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The Wobbit A Parody (second half)

Paul Erickson
The Shire

Jun 25 2010, 5:42pm

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The Wobbit A Parody (second half) Can't Post

Part 9- Terror In Murkywood (from The Wobbit)

(While making a seemingly endless march through Murkywood, Bulbo and the dwarves find their path blocked by an enchanted river, its current as strong and black as convenience-store espresso. To make matters worse, Fatso the dwarf has just fallen in, and is now under its spell!)


“Let’s bury Fatso and get moving,” said Borin.

“But he’s still alive,” said Bulbo.

“What?”

“He’s still breathing,” said Bulbo. “He’s just unconscious. It must be some sort of sleeping magic from the river. That’s why Bjork told us not to drink its water.” Bulbo was right: the river had a magic about it that put all who touched it into a deep sleep, in a way very much unlike espresso.

“Okay,” said Borin. “Wake him up then.”

“How?” said Crawlin. “Splash water in his face? We pulled him out of a river!”

“Why do I have to think of everything?” Borin kicked Fatso in his fleshy ribs a few times, but the dwarf didn’t respond. He tried poking him with a stick.

“I still say we bury him,” he said.

“Borin, he’s not dead!” said Bulbo.

“Then let’s leave him here until he wakes up,” said Borin. “He’ll be fully refreshed and able to catch up with us on his own. He can move pretty quick for a big guy.”

“I can’t believe this!” said Bulbo, who had been treated kindly by Fatso in the past. “We’ve got to take him with us. We’ll take turns dragging him.”

And drag him they did, a difficult task made even worse by the dopey smile on Fatso’s sleeping face. They had never seen him so happy.

They dragged Fatso for days, at first by his feet until Bulbo complained, and then by his collar. The good news was that with Fatso asleep all the time, the food consumption had dropped considerably. But there was very little left all the same.

The forest remained dim and thick, much like Tori and Rori. The only change of pace was a mysterious laughing and singing they heard in the distance. Since the dwarves weren’t being attacked, they figured the singing wasn’t from goblins. They listened hard, but couldn’t catch any of the lyrics.

After a few more days of endless marching, they ate the last of their bread and honey. There was some talk of eating Fatso, but when they put it to a vote, the decision was to save him for later. Then Fatso woke up, to the relief of some and the hungry disappointment of others.

“Where’s all the food?” he said as he sat up, rubbing his eyes. “I dreamed I was at an elvish buffet and open bar.”

“The food’s all gone,” said Borin.

“No food at all?” said Fatso. “But I’m starving, really!”

“We’re all starving, Fatso. Literally. If we keep marching, some of us may make it out of this forest alive. Nourished, if necessary, by whoever dies first. And by the way, you’re welcome. We’ve spent the last week dragging you as you slept. Now march!”

At that very moment, Falin, who was a little way ahead, called out “Hey! I saw a twinkle of light in the forest!”

“I saw it first!” said Deali.

They all looked and soon saw dozens of torchlights in the distant trees, a good way off the path.

“My dream has come true!” said Fatso. “Bonfires! Buffet! Open bar! Me first!” And with that, he ran off into the forest.

“Hooray!” yelled the others. They followed, without even a moment’s reflection on the warnings from Bjork.

Bulbo was deeply concerned about how things were likely to turn out, but did not want to be left behind alone, so he ran with the others.

They all approached a clearing that had been nicely decorated with tiki torches, balloons and streamers. There, enjoying a cheerful cookout, were elves. Elves singing, elves cooking ribs, elves eating pretzels, elves playing horseshoes, elves drinking beer. The smell of barbecue was too much for the dwarves, and they burst into the clearing.

With that, the tiki torches, bonfire and barbecue grills all went out, extinguished as if by magic. The lawn chairs, badminton nets, and hot dogs all vanished, and so did the elves.

It instantly became so completely dark that Bulbo could not find any of the dwarves. Even the Buddy System failed them. Everyone had run off following the sound of everyone else’s voice. Bulbo was left all alone.

That was one of his most miserable moments of the adventure. There were many to choose from, and Bulbo was not even halfway through it. He decided to try to sleep until dawn, when it would be light enough to see a little.

