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It's my TORN birthaversary! And I have mathoms...

Ataahua
Forum Admin / Moderator


Oct 15, 2:53am

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It's my TORN birthaversary! And I have mathoms... Can't Post

Hey everyone! Today I turn 20 in TORN years (I joined the discussion boards just a few months before FOTR was released) and ... a somewhat larger number in actual years. Tongue To celebrate, I've gone gone through my files and I've stumbled upon some classic bits of TORN humour from the First Age (pre-movies - I lurked for several months before signing up, snickering in delight with fellow book fans).

So here, for your geeky pleasure, is a selection of mathoms from the Old Room, many created by members who have long since sailed over the sea. (Please don't mind the dust...)


Top 10 reasons why balrogs don't fly
by Idril Celebrindal

10. Whip doesn't fit in overhead luggage bin.
9. Frequent flyer miles unusable in Middle-earth.
8. Not enough legroom in tiny airplane seats.
7. Prefer riding Greyhound Bus for a truly evil traveling experience.
6. Flaming sword interferes with air traffic control system and cockpit electronics.
5. Allergic to airline peanuts.
4. No first class upgrades on Angband to Moria flights.
3. Swore off flying after bad experience with drunken Ringwraiths on the red-eye to Mordor.
2. FAA regulations prohibit open fires in passenger compartment.
And the number one reason why balrogs don't fly ...
1. No wings :-)


Middle-earth Authority
By ThirdOrcOnTheLeft (with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan)
Sung to the tune of "Modern Major-General"

I am the very model of a Middle-earth authority,
A pundit at the pinnacle of Reading Room seniority.
There is no tiny detail of the books on which I haven't spoke,
And gladly share the vastness of my expertise with lesser folk.
I know the size of slipper that was worn by Barley Butterbur;
I know the kings of Men and also what their favourite colours were;
I know the kind of speckled trout they kept in the Forbidden Pool
And what Lord Elrond's nickname was while he was still at public
school!
Chorus: And what Lord Elrond's nickname was while he was
still at public school,
And what Lord Elrond's nickname was while he was
still at public school,
And what Lord Elrond's nickname was while he was
still at, still at public school!

By lengthy calculation I've now shown where all the Ent-wives
went;
My thoughts on Dwarvish mating stand the test of any argument;
In short, though I demur to point out my superiority,
I am the very model of a Middle-earth authority.
Chorus: In short, though he demurs to point out his
superiority,
He is the very model of a Middle-earth authority.

There's no one who's my equal as a Second Age historian,
The reigning expert I remain on knickknacks Númenorean;
I can't begin to count the times I've read the Silmarillion;
My postings in the Reading Room now number several million.
I've crafted naughty limericks in Quenyan and in Sindarin,
I know the size and shape of box that Bilbo kept his tinder in.
I know how many Orcs were at the fight of Azanulbizar
I'll even tell you what the names of Queen Berúthiel's kittens are!
Chorus: He'll even tell you what the names of Queen
Berúthiel's kittens are,
He'll even tell you what the names of Queen
Berúthiel's kittens are,
He'll even tell you what the names of Queen
Berúthiel's kittens-ittens are!

I know the wand'ring Wizards and how much they spend on cloak repair
And why the Elves live up in trees and where they get their dinnerware.
In short, since I can toss a million Tolkien facts or more at ye,
I am the very model of a Middle-earth authority!
Chorus: In short, since he can toss a million Tolkien facts or
more at ye,
He is the very model of a Middle-earth authority!

I've theorized the width and size of cobwebs of Ungoliant's,
Discussed if cave trolls like to bathe, and if they use exfoliants.
I know the average rainfall for October in Anórien
And what the word for "waffle" is in Entish and Gondorian.
I know how many guest rooms there should rightly be in Rivendell,
The colour of the frillies worn by Lúthien Tinúviel;
In short, with all the endless facts and figures I could givia,
You'll never meet a bigger Tolkien treasure-trove of trivia!
Chorus: You'll never meet a bigger Tolkien treasure-trove of
trivia,
You'll never meet a bigger Tolkien treasure-trove of
trivia,
You'll never meet a bigger Tolkien treasure-trove of
trivi-ivia!

