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dernwyn
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Jul 19 2020, 1:34am
Post #1 of 12
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The Unofficial Bored of the Rings Discussion: Chapter IX, Minas Troney In the Soup, Part 5: Deus Ex Machina, Anyone?
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"That was close indeed," said Spam, still shaking from their narrow escape from Schlob a few days before. Frito nodded feebly but still could not really piece together what had happened.
When last we left our heroes: http://newboards.theonering.net/...rum.cgi?post=846713;
March 2015? Great elephants...
Before them the great salt flats of Fordor stretched to the feet of a giant molehill which held Bardahl, the high-rise headquarters of Sorhed. The wide plain was dotted with barracks, parade grounds, and motor pools. Thousands of narcs were swarming frantically, digging holes and filling them up again and polishing the dusty ground with enormous buffers. Far in the distance the Zazu Pits, the Black Hole, spewed the sooty remains of hundreds of years of National Geographics into the air over Fordor. Right before them, at the foot of the cliff, a thick, black pool of tar bubbled noisily, from time to time emitting a heavy belch.
1. It's a slight stretch from Barad-dur to Bardahl, but being a brand of motor oil additives, it makes sense for the headquarters of a land which, in the original, has oily pits, and here, has many motor pools. The kind with vehicles for use, that is, not water holes filled with rusting car heaps. Maybe. Depends how much jeep drag-racing the narcs engaged in.
2. Sorhed was not one to make a mountain out of a molehill, it would seem.
3. Sounds like a modern-day army camp taking advantage of the un-undulating landscape of salt flats, which can be as deadly as Mordor, if one attempts crossing them without the necessary supplies.
4. Thoughts on the fruitless work of constantly digging/filling of holes? This was long before Louis Sachar wrote "Holes", but that was a search for buried treasure. Polishing the ground is another unproductive endeavor; an allusion to the spit-and-shine polishing of boots?
5. Zasu Pitts! Extraordinary actress with the hard-to-forget name. Remember her?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4-vGmbK9QE
6. Are the authors psychic? Having the black cloud being formed by the sooty remains of National Geographics portends the results from a study in the Journal of Irreproducible Results, which would not be published until 1976: "the effect of national geographic on landmass depression in America.
"The authors estimate that around 7 million copies are printed annually, and the journal has been around for 141 years, with each copy weighing 2lb and not likely to be discarded by the subscriber. Hence some simple maths tells you that :
"Taking the predictions of Kaub (1974) at face value, the height of a column of National Geographic magazines necessary to depress the continental land mass by 100 feet (30.48 m) was calculated. This would be a vertical stack 82.33 m high, equivalent to 11.45 x 103 magazines. This depression of the land mass would produce a rise in sea level due to displaced mantle material. Assuming the effect is confined only to the ocean basins, a net depression of 100 feet (30.48 m) would be due to an actual depression of the land of 29.82 m and a resultant rise in sea level of 66 cm."
(Found at http://bayblab.blogspot.com/2007/07/journal-of-irreproducible-results.html)
Frito stood for a long time, peering out from under his fingers at the distant, smoking volcano.
"It's many a hard kilo to the Black Hole," he said, fingering the Ring.
"No lie, bwana," said Spam.
"This nearer tar pit has a certain holelike flavor," said Frito.
"Round," agreed Spam. "Open. Deep."
"Dark," added Frito.
"Black," said Spam.
Frito took the Ring from round his neck and twirled it absently at the end of its chain.
"Careful, Mr. Frito," said Spam, raining a series of hitsies on his arm.
"Indeed," said Frito, flinging the Ring in the air and deftly catching it behind his back.
"Very risky," Spam said, and picking up a large stone, he threw it into the center of the tar pit, where it sank with a wet glop.
7. Well this certainly shortens the journey! Thoughts on why, here, just any "black hole" is suitable, when back in Chapter One Goodgulf stated that the destination had to be the Zazu Pits?
8. Once again, Frito toys with the Ring. Do you recall where else he did this?
"Pity we have no weight to anchor it safely to the bottom," said Frito, swinging the chain over his head. "Accidents can happen."
