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The One Ring Forums: Tolkien Topics: Fan Art:
Thranduil's Very Secret Diary Part One
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Feb 9 2016, 6:00pm

Post #126 of 190 (3260 views)
Okay, even I gotta admit it [In reply to] Can't Post

That middle pic of Thranduil is HAWT!!!
But my Heart still belongs to his #Majesty!

Proud member of the BOFA Denial Association


Feb 9 2016, 6:01pm

Post #127 of 190 (3258 views)
Even Shelob is heading for cover over this... [In reply to] Can't Post

Not sure if any of Middle Earth will be left, after the DISPUTE breaks when the piñata bursts. Then again, considering all the fermented fruit drinks being passed around...

You know, Thorin IS a great king. #Majestic. Certainly intelligent, and was trained for many years in the ART of DIPLOMACY. But it's a pity Balin wasn't there when Thorin decided to slip an extra little prize into the piñata (but Thorin was rushing to get to Minty, so perhaps his thoughts were OCCUPIED and he just didn't think it throughShocked).


Feb 9 2016, 6:35pm

Post #128 of 190 (3250 views)
I'm still laughing over the DELICIOUS DETAILS [In reply to] Can't Post


Found the perfect tiara for Minty in the bling pile. As soon as the lanky Fang-gir-iell finishes brushing her and polishing her hooves I will put it on her myself. The lanky girl has seemed a little nervous around Minty lately for some reason and so I made it a point to make her responsible for all of Minty’s upkeep, since there’s no better way to get over a fear of horses than to be around them and learn their ways. Minty, of course, is such a darling that a toddler could take care of her, so I’m not worried about it - it will do the girl good to gain some confidence and maybe help her to overcome her shyness.

OMG. LaughLaughLaugh

Minty of course has a *rosy glow* hitherto only previously observed haloing about a certain lowly Sylvan elfAngelic, from the additional exercise. Thorin, however, has noted that the walls of her stall seem to have acquired a lot of cracks and splinters, and he has ascertained that Minty is somewhat unhappy with the plain pine boards. His #Majesty has sent a note to Beorn, requesting new carved panels (of course crafted from reclaimed wood or environmentally sustainable sources.)

In return, Thorin has offered Ravenhill to Beorn as a summer home. Balin suggested that Thorin should at least notify Dain about Ravenhill being used as a timeshareShocked, but Thorin tossed his hair back and stepped over a few prostrate Fang-gir-iells. He was humming to himself "I wanna live with a cinnamon girl...I could be happy, the rest of my life, with a CINNAMON GIRL"....

His #Majesty pointed out that 1)His cousin loves him; 2)Beorn is a WAR HERO and is anyone in ME seriously going to argue with him?; and 3)Who's the king around here anyway?

Right on, agreed Fili, irritated that he couldn't find a place to tuck in his 114th knife.

Balin is currently still attempting to come to terms with the Partei-Girls, so he couldn't rally the strength to argue. Cool

And now, for the DAILY MEDITATIONHeart:

Of course, fight it as he will, there's a reason Thranduil so oft looks to the MountainTongue:

Just more proof that there IS, in fact, a benevolent being of some sort who
every once in while, gives us a peek of HEAVEN.TongueCoolLaugh


Feb 9 2016, 6:52pm

Post #129 of 190 (3245 views)
ROFLMAO [In reply to] Can't Post

*wipes eyes* you have outdone yourself!LaughLaughLaughHeartHeartHeart

My heart BROKE for Thranduil, it really didCool. Thousands of years of SERENITY, and within months he's had to re-furbish his dungeon (tho it WAS an opportunity to add LED lighting and a new sound system), completely re-order his orchid collection, ban any importation or growing of legumes throughout his realm, been sworn at by a *hairy square*, had some uncomfortable emotional moments, pay a horrendous vet bill to Radagast for his elk (*sniff*), had to actually SPEND TIME around HUMANS OMG, and now his son has let him down!Shocked

Yes, it is most fortunate that Thranduil has discovered coffee.



Feb 9 2016, 6:56pm

Post #130 of 190 (3242 views)
Well, you know, it's like a BOX of CHOCOLATES... [In reply to] Can't Post

I eat the tiramisu. And the white chocolate raspberry, the peanut cup. But I save the dark chocolate sea salt caramel for last.CoolTongue


Feb 10 2016, 3:45am

Post #131 of 190 (3219 views)
Thank you! Galion is taking on a life of his own! [In reply to] Can't Post

He's fun Smile I'd have given a lot to see a Balrog Bits drunk Thranduil trying to bite Galion and then trying to play 'peek a boo' with the hankie .. LOL! But Galion is faithful and loves his king which is his greatest quality Smile

NO idea what Lego is going to do at the moment, I think he needs to do some serious grovelling to his father AngelicEvilWink Or get out of town. Or maybe Thranduil has other plans *HEAVY HINT* Sly

(This post was edited by Nieriel on Feb 10 2016, 3:53am)


Feb 10 2016, 3:48am

Post #132 of 190 (3218 views)
Aww thank you! [In reply to] Can't Post

Poor Thranduil, he needs some luck, he's not had a very good time of it lately - I am foreseeing some manner of addiction to Coffee - but not Coffee with Thorin's face in it .. can you imagine the fuss he'd make? Wink

The vet consultation with Radagast could make interesting reading Wink

(This post was edited by Nieriel on Feb 10 2016, 3:54am)


Feb 10 2016, 3:55am

Post #133 of 190 (3217 views)
It's late afternoon and it's FLUFF time [In reply to] Can't Post

In the afternoon on the Partei-Barge, several Fang-gir-iells were fluttering around Kili in the forge area. The modest Partei-Barge forges had become a kind of gathering place for the Company, and along with the ever-present warm fires, there was always the possibility of the bonus of one of the Durins working metals there (faces gleaming with damp sweat, and all that fluffy royal dwarf hair). The Fang-gir-iells were gently removing the clasps to Kili’s ermine trimmed velvet cloak, unstrapping the shimmering armor, brushing dirt from the fine dragon-skin boots.

The handsome prince smiled winsomely at the helpful women. These Fang-gir-iells were SO accomplished; they spoke multiple languages and knew more about the line of Durin than he did himself! Kili pulled a bit of parchment from his tunic, as the women patted perspiration from him with soft cloths scented with sandalwood. “How does this sound?” he asked anxiously "Sevig thû úan! I want to impress her – after all, Valentine’s Day comes soon!”

Oh, yes, your Sindarin is PERFECT assured the helpful Fang-gir-iells. You must immediately greet her with those words, the Elvish language is SO romantic. And our research in the Appendices indicates that in Sylvan elf culture, keep in mind that regular belching is a sign of respect (I can do that! beamed Kili) and to indicate your admiration of warrior skills, you must pat her behind when you meet. Just like you would pat your pony. She will particularly appreciate this knowledge of her own elf culture.

And of course, you MUST tell her that she reminds you of the most graceful plump deer, tho she could use a great rack up on top. So a Wonder Bra is JUST the thing. And look, you can use this *little card* - being a prince and all, you got the MITHRIL version and can collect *eagle miles* - and send a present via this On Crow Shopping that’s guaranteed to arrive on time!

