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Avandel
Half-elven
Jan 26 2015, 11:05pm
Post #1 of 62
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The River of Denial discussions part deux - UUTs, alternative endings, and speculating on those LOGIC GAPS
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For instance, we have keen-eyed, superbly intelligent eagles, huge PREDATORS, that fly right over Thorin WHO IS CLEARLY VISIBLE WITH THAT GLORIOUS DARK HAIR AND CHOCOLATE LEATHER and could have easily just tossed Azog off a cliff - I mean, OK, the first film, it's kind of chaotic and all, flames, smoke, but the second time around? How lucky could Azog get? True, he is pretty pale - but he's BIG. The movies and WETA books make a point about his BIGNESS. It's kind of like ignoring this Rhinoceros standing out there. Plus he is wearing that dark unholy skirt of his.
Not to mention Radagast, who doesn't even BOTHER TO SEND A BLAST OF MAGIC to help the dwarves on Ravenhill out, and as far as I can tell, was simply enjoying the nice view from a position of safety.
But I'm pretty sure, and I am certain this footage was shot, that Thranduil did NOT, in fact, head off to Starbucks or therapy after the rebellious-teenager scenario, but went after his son SINCE THRANDUIL IS A 6,000 YEAR OLD WARRIOR KING AND WOULD KNOW HOW DANGEROUS IT WAS FOR LEGOLAS TO BE OUT THERE ALONE and in passing, decided to help Thorin out. Seeing as the hard approach hadn't worked too well with either Thror or Thorin, and anyway it's good to be kind to your enemies, it freaks them out.
*UUT = Utterly Unsupported Theory
PS. Hmm, it seems this post is following another post by someone inquiring as to opinions as to some end scenes. But for myself, they didn't happen anyway , and I am waiting for the ultra super unedited director's cut of BOFA and all of the ALTERNATVE footage that is currently in storage. Happily, I found this :
Update New Zealand –
Fans in the River of Denial inspire corporate head
“Never say never” Sir Ian Mckellan joked at the 2014 Battle of Five Armies premiere in London. The distinguished thespian had indicated he keeps the Gandalf the Grey’s wizarding staff close, under his bed in fact, should the need arise for the iconic character to once again wander the roads of Peter Jackson’s Middle Earth. Now it seems those words were prophetic – as would be expected from Middle Earth’s beloved Grey Pilgrim!
Eccentric chairman Gawonand Swindell claims via the “thisendingBLEEP.com” website that his controversial company has joined with Peter Jackson and Warner Brothers in a complicated deal to re-film key sections of the most recent Hobbit film, and will provide several versions of the re-booted film to paid subscribers of the website.
The avant garde company has made millions by encouraging audiences to freely edit TV shows and movies, allowing viewers to reconstruct films to more satisfying conclusions according to preferences. “thisendingBLEEP” provides a tiered collection of sophisticated services based on price, from relatively modest footage and music edits to the incorporation of actual actors as filmed generic snippets, which can then be inset into backgrounds of the chosen film. When combined with matching sophisticated digital characters and 24-hour support, even a novice user can output professional quality footage for their viewing enjoyment.
Gawonand Swindell declaimed from his yoga mat at India’s Rajvilas Vila in Jaipur: “I was COSMICALLY inspired to reach out to Peter Jackson after being warmly welcomed into a large group of kayakers and other assorted revelers paddling in the River of Denial, being served Mai Tais and pitchers of a delightfully healthy concoction known as el aliento del dragón.”
“I was mesmerized by the sheer energy of the ongoing debates in connection with the ending of the Hobbit 3 – some arguing that the character of Thranduil had inexplicably rescued the Heirs of Durin at the eleventh hour, others claiming that the dwarven Company had come together in a surprise move to save their fiery King and his nephews.”
“Others claim that the dwarves, weary of hoards of glassy-eyed fangirls and being the focus of cheesy fan fiction (as if! you are NOTHING if you are not being talked about), actually utilized the riches of Erebor to fake their deaths, and are living the quiet lives of pool boys and gardeners and so on.”