"Just in case," said Spam, searching vainly in his pack for some heavy object. "A dead weight, a sinker," he muttered.
"Hello," said a gray lump behind them. "Long time no see."
"Goddam, old shoe," crooned Spam, and dropped a coin at Goddam's feet.
"Small world," said Frito as he palmed the Ring and clapped the surprised creature on the back.
"Look!" cried Frito, pointing to an empty sky. "The Winged Victory of Samothrace." And as Goddam turned to see, Frito looped the chain over his neck.
"Holla," cried Spam, "a 1927 Indian-head nickel!" and dropped on his hands and knees in front of Goddam.
"Whoops!" said Frito.
"Aiyeee," added Goddam.
"Floop," suggested the tar pit.
9. Two con artists at work - but not to relief their mark of something valuable, just the opposite!
10. Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...the Winged Victory of Samothrace!
11. The current market value of a 1927 Indian-head nickel in average condition is $1.90.
12. Notice the text does not indicate that either Frito or Spam pushed Goddam into the tar pit. The action was merely "suggested" by the pit itself.
Frito let out a deep sigh and both boggies bade a final farewell to the Ring and its ballast. As they raced from the pit, a loud bubbling noise grew from the black depths and the earth began to tremble. Rocks split and the ground opened beneath their very feet, causing the boggies much concern. In the distance the dark towers began to crumble and Frito saw Sorhed's offices at Bardahl seam and shatter into a smoking heap of plaster and steel.
"Sure don't build 'em like they used to," observed Spam as he dodged a falling water cooler.
Great rents appeared around the boggies and they found themselves cut off from escape. The whole land seemed to writhe and moan from its very bowels, which after eons of lethargy, had finally begun to move. The earth tipped at a crazy angle and the boggies slid toward a crevass filled with used razor blades and broken wine bottles.
"Ciao!" waved Spam to Frito.
"At a time like this?" sobbed Frito.
13. So the Ring can be destroyed in any of Fordor's pits! That's some violet reaction the entire land is having.
14. The water cooler projectile is a fun effect. You can imagine other typical office furniture and sundries of this time period becoming airborne: wastebaskets, mimeograph machines, IBM Selectric typewriters...
15. The authors get in their own bit of "bathroom humor".
16. Used razor blades and broken wine bottles: the remains of one wild pary!
Then just over their heads they saw a passing flash of color. There in the sky they saw a giant eagle, full-feathered and painted shocking pink. On its side were the words DEUS EX MACHINA AIRLINES in metallic gold.
Frito yelped as the great bird swooped bow and snatched them both from death with its rubberized talons.
"Name's Gwahno," said the Eagle as they climbed sharply away from the disintegrating land. "Find a seat."
"But how--" began Frito.
"Not now, mac," the bird snapped. "Gotta figure a flight plan outta this dump."
The powerful wings bore them to a dizzying height and Frito looked with awe upon the convulsed land below. Fordor's black rivers were twisting like ringworms, huge glaciers figure skated across barren plains, and the mountains were playing leapfrog.
Just before Gwahno began banking a turn, Frito thought he caught a glimpse of a great, dark form the color and shape of a bread pudding retreating over the mountains with a steamer trunk of odd socks.
17. Now, admit it: the first time you read LotR, didn't you feel like Gwaihir's rescue team was a deus ex machina ploy? Beard and Kenney have stated it in black and white: where did those eagles suddenly come from?
18. Notice the safety of rubberized talons. No sense in spearing what you're trying to save.
19. "Gwahno". Perfect. Could this eagle have any other name!
20. Black rivers twisting like...ringworms? Very funny, guys!
21. Glaciers? Tolkien never mentioned those...looks like a nice salt lake will be forming.
22. I'm wondering what kind of bread pudding the authors were served in the Harvard cafeteria. Mine is a custard with clumps of bread sticking up. Of course, if you plop a spoonful onto a plate, it rather loses cohesion and becomes a lumpy blob. (But it still tastes good.)
23. Ever have to run out of a building when an alarm sounds? Your freaked-out brain makes you grab the closest, most illogical thing to "save". Like a streamer trunk full of mismatched socks.