“Do you think she would like 99 pink, red, and white roses and this mithril bracelet set with *flawless* diamonds and emeralds, that would go so well with her eyes?” asked Kili breathlessly, pointing at a picture in the On Crow catalog. “Or, maybe this recurve bow, carved of reclaimed exotic woods, inlaid with mithril and the finest black opals set in a pattern of stars? Only five will ever be made, they can’t get the stones to do more!”

“Oh, no,” exclaimed the Fang-gir-iells. “That is so BORING! Everyone does that kind of thing! You want something memorable! Look, here, you can get a six-pack of delectable preserved MEAT that not only travels well, but she can use the cans later for her jewelry and arrowheads and stuff! It shows you are SENSITIVE to her lifestyle and it’s the gift she can keep forever! So it’s a double gift! And perhaps this completely painted art sculpture of a frog, that will *magically croak* when she walks by?

“And ladies love it when you pay attention to THEIR needs, and kindly point out where they could do just a bit better! Here’s a soft auburn pencil she can use for that embarrassing lack of facial hair (the tip is self-sharpening!), and a Wonder Bra – you know how shy our Fan-sister is about her little problem. You know, the one that keeps to herself all the time.”

“Well,” Kili said kindly, his rich dark eyes full of compassion. (The Fang-gir-iells around him, overcome, pressed their clasped hands to the chests of their cork-festooned summer barbecue outfits.) “Her hands ARE something to see, for a woman, but I think I see a hint of nice fuzziness around her jawline. Hur, hur, I suppose I should talk…”

The prince was instantly assured that to have a heavy beard, for HIM, would compete with the SPARKLE in his GORGEOUS deep amber eyes. Besides, with age, Kili had an entire blanket of facial hair like Oin’s and Balin’s to look forward to. In the meantime, they could show him a better way to spend his time, than struggling with a lot of beard beads. And isn’t it time for the daily revealing of the tattoo?

As has been observed, the Fang-gir-iells weren’t stupid. A lot of them owned pieces of parchment with fancy borders that had writing with lots of elaborate letters and periods. And competition was a constant among the Fang-gir-iells. It was a dwarf thing. So far, HARMONY was preserved on the Partei-barge, thanks to an uneasy peace kept in place by Thorin and Minty’s infatuation with each other. It didn’t pay to try to distract Thorin, either. Because Minty had quite a long reach, and few meaningful pawings at the deck boards with a hoof, a few tossed head movements, a few episodes of flattened ears, and the Fang-gir-iells got the message.

You only had to look at the height that lanky Fang-girl-iell achieved when she tried to clean Minty’s stall. Minty had inexplicably mischievously targeted the poor thing, and would wait to deposit her copious “gifts” until the very last second, when her stall was ALMOST clean. Minty kicked. She bit. She’d trap the girl against the wall of her stall and just RUB. Minty would show her big horsy teeth and snort into the Fang-gir-iell’s hair. (Bilbo said that reminded him of “that disgusting troll, with all the slobber”).

The Fang-gir-iells would make bets on how long their fellow bargemate would stay in the stall, before doing one of her signature leaps over the side, and then come crashing down in her poorly-fitted heavy boots. The Fang-gir-iells didn’t feel sorry for her. They figured that since this was Middle Earth, and with talking birds and livestock that could serve you lunch, that Minty probably knew something they didn’t. And the competitive Fang-gir-iells also figured it was one less of their number that they would have to dump over the side, eventually. All is fair in love and war.

One of the Fang-gir-iells was spending a lot of time studying the nuances of tattoo removal, and considering writing a letter to Elrond, as he was considered the greatest healer in Middle Earth. She also needed advice on how to promote the growth of her own facial hair. Because, she thought, as the future Mrs. Kili, any artwork on HER man was going to be about HER. The Fang-gir-iell thoroughly appreciated the mountain king’s attitude toward SHARING.

Oh, Thorin might be feeling generous at the moment. All knew that the Mountain King was GOOD to his bevy of besotted admirers (what’s wrong with being obsessed, Thorin would #Majestically purr in his most deep midnight velvet tones.) But try absconding with a bottle of that collector edition “Erebor Nights Special Dark” that was kept in Thorin’s cabin under lock and key (as the Partei-girls were always up for anything). You’d find yourself being invited to spend the winter keeping company with Dain’s battle boars and the war-goats.

And you’d be spending winter in the barns, too. A long, COLD mountain winter. Dain was a big believer in his soldiers bonding with their war animals. Of course, Dain’s personal ride had her own little carved teak bed with silk cushions in his chambers. Most often, due to the trauma of the battle injury she had suffered, the war-pig simply slept with Dain in his bed for comfort. (Radagast had taken one look at Dain’s fiery hair, tusked beard jewelry, and war hammer, and hastened to heal the battle-wounded pig, free of charge. Especially after Dain’s pointed comments along the lines of “Eejit! Did ye not ken me cousin as ye flew over yon craw-tower, and not think t’offer aid? Ye claim to be magic, but that Galadriel is a fair lass, and knows wot she’s aboot! Yir aff yir heid...")

HARMONY was also preserved on the Partei-Barge, so far, by Fili’s more or less single-minded interest in both metalworking, cartography, and the ART of WAR. On days when Thorin, who was generally fearless (after all, not much could disturb one who had not panicked (much) when standing on a dragon-snout) had not sampled the latest flaming concoction of the Partei-Girls, Thorin wondered if he should be concerned about Fili.

But then again, there was something WARMING about watching his golden nephew work a forge with such concentration. (As for the episodes of belligerence, and wearing so many knives and axes that Fili would occasionally cause the barge to lisp under a light load, well, that was properly DWARFY, too. As the future ruler of Erebor, Fili would command respect).

But the sight of Fili, partly clad in the afternoon Barbecue outfit of white and cream and silver, with his lush waves of rich hair coiling about his face, framing those lovely cornflower blue eyes – the Fang-gir-iells had never seen the Durins in cream and white before today. So the ladies were finding the sight of the golden prince at the forge to be WARMING, too.

It was the white dragonskin boots that did it. Combined with seeing Fili in a blue slubbed silk under-tunic, arms casually rolled up, that flash of SKIN at his neck. They could see the play of muscles under the shirt. It was glorious. Fili was at first oblivious as the room slowly became more quiet (Fili could be much like his uncle at times). The golden prince was too busy honing an edge on a gleaming knife (with a hilt richly set with jewels) for the evening festivities. Fili was holding the knife to the light, frowning in concentration. But Fili and Kili had long traveled the wilds with their uncle, and faced many dangers. Silence could be its own warning. And Fili was a flash point.

Fili looked at the cork-clad Partei-Girl near him, who was offering him a clean polishing cloth, but staring at a Fang-gir-iell across an anvil from her, whose eyes were wide with innocence. When Fili looked over to Kili in that brotherly non-verbal communication of theirs, baffled, the Fang-girl-iell mouthed something VERY impolite to the Partei-Girl. This Fang-gir-iell was proud of her training in languages. And presumably, the Partei-Girl would not have been expected to speak Spanish. Or say anything that didn’t use one-syllable words. Except that this Partei-Girl’s ancestors were from a country where Spanish was the native tongue.

The Partei-Girl went over the anvil so fast at the Fang-gir-iell, even Thranduil’s battle-elves would have been impressed. Expletives in multiple languages scorched the air, as battle between instantly chosen factions was joined. Long-suppressed tensions rejoiced in their sudden freedom.

