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Nieriel
Rivendell
Jan 28 2016, 5:11am
Post #1 of 190
(12471 views)
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Thranduil's Very Secret Diary Part One
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Written in the spirit of fun  and based on film events.
Thranduil's Very Secret Diary
August 27th
Hair: Gorgeous
Mood: Sanguine
Kingdom: Awesome
Well, it's about time. I ordered that necklace an age ago, and today a crow from Erebor arrives with a message to say that it's ready to be collected. Collected?
I am sure I checked the Home Delivery box on the scroll the night I ordered it, but it was a Feast Night, and I may have been making a bit of a dent in my wine cellar at the
time, so who knows? To be honest, it's a bit of a blur. Feast Nights are like that. It's an Elf thing. I am glad I limited myself to just a necklace. It's so tempting with this On Crow shopping to keep adding to your
order and so convenient, one does not have to leave the comfort of one's realm to buy anything these days. You just flick through the Catalogue Scroll, fill in the Order Scroll and tie it, with a PayCrow Scroll, to the Order Crow
(sometimes the crows bite you if you tie the string too tight, but that's crows for you) and then you throw it out of the window and a few days later the Delivery Crow swoops by with your goodies. I wish I'd invented it. Elrond is notorious for getting carried away when it comes to On Crow shopping. Don't let anyone tell you that Rivendell is the centre of Elvish Culture, that's just what he puts around so no one accuses him of being a hoarder. I can't tell you the amount of times he's been approached by the producers of 'How Clean Is Your Kingdom?' He just denies the whole hoarding "problem" and tells them to "ego, mibo orch". Harsh. Anyway, as soon as I have decided what to wear (decisions, decisions) I'll trot over to Erebor and pick it up. Yes, it means a night or two under canvas, depending on how the journey goes, but to get my hands on some hardcore bling, it's so worth it.
Note to self: Check Elk Master has given Elk a wash. Maybe throw the idea of giving it a pedicure 'out there', and see what happens. Must dazzle dwarves with splendid entrance.
It's such a drag to visit Thror and the rest of his hirsute ensemble because he generally insists on exposing me to what he calls 'legendary dwarvish hospitality' which consists of
undignified back slapping, axe tossing, rude jokes about Orcs, burping contents and the roasting of some blameless creature for our consumption, which I generally spend several days after
picking out of my pearly whites. Thror is a stranger to salad or healthy food of any kind and stranger yet to wine so it's roast meat and beer or nothing with dwarves and let's face it, I challenge
anyone to face a dwarvish sing song when sober, especially when all they sing about is Misty Mountains whilst crying into their beer. Naturally after a few tankards of beer it is my habit to astonish them with
my rendition of 'Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?'. I was a sensation during the last age's 'Middle Earth's Got Talent', but no! Seemingly my singing wasn't good enough for dwarves!
Their petty jealousy caused them to make remarks about their ears bleeding and cry out "don't you know any songs about Misty Mountains?" Peasants.
In other news, my son Legolas is getting a bit too friendly with Tauriel, a new soldier of my Guard. I'll admit she's a nice girl but she's not potential Elven Queen material - first off she's
not blonde and secondly she is a bit too handy with those knives of hers; Legolas can be a bit of a Drama Queen at times (no idea who he inherited that from) and I cannot
see, should they marry, (over my dead body, by the way) any 'domestic spat' ending well when she's so good at throwing sharp things. I may have to drop hints to her about some of Lego's
more unsavory habits in case she starts thinking she's scored with my son and heir; and don't get me started on Lego's habits, suffice to say there is a reason I insist he wears pantyhose. However, I am not sure that Lego's affections are returned by Tauriel, because during a recent room inspection several copies of a publication called 'Play Dwarf' were found concealed in her closet. Curious. When asked why she had
this 'material' she muttered something about 'getting to know other races better', although the dwarves I know wear considerably more clothes than the ones in her publications, it's obvious that Tauriel takes her job so
seriously that marriage is the last thing on her mind.
Note to self: Consider promoting Tauriel. Donate clothing to 'Play Dwarf' dwarves. Check Lego's pantyhose *again*.