“REVELATIONS instantly occurred to me; one being that (much like a fine meal where the DESSERT is a sad disappointment) entire sections of BOFA are simply being excised from collective long-term memory (similar to the reaction to Matrix 3) within a large fan community."
Mr. Swindell sighed soulfully. “And of course, it was obvious that my company needs to BE THERE for these suffering viewers, in that I was assured that the Durins are a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE unto themselves, and all viewers desire to experience CINEMATIC RAPTURE.”
Sir Peter Jackson was unavailable for comment, but dripping witnesses claim to have seen WETA workshop staff being chased from a New Zealand nursery (specializing in oak and other hardwood trees) by a dark-haired man wielding what appeared to be a “a large sword, with a curved blade edge, kind of swirly, you know?” (However, this testimony appeared to be uneven, and even fantastical, amid statements from the glassy-eyed witnesses that several of their number had simply burst into flames after looking directly at the man, while the rest had been hosed down with the irrigation system .)
A harassed-looking studio executive, Imrich Urnot, confirmed the arrangement outside his marriage counselor’s office. “Look”, snapped Mr. Urnot, struggling to pin his flapping toupet against California’s notorious Santa Ana winds, “Don’t give me all that Tolkien canon stuff. It’s not for me to argue with a famous director’s ARTISTRY, and I warned him what “tweaking the fans” would summon.”
“Now look – I’m spending $500 an hour, trying to save my marriage and my wife and kids keep calling me Azog, and I get hate mail plastered in Thorin stamps, and even my personal hair stylist called me a “balrog” and accused me of “hair envy” and then quit.”
“It’s the RIGHT thing to do,” purred Mr. Swindell, eyes wide with excited fervor. “It’s a CIRCLE of LOVE , a new business-paradigm; corporations opening their arms and EMBRACING fandom in an affectionate and exciting partnership where profits are made which keep good folks employed, and fans that THRILL to see their favorite films the way they were meant to be seen. After all, there is already a huge global fan fiction and fan art community – we’re just making those efforts more PROFESSIONAL by merging the talents of the cast, WETA, and the studio. Home-grown films are where it’s at now, baby!”
Mr. Swindell invites all interested fans to join “thisendingBLEEP” for a huge celebration on the banks of (and in) the River of Denial, and bring their comments and suggestions to the party. “I have it on good authority that a certain Middle Earth gardener, who evidently has fantastic hair and a terrific voice, will be on hand to lead revelers in multiple rounds of the dwarf theme song” he winked. “He might even bring his harp.” – Laketown Daily
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Kim
Valinor
Jan 26 2015, 11:44pm
Post #2 of 62
(2626 views)
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In a surprise press conference, the truth has been revealed: although Thorin, Kili and Fili were seriously injured during the battle, they were healed by the magical ministrations of the wonderful wizard Gandalf the Grey, and are currently living healthy and happy lives with their adoring entourages. Many of said group have gathered at the River to celebrate the life of these miraculous survivors. Floaty chairs, drinks and hors d'oeuvres are available, so please feel free to join in the party and raise a glass to these admirable dwarves. If there are enough participants, we may rent a barge to float down the river while happily sharing tales as the breezes do their thing with their glorious lustrous tresses.
Hark, do I hear a harp?
#OneLastTime
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dormouse
Half-elven
Jan 26 2015, 11:49pm
Post #3 of 62
(2561 views)
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Can you hear the sniggering from inside the teapot?
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Crazy, wonderflul, funny post.... Still trying to come to terms with the image of a 'dark, unholy skirt'......
(PS, de Nile is in Egypt.... *ducks and runs)
(This post was edited by dormouse on Jan 26 2015, 11:50pm)
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Riven Delve
Tol Eressea
Jan 27 2015, 12:39am
Post #4 of 62
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I heard from a Certified River of Denial Kayak GuideTM (who reportedly moonlights as a pool boy) that he can't comment on any reports, but he's perfectly willing to go as far down the river as anyone cares to be guided. 
“Tollers,” Lewis said to Tolkien, “there is too little of what we really like in stories. I am afraid we shall have to try and write some ourselves.”