He was dreaming of pouring a little extra cream into his coffee when he felt something touch his wrist. He woke and saw that it wasn’t Fatso. It was a strong, sticky string. He tried to get up, but he discovered that his feet were wrapped in the same stuff. It was like the giant spider webs that they’d seen throughout Murkywood. This silk was spun by a giant spider that wasn’t trying to catch a fly—she was trying to catch Bulbo!

There she was! A great, ugly spider that had left her web-spinning and was coming towards Bulbo out of the darkness! To his horror, she spoke to him.

“Salutations!” she said in a warm, gentle, feminine voice.

“Salu-what?” said Bulbo, a little confused as well as terrified.

“Salutations!” she said again. “That’s just my fancy way of saying hello.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to wrap you in silk so you can’t move. Then I’m going to poison you with my bite. That way it won’t hurt you so much when I suck out all your blood!”

“You’re going to kill me?”

“I’m afraid so. I’m not entirely happy about my diet of goblins and elves, but that’s the way I’m made. So it’s been with my mother and all her mothers before her, all the way back long ago to the quiet of the world. Now, try to make yourself comfortable while I—”

Bulbo appreciated the spider’s gentle, reassuring manner, but he really didn’t want to be eaten. He flailed furiously with his arms in true Dork fashion as she tried to finish her job of wrapping him.


Thanks for reading! Please reply with some comments! If you want to read more about Bulbo’s adventures and look at some excellent drawings, visit my website: http://www.TheWobbitAParody.com

Visit my website to see art and excerpts from my full-scale parody of The Hobbit at www.TheWobbitAParody.com


Leviathan's Bane
Rivendell


Jun 26 2010, 6:15pm

Post #2 of 4 (566 views)
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Haha...very Python! {nt} [In reply to] Can't Post

 


"So knights are mythical!" said the younger and less experienced dragons. "We always thought so."

- J.R.R. Tolkien, "Farmer Giles of Ham"


Paul Erickson
The Shire

Jun 27 2010, 12:18am

Post #3 of 4 (1180 views)
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Python is good! [In reply to] Can't Post

Thanks, LB!

There's lots more from The Wobbit at my website: excerpts from the first eight chapters, drawings, and desperate pleadings for comments. Stop by and sign the guestbook!

Have a great weekend.

Visit my website to see art and excerpts from my full-scale parody of The Hobbit at www.TheWobbitAParody.com


Paul Erickson
The Shire

Jul 3 2010, 4:51am

Post #4 of 4 (1646 views)
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Part 10- A Perilous Escape (from The Wobbit) [In reply to] Can't Post

 

(Borin & Company have escaped the spiders, only to be captured again, this time by the wood-elves. Bublo has only one chance to lead an escape with the dwarves, but will any of them survive?)


The dwarves found thirteen empty beer barrels that they awkwardly climbed into, and Bulbo prepared to hammer a lid onto each one.

“Wait! How will we breath in these things?” Borin asked. “There won’t be enough air! We’ll suffocate!”

“There are more than enough cracks and loose seams in these barrels to allow air in,” said Bulbo.

“What will keep water from leaking in and drowning us?” asked Fallin.

“I’m pretty sure these barrels are all water-tight,” said Bulbo.

“But that makes no—” said Borin, when Groin interrupted. “We could be in those barrels for days!” he said. “We’ll die of thirst!”

“Just drink a lot of water before I hammer the lids on,” said Bulbo.

“Are you crazy?” said Fallin. “I’ve got a hyperactive bladder! What am I supposed to do?”

“These are all excellent questions,” said Bulbo. “I’m sure that if you all apply come common sense on a case-by-case basis, you’ll—”

“And who will let us out of the barrels?” asked Loin.

“No time to talk!” he said as he hammered. “Let’s try to use some positive mental imaging and remain hopeful. I’ll see you all soon!” With that, he pounded the last lid into place. Then he put on his ring.

It had not been a moment too soon. A number of elves come to the loading dock. They had already been enjoying Elf-Toberfest, so they were drunk and, predictably, singing.

“Oh, so what else is new, eh?” they said. “We have to interrupt our drinking to get more beer, and here we find the butler, drunker than we are! What do we do now?”