August 30th
Hair: Don't ask
Mood: Dazed and Confused
Kingdom: How should I know? I'm in a tent!
You are not going to believe this! I, yes, I, King of the Woodland Realm, travelled to Erebor to collect MY necklace and I was refused it! Me! Refused!
I arrived in all my unsurpassed glory (you try trotting across country on an Elk for a day and a half and not have the berries drop off your crown, it's not easy) and entered the building. I floated elegantly towards Thror who was seated on his ridiculous throne which is crowned by the MOST tacky jewel I have EVER seen (think OrcMart snow globe but more sparkly) and he motions for some lackey to come towards me with a box. I am so excited! The lackey opens the box and there is my necklace! I am entranced, enamored and besotted by what I see lying there. It's perfect! The sketch of it in the On Crow shopping catalogue does NOT do it justice! I was beginning to regret not ordering the matching toe ring when I reach out my hand to take the necklace and BANG! The lackey slams the box shut and the look on Thror's face is 'gotcha, pretty boy!' No words are needed for the affront which has been committed here. I didn't say a WORD. I gave him my 'sevig thû úan' look and I flounced off. As my dear father always said to me, "if in doubt, son, flounce" and I've lived by that motto all my life.
Later, at our encampment (don't ask me where, some hideous place between Erebor and home that reeks of fish) I heard some very malicious gossip about the reason for Thror's odd behaviour in refusing me the necklace, and the rumour going around is that I didn't pay for it! This is rubbish! The night I ordered the necklace I tied a PayCrow scroll to the crow myself! I am sure I did! The man is clearly mad. I am beyond annoyed. Here I am sitting in a tent, I've come all this way for nothing, my hair is in grave danger of frizzing because it's pouring with rain, and being in a tent there is no way to recharge the Hair Straightening Imp and to make matters worse some idiot forgot to pack the wine. Great. I'll never forgive the dwarves for this.
EVER.
Note to self: NO more On Crow shopping, no matter HOW rat-faced I am and no matter HOW tempting the jewels are. Leave negative feedback for On Crow shopping to the effect of 'SCAMMED! Would not buy again!'
Several Hundred Years Later, if not longer.....
Hair: Fabulous
Mood: Outdoorsy
Kingdom: Awesome
Oh! I had forgotten I'd started this diary - I found it today down the back of my throne. It's amazing what gets lost down there. The diary wasn't the only thing I found. I found a PayCrow scroll too.
Yes, you've guessed it, THE PayCrow scroll I thought I'd strapped to the On Crow shopping crow the night I ordered my necklace from the dwarves. Opps! I've no idea now what I actually sent with the order, but it wasn't
payment for my necklace. Looks like I'll have to take a trip over to Erebor and come clean about my mistake. I don't like admitting mistakes to anyone, especially dwarves, but I really want that necklace and it's a nice
day for a trip to Erebor. The army could do with some exercise, so I'll take them along too. A little show of force never did anyone any harm. Oh yes, My astrologer has got his panties in a bunch
about me travelling today. The portents are not good, he says. He keeps looking up at the sky and muttering 'He is coming, my Lord! He flies on the wings of disaster! All shall tremble and be lost! Beware his breath of doom!' I suspect he is referring to Mithrandir, who likes to drop by on an eagle sometimes and blow smoke rings at me. He is SUCH a showoff. But I have decided, I'm not staying home just in case he calls in, I've got bling to claim. Thror will be so surprised to see me! Road trip!
Note to self: If Thror wants to know why I misplaced the PayCrow scroll blame Radagast because he thinks tying things to crows is "cruel". I think being made to LOOK at Radagast is "cruel". Have you seen his hair?
There is something very peculiar about a person whose best friend is a hedgehog, that's all I'm saying.
"Our loves are not given, but only lent." Rudyard Kipling
(This post was edited by Nieriel on Jan 28 2016, 5:16am)
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Otaku-sempai
Immortal
Jan 28 2016, 3:39pm
Post #2 of 190
(12193 views)
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Where Thranduil went wrong was forgetting to include the shipping and handling charges.
"Things need not to have happened to be true.
Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure
when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot."