I doubt that one could ever find another who's been given birth
That had my maven's knowledge of all things to do with Middle-earth.
In short, in polymathic, perspicacious professority
I am the very model of a Middle-earth authority!
Chorus: In short, in polymathic, perspicacious professority
He is the very model of a Middle-earth authority!


To post, or not to post
by Magrat

To post, or not to post- that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous Top 10 Lists
Or to take arms against a sea of Balrog Wing discussions,
And by opposing end them. To post- to debate-
No more; and by a debate to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To post- to debate.
To debate- perchance to spur further discussion: ay, there's the rub!
For in that flurry of postings what arguments may come
When we have shuffled off this wordy coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long a post.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of POSEY,
Th' Steward's wrong, the Blue Wizard's contumely,
The pangs of despis'd love, the Annael's delay,
The insolence of AlanPartridge, and the spurns
That patient merit of Gaffer's takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare No Text response? Who would these fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary post,
But that the dread of something after posting-
The undiscover'd country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns- puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to other opinions voiced that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make non-writers of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action.- Soft you now!
The fair Kyriel!- Witty poster, in thy orisons
Be all my puns and parodies rememb'red.


Poetry challenge - Bombadil

Ataahua
Of all the quirks of Middle-earth
Its histories and its lore
The true ID of Bombadil
Is surely to the fore

Just who is this leaping loon
Who can endure through time?
But here’s the trick to make you think:
Give your response in rhyme!


LiJuun
Tom Bombadil as we know him is no more,
And no one quite knows what he was before.
But what he is now is a great little story,
(Don’t worry Gramma, it’s not at all gory).
You see, someone brought him a book from here,
Filled with LotR drawings, some normal, some queer,
And he looked at the works of Nasmith and Lee
“No, no, they’re all quite wrong,” cried he,
“I know for a fact that I can do it betta.”
So he came to our world,
And answers to the name – Ezpeleta!


Man of Rohan
Hey-Dol Merry Dol
Tom was Tolkien's doll
The kids loved Tom's look
So he put 'im in his book
But soon they found him oh so silly
'Cause of his prancing and his lillies
So to Tom they bid a fond adieu
And then they flushed him down the loo.

Err... sorry.
(But it IS true!)


grammaboodawg
Is he ain't or is he is?
The one who saw it all.
Unhampered by all worldly biz,
but comes when need will call.

Does he appear for you as me,
or is he just a phantom?
He's the Master of both day and eve,
but to friends he's just 'ol Tom.


Penthe
Tom Bombadil is just a guy.
He lives in a forest, we don't know why.
He sings and dances, we wish he wouldn't
We asked him for help, he said he couldn't

He taught us some rhymes, that we don't remember,
Until we found a wight, which Tom dismembered*.
He likes gold jewels, but not gold rings
He likes Goldberry, to whom he sings

A bit too much in our opinion,
Unless he's been drinking too much Dorwinion.
He is old, and short, and rosy-nosed.
But we don't know if he has fur on his toes.


*Well, Tom would've dismembered him if he'd had to. I'm absolutely sure of it.

DISCLAIMER: This rhyme is in no way endorsed by, supported or in any way representative of that art-form known as 'poetry'.


Owlyross
Same kind of feel as Oiliphaunt...

Spirit of Earth yet full of mirth
Feather in cap, such a jolly chap
Older than some but still seems young
With a hey dolly dee what on Ea could he be?

In Old Forest he stays, till the end of all days
Not man, beast or elf, he is only himself
His power is great, but kept behind gates
Till Middle Earth does fall, then no longer he'll call


squire
Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow;
Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.
None has yet defined him, for Tom is an enigma
All those who try to do it fail and soon they feel the stigma.

By water, wood and hill, by the reed and willow
He seems to be the countryside, does old Tom Bombadillo
Is he a Nature Spirit, dancing through the seasons?
Tolkien seemed to say so, though he did not give his reasons.

He cannot be a Hobbit though for sure he is so jolly.
No kind of Elf is Tom, you will not hear him sing fa-lally!
Nor mortal Man of Middle-earth, by Ring-lust made the bolder,
Nor Ent of ancient forest realms, for Tom is even older.

Of the dwarvish folk the father was the Vala known as Aulë
And some propose that Tom is he, a guess of utter faulë.
Like any of the Valar, he would fear no wraiths of Sauron!
To use my favorite rhyme, that is the theory of a mauron.