The Fang-gir-iells surrounding Kili were particularly annoyed, as Kili had just about finalized his list of presents under their guidance, and now all their careful suggestions might go to waste! For Fili and Kili, (who had seen any number of herd animals struggle for dominance at certain seasons), knew well enough to simply step back, and push a few barrels between themselves and the bodies rolling about on the floor. Besides, they both had seen the destroyed second ballroom at Erebor. It had been a surprise to them that apparently dwarrowdams could toss an axe that high.

As Thorin had explained, never show favoritism when dealing with females. Kili was particularly guilty at this point, but comforted himself with the thought that, like Minty, Tauriel was DIFFERENT. So that made it OK. Kili couldn’t wait to get a raven and put in his On Crow order. He’d decided to go for the can of Spray-On Hair instead of the soft pencil.

It was probably for the best that Thorin was out #Majestically greeting arriving guests. Thorin was careful to step over those who lay limp in the grass at the vision of dark espresso hair and azure eyes, against the fine creamy fabrics of His Royal Afternoon Dress. He looks like a hot fudge sundae, and I just LOVE ice cream, exclaimed one Fang-Gir-iell. Balin, resplendent in his own tasteful layers of summer whites, looked askance at the Fang-Gir-iell as she shoved her whole head into a barrel of piled mountain snow. The snow had been drizzled with coffee liquor. Balin was grimly thinking it was a good thing Thorin’s sister wasn’t here. As well as Dori.

Fili and Kili ducked as a pair of fire tongs flew overhead, and Kili continued showing Fili all the wonders that could be had from On Crow shopping. “What do you think, there’s this table fountain that has this soothing trickle of water, and it lights up with all these pretty colors? It would help uncle to RELAX.”

Fili shook his head “I dunno, he IS the Lord of Silver Fountains,” he shouted as a rack of tools crashed over. A Partei-Girl and a Fang-gir-iell staggered by, clutching each others’ hair and screaming about each other’s mothers. “But that’s the thing, Thorin’s used to fountains on a grand scale. And there’s plenty aboard who’d love to help Thorin relax, hur hur. I can hear them whimper as we walk by. Is there a way to set up credit with this On Crow shopping?”

So engrossed were the handsome brothers in their conversation that they paid little attention to the rivulets of flame that occasionally shot up from the floorboards. In any case, there were so many women rolling around that tiny fires were constantly being lit from flying sparks, but then put out as the ladies rolled over them. Clouds of soot filled the air. The dwarves were unfazed, as this was pretty typical when INTENSE forge work was being carried out. Dwarf lungs are specially adapted, and creative disputes weren’t uncommon, either.

But Oin had come to the Partei-Barge in order to have a lie-down in a deck chair after consuming too much Balrog Bacon. The stuff seemed to be everywhere, and it was SO addictive. It was the honey-roasted flavor that did it. Oin had eaten an entire bucket along with a “Burglar Bomb” chased with a “Mithril Monster”. So Oin didn’t appreciate being awakened by the rocking barge – he needed to be fully recovered for the evening festivities!

And if dwarves know how to START fires, and work in fire, they also know how to put them out. If Oin squinted, he could see the royal lads through the smoke and the howling banshees, rocking easily with the sloshing barge and carrying on as though naught was amiss. Mahal, thought Oin. Typical. Just like in Ered Luin, when the dwarrowdams started fighting in that bakery over who got to give Fili and Kili free donuts.

But all dwarf forges have water. Lots of water. A certain dragon had learned that the hard way. Oin calmly moved to the small room next to the forges area and selected a lever. He pulled it down.

The cascade of icy, extremely stagnant, foul orange-ish water effectively put an end to the enflam’d emotions in the forges room. There was never much point in flushing the Barge’s “emergency fire fountain system” as for this purpose, water was water. So it didn’t matter if the water, held in closed tanks for so long, had evolved its own interesting life forms over the months of river travel. Fili and Kili had avoided a drenching by carefully positioning themselves when the battle had been enjoined. A good thing, too. Dragon-skin boots were hard to come by, especially white ones.

“All right, ladies.” Oin was holding his sleeve over his nose. “Everyone into the river, saving your Royal Highnesses, of course. Immediately.” The women hung their heads. Many had had corks jauntily glued to their afternoon barbecue outfits. The corks bobbed forlornly in the pools of fetid liquid on the floor. A blackened “I LUV HOT DWARVES” button was bent beyond recognition. The women slightly resembled Galadriel in her seaweed outfit. But not much.

Oin sighed. It was going to be a LONG afternoon. Normally seeing a line of women outside his examining room would have caused him to break into song (at least later – one had to keep one’s dignity as a healer). But these women smelled like the dribblings left behind by that fire drake. Years of corrosion and the Valar knew what else.

Fili and Kili were the last to make their way out of the forges room, their white dragon-skin boots squishing the sad corks flat as they walked. “What about a bottle of beard wash?” asked Kili.

Fili smiled at his handsome brother as he waved a hand in front of his face, and coughed lightly. His golden wavy hair shone in the afternoon light. Ori would have cried, to capture that image. “Tell you what – tomorrow we'll get together and make a list, and do a joint order. We’d better get something for Minty, too, and Ori and Balin and Oin. Right now, let’s check out our Evening Barbecue armor. I just hope there’s enough places for my weapons. Remember our GLORIOUS BATTLE CHARGE? I never told you, but I just felt SO underdressed. I’m never going anywhere again, without a FULL complement of throwing knives.”



Feb 10 2016, 4:20am

Post #134 of 190 (3211 views)
LOL! Beautiful stuff! [In reply to] Can't Post

“How does this sound?” he asked anxiously "Sevig thû úan! I want to impress her – after all, Valentine’s Day comes soon!”

Absolutely, Kili - that particular phrase would melt the heart of any Elf Wink Why doesn't he have it embroidered onto a t-shirt for Tauriel and really make his feelings known? WinkSlyEvil I don't know any girl wouldn't like several tins of Spam too ... Evil Spray on hair? Perfect! Another phrase Kili might want to have on hand is ''Llie n'vanima ar’ lle atara lanneina" it would be a tasteful accompaniment to a bottle of beard wash CoolCoolCool


Feb 10 2016, 5:30am

Post #135 of 190 (3206 views)
Gratuitous Thranduil picture [In reply to] Can't Post

Because he's worth it Wink Especially when he looks casual and a bit 'undone' compared to his usual restrained look. Heart


Grey Havens

Feb 10 2016, 2:19pm

Post #136 of 190 (3191 views)
Oh my goodness [In reply to] Can't Post

Once again, laughing out loud in my morning tea Laugh

We all knew it was coming - that simmering, sub-surface tension between Fang-("We're the REAL fans")-gir-iells and the Par-tei ("Where are the men?") Girls has finally exploded. And just in time for the Barbecue. Shocked After all, it was the Fang-gir-iells who were plying Thorin with healthful vegetables and fruit juice until the Par-tei Girls showed up with their little umbrella "special' fruit juice drinks, all those long months ago. Obviously the resentment never completely died out. Evil

And who knew those jealous Fang-gir-iells could be so naughty to poor Kili? He needs his big brother to start paying less attention to knife sharpening and more attention to the bitter court rivalries hidden behind honeyed words and false smiles - a future king needs to know this stuff!