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Lissuin
Valinor
Jan 27 2015, 1:40am
Post #5 of 62
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I always tell people there's no denying that
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TORn is the place for the latest news and most accurate reporting on anything Hobbit film-related.
I can't wait to see by whom and where parts of this article get picked up and passed on.
We saw it here first, Tornfolks!
(Amazing job, Avandel.)
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Avandel
Half-elven
Jan 27 2015, 2:08am
Post #6 of 62
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ROFLOL! I am deeply MOVED that our King left his bath!? after a stressful day to make a statement to his worried subjects.
Can't wait for the celebration! I wanna try the dwarf version of tubing.
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Avandel
Half-elven
Jan 27 2015, 2:12am
Post #7 of 62
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Are his uncle and brother and Mr. Dwalin coming?
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Oh, heck, we need the whole company. Especially Balin as the VOICE of REASON.
PS.
But of course. The Internet knows all.
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Avandel
Half-elven
Jan 27 2015, 2:15am
Post #8 of 62
(2468 views)
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And Azog ? Er. Well, kind of too GOTH for me. And he needs some leg tanner.
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Kim
Valinor
Jan 27 2015, 2:19am
Post #9 of 62
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Well, would you look at that?!
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The River of Denial has rapids! Barrels are on the barge, should be here soon. We'll set up the drinks and snacks on the barge, and send the more adventures types off in the barrels. Others less inclined can enjoy the peacefulness of the floaty chairs and kayaks. We'll do the parasailing past the rapids.
Our King is nothing if not thoughtful and attentive to the worries of his subjects. 
#OneLastTime
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Lissuin
Valinor
Jan 27 2015, 3:22am
Post #10 of 62
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Laketown being the multi-cultural center that it was,
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there would have been inspiration aplenty for celebratory drinks at the coronation.
Tequila Sunrise, anyone?
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Brethil
Half-elven
Jan 27 2015, 4:20am
Post #11 of 62
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Now THIS was well worth driving home for!
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I have to read it another hundred times or so, then I may have something other than raw admiration to burble about.
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Kilidoescartwheels
Valinor
Jan 27 2015, 5:28am
Post #12 of 62
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The truth is out there ... somewhere
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But I know what REALLY Happened!!! We have to start at the beginning, with our four favorite Dwarves atop Ravenhill. Kili & Fili start scouting before Bilbo arrives, then Fili is captured, stabbed, and tossed off the cliff. Things looked so bleak for him, but then Radagast jumped off his eagle with his little magic bottle and brought Fili back to life (cue Evanescence). Meanwhile, an enraged Kili stormed up the tower to avenge his brother, only to be distracted by Tauriel, who got hit in the head one too many times and started hallucenating that Bolg was stabbing Kili, when in fact it was Beorn killing Bolg (like it was SUPPOSED to happen!). Kili was so stunned by the sight of the giant bear that he forgot about Tauriel and ran back to Thorin.
While all this was happening, about 100 Orcs came at Thorin, Dwalin and Bilbo. Thorin was anxious to get to Kili, so Bilbo & Dwalin told him to go on, they'd catch up. (You all know what happened next, Bilbo was knocked out, Dwalin was almost overwhelmed by Orcs, then finally the rest of the Dwarves showed up.) So Thorin runs across the frozen lake right into Azog and his mace. An incredibly well-choreographed fight ensues, ending when Thorin steps off the ice chunk and Azog slides into the water. As our beloved King Under the Mountain peers cautiously into the water, checking to see if Azog is really dead, Fili runs up and shouts "Look out, Thorin, he's still alive!" At that moment Azog jumps out of the water and pins Thorin, his sword just inches above the Majestic heart. Suddenly Azog is shot in the back by three arrows fired by Legolas, who found his magic quiver from another movie - you know, the quiver that NEVER ran out of arrows? Yeah, that one. Anyway, the three arrows distract Azog long enough for Thorin to finally run him through and kill him. Legolas then runs off after Tauriel, not knowing what happened to her. Finally, Kili shows up after hearing his brother's voice, and they now have to decide what to do.
