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noWizardme
Half-elven
Aug 19 2019, 3:42pm
Post #1 of 22
(3333 views)
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Tell us a Tolkien-based joke
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For example:
Q: Do Ents like Winter?
A: yes, they find it enticing.
Or:
Did you hear the one about the elf baby raised by goblins? It was a little awkward.
Or:
Aragorn, Boromir, Gandalf and Legolas walk into a bar. The rest of the Fellowship walks under the bar.
And: Having set the bar agreeably low, I'm sure someone else can do better 
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"Go down to the shovel store and take your pick." Traditional prank played on dwarves when they start down the mine.
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CuriousG
Half-elven
Aug 19 2019, 3:48pm
Post #2 of 22
(3267 views)
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Yes, whenever they have barbecue. Why do you ask?
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noWizardme
Half-elven
Aug 19 2019, 4:18pm
Post #3 of 22
(3261 views)
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What's elvish for 'My friend the Numenorean sailor'?
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Water-mellon man....
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"Go down to the shovel store and take your pick." Traditional prank played on dwarves when they start down the mine.
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Mari D.
Rivendell
Aug 19 2019, 5:22pm
Post #4 of 22
(3259 views)
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Here's some from my collection
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Two guards of the Citadel are standing next to the White Tree in Minas Tirith. One of them lets his gaze wander over the war-torn land in front of them, the occupied city Osgiliath and the dark mountains on the horizon behind it, and sighs deeply: "I firmly believe that one day, in all lands of Middle-earth, there will be peace!"
The other, completely unmoved and drily: " ... you're living in a fantasy world, do you know that?"
Chicken Jokes (movie-inspired)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To rescue Gandalf from the tower.
Why did Gandalf cross the road?
Because he was riding on the chicken.
Why did the Black Rider cross the road?
To reattach all the pillow-feathers to the chickens.
Why did Elrond cross the road?
To cast the chicken into the fire, and destroy it!
Why did Galadriel cross the road?
If the chicken strayed but a little, it would fail.
Why did Gollum cross the road?
To eat the chicken.
Why did Pippin cross the road?
To beat Gollum to eating the chicken.
Why did Sam cross the road?
To make Pippin cook the chicken first.
Why did Frodo cross the road?
The chicken was his guide and he was bound to it and it to him.
Why did Boromir cross the road?
Because Frodo was bound to the chicken.
Why did Aragorn cross the road?
The chicken's fate was no longer in his hands.
Why did Faramir cross the road?
He and the chicken finally understood one another.
Why did Legolas cross the road?
Because he could not linger. Not even for chicken.
Why did Gimli cross the road?
He didn't. He was tossed.
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What do you call an ensemble of Orcs?
An Orchestra
Who was Elronds favourite Rock Star ? Elvish Presley!
Why are hobbit doors round?
If you had 9 meals a day you need a round door too!
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noWizardme
Half-elven
Aug 19 2019, 5:43pm
Post #5 of 22
(3252 views)
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Bravo! And... does the chicken have wings?
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~~~~~~
"Go down to the shovel store and take your pick." Traditional prank played on dwarves when they start down the mine.
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noWizardme
Half-elven
Aug 19 2019, 5:44pm
Post #6 of 22
(3250 views)
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~~~~~~
"Go down to the shovel store and take your pick." Traditional prank played on dwarves when they start down the mine.
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Ataahua
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Aug 20 2019, 3:26am
Post #7 of 22
(3226 views)
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Because their fiery whips don't fit in the overhead compartment.
Celebrimbor: "Pretty rings..."
Dwarves: "Pretty rings..."
Men: "Pretty rings..."
Sauron: "Mine's better."
"Ah, how ironic, the addictive qualities of Sauron’s master weapon led to its own destruction. Which just goes to show, kids - if you want two small and noble souls to succeed on a mission of dire importance... send an evil-minded beggar with them too." - Gandalf's Diaries, final par, by Ufthak.
Ataahua's stories
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grammaboodawg
Immortal
Aug 20 2019, 1:58pm
Post #8 of 22
(3169 views)
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Q: How many veggies can a Hobbit carry?