So great - thank you for making me laugh first thing in the morning! Laugh


Gold is the strife of kinsmen,
and fire of the flood-tide,
and the path of the serpent.

(Old Icelandic Fe rune poem)


Feb 10 2016, 5:10pm

Post #137 of 190 (3185 views)
Luv gratuitous pics! [In reply to] Can't Post


Now I gotta get to the store and get some SPAM, so I can make some evening barbecue decorations....

A celebration of such magnificence deserves the BEST, but the Partei-Girls ran off with the the ice sculptures....CoolAngelic


Feb 10 2016, 5:30pm

Post #138 of 190 (3185 views)
It was bound to happen... [In reply to] Can't Post

We all knew it was coming - that simmering, sub-surface tension between Fang-("We're the REAL fans")-gir-iells and the Par-tei ("Where are the men?") Girls has finally exploded. And just in time for the Barbecue. Shocked After all, it was the Fang-gir-iells who were plying Thorin with healthful vegetables and fruit juice until the Par-tei Girls showed up with their little umbrella "special' fruit juice drinks, all those long months ago. Obviously the resentment never completely died out. Evil

LOL. Too much heat. Too much confinement. TOO MUCH HAIRTongue.

But it's the DWARF WAY to blow off some tension, and the AURA of the DURINS will soon permeate the fevered brains
of even the most rabid of the Partei-Girls. Peace again will descend on the barge.

Coincidence? I think not.

Meanwhile, as the royal princes look over their evening barbecue outfits, Fili is trying to convince
Kili that Tauriel really would have no use for:

All those spiky forest thorns would make short work of this. Although the Partei-Girls
are examining the possibilities of filling it with FRUIT DRINKS. So convenient when one
is on the go, and leaving your hands free means you can grab more Balrog Bacon!

Fili did concede, tho, that the lipstick flask might be a winner.

I want one.LaughTongueEvil


Feb 11 2016, 1:05am

Post #139 of 190 (3166 views)
And one more *gratuitous* pic... [In reply to] Can't Post

Because there's no such thing as too much Thorin....


Love these artists who call this kind of thing a "quick" doodle or speed-paint, and I can't
draw a straight line. Tho I suppose the Burglar Bombs aren't helping...Evil


Feb 11 2016, 9:53pm

Post #140 of 190 (3134 views)
Memories from the River of Denial and Thorin's diary entries - entertaining further reading to one and all [In reply to] Can't Post

It has been suggested that links to the first parts of Thorin's diary, as well as some previous River of Denial sailings, be collected in one post to the enjoyment of old and new River travelers and occasional tourists
alike, so here is a list of recommended reading. Tongue Many of these threads also offer cartoons, art, news, photos, and other kinds of excellent proof for the survival of the Durins Cool with just a handful reposted here.

1) Thorin's diary of his trip to Erebor (at least, the bits that he remembers)

2) At the source of the River, testing the waters and preparing to set sail... (River posts in between posts on the actual topic of the thread Tongue).

(photo credit: swordwhale)

3) Sail on!

(photo credit: swordwhale)

4) The River of Denial discussions part deux - UUTs, alternative endings, and speculating on those LOGIC GAPS

(photo credit: swordwhale)

5) Epilogue (for those familar with the River of Denial) to "The truth is out there ... somewhere"

(photo credit: Avandel)

6) Thorin's Diary of His Trip Down the River of Denial: Part 1

7) Thorin's Diary of His Trip Down the River of Denial: Part 2

(photo credit: Avandel)

Now I'm off to re-read the Epilogue and the first parts of Thorin's diary... Cool Any drifters, sailors, kayakers, swimmers, divers and partiers, join in! Tongue

(This post was edited by Ilmatar on Feb 11 2016, 10:05pm)
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Feb 11 2016, 10:22pm

Post #141 of 190 (3123 views)
This is all wonderful! [In reply to] Can't Post

Thank you for posting, Ilmatar!! Heart


Feb 11 2016, 11:03pm

Post #142 of 190 (3117 views)
OMG - I forgot all this - LOL! [In reply to] Can't Post

THANK YOU! Lovely summaryHeart - Hey, I am going to re-read some of this too! Cool

Terrific jobSmile


Feb 12 2016, 2:12am

Post #143 of 190 (3109 views)
Gratuitous art #2 [In reply to] Can't Post

LOL I can't stop....

artist unknown - from Thorin Escudo de Roble FB



T & T are such perfect art subjects.Heart


Feb 12 2016, 7:35am

Post #144 of 190 (3093 views)
The Elven faction and I [In reply to] Can't Post

find this very amusing TongueEvilWink


Grey Havens

Feb 12 2016, 8:28pm

Post #145 of 190 (3071 views)
Thorin's Diary, Part VI The Barbecue [In reply to] Can't Post

Thorin’s Diary, Part VI
The Barbecue

4:30 pm Barbecue off to a good start but the poorly dressed Elf King seems to have disappeared back to his tent, sulking no doubt.

4:45 Don’t see the boys anywhere, but the Par-tei boat is rocking wildly and there’s smoke coming out. Sent the Burglar to investigate

5:00 All is well. Burglar reports it’s just a brawl between the Fang-gir-iells and the Par-tei girls down in the forge. Balin sorted it out and I had a word with Fili and Kili about ignoring guests. I’m afraid I had to scowl at them, which is always tough on Kili. And they’ve gotten their boots dirty already. Boys.

5:20 The elves are starting to drift over from their little tent city, and they’ve brought plate after plate of lightly steamed peas and carrots and a cart load of wine. I thought it was a nice diplomatic gesture until I realized they brought it all for themselves. Typical.

5:25 Minty ate the peas and carrots. Trying not to laugh.

5:30 The Lady Beekeepers are doing a wonderful business, with everyone (except the elves) contributing to the cause and wearing their yellow flower corsages and boutonnieres. The Elderly Giant Bees will have a nice retirement home.

5:45 Just now noticed that Gandalf is here, eating everything in sight and calling for “just a little red wine” every few minutes. Well, well, maybe he’ll do some fireworks for us. As long as they don’t set off those beacon lighting people it should be fine.

6:00 Place is getting crowded - really, I don’t know half of these people.

6:10 Odd. A short rumpled man in bare feet has shown up with something called a “camera crew”. Perhaps Cam-e-ra is the name of his boat? I mistook him for a hobbit at first but I was wrong - not quite enough foot hair.

6:15 Shades of Slaughtered Orcs - I was hoping she wouldn’t come, but here she is, the Elf Witch has shown up to spoil the party. And the Burglar ran up to greet her and presented her with a corsage made from her own flowers. She doesn’t look happy.

So far, so good. Gandalf came up to say hello and the crazy elf queen was so pleased to see him that she took the corsage with only the slightest flicker of green and black across her face. The Burglar is beaming and going through his “I’m an Elf Friend, can I sit with you?” routine, so the coffee machine is currently unattended.

6:30 The odd little barefoot man has started setting up strange metal poles and boxes and is giving orders to everyone, including my own people. This will not do.