But have we seen the last of Sorhed?
Next: "If he says that one more time..."
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"I desired dragons with a profound desire"
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CuriousG
Half-elven
Jul 21 2020, 8:15pm
Post #2 of 12
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When National Geographic was Lord of the Magazines
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Oh, that makes me an old Gaffer. So be it. That magazine had the heaviest, highest-quality paper to support the stunning photography that the magazine was famous for. (I loved the photos but often felt the writing to be verbose. But wow, those photos!)
So what greater sacrilege than for Sorhed to incinerate them? Might as well burn Bibles and Korans, the monster! But seriously, no one would have been upset if Popular Mechanics or Reader's Digest had been put to the torch.
The Cowardly End to the Quest: this is one of my favorite parts of BOTR, when our noble heroes take a cheap way out. No slogging through those motor pools or nearly dying in the epic finale as they reach the Black Hole. Naw. This little pile of goo should do the trick. And against all logic, it did! Which I guess makes me rethink all the fuss in LOTR, and if Frodo could have just slipped the Ring under a rock on Mordor's border, and that would have led to all the eruptions and without all the drama. Or for that matter, since the Shire had mail service, why didn't he just mail the Ring to the Crack of Doom, so let's ask that question instead of the one about the Eagles.
Poor Goddam, falling for a cheap trick by "heroes" cutting corners. But at least he got the Ring back, however briefly, and we all knew he was just going to keep complaining anyway, so maybe the Ring was just collateral damage in the more important deed of eliminating the whiny clown?
Frito toying with the Ring? He also does that while wondering at Lavalier's great beauty. And she sees him toy with his Ring while wondering at her great beauty, and she says the same thing out loud in a joke sequence which I've always enjoyed. Let's make the leap here and assume her influence and blessing were at work in taking the quest shortcut here. Maybe next time he visits, she won't tell him to leave at dawn.
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ElanorTX
Tol Eressea
Jul 27 2020, 3:43am
Post #3 of 12
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I have quite a collection of The Journal of Irreproducible Results //
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"I shall not wholly fail if anything can still grow fair in days to come."
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dernwyn
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Jul 27 2020, 1:21pm
Post #4 of 12
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Is the weight of them causing your house to bend or sink?
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(There are jokes about not storing the National Geos in the attic, else the ceiling will collapse!  )
I've never seen an actual JIR magazine, only read some articles from them. You rock!
(By the way, the Sunday Breaking Cat News had a great (parody) observation about Connecticans - for years I used my grandmother's Singer treadle sewing machine as an end-table! Got rid of it when we moved, the thing was heavy, and the metal grillwork pedal was a pain to keep clean.)
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"I desired dragons with a profound desire"
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dernwyn
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Jul 27 2020, 1:34pm
Post #5 of 12
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Hey, I like Popular Mechanics!
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It's one of the magazines we get for the kids in my school library. Along with National Geo Kids and Sports Illustrated Kids. (They can ask their dads about the regular mag's swimsuit issue.)
Mail the Ring to the Crack of Doom? Makes sense, but how do we know Saruman wasn't intercepting the Express Riders as they came through the Gap of Rohan?
But it does make one wonder what would have happened if the Ring had gotten tossed down a pit along with Sam's pans.
Now that's a new way of looking at it: Goddam had to be eliminated, and the Ring just happened to go with him! It seems to me that there was something similar about needing to rid the world of Gollum and the Ring getting involved, but I can't quite put my finger on it. (Or in it?)
Bingo - you remembered the "toying" reference! Wait - are you implying that there was a reason Frito needed to get back to Lornadoon? 
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"I desired dragons with a profound desire"
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CuriousG
Half-elven
Jul 27 2020, 2:32pm
Post #6 of 12
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There's a precedent for bureaucracy defeating evil
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Makes sense, but how do we know Saruman wasn't intercepting the Express Riders as they came through the Gap of Rohan? I'm thinking of the Nozdrul being defeated at the Elfboro toll bridge because they didn't have the currency to get across and pursue Frito. So I'll lay a bet that the postal service can defeat the likes of Saruman. "You'd like to intercept our riders? Let's see, you'll need to fill out Form 10A-4-X, which takes about 10 days, and then we'll need 2,000 signatures by witnesses verified by an mermaid attorney..."
