* elves will not prevail against the ultimate weapon – the talent and overall cuteness and cleverness of my Hobbit, Mr. Bilbo Baggins, and as it so happens our Company will be dining with Mr. Baggins this evening. Let those who took Fili, rue this day!”
Reporters wanted to ask more questions, including as to Thorin Oakenshield’s activities over the last several days aboard a yacht accompanied by a large group of exotically dressed women, but were drowned out by a flood of cheering “Du Bekar!” “Baruk Khazâd" “For Fili!” "Khazâd ai-mênu!” “For the Prince!”
One of the trailing “Thralls” was able to be questioned, but as expected details were not forthcoming from the fiercely loyal “Thrall”. “What happens on the Seven Seas, stays on the Seven Seas”, glared the heavily armored “Thrall” as she snapped together what appeared to be a ceramic curling iron whose jaws had been sharpened to knife-like points. “But His Majesty was disturbed from a relaxing sandalwood bath and a reading of 101 Ways to Decorate With Gold when the terrible news of Fili’s abduction arrived.” Her angry glare softened with memory “So when Thorin stood up and all his hair was fluffy from the humidity and that luminous skin was all flushed with the water beading…*cough*, well a lot of us just keeled over. We would have docked sooner, but enough of us had to revive to crew the ship to get back into harbor.”
“However”, she said, eyes going fierce again, “His Majesticness, which burns far more brightly than any cursed dragonfire, will bring the same determination to hunting down the elves that took Fili as he has in the search for the Arkenstone. And of course we “Thralls” have a huge skill set, which happens to include animal trainers who can bring in trained eagles AND ravens to help save the day. Plus we have the Hobbit.” (Reuters).
(This post was edited by dernwyn on Feb 27 2014, 5:19pm)
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Kim
Valinor
Feb 27 2014, 3:40am
Post #2 of 17
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knows no bounds! What will happen next? Will Thorin find Kili I mean Fili? Will Dwalin get anymore good snacks? Will Thorin's hair remain majestic throughout the search (wait, stupid question, of course it will, especially with so many to tend to it.)
“Of course, there’s the small problem in that from time to time a wind machine will blow Thorin’s hair a certain way, or he’ll have an epic line (and there’s lots of those) or even look directly at one of the “Thralls”, and you’ll get some collateral damage when the “Thrall” passes out. But since it’s a battle scene we’ll just leave them lying there, and it will add a lot to the integrity of the moment. We’ll CGI in some arrows or something later. I refuse to hold back on Richard’s performance.”
Awesome!
“As such, you will address His Majesty as His Majesty, the Lord of Silver Fountains, the King of Carven Stone, the King Beneath the Mountain, the Lion of Erebor, the High King of the Dwarves, the True Treasure of Erebor, the Face that Launched 10,000 Sighs, or Thorin the Majestic..."
Wait, I think this needs to be my new signature.
Thanks for the entertainment!
P.S. For the next installment, could you fix the width of the post? This one is twice as wide as a normal post, which makes it kind of hard to read and respond to. Thanks!
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Elarie
Grey Havens
Feb 27 2014, 4:51pm
Post #3 of 17
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This is so great - fantastic job!
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dernwyn
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Feb 27 2014, 5:39pm
Post #4 of 17
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Who would have thought? How dastardly! What must he be enduring at this moment?
Oh gosh, this is great! I can just imagine the T-shirts... 
p.s. I've reduced the line of asterisks, apparently that was what was causing the formatting problem. I'll do the same with the other post below.
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"I desired dragons with a profound desire"
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Avandel
Half-elven
Feb 27 2014, 8:17pm
Post #5 of 17
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hate to make more efforts for any of the mods - and I was about to look into the horrors of html tags to see if that was what the issue was. THANK YOU!!!!
Think there will be a final report fairly soon (which hopefully won't have any format problems  ), as things seem to be reaching a crisis point in Wellington - for one thing, the Auckland NZ zoo has been getting calls about what is described as a "gigantic moose" roaming through city streets. Also, personally I want to know how Thorin evidently re-acquired Orcrist, how long the judge is going to depose Luke Evans and Orlando Bloom in her private chambers, and whether or not "Forbidden Starlove" bubble bath will be sold at Walmart or not.
Most of all, what have the Daggers of Tauriel done with Fili (though I think it will be OK, since Dean O'Gorman knows martial arts, and like his uncle as an irresistible smile and great hair).
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Avandel
Half-elven
Feb 27 2014, 9:25pm
Post #6 of 17
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Thorin's hair is of course, inviolate
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As we Thralls know so well, wet or dry, smooth and glossy at dinner or fluffy with icky Mirkwood humidity and spider webs, Thorin's hair is ALWAYS epically majestic. Dare I say godlike, even? Like Thorin's voice, it is almost a character in its own right.
Though it sounds impossible, I did get a quick e-mail from one of the "Hair Thralls" and she says that the argan oil dry mist they're using combined with the sea air has resulted in His Majesty's locks becoming even more thick and glossy. She says it's tough being one of his Majesty's Hair Thralls because your hands tremble so much from the wonder of it all, but they've learned to keep small bottles of oxygen close by to breathe from which has helped enormously. They've worked overtime to deal with the dryness from the dragonfire, but the deep conditioning treatments have done wonders.
Also she says while His Majesty is not known for his patience, he's remarkably kind with his Thralls - as he cherishes their fighting skills and compete loyalty. The biggest problem is the infighting over who gets to stand the closest to him and several nasty cat fights have had to be broken up. However, His Majesty feels that while sparring over him is good training, that our energy reserves should be saved for the [bleep] elves who have absconded with his nephew.