- Dream of the Endless
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Avandel
Half-elven
Jan 28 2016, 4:45pm
Post #3 of 190
(12189 views)
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I floated elegantly towards Thror who was seated on his ridiculous throne which is crowned by the MOST tacky jewel I have EVER seen (think OrcMart snow globe but more sparkly) *Snigger *
(The AUJ EE footage was carefully edited, but there's a bit where the old Bilbo is shaking his head over the loss of friendships re the white gems:
"and for what? Huh. If only folks would pay their bills. OK, there's that ring I found, but finders, keepers. It's not the same thing AT ALL. Besides, I was just being environmentally conscious and picking up recyclable material. No need for that creepy little guy to get so bent out of shape, just because I was doing some dumpster diving. AND he hasn't even been polite enough to return my buttons, so guess he got the better end of the deal."
"Now I gotta finish this letter to Thorin, because it's all well and good he wants to bring the lads to visit for Valentine's Day and it's all real impressive that's he's the big laddie-dah king and all, but he's gonna have to do some actual ruling and corral those Partei-girls. He can SAY they are the royal honor guard, but the royal guard I should think wear more clothes and not giggle all the time. And a song with lines like "It's raining men, hallelujah" doesn't sound like an Elvish folk song to ME..."
Fans can look forward to this and other new footage in PJ's uber-super-ultra-mega edition of the Hobbit films.....  )
http://peckishowl.deviantart.com/...ur-Pay-Pal-560677517
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Elarie
Grey Havens
Jan 29 2016, 12:06am
Post #6 of 190
(12156 views)
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Oh, that was delightful. Please, please send more (by crow if necessary). Longing to hear Thranny's reaction to Smaug the Stupendous (hair: none; mood: aggressive; kingdom: anywhere he wants;)
Great fun 
__________________
Gold is the strife of kinsmen,
and fire of the flood-tide,
and the path of the serpent.
(Old Icelandic Fe rune poem)
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Avandel
Half-elven
Jan 29 2016, 1:34am
Post #7 of 190
(12151 views)
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Elarie and Nieriel need to get together. After all, when we last saw Thorin and Minty, they were getting booted out of Lothlorien by an enraged Galadriel, although happily for the Fang-gir-iells the contents of Galadriel's flask only seemed to serve as an extra gloss treatment for Thorin's hair.
Still, looking at a map, it would seem reasonable that the next loop of the River would land the party at Thranduil's palace, after terrorizing the river communities throughout Middle Earth.
Just sayin'. The possibilities are endless....
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Elarie
Grey Havens
Jan 29 2016, 2:08am
Post #8 of 190
(12144 views)
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Dueling Diaries!
And what a great map - although I think the occupants of the Par-tei Boat might be a little dizzy after following that pink river trail but if they are still drinking Burgler Bombs they probably won't notice.
Love the cartoon, too - Shades of Yul Brynner! Expecting Thorin and Thranny to break out into a song at any moment!
__________________
Gold is the strife of kinsmen,
and fire of the flood-tide,
and the path of the serpent.
(Old Icelandic Fe rune poem)
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Nieriel
Rivendell
Jan 29 2016, 3:30am
Post #9 of 190
(12141 views)
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and thank you! I am of course an ardent admirer of your Diary work and was left, as the elves say, 'gagging for more' after part two!
Part Deux of Thranduil's Diary is in the pipeline
"Our loves are not given, but only lent." Rudyard Kipling
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Avandel
Half-elven
Jan 29 2016, 4:34am
Post #11 of 190
(12134 views)
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Besides, I need to know what Fili has been up to, he seemed so tense...
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Avandel
Half-elven
Jan 29 2016, 4:38am
Post #12 of 190
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Especially if a hungry Minty should notice Thranduil's prize orchid collection. Never mind the mix of Mirkwood spores with the Burglar Bombs...
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Sarahbor
Lorien
Jan 29 2016, 5:47am
Post #14 of 190
(12129 views)
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This has been annoying me for awhile now...
[In reply to]
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Thorin's pony is NOT Minty!