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dernwyn
Forum Admin
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Jul 27 2020, 8:19pm
Post #7 of 12
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"You insist you are the true recipient of this mail?"
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"Certainly, sir. Just let me inspect your driver's license, certified birth certificate, and valid Eriadorian passport...hm, it says here your birthdate is...I'm sorry, sir, that's not a valid date, and your Passport expired back in 2759."
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"I desired dragons with a profound desire"
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CuriousG
Half-elven
Jul 30 2020, 7:42pm
Post #8 of 12
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Bored of Being Brave and Responsible
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If the theme of LOTR is doing what's right, BOTR is pretty consistent about turning that on its head, and not just Frito & Spam making a shortcut of the quest at the very end.
Orlon at his Council:
"It is only a matter of time before they come here," he said, pulling a shawl over his head and making a gesture of throwing something of a conciliatory nature to a shark, "and as neutrals, we would have no choice..."
While Goodgulf holds the bridge against the ballhog, "Back, vile hoopster," the non-boggies chop away the bridge he's on.
Then in Lornadoon, the noble Elves who elsewhere "fought the long defeat" say:
"Your enemies are powerful and merciless."
"You have much to fear."
"You leave at dawn."
When Frito tells Farahslax of his quest, "Farahslax's face darkened, and looking first at Goddam and Spam, then back to Frito, he tiptoed out of the grove with a little smile and disappeared with his men..."
When Minas Troney was in the soup, Goodgulf demanded white robes "for white flag" of surrender, which was marvelously misinterpreted as the attack signal that saved the day.
I could go on! But for all the wonderful jokes strewn across the pages like a meal of frankincense and myrrh, there is a deliberate move by the writers to undo the heroism of every single heroic act. Even the march on Sorhed was only decided upon while everyone was drunk. So, falling short of the Zazu Pits fits the master game plan. There is cold logic behind all the humor. Now I'm off to play Scrabble. 
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sador
Half-elven
Aug 10 2020, 4:34pm
Post #9 of 12
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Short cut to a conventional explosion (pt. I)
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March 2015? Great elephants... A few days before...
1. It's a slight stretch from Barad-dur to Bardahl, but being a brand of motor oil additives, it makes sense for the headquarters of a land which, in the original, has oily pits, and here, has many motor pools. The kind with vehicles for use, that is, not water holes filled with rusting car heaps. Maybe. Depends how much jeep drag-racing the narcs engaged in.
Well, seeing that as a young dude "the ambitious hubby studied demonology and business administration at night school" - isn't it appropriate that he ended up with a lucrative in Big Oil?
2. Sorhed was not one to make a mountain out of a molehill, it would seem.
A molehill out of a mountain, rather.
3. Sounds like a modern-day army camp taking advantage of the un-undulating landscape of salt flats, which can be as deadly as Mordor, if one attempts crossing them without the necessary supplies.
Are there any military camps in the https://www.swt.usace.army.mil/...t-Plains-Recreation/?
4. Thoughts on the fruitless work of constantly digging/filling of holes? This was long before Louis Sachar wrote "Holes", but that was a search for buried treasure. Polishing the ground is another unproductive endeavor; an allusion to the spit-and-shine polishing of boots?
Well, this seems a time-honoured pastime of soldiers. At least, it was in my days in the military.
It was even immortalised in nursery rhymes!
The King of France, with twenty thousand men,
Went up the hill, and then came down again.
5. Zasu Pitts! Extraordinary actress with the hard-to-forget name. Remember her?
Well, I didn't until this evening.
But I suppose I won't anymore.
6. Are the authors psychic? Having the black cloud being formed by the sooty remains of National Geographics portends the results from a study in the Journal of Irreproducible Results, which would not be published until 1976: "the effect of national geographic on landmass depression in America.
This calls for a definition from The Devil's Dictionary:
Air (n.) - A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful providence for the fattening of the poor.