PS. You can talk to me about panoramic vistas, the spectacularness of Smaug, and all that, but I say Thorin is the most gorgeous thing to look at in Middle Earth. Including the hair.
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dernwyn
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Feb 28 2014, 12:48am
Post #7 of 17
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That can mean only one thing - that the Master of Magnificent Elven-sass has arrived on the scene!
And checking out the format of a post is usually quite easy to do, no problem at all. 
Now, I've got to get back to the Anglophile Channel and their twitter feed, there's a bit of a 'do going on...
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"I desired dragons with a profound desire"
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Kim
Valinor
Feb 28 2014, 2:51am
Post #10 of 17
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Has anyone told Roheryn about this?
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I'm thinking she'll want to be present for the epic confrontation of #majesty vs sass!
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Kim
Valinor
Feb 28 2014, 2:56am
Post #11 of 17
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Dangit, I should have gotten tickets for the party this year!
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Elanor of Rohan
Lorien
Feb 28 2014, 3:49pm
Post #12 of 17
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[To wit, it is revealed in the third movie that the wood elf Tauriel fell desperately in love with Fili from the moment she saw his sparkling cornflower blue eyes, thick golden hair, and multiple blades.
I could not have written a more loving description of Fili myself... 
I'm eagerly waiting for the follow-up (moose/megaloceros included)
Yours is by far the funniest fan fic I have read, you are amazing!!
(This post was edited by Elanor of Rohan on Feb 28 2014, 3:49pm)
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Avandel
Half-elven
Feb 28 2014, 7:07pm
Post #13 of 17
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well, I haven't! - tracking another emergency at the Wellington airport!!!!
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I've been too busy following a story where it seems an entire herd of prize pigs being flown by Peter Jackson into Wellington got loose on the plane during a turbulent landing. Evidently when they opened the door to the plane the agitated swine burst into the terminal, and are wreaking havoc throughout the entire airport. Early reports from a badly shaken witness indicate that these animals are quote "huge, they are all prize winners from Midwestern U.S. state fairs, yah know? Great huge hairy things and I didn't even know pigs HAD teeth like that - like a mastodon or something." Another witness e-mails "Ye Gawds, the smell alone took all the paint off the walls and melted all the lovely Hobbit sculptures - the entire airport has been evacuated until they can get some New Zealand farmers in there to round them up."
In a preliminary statement, Sir Peter Jackson states "the animal rights folks have got nothing to say, the pigs were all flown in first class, and when (and if) we catch them, they will all be cared for at the 5-star Sofitel Queenstown Hotel and Spa. WETA of course will replace all the sculptures. Folks just have to be patient, as pigs are fast buggers when they get going and it's going to take a while to ventilate the place - but we're bringing in wind machines from the studio to help out. And hopefully folks got travel insurance on their luggage, which admittedly is a write-off at this point."
PS. Think the Anglophile award is awesome and think that show is already far more interesting than the snooze-fest Oscars which I haven't paid attention to in years. And RA is adorable, tho it's a mystery how he is able to get back and forth from Wellington to LA so fast. Possibly the mysterious Blue Wizards have a hand in this?
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Werde Spinner
Rohan
Mar 1 2014, 7:16pm
Post #14 of 17
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Oh, no, poor Fili! I mean, Dean O'Gorman! We must hurry and rescue him... although I don't suppose he'll be treated *too* badly.
Gotta show this to the Armitage Army members in my family!!!!
"I had forgotten that. It is hard to be sure of anything among so many marvels. The world is all grown strange. Elf and Dwarf in company walk in our daily fields; and folk speak with the Lady of the Wood and yet live; and the Sword comes back to war that was broken in the long ages ere the fathers of our fathers rode into the Mark! How shall a man judge what to do in such times?"
"As he ever has judged. Good and ill have not changed since yesteryear; nor are they one thing among Elves and Dwarves and another among Men. It is a man's part to discern them, as much in the Golden Wood as in his own house."
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Dwarewien
Rohan
Mar 1 2014, 11:39pm
Post #15 of 17
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I'm the Queen of Erebor, not Tauriel...
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do you want me to take her out for you? And she can have Kili, I'm more concerned about Thorin (Kili's a little too young for my tastes, anyways). I'm not sure about any of you, but I would love to be one of the "Thralls" that attends to Thorin's hair. Having a similar hairstyle myself, I think I know how to manage it.
This article had me roaring with laughter most of the time, so your creativity never ceases to amaze me (to quote Balin about the courage of Hobbits). I was even fooled when I first read one of these, because I thought it was the real thing (that's the problem with being so open minded sometimes, you can be quite gullable, but it's better than the alternative).
Far over the Misty Mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away, ere break of day
To find our long-forgotten gold.
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dernwyn
Forum Admin
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Mar 2 2014, 4:47am
Post #16 of 17
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Well, they did head East...and if you go East far enough from the Grey Havens, you do end up in the general vicinity of the Pacific islands...you don't suppose they took a cue from the Eagles, and started their own exclusive airline? That might explain being able to travel between NZ and other places quite quickly!
"...the smell alone..." LOL, I know what a pig farm smells like! So now we know Dain's secret weapon: eau du porc!
(Yes, I'm looking forward to seeing the full Anglophile Award video, it should be a hoot! I keep hoping that he and some of the others will crash the TORn party...)
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"I desired dragons with a profound desire"
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