When Bilbo remarks that the troll has Myrtle and Minty, the troll is carrying a white pony and a chestnut pony. In an earlier scene we see Bilbo feeding an apple to his chestnut horse whom he addresses as Myrtle. Therefore the chestnut pony the troll has is Myrtle, not Minty. Minty is the white pony. Also, Thorin's pony had a black mane but Myrtle (and the chestnut pony the troll was carrying) had a gold mane.
Hobbit/LOTR cartoons & humor: http://www.sarahbor.com/
(This post was edited by Sarahbor on Jan 29 2016, 5:52am)
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Sarahbor
Lorien
Jan 29 2016, 12:35pm
Post #15 of 190
(12097 views)
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Balin rode the white pony, so HIS pony's name is Minty!
Hobbit/LOTR cartoons & humor: http://www.sarahbor.com/
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Elarie
Grey Havens
Jan 29 2016, 1:20pm
Post #16 of 190
(12098 views)
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As far as I know, the Minty name comes from the Oakentoons and has stuck like the spider webs in Thorin's hair. Truthfully, I'm not sure WHICH pony in the movie is Minty, or even if that is the correct name (I think I saw it spelled Mindy somewhere). But no matter - on the River of Denial all things are possible and the Queen of All Ponies travels in true royal style, standing at the bow of the Par-tei Boat with her well-combed tresses flowing gracefully in the breeze and softly mingling with the dark, silken cinnamon-scented waves of her #Majestic Master as they glide along the shining waters to their next adventure (while waiting breathlessly for Part II of the diary of that girlie-king up there in the Hoodlum Realm so they can read it out loud on deck while making rude dwarf jokes about people who wear shiny Oscar-night dresses while riding a moose). Meanwhile, the Burgler has discovered Irish Coffee and is wondering if he should try it out on the crew or just save it for himself as his own personal well-deserved pick-me-up after long mornings of coffee-brewing for bleary-eyed traveling companions. Poor Burgler.
__________________
Gold is the strife of kinsmen,
and fire of the flood-tide,
and the path of the serpent.
(Old Icelandic Fe rune poem)
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Sarahbor
Lorien
Jan 29 2016, 5:14pm
Post #18 of 190
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The Oakentoons are wrong. It's easy to tell simply by watching the film closely. I think Minty is the correct spelling as opposed to Mindy. They took the names from names of hobbits in Bilbo's family tree (Daisy, Bungo, and Myrtle), and there is one named "Minto" which I'm guessing they just changed to Minty. I don't think there's anyone named Mindy.
And, honestly, I'm not a fan of the Oakentoons. Some of them are funny, but overall they either fall flat or are just kinda dumb. Too many involve either bad fan fiction-y romances or yet another reference to the tired and trite "majestic Thorin" meme. OK already. We get it. Can we see something else for a change?
Hobbit/LOTR cartoons & humor: http://www.sarahbor.com/
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Avandel
Half-elven
Jan 29 2016, 5:31pm
Post #19 of 190
(12086 views)
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As far as I know, the Minty name comes from the Oakentoons and has stuck like the spider webs in Thorin's hair. Truthfully, I'm not sure WHICH pony in the movie is Minty, or even if that is the correct name (I think I saw it spelled Mindy somewhere).
One of the kindest and most supportive fandoms of any artistic work in over a century, the enthusiastic albeit eagle-eyed fan community has time and again, after wiping the drool from their faces over the *unexpected bounty* of male pulchritude, has thoughtfully glossed over and corrected any petty inconsistencies and inconveniences overlooked by the exhausted PJ.
The Internet has spoken. And so shall it be, until time beyond time...
In the meantime, a frantic Bilbo has already downed a half gallon of Irish coffee this day, as somehow the Partei Barge managed to make one of its inexplicable loops in the night and dock at some huge creepy cave that Thorin vaguely recognized. (Seriously, if it weren't for the power of alcohol the barge wouldn't be able to serenely cruise up river against a current.) The hobbit is worried about the repercussions of Fili dispatching a large octopus thing that popped out of the lake. The Fang-gir-iells say that since they are going to make calamari out of the critter, any evidence is going to be eaten anyway.