"I can't go back to the Mountain," Thorin said heavily, "there's too much gold. I may fall under its spell again. Besides, I can't let Dain know that I was saved by an Elf, and that prissy Thraduil will NEVER let me forget it. I want you to tell everyone that I was mortally wounded by Azog. Fili, you are now King Under the Mountain."
"Forget that," Fili says, "I died today - I really DIED today, but now I have a second chance and I don't want to waste it defending a mountain full of cursed gold - the place stinks of Dragon anyway. Besides, why should you two get all the girls? I hear there's a river full of kayaking fangirls out there, and I mean to find them!"
"I understand," Kili says, "but I don't want to be King, either. I want to be with Tauriel!"
"WHAT!" Thorin shouts, "an ELF???"
"Sorry, uncle, but Elf chicks are hot!"
Fili rolls his eyes. "We've got to take him with us, for his own good. Listen bro, things would never work out between you and Tauriel - she's too tall!"
"Well, I'm up for trying...."
"NO!" both Thorin & Fili shout at the same time.
"Well" Kili says, "if all three of us are going, how will we convince everyone that we're all dead?"
"Dwalin saw me die," Fili answered.
"And Tauriel thinks she saw me die," Kili said, "so neither of us can tell Dwalin that you're dead, Uncle."
Suddenly Galadrial showed up. "Leave that to me." And with a flick of her hand, she turned 3 dead orcs into Heirs of Durin lookalikes. "Now go, before Bilbo wakes up."
"Bilbo," Thorin muses, "I wish I could apologize to him."
"There's no time, Thorin," Galadrial says gently, "but I will give him a memory of your final conversation. It will be the most beautiful, moving death speech anyone has ever heard."
"Very well," Thorin agrees. Then the three of them slid down the frozen waterfall into three kayaks that were conveniently waiting for them, bobbing in water that was conveniently not frozen, and they went off in search of fame, fortune and fangirls (not to mention some yummy fruity drinks!)
Now, I know some of you will shake your heads in disbelief. Others will complain that this should have been posted somewhere else, like "Off Topic" or "FanArt." But the truth is, TORN doesn't have a forum for "Wishful Thinking," so the Hobbit forum will do just fine. The truth is out there, and so are the Heirs of Durin. Long may they live!
Why yes, I DO look like Anna Friel!
(This post was edited by Silverlode on Jan 27 2015, 10:55am)
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swordwhale
Tol Eressea
Jan 27 2015, 5:38am
Post #13 of 62
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my sources suggest it may not have been Thranduil...
Na 'Aear, na 'Aear! Mýl 'lain nallol, I sûl ribiel a i falf 'loss reviol...
To the sea, to the sea, the white gulls are crying, the wind is blowing and the white foam is flying...
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swordwhale
Tol Eressea
Jan 27 2015, 6:33am
Post #14 of 62
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nay, even beyond the worth of the Arkenstone itself....
I brought more boats.........
and some people seem to be mounted on, waht????
but I think we can, ah, commandeer (it's a nautical term) some of those...
Na 'Aear, na 'Aear! Mýl 'lain nallol, I sûl ribiel a i falf 'loss reviol...
To the sea, to the sea, the white gulls are crying, the wind is blowing and the white foam is flying...
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swordwhale
Tol Eressea
Jan 27 2015, 6:37am
Post #15 of 62
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dfkdfsjkl;sdfjkl;sdfjkl;dfs;jkldfsjkl;asdf
Na 'Aear, na 'Aear! Mýl 'lain nallol, I sûl ribiel a i falf 'loss reviol...
To the sea, to the sea, the white gulls are crying, the wind is blowing and the white foam is flying...
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Bombadil
Half-elven
Jan 27 2015, 7:06am
Post #16 of 62
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Bomby is Freezing in this Frozen River of Denial
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Falling off my chair, trying to find some place on the
Floor? to roll on...BUT
FAILS to comprehend JUS' what went his
FAST through his Mind?