6:31 Confronted the barefooted one, asked him what he was doing. He said, “Hang on, Thorin we’re not ready for you yet”. I scowled deeply and asked him who he thought he was. He said, “I’m the director”. Well, I know not of what he directs, but I take orders from no shoeless peasant and I let him know it with the standard Durin expression of contempt - I folded my arms across my chest, glared at him down my perfect nose, strolled slowly around him (all Durins learn to do this as soon as they can walk) and said, “So! This is the Director. He looks more like a production assistant” and walked haughtily away as my crew dutifully laughed. I thought I heard some muttering behind me about “actors” whatever they be, but I paid it no mind.

7:00 The little colored lights on the Dimrill Stair are starting to glow and people are strolling up to the top and enjoying the view. Must remind the boys not to go up there in their mithril until well after sunset. Lots of drinking going on but so far so good. The Par-tei girls seem to have had some trouble with their strange Par-tei armor which appears to be missing some bits, but they are keeping the Gondor fellow and the Rider of Rohan entertained like good hostesses and seem to have persuaded some of the elves to try their Flame and Shadow drinks. The Burglar is looking worried and has returned to warming up the coffee machine.

7:10 Just spotted a couple of Fang-gir-iells sneaking into the Moria gate. Tried to head them off but was too late. They’re up to something.

7:15 Time to track down the boys and change into our evening armor

7:45 Very successful, if I do say so myself. Naturally we’re all in the finest mithril armor ever made, elegantly engraved and inlaid with 24K gold and the finest gems ever mined in Middle Earth. Kili’s armor is embellished with rubies, of course, which suits his dark coloring, while Fili chose a suit with emeralds and a generous amount of gold the same shade as his hair, and I, naturally, am wearing the world famous Armor of Durin the Deathless, with it’s 700 perfect sapphires (100 for each of the dwarf kingdoms), all of which are the exact same color as my eyes. Our mithril boots are fairly simple, with just a smattering of tiny diamonds as a highlight, and our dress evening weapons (swords for Kili and me, knives for Fili) are of the finest triple forged, hand folded mithril with jeweled handles and matching sheaths. Our evening cloaks are once again of cloth-of-mithril, but this time interwoven with rainbow silk from the Eastern Lands and embroidered with thousands of tiny, almost invisible but perfectly faceted diamonds sewn into patterns on the cloaks - ravens, axes, hammers, wild boars and above them all, the Crown of Durin, with each diamond reflecting the colors of the silk next to it, making a really lovely overall effect of a curtain of shimmering rainbows all glowing with an inner light as the embroidered patterns flicker in and out of sight.

As a final touch, we are all three wearing mithril crowns this evening: Kili is wearing The Prince’s Blood crown, with it’s great cabochon ruby and intricate gold tracery of runes and stars; Fili chose the famous Emerald Wings, with its seven huge, matchless emeralds each supported by a golden raven in flight; and I will be wearing the incomparable Light of Durin, made of mithril forged and polished by secret arts in the elder days to such a degree of perfection that it absorbs all light and then sends it out again independently of any other light source. Only the Arkenstone itself can outshine it, which makes it particularly suitable for evening wear.

As for Balin, Oin and Ori, they all threw on some mithril outerwear, and we’ve gathered up some trinkets for the girls - hair clips, brooches, bracelets, etc. and a nice mithril pony blanket for Minty so I guess we’re ready.

Time to go see what Thranduil is wearing.

7:47 Loud thuds from the Fang-gir-iells as the Durins emerge from their dressing room. I wish they would get over that. Someone could get stepped on in this crowd. All except one - the lanky girl took one look at us and started to cry. Poor thing. Note to self - make sure she gets plenty of extra time with Minty as a special treat.

7:50 Thranduil arrived in his evening wear. Really, Thranny - Gold Lame’? And that old necklace you made such a fuss about back at Erebor? Embarrassing.

7:55 Loud explosion, almost scared the whinny out of poor Minty. Turned out to be something called a ‘piñata’ - a sort of hollow toy filled with sweets which you hang up and hit with a stick until it bursts. It sounds harmless, and the Par-tei Girls gave the first whack to the elf who is going to be in the Elf Kissing Booth (probably with some ulterior motive on their part) but not knowing that the Fang-gir-iells had hidden a jar of Balrog Boom inside it. One good thump and the thing blew itself to smithereens and now the elf and the Par-tei girls are covered in a sort of sweet, alcohol-soaked goo. The Fang-gir-iells are rolling on the ground laughing, but the Par-tei Girls are thankfully taking it all in good part, licking the goo off their fingers and planning a new drink recipe called “The Candy Boom”. The elf, however, doesn’t look happy and he doesn’t have time to change before his booth opens at 8.

Well, well, what’s a party without a few laughs?

8:00pm One of the highlights of the evening, so I’ve been told, is the Elf/Dwarf Kiss-off which starts now. The second heir-to-throne, who is looking very princely in his royal evening armor, is doing the honors for Dwarfdom while the gooey, sticky elf is representing Elfdom.

8:10 Fang-gir-iells are in the dwarf booth line, upholding the honor of Dwarfdom, and the Par-tei Girls are in both lines with their scorecards, all as planned. Quite an audience has gathered and the Elf’s stickiness doesn’t seem to be hurting his business at all, in fact some of the Par-tei Girls are giving him extra points for it. Not looking good for dwarfdom at the moment.

8:20 The Fang-gir-iells are giving steady business to the Second-heir-to-the-throne, but the general consensus is that the elf is pulling ahead.

8:25 Something is up - the Fang-gir-iells keep whispering and looking toward the Moria gate. My finely honed battle instincts are telling me that a plot is afoot.

8:45 Shades of Durin’s Perfect Teeth - Now that I’ve stopped laughing long enough to write, I have say the Fang-gir-iells, bless their little fake beards, have outdone themselves with a battle strategy to make any Dwarf Lord proud. While all eyes were on the two contestants and their eager customers (lots of casual judging and betting going on, by the way, and many impromptu discussions about technique, enthusiasm and stamina) a couple of Fang-gir-iells coaxed Kevin, The-Last-Dark-And-Nameless-Thing-At-The-Root-Of-The-Mountain, out of his cave, placed a gold coin in each of his tentacles, and put him in line at the Elf Booth. I never thought anything could make me feel sorry for an elf but I was wrong. The look on the gooey elf’s face when Kevin shuffled up to the counter and threw his gold coins in the dish was a sight I will take with me to the Halls of Waiting. The Kevin-Thing puckered up, wrapped his slimy tentacles around the elf, and really got his money’s worth, then apparently realizing that there was more to this elf than just elfishness, he started licking off the piñata goo, leaving a nice layer of slime in its place. This went on to much cheering from the crowd until the poor elf’s colleagues finally forced their way through and, after wrapping their hands in dainty lace handkerchiefs, pulled the now catatonic Kissing Elf away from the lonely monster and propped him up against the cliff to recover. The Fang-gir-iells are rolling on the ground laughing, the crowd is drinking toasts to the sticky hero, and the Par-tei Girls have already started composing a song about it.

The Dwarf Booth wins by default, but due to popular demand will stay open until 11 as planned.

9:00 Spent a few minutes chatting with the Gondor fellow and Rohan Rider - Golden Halls and Silver Towers. Interesting.

9:20 Loud explosions, but this time it’s Gandalf and the Elf Witch, sitting on the dock with their feet in the water, laughing and drinking Burglar Bombs. Gandalf is sending up fireworks shaped like big red eyeballs and the Elf Witch is blasting them with her magic. Much cheering from party guests.