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A: With or without pockets?
Q: How do Hobbits share their veggies?
A: They cut them in halfling.
Q: Why does Sam carry salt on his journey?
A: He wants to be a seasoned traveller.
(have mercy! I just made these up ;)
This is GREAT noWizardme :D THANKS!
We have been there and back again.
TIME Google Calendar
(This post was edited by grammaboodawg on Aug 20 2019, 2:04pm)
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Solicitr
Gondor
Aug 20 2019, 4:58pm
Post #9 of 22
(3167 views)
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Legolas walks into a bar.
Gimli laughs at him and walks under it.
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Lissuin
Valinor
Aug 20 2019, 6:58pm
Post #10 of 22
(3150 views)
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Q. What's it called when the Ringwraiths play a 9-hole round?
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A. Nazgôlf.
Q. If Frodo became a wraith like them, what would they let him play?
A. Mini-gôlf.
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CuriousG
Half-elven
Aug 20 2019, 7:56pm
Post #12 of 22
(3139 views)
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But they get no service. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve miners."
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N.E. Brigand
Half-elven
Aug 20 2019, 10:50pm
Post #13 of 22
(3120 views)
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Not a Tolkien joke but what I thought was a funny Tolkien reference today. Because of TORN's (quite reasonable) policies, I can't get into the specifics, but a commentator who co-hosts a public radio podcast on, shall we say, national legal affairs, shared a "DM" (direct message) exchange he'd had using Twitter with, um, someone who's been in the news over the past few days.
Public figure: "How happy are you now that you get 1000 retweets. Hopeless took"
Public figure: "Tool"
Commentator: "actually I'm a brandybuck"
Treachery, treachery I fear; treachery of that miserable creature.
But so it must be. Let us remember that a traitor may betray himself and do good that he does not intend.
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Discuss Tolkien's life and works in the Reading Room!
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How to find old Reading Room discussions.
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noWizardme
Half-elven
Aug 21 2019, 9:37am
Post #14 of 22
(3119 views)
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"You amaze me Holmes, how did you guess Durin's password so quickly?"
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"Mellon entry, my dear Watson."
~~~~~~
"Go down to the shovel store and take your pick." Traditional prank played on dwarves when they start down the mine.
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noWizardme
Half-elven
Aug 21 2019, 11:56am
Post #15 of 22
(3095 views)
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Why can't balrogs write computer code?
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because Gandalf has cursed them - 'you shall not parse!'
And perhaps also because they melt the keyboard....
~~~~~~
"Go down to the shovel store and take your pick." Traditional prank played on dwarves when they start down the mine.
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noWizardme
Half-elven
Aug 21 2019, 3:20pm
Post #16 of 22
(3082 views)
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How did 'Daddy Twofoot' get his name?
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Because at the time he appears talking to the Gamgees in the Ivy Bush, he was the eldest male member of the Twofoot clan, of course!
Oh? You were expecting a different answer? 
~~~~~~
"Go down to the shovel store and take your pick." Traditional prank played on dwarves when they start down the mine.
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Ataahua
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Aug 21 2019, 8:20pm
Post #18 of 22
(3045 views)
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Celebrimbor: "Pretty rings..."
Dwarves: "Pretty rings..."
Men: "Pretty rings..."
Sauron: "Mine's better."
"Ah, how ironic, the addictive qualities of Sauron’s master weapon led to its own destruction. Which just goes to show, kids - if you want two small and noble souls to succeed on a mission of dire importance... send an evil-minded beggar with them too." - Gandalf's Diaries, final par, by Ufthak.
Ataahua's stories
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SirDennisC
Half-elven
Sep 5 2019, 4:56am
Post #20 of 22
(2649 views)
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A little condescending though it may be -
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there’s the one about the dwarf criminal escaping by climbing down the prison wall...
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CuriousG
Half-elven
Sep 5 2019, 1:21pm
Post #21 of 22
(2601 views)
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That one took me a minute. *applause* //
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