Even drunk, they soon figured out that the barrels to be taken up to the barbecue were behind the “empty” barrels with the dwarves in them. The easiest thing to do was to push the empties out of the way and into the river.

“These empty barrels sure are heavy,” one said. “Should we be dumping them? What if the butler gets in trouble?”

“Who cares!” said another. “Serves him right! If he doesn’t want a bad performance review, he should cut back the amount of drinking he does while on duty, eh? Maybe some singing will wake him up, and the captain, too.” So they sang:

Roll, roll, roll away
Gently down the stream
Merrily roll barrels off of the dock
While the butler dreams

The barrels went into the water, and from there they drifted to the portcullis. It was at this moment that Bulbo discovered yet another weak point in his faulty plan. Most likely you saw it some time ago and have been laughing at him. Or at least smiling smugly to yourself.

The problem with Bulbo’s plan was that he was not in a barrel. How would he stay with the dwarves as they floated downriver? Who would let them out of the barrels? The dwarves would be trapped for who knows how long, to die horrible deaths by suffocation, drowning, or dehydration, or perhaps all three at once.

“More importantly,” thought Bulbo, “how will I escape this lodge? Without the dwarves, how will I get home?”

It doesn’t take much to get a drunken elf to sing, and soon the elves on the dock started in on another, louder song. Bulbo could barely hear himself scheme as they raised the portcullis, singing:

Roll out the barrels
We’ll have a barrel of fun
Float to Lake City
To be refilled one by one
Past giant spiders
And webs that fill us with fear
Send back barrels filled with peanuts
And a lot more beer!

Panicking now, Bulbo jumped into the river with the last barrel and managed, despite his poor swimming, to catch hold of it and float along.

Out the barrels went, under the branches of the trees on either bank. The water and the air were both quite cold, which made Bulbo’s back hurt more than ever. He became jealous of the dwarves in their cozy, warm barrels, deathtraps though they were.

As the night wore on, the barrels ran aground on the north bank of the river. Bulbo realized that they were no longer in the forest, but near an elf-village on its outskirts. The two principal industries of the village were renting paddleboats and forwarding barrels to Lake City.

Elves came forward and soon the empties were tied together, to float the rest of the way to Lake City the next day. Wood elves would accompany them to keep them from getting stuck along the riverbank. When they arrived in Lake City, they would also collect a small cash deposit for each barrel. It wasn’t much, but it was a living.

Bulbo knew none of this, but he took a chance and left the rafts to steal some dinner. He wondered briefly about the well-being of the dwarves, and then decided that they were still too close to Murkywood to reveal themselves and risk recapture. Not knowing when his next opportunity to release the dwarves might be, he decided he would have to wait and see. He quickly went back to eating his stolen tater tots and cocktail franks. A stolen bottle of peppermint schnapps made the night seem less cold. Soon he was asleep.

When Bulbo awoke, he did so with an especially loud sneeze. He stole an omelet, some coffee, a book to help kill time, and a hot water bottle, and then climbed aboard the dwarf-and-barrel raft. He ate for a minute, and then two elves climbed on and pushed the raft away from the bank with poles. They were underway.

Bulbo noticed that since he was wearing the ring when he stole the hot water bottle, it had become invisible too, as did everything else he stole. He was going to attempt to hit an elf with it, to see if the bottle would become visible if he used it as a weapon, but he decided that it was not the time.

Bulbo finished his invisible breakfast, which was difficult, like eating with your eyes closed. The barrel raft was headed towards the Lake, where Bulbo hoped to find locals that were either friendly, gullible or careless.

The dwarves had escaped the lodge of the Elvenking and were through Murkywood, but whether alive or dead remained to be seen. Bulbo was hoping they were alive, but he wasn’t going to beat himself up if they weren’t.


Thanks for reading! Please reply with some comments! If you want to read more about Bulbo’s advnetures and look at some excellent drawings, visit my website: http://TheWobbitAParody.com

Visit my website to see art and excerpts from my full-scale parody of The Hobbit at www.TheWobbitAParody.com

(This post was edited by Paul Erickson on Jul 3 2010, 4:53am)

 
 

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