9:30 Little barefoot guy came over and started tugging at my sleeve and going on and on about “lighting checks” and “schedules”. I shook him off and was about to help myself to a Mithril Monster at the bar when he changed his tactics and started coaxing me and saying that he had devised a lighting system especially for mithril and if I stood in exactly the right spot he could make me shine ‘like a dwarf lord clothed in the sun’ or some such thing. Sounds intriguing.

9:40 A new twist suddenly - the Elf Queen is in line at the dwarf kissing booth with a tankard in one hand and a bag of gold coins in the other. Did not see that coming.

9:45 Shades of Durin’s Bones - Dis is here and she’s dragging Kili away from the Kissing Booth by his ear.

9:46 Now the Elf Queen is protesting - says she didn’t stand in line for nothing and she wants her kiss. Just called Dis a hairy little spoilsport. My finely honed battle instincts are telling me to run away.

9:47 Hard words are being exchanged between the two royal females. This is not going to end well.

9:48 The Elf Witch just looked down her nose at Dis and said, “Do you know who I am? I am GALADRIEL, THE LADY OF THE GOLDEN WOOD!” Dis merely snorted contemptuously in fine Durin style. I’m pretty sure I know what’s coming next.

9:49 I was right. Dis, like any good Durin, crossed her arms over her chest (quite an achievement, actually), tilted her head back and glared down her perfect nose, then strolled slowly around the Elf Witch and said, “So. This is the Elf Queen. She looks more like a Christmas Tree Topper” setting off much loyal laughter from the dwarf contingent, but now the elves are glaring and the Elf Witch is starting to glow and turn green and black. Here we go again.

9:50 Mayhem. I knew we never should have invited elves.

The Elf Witch is throwing a first class tantrum, the Burglar is pulling his hair and banging his head against the coffee machine, Minty came running up to me with a mouthful of yellow flowers and hid behind me, Kevin is chasing the sticky elf around the Kissing Booths, Gandalf is shooting fireworks from his staff and yelling, “A little more red wine!” and Dis is twisting Kili’s ear and demanding to see this tattoo of which rumor has reached her. Fili is trying to calm her down, but now, out of nowhere, the Redhead has appeared and is telling Dis to let go of her Wittle Kili Wili, which unfortunately Dis mistook for something naughty rather than the normal elf penchant for nonsense rhymes (who could ever forget ‘O! Tra-la-la-lally Here down in the valley’?)

Now the elves are running to their tents for their bows, Balin, Oin, Ori and the Fang-gir-iells are about to draw their swords and the Par-tei Girls are leading the guests in foot stomping, chanting and much clashing of tankards while the Rider of Rohan has leaped on his horse and is galloping around and around the crowd waving his spear with one hand, still holding a tankard in the other and singing about death and glory. Nice - he hasn’t spilled a drop. I’m pretty sure these people are worth a visit.

Off in the distance I can see Thranduil approaching on the big moose critter, and for some reason the little barefoot guy is running back and forth yelling, “Keep rolling, keep rolling” to his minions. I see nothing rolling anywhere, so I ignore him.

10:10 The situation was deteriorating but suddenly help arrived from an unexpected quarter - the Lindir elf, all but forgotten during his busy bartending duties, suddenly leaped onto the bar screaming, “I’m a dwarf!” and lobbed a honey cake soaked in Balrog Boom straight at the Elf Witch. It landed on her head with a bright flash and a brief odor of singed elf hair, and then dripped slowly down her face and hair in a viscous, slightly charred mass. The shock seems to have ended the tantrum but that’s all it took to get the whole crowd involved, and instantly the air was filled with balrog bits, bread roles, cole slaw, honey cakes, potato salad, peas and carrots and the occasional handful of little yellow flowers which Minty began gobbling up wherever she could. Even the elves have joined in, shooting arrows through bread rolls in mid-air while Thranny slices and dices flying peas with his two swords in a truly impressive manner. I hate to say it but my respect for him just when up a notch.

Tsk, it didn’t take the Par-tei girls long to figure out that anything they threw at the gooey elf would stick like glue and now he’s the center of a high spirited target contest, with various points awarded for head, body, arms and legs, while the Kevin-Thing hums softly and happily munches on the various food items clinging to the poor wobbly, dazed elf.

Thranduil’s hairy antlered transportation also became a brief target of various foodstuffs, but I put a quick stop to that, knowing how I would feel if it was Minty, and the Prince of Smirks had to force himself to say “Thank you” which made it more than worthwhile.

Eventually the little barefoot guy reappeared at my side and said, “Thorin, we’re ready for your shot”, and so I held out my hand and waited for the shot glass, but apparently this word has another meaning in some far off land of shoeless people who are not Hobbits, and he led me away to the top of the Dimrill Stair where many special, magical lamps of great brightness had been set up. I tried to tell him this was not a good idea, but he merely told me to stand in a certain place and look #Majestic as a strange mechanical beast blew my hair back from my face and the magical lamps glinted off my mithril armor and crown to such a degree that the birds woke up and started singing, while his peasant minions muttered and fiddled around with little boxes and strange metal contrivances. Off in the far southern distance I could see beacons flaring to life on many mountain peaks and I felt bad about that, but perhaps the Gondor fellow and the Rohan Rider can go back and tell them it’s nothing to worry about.

Almost dawn. Spent many long hours on the mountain top while the barefoot fellow got his “shot” as he calls it. I know not what it was all about, but he promised me that the full glory of Durin’s Armor has been recorded for all time and will never be forgotten, along with my profile and for some reason, my hair, so that must be explanation enough, I suppose. When we finally came down the Stairs the land was quiet and all were sleeping peacefully - the elves in their tents, the crew mostly on the boat, Minty in her stall, and the rest scattered about on the soft green grass in the open air. A few balrog bits drifted down from the sky and landed on the Lindir elf’s right arm but he never stirred as the Kevin-Thing delicately picked them off and gulped them down. Looking around I could see no sign of the food fight or any leftovers scattered around, but watching Kevin waddle slowly back into Moria and disappear into the darkness with a loud burp I understood that there would be no need for a clean-up crew.

9:30am Breakfast - More casual than expected. The boys and I changed into some cloth-of-mithril shirts, but otherwise returned to our normal clothing, and the others made no effort whatsoever, with the exception of Thranduil, who arrived in silver brocaid of all things, looking completely overdressed for a picnic breakfast, but we pretended not to notice. Really, the breakfast was a bit of a bust and hardly anyone touched their food, but the Burglar’s coffee was a big hit, and the Lindir elf handed out special pick-me-up drinks from one of Elrond’s secret medicinal recipes that were a real wonder. There is definitely a place for the Lindir elf on the Par-tei barge.

9:45 Can’t help noticing - the elf Lady is still wearing that same white dress she’s had on every time I’ve seen her. Sad. I guess that’s what happens when all your gold is just stupid leaves and flowers.

11:00 Guests are saying farewell and starting to leave and thanks to the general widespread headaches no one wants to talk loud enough to be rude. But what to do about Dis?