Meanwhile, the Partei-girls are arguing with some wild-haired man holding a cup of tea, who looks like he hasn't had a new shirt for a while. The man is insisting that they "can't build a still in the mines, as there is too much of a fire hazard and that they are going to derail one of the most pivotal scenes in the sequel". The Partei-girls are unimpressed, saying that they'd rather have more scenes of the wind blowing through Thorin's hair anyway. The man screams that there is a demon of the ancient world here, SHADOW and FLAME. The Partei-girls enthusiastically embrace the new name for the drink they are distilling...Bilbo is having a very difficult morning.
And lo! After the departure of the seafood-laden Partei-barge, with his Majesty and Minty guild'd with the crimson and gold of the setting sun, (Minty's mane mingling with Thorin's in a perfect flowing symphony of Majesticnessnessness) - a cry of despair echo'd from the depths of a dark room. There, in the night, was a fatigued man curled barefoot on a leather couch with a cup of tea.
For the news feed lovingly showed an endless stream of live-feed pictures of the spectacular explosion that was occurring in an abandoned mine. Zoologists from around the world were commenting on the the strange fleshy remnants of a horned creature that were still raining from the skies, while the Internet tittered with memes about "proof of aliens among us" and "flaming cows". "I can't do it..." the man sobbed while his tea grew cold. "I did my best for those picky canonistas. Now those *&^%$*& hair freaks have just destroyed an iconic scene, and who is Gandalf supposed to have a pivotal battle with in the reboot?!"
"There, there," soothed a dark-haired woman wearing an Armitage Army T-shirt. "Our fans are pretty forgiving. Gandalf can just battle a giant bat...didn't you say you like to tweak the fans?"
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Loresilme
Valinor
Jan 29 2016, 5:47pm
Post #20 of 190
(12068 views)
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Please post more! This had me laughing so loud .
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Sarahbor
Lorien
Jan 29 2016, 6:22pm
Post #22 of 190
(12063 views)
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Well, I don't like Starbucks either ;)
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I do like Thorin. But I also like my sanity
Hobbit/LOTR cartoons & humor: http://www.sarahbor.com/
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Elarie
Grey Havens
Jan 29 2016, 6:42pm
Post #23 of 190
(12067 views)
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To All and Sundry
You Are Hereby Invited To
The First Annual Balrog Barbecue
Third Age, This Year, When the first robin of spring greets the last full moon of winter as the sun sets for the first time under the second double rainbow to appear on a Monday after the Battle of Five Armies in a month with no 'R'. Please be prompt.
The Par-Tei Boat will be docked in the Mirrormere near the East Gate of Khazad-dum and there will be guided visitor tours at 6, 8 & 10 PM with special private tours at midnight by Fili and Kili on a first-come, first-serve basis. (Line forms along the shore to the south of the boat. Volunteers will distribute water to guests who wish to get in line 5 or 6 weeks early.)
Open Bar from 4 PM till sunrise
Potato salad, cole slaw and fire pits will be provided, however it will be the responsibility of each guest to provide their own basket to catch falling Balrog Bits and carry them to the cooking area.
As an added attraction the Dimrill Stair will be decorated with little colored lights and open to visitors and sightseers until 2 AM
Also, there will be a door prize of Special Magnificence #Majesticness for anyone who can open the West Gate, so if you think you have a shot please bring your riding boots.
Come one, come all! All are welcome!
__________________
Gold is the strife of kinsmen,
and fire of the flood-tide,
and the path of the serpent.
(Old Icelandic Fe rune poem)
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Elarie
Grey Havens
Jan 29 2016, 6:49pm
Post #24 of 190
(12060 views)
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Thorin + Starbucks + Warm fuzzy blankets on the couch + purring kitty cats + all the Extended Editions =
Perfection 
__________________
Gold is the strife of kinsmen,
and fire of the flood-tide,
and the path of the serpent.
(Old Icelandic Fe rune poem)
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Sarahbor
Lorien
Jan 29 2016, 10:09pm
Post #25 of 190
(12032 views)
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More like goggle-eyed. If they were eagle-eyed they wouldn't have misidentified Minty
Hobbit/LOTR cartoons & humor: http://www.sarahbor.com/
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LOL!!!
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