7. Well this certainly shortens the journey! Thoughts on why, here, just any "black hole" is suitable, when back in Chapter One Goodgulf stated that the destination had to be the Zazu Pits?
See Letter 91:
As is too easy, I have got the hero into such a fix that not even an author will be able to extricate him without labour and difficulty. Whatever Beard and Kenney were, they were hardly authors; and they seem to be quite averse to "labour and difficulty".
8. Once again, Frito toys with the Ring. Do you recall where else he did this?
When wondering at Lavalier's great beauty!
Do I win the booby prize?
Thinking about things I don't understand
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sador
Half-elven
Aug 13 2020, 9:19am
Post #10 of 12
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Short cut to a conventional explosion (pt. II)
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One thing I forgot to mention in the previous time - did you ever notice this is the second time Spam addresses Frito as "bwana""?
9. Two con artists at work - but not to relief their mark of something valuable, just the opposite!
Just call them bas-relief artists and get done with it.
10. Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...the Winged Victory of Samothrace!
https://en.wikipedia.org/...of_Samothrace_(1698)
Is Frito a Venetian, or an Ottoman?
11. The current market value of a 1927 Indian-head nickel in average condition is $1.90.
Spam would never drop to his knees for less then five bucks.
One must be Goddam stupid to fall for it.
12. Notice the text does not indicate that either Frito or Spam pushed Goddam into the tar pit. The action was merely "suggested" by the pit itself.
I always read it as if the tar pit really enjoyed Goddam, and was coming back for some more.
Unlike Shelob - it didn't know any better. Probably even the Thesaurus would know better than that!
Regarding the point you made - considering the choreography, it was clearly Frito.
And the only reason he didn't fall in himself, is that unlike Jackson's version - Spam would never pull Frito out!
13. So the Ring can be destroyed in any of Fordor's pits! That's some violet reaction the entire land is having.
I didn't know the term, so I searched for it - and what I found was just this:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/...articles/PMC2272239/
Or did you mean "violent reaction"?
In which case... perhaps not "any pit" would work? Any pit would serve to destroy the Ring, but would not satisfy the land's innards, if you get what I mean.
14. The water cooler projectile is a fun effect. You can imagine other typical office furniture and sundries of this time period becoming airborne: wastebaskets, mimeograph machines, IBM Selectric typewriters...
15. The authors get in their own bit of "bathroom humor".
Well, if the previous time the bowels moved were eons ago - small wonder the water coolers are collpasong.
Which means Spam was wrong about "the way they used to" build. It is simply a problem of maintenance - not so different from Minas Troney's.
Perhaps some corrupt civil servant pocketed the money and retired to a sand castle at Dol Amroth when the tide is flowing?
16. Used razor blades and broken wine bottles: the remains of one wild pary!
Several wild thrusts and parries, more likely.
This probably is the source for the orcs' party at the Tower of Cirith Ungol in Jackson's film!
17. Now, admit it: the first time you read LotR, didn't you feel like Gwaihir's rescue team was a deus ex machina ploy?
Nah, Beard and Kenney just made a dumb mistake; like many Harvard graduates, they saw something and jumped to conclusions.
What was actually written on the eagle was DEM airlines, which actually stands for https://en.wikipedia.org/...ital_elevation_model.
Beard and Kenney have stated it in black and white: where did those eagles suddenly come from?
They were supposed to fight the Nozdrul and black pelicans - but left the fight to the gulls, prefering to follow Darkstone's injunction: Fly, you fools!
18. Notice the safety of rubberized talons. No sense in spearing what you're trying to save.
Especially at a time like this.
19. "Gwahno". Perfect. Could this eagle have any other name!
More bathroom humor.
20. Black rivers twisting like...ringworms? Very funny, guys!
I looked for the black river trail - and found there is one in New York, one in New Jersey, one in Michigan, one in Arkansas and one in Wisconsin.
I have no idea which of them resemble ringworm, or leapfrog mountains.
21. Glaciers? Tolkien never mentioned those...looks like a nice salt lake will be forming.
Now we get to Utah!