11:15 Interesting - Dis and and the Elf Witch are sipping coffee and discussing “men” and “kids” and seem to be getting along just fine. Don’t want to appear like I’m eavesdropping but I can just catch phrases like, “of course I love him but he never wants to go anywhere” and “I’m sure she’s nice but she’s immortal and where would they live?” and “well my son-in-law is only half elf and he NEVER visits” and “you’re lucky you had a daughter, raising boys is turning my hair gray” and “thanks to that son-in-law of mine who REFUSES to leave his valley my daughter had an awful experience while traveling and had to leave the country for health reasons” and “what can one do when the King Under the Mountain spends all his time brushing his pony and refuses to look for a wife?” and much, much more to that tune. I’m far too experienced to think that they would want to hear my side of the story so I’m keeping out of it, but at least they’re getting along.

12:15 Best possible news - instead of dragging Fili and Kili back to the Blue Mountains Dis is going to the Golden Wood to visit the Elf Queen. Apparently, after their first little misunderstanding, they found they had a lot of royal mom stuff in common and with any luck the the Elf Lady won’t tell Dis about my visit there until we are separated by many, many, many leagues of fast flowing river.

12:25 Another problem - It seems that at some point last night the Partei Girls hid the Smirkwood King’s moose critter and substituted one of the horses dressed up in an elk costume. Trying not to laugh. Everyone is looking for the moose.

1:30 Whew - found him, calmly grazing on the other side of the lake with wind chimes made out of tankards tied to his antlers. No harm done and no need for all those dirty looks from the elves. After all, they knew what they were getting into when they came to a dwarf barbecue.

1:45 Another problem solved - the Redhead is returning to Mirkwood and I was just in time to overhear her say to Kili, “They are my people” as she gently kissed him farewell while one perfect tear trickled down her flawless cheek, then she sighed a long mournful sigh of elvish grief and sadness and turned slowly away, drifting gracefully back across the green grass to the elven encampment as the morning sun glinted and shimmered on her perfect hair. I must say, the elves do that sort of thing remarkably well. Meanwhile, Fili is comforting his little brother and suggesting another tattoo (as soon as Dis leaves) which should cheer everyone up.

2:00 Well, the Elf Queen’s swan boat is leaving, with Gandalf laying in the front with an ice pack on his head and the two ladies with their take-away coffee cups still chattering away and saying grossly unfair things about the men in their families. And they wonder why we go on on quests. Nevertheless, we all said our affectionate farewells to Dis, and Galadriel has promised to see that she gets home safely so that’s one less thing to worry about. The Burglar tried to jump in their boat at the last minute, in that joking way he has, but I grabbed him playfully by the collar and hauled him back and, after giving him a friendly dwarf slap on the back, tossed him onto the Par-tei Boat before he could get his breath back. He does this all the time. It’s a little game we play.

2:30 And now the elf contingent is finally on their way, the last to go since it takes them forever to pack up all those tents and draperies and whatever is in all those trunks and boxes. We’ve said our formal farewells with great relief on both sides, and Balin made a little diplomatic speech about friendship between peoples, blah blah blah, and I said nothing about Minty’s missing tiara, although I have a pretty good idea where it is, and we even gave them some parting gifts of mithril lace handkerchiefs to replace the ones that were ruined by the slime on the gooey elf. At last it’s just us here at the Mirrormere.

3:00 Well, the last decision has been made. The boat is packed and ready to go and I asked Balin, Oin and Ori if they wanted to come with us but Balin said he would stay and inventory the rest of the mithril in the Secret Bling Room if that was alright with me. I told to make himself at home and pick out something nice for himself and Dwalin and the others and he gave me another one of those strange looks and asked me if I was sure I was well. Not sure why he keeps asking me that. It’s just treasure, after all, and of little worth compared to food and cheer and song and ponies. I hope poor old Balin learns that for himself someday.

As for Ori and Oin, well Ori turns pale at the mere sight of a Par-tei Girl and Oin looked regretful but said he had promised Kevin some medicine for his missing tentacles and eyes and his duty is with the wounded etc. etc., so that’s settled.

3:30 At long last pulling away from the dock. The Burglar is polishing his coffee machine; Fili and his elite company of Fang-gir-iells are already busy in the forge with their new supply of mithril; Kili and the Par-tei Girls and the Lindir elf are drawing up design ideas for a new tattoo; the lanky girl, who we found awhile ago gagged and tied to the rail with silky elven ropes, is cleaning Minty’s stall; and Minty and I are at our usual place at the front of the boat, my arm across her neck and her head nuzzling me affectionately. Since none of us really want to revisit the Golden Wood we are taking the River in the opposite direction, through Moria and out the West Gate and then South to that land of horses where they have a Golden Hall. I would like to see this place for myself, so before the Rohan Rider left this morning I told him we might stop by. He said he would warn tell the King so we won’t be unexpected.

3:45 Just noticed that no one ever bothered to give out any of the various prizes at the barbecue so I gave them all to Minty. She looks so sweet. My little pony. Together forever.

The End


Gold is the strife of kinsmen,
and fire of the flood-tide,
and the path of the serpent.

(Old Icelandic Fe rune poem)

Grey Havens

Feb 12 2016, 8:51pm

Post #146 of 190 (3063 views)
Great idea! [In reply to] Can't Post

Thanks so much for posting all this. What a trip down memory lane! SmileSmileSmile


Gold is the strife of kinsmen,
and fire of the flood-tide,
and the path of the serpent.

(Old Icelandic Fe rune poem)


Feb 12 2016, 10:18pm

Post #147 of 190 (3048 views)
Omg! LOL! [In reply to] Can't Post

Now it's my turn to laugh too much in the mornings! What a treat to wake up to!

Poor Elros! Well at least he made a new friend Wink I have great hopes for the alliance between Dis and Galadriel Smile I wish I could say the same for the lanky girl Wink

10:10 The situation was deteriorating but suddenly help arrived from an unexpected quarter - the Lindir elf, all but forgotten during his busy bartending duties, suddenly leaped onto the bar screaming, “I’m a dwarf!”

LMAO! *wipes eyes* HeartSmileAngelic

Loved it sooo much! Heart


Feb 12 2016, 10:37pm

Post #148 of 190 (3039 views)
I agree! [In reply to] Can't Post

In Reply To
Thanks so much for posting all this. What a trip down memory lane! SmileSmileSmile

So much great stuff to read!

also as a ps, in my last photo post I attributed the photo to Miss-Merriweather when it should have been attributed to PeckishOwl. My apologies. Gremlins or perhaps Orcs in the works - therefore, here is the correct link


(This post was edited by Nieriel on Feb 12 2016, 10:46pm)


Feb 13 2016, 10:28am

Post #149 of 190 (3018 views)
The scribblin's of Galion [In reply to] Can't Post

As I said to HRF as he was, as he puts it, 'slipping into something FABULOUS' before dinner, "No good comes from mixin' wiv dwarves, my Lord. We should never 'ave come, that's wot I fink."
"Quite." My Lord said as he buttoned his robe and checked 'is reflection in 'is seventeen foot high travellin' mirror. He always had the right word does HRF, but that's kings for you. They're trained to 'ave the right word from birth, ain't they? That's wot Kingin' is all about, innit?