And do not even mention the All-father, Ilúvatar
Though Goldberry declares “He Is”, the phrase holds little water.
Tolkien said that merely is a comment about naming,
For Eru will not walk the Earth until the End a-flaming.

Who’s left? the evil Witch-King, of Angmar lord of old,
Has slyly been suggested but the humor soon grows cold.
For many the all-purpose term of Maia fits the bill
But such a being would surely rate a mention in the Sil.

By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear us!
Come, Tom Bombadil, our need to know is near us!
Who are you Master? “Don’t you know my name yet?
Tell me, who are you, alone, yourself and nameless?”

Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow;
Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.
None has yet defined him, for Tom is an enigma
All those who try to do it fail and soon they feel the stigma.


Aerlinn
Since there's a theme building here of using the Professor's rhyme schemes...

Sam:
Up came Tom with yellow boots on
Says he to me: “Pray, what is yon?
For it looks” - he grins - “Like the shanks and shins
Of a couple of lads with bare feet.
Scared feet! Hairy feet!
That tree there is no pecan,
He finds unwary folk a rare treat!”

Now, Tom right quick with a hefty stick
Gave a thwack and a whack- legs began to kick
Old Man Willow was beat - Tom said “Let’s eat!”
And took us to meet Goldberry.
Merry! Fairy!
A pretty sight - how’d that lunatic
Ever come to marry such as she?

Tom saved the day, though we’d hardly say
He’s what was expected when we came away
When he bounced along with his silly song
With his coat and his hat with the feather
Dither! Tither!
He’s the Master, of what he didn’t claim
But he’s says not of the weather.

He’s old as old, or so we’re told,
But just about middling to behold;
Gave Frodo a fright when he stayed in sight
When he went and put the Ring on!
Sting on! Bling on!
Still, he knows not to let food get cold
I only wish he wouldn’t sing on…


My apologies to Professor Tolkien. ;)


Curious
Old Tom Bombadil is a merry riddle;
Strong his power seems, yet Gandalf says it's little.
Oldest he says he is, yet Tolkien names him not
In The Silmarillion, which covers quite a lot.
I think Tom's the character who Tolkien wished to be,
The author's alter-ego; a "Mary Sue," you see.
Tolkien indulged himself, but only for a while
Some skim those chapters, but I read on and smile.

Celebrimbor: "Pretty rings..."
Dwarves: "Pretty rings..."
Men: "Pretty rings..."
Sauron: "Mine's better."

"Ah, how ironic, the addictive qualities of Sauron’s master weapon led to its own destruction. Which just goes to show, kids - if you want two small and noble souls to succeed on a mission of dire importance... send an evil-minded beggar with them too." - Gandalf's Diaries, final par, by Ufthak.


Fantasy novel - The Arcanist's Tattoo

My LOTR fan-fiction


Annael
Immortal


Oct 15, 4:19am

Post #2 of 15 (404 views)
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ah, there's some names sadly too long absent from the board [In reply to] Can't Post

I lost touch with TOOTL years ago alas. Wish Idril would return.

I am a dreamer of words, of written words.
-- Gaston Bachelard

* * * * * * * * * *

NARF and member of Deplorable Cultus since 1967


Greenwood Hobbit
Tol Eressea


Oct 15, 1:27pm

Post #3 of 15 (377 views)
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Happy birthaversary! [In reply to] Can't Post

So much talent in those mathoms... thanks for sharing them!


Lily Fairbairn
Half-elven


Oct 15, 2:34pm

Post #4 of 15 (376 views)
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Happy birthaversary! [In reply to] Can't Post

What a delight to see all those old names, and to enjoy all the clever word-play. Thank you! I hope you have something nice planned in physical life as well! Smile

Where now the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing?
Where is the helm and the hauberk, and the bright hair flowing?
Where is the hand on the harpstring, and the red fire glowing?
Where is the spring and the harvest and the tall corn growing?
They have passed like rain on the mountain, like a wind in the meadow;
The days have gone down in the West behind the hills into shadow....


grammaboodawg
Immortal


Oct 15, 3:56pm

Post #5 of 15 (372 views)
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*mods up* Happy Happy Birthaversary! *flying tackle hug* :D [In reply to] Can't Post



Twenty Years! I can't believe how fast the time has flown by! CONGRATULATIONS!!!! :D All the things we've done and seen that never would have happened without Tolkien and TORn :D Brilliant!
And THANK YOU for that fabulous collection of mathoms! So many sibbie names that make me smile!
*massive hug* Here's to another 20, dear Friend! :D



sample

We have been there and back again.


