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Kilidoescartwheels
Valinor
Apr 30 2016, 11:07pm
Post #1 of 2
(1893 views)
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River of Denial thread pt. 4? The Quest continues....
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The Quest for the Hair of Durins
Prologue: Eight years ago, a mighty battle was fought to reclaim Erebor for the Sons of Durin. Unfortunately, during that battle King Thorin the Majestic perished, along with his two beloved and oh-so-beautifully coiffured nephews, Fili and Kili – or did they? Returning from visiting the Hobbit, Balin and Gandalf bring word of a rumor both exciting and disturbing: the Hair of Durins survived, and have spent the past eight years hanging out on a party barge with a bunch of par-tei girls, like some kind of hedonistic version of Valhalla. But how could they abandon their kin for such a life – and if they did survive, who’s buried in those tombs??? Balin has summoned a meeting with the surviving members of the Company of Thorin Oakenshield, to discuss the matter and decide what, if anything, can be done about it!
Balin: I’ve called this meeting to inform you of a rumor Gandalf and I heard, suggesting that somehow, Thorin and the lads are still alive! Alive and living on a barge, surrounded by women known as Par-tei girls.
Nori: Who could say such a thing? They weren’t at the funeral, but we were, crying our eyes out!
Gloin: Aye, stuff & nonsense if you ask me.
Balin: I understand that – and I thought as much myself when I first heard it. I thought it was just another “celebrity fakes his death” rumor started by some fans in denial. Happens all the time. But I kept hearing it, over and over again. Everywhere I went, I heard tales of their being seen. Apparently the Par-tei girls have to stop sometimes to restock their stores – food, ale, Dorwinion wine, and most telling, smelting supplies.
Bifur: Smelting supplies? On a barge? That sounds foolish, who would do such a thing?
Balin: Perhaps a young lad with a passion for knives – sound familiar? They apparently do a fair amount of trade with knives, like this one. (Produces a knife) See, just like the kind Fili favored.
Dwalin: (Picks up knife) Aye, it looks like Fili’s, all right. But this could be one of those replicas sold by Weta. That’s hardly proof.
Bofur: Aye, and anyway, trying to forge blades on a barge, you can’t expect me to believe that! Talk about a fire hazard!
Balin: You mean like starting a fire when we’re all up in a tree? A forge on a barge isn’t as hazardous as lighting pinecones in a forest.
Ori: That’s true, and they’d have water to put the fire out with.
Dori: Oh sure, when the boat sinks.
Balin: There’s more than just the knife. This mysterious barge also has three Dwarves on it – one older, two younger. One blonde, two dark-haired. And some women have reported that occasionally, the older one sings. One woman told me the singing was so mesmerizing, she stopped in her tracks, unable to move a muscle before the song was over. And, they have gold, lots of it – Dwarvish gold!
Gloin: I still can’t believe it – Dwarvish gold or no, they’re probably imposters. You know, just some actors hired to play the part.
Bofur: Well that’s possible. I heard about one actor up in Cornwall, rides around on horseback all the time. Famous for shirtless scything, and he bears quite a resemblance to Kili.
Bifur: Aye, you’re right! And there’s that other fellow, the one with the deep voice that’s been filming in Berlin, and ….
Nori: Oh come now, why would ANYONE hire actors to impersonate dead Dwarves?
Balin: I wondered the same thing myself!
Dori: Well, they’re probably after the gold in Erebor. Maybe even want to pass someone off as Thorin, try to take the throne from Dain himself!
Dwalin: (snorts) Good luck with that one.
Balin: I’ve thought all that myself, but if that’s what they’re after, why haven’t they come to the Lonely Mountain?
Bofur: Because there’s enough of us still alive that’d see right through ‘em, that’s why!
Dwalin: Not to mention Dain would chop them into pieces.
Balin: Or there’s another reason. They really ARE the Hair of Durins, and they won’t come here because we’d recognize them as such.
Oin: Did I hear that right? You think they ARE the Hair of Durins?
Balin: Yes I do. It was something Bilbo said. We were reminiscing about Thorin, and the lads, and I mentioned how sorry I felt for Dis, who’d lost all her family. And Bilbo said he’d seen her recently, and that she was quite happy in fact. He said I needn’t feel sorry for her at all.
Dwalin: Bilbo has seen Dis? Where?
Balin: I asked him that very question. At first he stammered a bit, like he couldn’t remember. But I kept pressing for detail, and he finally admitted he met her in Erid Luin.
Oin: Erid Luin! What was he doing there?