"Struck by Lightning..Struck by Lightning.."
said Bom's bro MISTER bilbo..
Bomby always thought the
Female Mind is a Terrible thing to WASTE?
Certainly NOW, the PROOF is Proven..
IZzz it possible to DIE from Laughin'?
HEADLINE NEWS:
"Colorado Hobbit/ Dwarish? Person was
FOUND dead...
Cause of Death? ..LAUGHTER..
Thang you Berry Buch..
www.charlie-art.biz
"What Your Mind can conceive... charlie can achieve"
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dormouse
Half-elven
Jan 27 2015, 8:24am
Post #17 of 62
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Laughing so hard now the teapot's rolling over....
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Catch it someone, please!
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Miss-Merriweather
Bree
Jan 27 2015, 12:55pm
Post #18 of 62
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I don’t believe in movies.
We make our own movie!
Come on now, we’ve all seen it. There’s plot holes in this movie big enough to swallow an entire army.
Three Dwarves sneaking off the battlefield would – and did – pass entirely unnoticed.
Which is also, by the way, the only possible explanation for Dwalin not harakiri-ing himself right there on the ice alongside Thorin.
Cheers!
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Dame Ioreth
Tol Eressea
Jan 27 2015, 2:10pm
Post #19 of 62
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Barrels come with their own sushi
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At least that's what I heard.
.
ITLs don't get enough FAS. :)
Where there's life there's hope, and need of vittles.
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
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Starglass
Rivendell
Jan 27 2015, 3:28pm
Post #20 of 62
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Very comforting (and hilarious!) Of course the "Durins" didn't die! After all, Thorin had me worried at the end of AUJ (I hadn't read the book in about 12 years and couldn't remember much ), and look at how easily he recovered! He's a master at scaring me, so of course he could've faked his death here! And of course, his nephews inherited that trait from him.
However, who is going to tell poor Bilbo that his friend is still alive? He's going around heartbroken! Unless...when he goes "over the sea" at the end of LotR, does that ocean perhaps join with a certain RIVER?
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swordwhale
Tol Eressea
Jan 27 2015, 7:15pm
Post #21 of 62
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Let it gooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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I found Bomby's corner of the RoD...
(and something to keep him warm)
(actually found on my favorite local river)
Na 'Aear, na 'Aear! Mýl 'lain nallol, I sûl ribiel a i falf 'loss reviol...
To the sea, to the sea, the white gulls are crying, the wind is blowing and the white foam is flying...
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swordwhale
Tol Eressea
Jan 27 2015, 7:38pm
Post #22 of 62
(2279 views)
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Na 'Aear, na 'Aear! Mýl 'lain nallol, I sûl ribiel a i falf 'loss reviol...
To the sea, to the sea, the white gulls are crying, the wind is blowing and the white foam is flying...
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swordwhale
Tol Eressea
Jan 27 2015, 7:41pm
Post #23 of 62
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log my appreciation for this neat bit of fan art...
Na 'Aear, na 'Aear! Mýl 'lain nallol, I sûl ribiel a i falf 'loss reviol...
To the sea, to the sea, the white gulls are crying, the wind is blowing and the white foam is flying...
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Ilmatar
Rohan
Jan 27 2015, 11:52pm
Post #24 of 62
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This IS a wonderful thread. Like the OP states, the world is indeed better with the Durins in it. So happy they have already been located on the river!
However, who is going to tell poor Bilbo that his friend is still alive? He's going around heartbroken! Unless...when he goes "over the sea" at the end of LotR, does that ocean perhaps join with a certain RIVER?
I don't see why it couldn't. After all, several rivers have had many different names (think of the Danube / Donau / Dnieper / Tonava / etc., with meanings such as "strong, swift, undisciplined", "river afar", "the bringer of luck" etc.). So, I suspect that our River of Denial may actually be the Lhûn which flows directly to the Grey Havens. Let's visit Ered Luin on the way!
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Roheryn
Tol Eressea
Jan 28 2015, 1:36am
Post #25 of 62
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Oh, I love this thread. Thanks, Avendel, for getting it going! :-)
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