Join the "Tolkien Fandom Oral History Project"

TIME Google Calendar


dernwyn
Forum Admin / Moderator


Oct 15, 4:31pm

Post #6 of 15 (370 views)
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Many happy returns of your birthaversary! [In reply to] Can't Post

I feel like Treebeard remembering the old long-gone Ents, seeing some of the names there...

I'm glad you thought to keep these, they are treasures! Thank you! Cool


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I desired dragons with a profound desire"


Altaira
Superuser / Moderator


Oct 15, 4:43pm

Post #7 of 15 (370 views)
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Brava, and congratulations! [In reply to] Can't Post

A fabulous mathom, indeed! Some of those brought tears of laughter back to my eyes, so thank you, and happy TORNiversary! Heart


Koru: Maori symbol representing a fern frond as it opens. The koru reaches towards the light, striving for perfection, encouraging new, positive beginnings.



"Life can't be all work and no TORn" -- jflower

"I take a moment to fervently hope that the camaradarie and just plain old fun I found at TORn will never end" -- LOTR_nutcase





Na Vedui
Rohan


Oct 15, 6:30pm

Post #8 of 15 (362 views)
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Thank you! [In reply to] Can't Post

The Middle-earth Authority song especially is a hoot!


Kimi
Forum Admin / Moderator


Oct 15, 7:50pm

Post #9 of 15 (360 views)
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Happy birthaversary! [In reply to] Can't Post

Loved that blast from the past :)


The Passing of Mistress Rose
My historical novels

Do we find happiness so often that we should turn it off the box when it happens to sit there?

- A Room With a View


cats16
Valinor


Oct 15, 9:47pm

Post #10 of 15 (354 views)
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Happy birthaversary! [In reply to] Can't Post

Hope you had a wonderful day!

Join us every weekend in the Hobbit movie forum for this week's CHOW (Chapter of the Week) discussion!




Ginger
Rohan

Oct 18, 5:23pm

Post #11 of 15 (331 views)
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Happy Birthaversary! [In reply to] Can't Post

Thank you for the mathoms. They still make me smile.


Ethel Duath
Half-elven


Oct 19, 10:48pm

Post #12 of 15 (297 views)
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"polymathic, perspicacious professority " [In reply to] Can't Post

I've been practicing saying this for several minutes . . .
and, HAPPY BIRTHATORNERY!!!!!

(I hope it doesn't sound as if I'm now becoming ornery,
to wish you happy birthday past the date that you were born-ery . . .) Oh, no. It's catching! ShockedEvilAngelic



Ataahua
Forum Admin / Moderator


Oct 19, 11:29pm

Post #13 of 15 (294 views)
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LOL! [In reply to] Can't Post

TOOTL's influence continues! Laugh

And yeah, that line keeps catching me whenever my eyes scan down that song. How on earth TOOTL pulled all of that together, I'll never know. Smile

Celebrimbor: "Pretty rings..."
Dwarves: "Pretty rings..."
Men: "Pretty rings..."
Sauron: "Mine's better."

"Ah, how ironic, the addictive qualities of Sauron’s master weapon led to its own destruction. Which just goes to show, kids - if you want two small and noble souls to succeed on a mission of dire importance... send an evil-minded beggar with them too." - Gandalf's Diaries, final par, by Ufthak.


Fantasy novel - The Arcanist's Tattoo

My LOTR fan-fiction


SirDennisC
Half-elven


Oct 20, 4:15am

Post #14 of 15 (312 views)
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Happy Birthaversary (so much easier to spell than TORniversary!) [In reply to] Can't Post

I thought it fitting to post a repost from your 13th TORn Birthaversary. But before I do allow me to say that it has been one of life’s unique pleasures being in your company as you helped shape this place into the friendliest and most civilized community on the net. Thank you for all that you’ve done in that regard.

I should say too that while rummaging through old posts there were so many names of folk who are sorely missed (not all have sailed into the West): Jazmine, Rosie-with-the-Ribbons, Magpie, Weaver, kel, Arwen’s Daughter, to name only a few. These are real people, though mostly only known by their avatars and screen names, and you helped protect this garden where equally real friendships could bloom among people with similar and also diverse interests.