"You don't think this robe makes my hakka look big do you, Galion? And what of these gems, not too much do you think?" My lord said, as he stood there, looking at his self critical like from all angles. Now, I ain't had this job for four thousand years by not knowin' what to say to such questions, and the answer to such questions is "Never in life, my Lord! You looks as gorgeous as the day is long, my Lord!" I suppose 'footman-ing' is a bit like Kingin' in the regard.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, we should never 'ave come. Well, it was a bleedin' disaster, weren't it? First off we had HRF taking 'poorly' before dinner on account of them nasty Balrog Bits, and I don't hold wiv Foreign Food at the best of times and then he has 'words' wiv Legolas about him not doin' his job proper or summink. As usual when they has 'words' Legolas' mother Filauria (the Queen of Mirkwood, as wos) comes into it and HRF has to remind Legolas *again* that Filauria isn't dead, and never has been dead (no matter what sob-story he tells Tauriel to make 'er feel sorry for 'im) but is alive and well and is runnin' a dress shop in Gondor wiv a former hairdresser called Nigel and if he don't like working for him, THE KING, he can "@*#*#@ off to Gondor and sell frocks instead!" That don't go down well of course, and I don't know where Legolas went off to in the end, to get changed 'praps, 'cos that dwarven armor is well known to chafe, but he'll be back in the morning I 'spect wanting to go back to Mirkwood wiv us and the soft life in the Halls of his Ada, pining over Tauriel, who would rather stick a hot spoon in her eye than 'ave anything to do wiv Legolas. I'm not sayin' that Tauriel isn't a nice girl, but unless you've got a beard she ain't interested, know wot I mean?

Next fing you know it's dinner time and you guessed it, the Durins are wearing more Mefrill than before and just as HRF is about to well 'an truly throw his dolly out of the play-pen, as it were, Galadriel turns up. HRF has a bit of a fancy for Galadriel, and he's single these days which is more than you can say for the Lady Galadriel, and blow me down if I can remember 'er 'usband's name, so he sidles up to her as smooth as yer like, and invites her over to his tent for 'a bit of a nibble, later on. You know, for old times' sake?' Let me tell you, there's not many women, Elf nor otherwise, wot could resist THAT invitation. HRF's runny Brie is legendary.

During the meanwhile, Elros was getting into a tizz because it was time for the Kissing Booth to open and Elros had been practicing what HRF calls 'the Sindarin Smackeroo' on the back of his hand for hours and accordin' to him nuffink had gone numb, none of 'is toes had started glowing white or felt like they wos about to drop off, which HRF said is the effect 'the Sindarin Smackeroo' s'posed to 'ave if it's done proper and woe betide Elros if it weren't done proper, and did Elros fink he wos going to shame the Elves wiv inferior skills? Anyhow, as it turned out, Elros must have got the hang of 'the Sindarin Smackeroo' in the end because afterwards HRF told Elros that accordin' to Elvish courtship laws, wot are most particular in these matters, Elros wos now technically betrothed to Kevin or at the very least had to buy him sumfink 'nice', call him 'melamin' and hold at least one of 'is tentacles in public. At this Elros did begin to wonder, quite vigorously, if Elvish courtship laws should even come into it wiv' Dark And Nameless Fings, and why those same laws hadn't come into play wiv any of the girls he'd kissed? 'Cos some of 'em were very pretty, he argued and it wasn't his fault that he got covered in a goo wot drives Dark And Nameless Fings mad wiv love .. But HRF smiled that dangerous smile and uttered those kingly words of wisdom, "Just shut it, Elros. You're betrothed. End of." and opened another bottle of 'fermented grapes'.

Now you may be finking that HRF wasn't in the best mood and you'd be right, but blow me down if sumfink didn't 'appen to cheer him right up! We was in the middle of wot appeared to be a food fight, the dwarves started it, they always start it, and HRF was gallopin' around on Tarquin the Elk ordering his archers to cut down low flyin' bread rolls and Balrog Bits shoutin' "Tangado haid! Leithio i philinn!" as he slashed away at wot ever came his way wiv his two swords. Then suddenly wot I can only describe as a dwarven half breed, wearin' sumfink wot needed a good ironin', ran out in front of Tarquin and yelled 'Cut!' stoppin' Tarquin in his tracks. Then a young woman come rushin' towards HRF and Tarquin wiv a ladder and a small bag. "Hold still! I just need to pretty you up a bit!" The young woman said as she put her ladder next to Tarquin and climbed up towards HRF. After gettin' some things out of her bag, she reached out, she dusted his nose and forehead wiv wot looked like a brush on a stick that held a magical dust, smoothed his lips wiv shiny wax and flicked his hair around wiv her comb, all the while telling him how 'realistic' his 'look' was and 'I'm loving your hair!' I stepped forward, along with several Guards, to fight off the impudent female when HRF held up his hand, which is king code for 'not so fast, sunshine' and looked at the young woman like he'd just seen a bleedin' vision or sumfink. Then as quick as she'd arrived she climbed down her ladder and disappeared into the crowd as the dwarf half breed yelled 'Annnnnnnnnnd action!' HRF turned to me before the fighting began again in earnest and commanded that I seek the woman out, 'ave her scrubbed and bring 'er (and 'er Magic Brush onna Stick) to his tent. I told HRF that I did not know who she was or where she'd come from. HRF smiled in his kingly wisdom and told me that he had seen 'er name written on the soft jerkin of pink cloth she wore, thus indicatin' she was of high status among her people, and that she was doubtless a princess from some far off land. The princess's name, HRF said, wos Adidas.

Well, after all the excitement it was pretty much time to bed down for the night. I did as HRF told me and had a bit of a poke round for the Princess Adidas, but I couldn't find 'er. I s'pect her people had carried her off home, and as well they might, the brazen little hussy, throwin' herself at kings she don't know, which led me to wonder if she was related to Galadriel. Speakin' of which, Galadriel was a no show in the end, but I don't fink HRF cared at this point, he was too busy finkin' about Princess Adidas and her Magical Brush onna Stick. Bless 'im.

The next morning HRF was still in a good mood and didn't even seem to be bovvered when he 'eard that someone 'ad Elk-Knapped Tarquin and hung beer cans on 'is antlers, took all that in 'is stride, he did. He even asked Oakenshield if he'd seen Princess Adidas and whether or not he knew of her. Oakenshield just said sumfing about some 'very strange people hanging around' and left it at that, and as we was about to set off Oakenshield give HRF some Mefrill hankersniffs and HRF gave Oakenshield one of 'is prized orchids inna pot and a year's supply of peas and carrots, which was very nice of HRF I fink, all fings considered. HRF even stayed long enough to see the peas and carrots were loaded onto the barge proper and not chucked on any old how like the dwarves were doin' because some of it was being thrown in the river, accidental like. No sign of Legolas, so we left for home wiv out 'im. P'raps he's gone to Gondor?

Grey Havens

Feb 13 2016, 1:59pm

Post #150 of 190 (3003 views)
Can't stop laughing [In reply to] Can't Post

Nieriel, you're a genius. Read it twice and still laughing out loud and the cats are starting at me wondering what's going on. Galion is the best story teller ever Laugh He has a gift.

And I always knew Legolas' mom was around SOMEWHERE - never believed that sob story for a minute. Will Leggie go searching for his mom? Will Thranny go searching for the Princess Adidas? Will Kevin go searching for his one true love? Will Galadriel and Dis go dress shopping in Gondor? Oh my - questions questions questions. Smile

My mithril helmet is off to you.

PS - Minty says thanks for the peas and carrots. WinkSmile


Gold is the strife of kinsmen,
and fire of the flood-tide,
and the path of the serpent.

(Old Icelandic Fe rune poem)

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