Unless you refuse to take Tolkien's words, and see BotR as an actual allegory to the Evil Empire; in which case this refers to the Caspian Sea.
22. I'm wondering what kind of bread pudding the authors were served in the Harvard cafeteria. Mine is a custard with clumps of bread sticking up. Of course, if you plop a spoonful onto a plate, it rather loses cohesion and becomes a lumpy blob. (But it still tastes good.)
Well, in Talmudic times they had in Babylonia a pudding named "kotakh" (or something similar), made of breadcrumbs and whey.
In Nedarim 49b, a Rabbi who lived in the land of Israel dismissively spoke of "The stupid Babylonians, who eat bread with bread sauce".
23. Ever have to run out of a building when an alarm sounds? Your freaked-out brain makes you grab the closest, most illogical thing to "save". Like a streamer trunk full of mismatched socks.
No, I haven't. We have a security room (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merkhav_Mugan) at home.
But have we seen the last of Sorhed?
No that there is any comparison - but Willian Jennings Bryan ran for president three times, and so did Henry Clay before him.
And nearer (my) home - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menachem_Begin did win on his ninth election.
Thinking about things I don't understand
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dernwyn
Forum Admin
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Aug 23 2020, 7:03pm
Post #11 of 12
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1. Demonology, business administration, Big Oil...I think you've got something, there!
2. Which came first, the mountain or the molehill? Come to think of it, a molehill would not be a very sturdy place on which to construct anything.
3. I know there's some outposts in the Great Salt Lake Desert. I crossed it west to east once, by car, and a Navy jet flew south to north at such a great speed that by the time I realized it was there, it was a mere speck on the horizon, only its sound had given it away.
4. That nursery rhyme is universal! Over here it's Genera Washington's men.
5. Er - you didn't, but now you won't - does that mean you've already forgotten her?
6. That definition. Ouch. (I wonder what the nutritional components of soot are.)
7. Yes, why put Frito and Spam through any more toil and trouble, besides, the authors had probably at this point bought the local stores out of all their Fritos and Dr. Pepper. Imagine if they'd only had an Amazon.com, how much more they could have written! Or not.
8. Everyone's (well, both of you are) doing great at remembering this scene between Frito and Lavalier! It's one of the best in the story. Congrats, you get this gold Ring which has some arcane etching on it...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I desired dragons with a profound desire"
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dernwyn
Forum Admin
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Aug 23 2020, 8:04pm
Post #12 of 12
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"Time to trot, bwana"! You're right, it happens only those two times. Extra credit: the word "bwana" is used in one other place in the story - can you find it?
9. "Bas-relief artists" - or "debased-relief"?
10. I think Frito is Sty-gian.
11. Definitely. Goddam had no concept of coin value. Or he was distracted by wondering what an "Indian-head" was.
12. What? Spam wouldn't just abandon his bwana to submerge into the black pit, would he? He had a hard enough time tossing his sheep into the Thesaurus! Granted, Frito wouldn't be as tasty as a loin of lamb...
13. "Violet"? Urg, that's what happens when one turns off the spell-checker! Yes, "violent" is the intended word here.
14. I remember my IBM Selectric typewriter well...'twas my work-horse in my college days.
15. Maintenance...hm...I'd say the pipes needed flushing.
16. The "used razor blades" reminded me of those used to "cut" cocaine into "lines" to be sniffed - something the authors would be familiar with (not saying they did this, themselves, but drug use is no stranger to college campuses).
17. So Gwahno was actually a reconnaissance scout for Lower Middle Earth mapmakers!
20. "Black rivers" may be a discreet reference to the Charles River in Boston, which, at that point in time, was badly polluted. (Come to think of it, most rivers were. If I opened a dorm window in college, I'd get a distinctive whiff of the Androscoggin, a mile away.)
21. Or the Aral Sea...
22. Bread with bread sauce does seem like a redundancy. I wonder if my bread pudding could be considered a porridge worth travelling up to 4 km for.
23. The Swiss have these, also. I understand that they can be quite comfortable!
24. Persistance pays off! But not for people like Harold Stassen - I think he ran for U.S. President a dozen times.
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"I desired dragons with a profound desire"
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