Without further ado, I hear it as sung by Jennifer Saunders as the Fairy Godmother in Shrek 2:


Quote
Somewhere around this time in 2001 I stopped lurking and joined TORN's discussion boards, and boy have things not been the same since! I've met board members in NZ and overseas, exulted over the LOTR films, enjoyed The Hobbit movies and discussed issues from the nature of evil to the likely eye-colour of Silvan elves.

As Hobbits are fond of regifting on their birthdays, I'll regift a mathom I wrote in September 2010 - back when Guillermo del Toro was the director of The Hobbit, we were pondering how they would make two films out of the book, and the final 'go' had still to be given by the studios. In the midst of that frustrating limbo I took a Bonnie Tyler song and had a bit of fun with it. So here's an echo of the time before filming started on The Hobbit - enjoy!

I Need a Greenlight
(Based on ‘I Need a Hero’ by Bonnie Tyler)

[“C minor. Put it in C minor…”]

Where have all the hobbits gone and where are all the dwarves?
Where’s the cryptic map of old to find the dragon’s hoard?
Isn’t there a wizard to help them on their feet?
When I’m online I fret at the news and I dream of what we need!

We need greenlight!
We’re holding out for a greenlight so the filming starts now!
We’re holding our breaths, we’re all turning blue
And we need to see a light shining out.
We need a greenlight!
We’re holding out for a greenlight so the filming starts now!
The seasons are turning, we need to get moving,
So the Shire isn’t covered in snow.
(Covered in snow.)

Doo doo doo doooo,
doo doo doo doooo,
doo doo doo doooo
Aaahhh, aaahhh

Somewhere after midnight, in my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's a Hobbit ticket waiting for me.
Racing on the thunder of a fandom’s racing hearts
Will it take a miracle to get this film to start?

We need greenlight!
We’re holding out for a greenlight so the filming starts now!
We’re holding our breaths, we’re all turning blue
And we need to see a light shining out.
We need a greenlight!
We’re holding out for a greenlight so the filming starts now!
The fandom is ageing, the anticipation
Is hastening the stress lines and groans.
(Stress lines and groans.)

Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I could swear that Potter’s fandom is laughing at me.
As they tick off all the days ‘til they see
Their two films on the screen
I can feel our waiting like a chill in the blood.

We need greenlight!
We’re holding out for a greenlight so the filming starts now!
We’re holding our breaths, we’re all turning blue
And we need to see a light shining out.
We need a greenlight!
We’re holding out for a greenlight so the filming starts now!
We’re drowning in vampires, and kids’ animation,
But the dragon and the dwarves are our own.
We need greenlight!
We’re holding out for a greenlight so the filming starts now!
By Ataahua Oct 12, 2014, here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...Torniversary;#781444



(This post was edited by SirDennisC on Oct 20, 4:27am)


Ataahua
Forum Admin / Moderator


Oct 20, 7:22pm

Post #15 of 15 (255 views)
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You are too kind [In reply to] Can't Post


In Reply To
you helped shape this place into the friendliest and most civilized community on the net.


...especially as it's been a group effort to keep our part of the internet family-friendly and thriving, even during the non-movie years. And by 'group' I don't just mean all of the admins but every board member too - keeping our discussions robust but thoughtful, and supporting each other when there are tough times. We're a true community and I love hanging out with similar weirdos. Cool

And oh my god, that mathom! That brings back memories of heady days of anticipation, pre-Hobbit! Guillermo dropping by with his riddle (which Kimi solved in what seemed to be seconds), thoughts on what Smaug would look like, guesses on where the break would be between movies, dissecting the designs of each of the Dwarves... those were busy days!

Celebrimbor: "Pretty rings..."
Dwarves: "Pretty rings..."
Men: "Pretty rings..."
Sauron: "Mine's better."

"Ah, how ironic, the addictive qualities of Sauron’s master weapon led to its own destruction. Which just goes to show, kids - if you want two small and noble souls to succeed on a mission of dire importance... send an evil-minded beggar with them too." - Gandalf's Diaries, final par, by Ufthak.


Fantasy novel - The Arcanist's Tattoo

My LOTR fan-fiction

 
 

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