Gloin: And how did he find it? There can’t be many Dwarves left in the Blue Mountains – most have come here.
Balin: How indeed! Obviously, someone escorted him. Someone who knows Dis!
Dwalin: (Takes deep breath & exhales slowly) Well, that does raise suspicion. I don’t believe she would be happy, having lost her sons and brother so recently.
Ori: Well, it’s been eight years. Maybe she’s met someone.
Dori: (Rolls eyes) You know nothing of the world! But look, even if she IS happy, that doesn’t explain the funeral. We saw their bodies! We buried them, remember?
Balin: Yes, I remember, but still, Bilbo’s news troubled me greatly. After Gandalf and I left the Shire, we stopped at the Prancing Pony. Gandalf had a few pints, and started talking about this Elf Witch, with tremendous power. He said that she could even cast a spell of illusion, where a person could look at one thing, but see something entirely different.
Gloin: You’re suggesting that those bodies weren’t actually the Hair of Durins? Then who were they?
Balin: Who knows? Could be dead Orcs for all I know. (The Company moans and rejects that idea quickly.) Or maybe some Iron Hills Dwarves made to look like the Hair of Durins.
Ori: But why? Why would they do this, fake their own deaths and walk away?
Balin: There’s only one way to know for sure – we need to find this mysterious party barge. See if they do still live. Then, and only then, will we know for sure.
Bombur: I suppose it’s possible they were kidnapped by those, what did you call them?
Balin: Par-tei girls.
Bombur: Right – maybe those Dwarves are being held against their will!
Bofur: Oh, sure. More than likely they won’t want to be rescued. I know I wouldn’t!
Dwalin: Well, I for one would like to know the truth.
Balin: I hear you, brother. So, you’ll go with me?
Dwalin: Yes, I’ll go. And if it’s true, if the Dwarf on that boat turns out to be Thorin, I’m going to punch him in his perfect teeth! All these years I’ve been feeling guilty about not getting there fast enough to save him, and all this time he’s been living large on a party barge???
Gloin: I can’t imagine why they would do it, IF they are in fact alive. But I’m afraid I can’t go – my wife would be angrier than Dwalin if I went off on another Quest.
Oin: That’s fine, brother, I’ll go. If it’s true, Thorin might need medical attention after Dwalin’s through with him.
Bofur: Well, I like the sound of a party barge, so I’m in!
Ori: I’m willing to go.
Dori: You’ll do no such thing! No brother of mine will be sullied by a bunch of Par-tei girls!
Nori: Speak for yourself! But I was just thinking, we probably don’t want Dain to know about this. Some of us probably should stay behind.
Dwalin: Do you not wish to go?
Nori: Eh, I’ll go if you need me.
Balin: What about you, Bombur?
Bombur: Probably gotten too fat for such a thing. What about you, Bifur?
Bifur: I’ll go, if only to make sure Bofur doesn’t end up passed out under a table somewhere.
Bofur: Well you guys could have woken me up or something!
Balin: Well then, we’ll get going tomorrow. But Nori’s probably right, we shouldn’t tell Dain what we’re up to. Keep it secret; keep it safe.
(I WANT those plushies!  )
Proud member of the BOFA Denial Association
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Elarie
Grey Havens
May 1 2016, 2:05am
Post #2 of 2
(1860 views)
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Bravo!  What a fun idea - "The Search for the Par-tei Barge". Imagine criss-crossing Middle-earth, following the rumors and stories of a legendary boat covered in little colored lights, crewed by strangely dressed females wearing stick-on beards, breath-takingly handsome dwarves, other strangely (and barely) dressed females holding unusual fruit drinks that occassionally explode, and the Queen of All Ponies riding royally in the bow. The villagers, when questioned, will say, "Oh THAT boat. Ay, it came through about three moons ago, it did. Quite a stir it caused, a real nine-day wonder. Very rowdy bunch, I'm sorry to say, very rowdy. After a week or so we gave them 20 barrels of ale and 30 sacks of oats to go away. And they didn't seem surprised at all by the offer, did they? Took it right in their stride, they did, just like it happened every day. No, we don't know where they went, do we? They just went and that's good enough for us. If they're friends of yours I reckon you might try the villages south of here. Famous for their wine, you know, just the sort of place folks like that are liable to drop anchor. No doubt you'll be anxious to catch up with them, and we'll be right happy to show you the trail and get you on your way..no need to linger here."
And so the rumors - and the search - continue...
__________________
Gold is the strife of kinsmen,
and fire of the flood-tide,
and the path of the serpent.
(This post was edited by Elarie on May 1 2016, 2:10am)
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