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noWizardme
Half-elven
Dec 22 2014, 10:44pm
Post #1 of 44
(1240 views)
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Middle-earth cracker jokes- a new game
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Please suggest jokes sufficiently lame* to go into Middle-earth crackers-- you know, jokes like: Q: Why are balrogs such bad writers? A: Because they cannot parse. I'm sure you can do better (or worse) than that! * They only have lame jokes in Middle-earth now: all the good ones Aragon.
~~~~~~ "nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' " Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!" This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154
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Ataahua
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Dec 23 2014, 12:02am
Post #2 of 44
(1060 views)
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Because they're too big for an airplane. (Your 'cannot parse' joke is so bad, it's good. )
Celebrimbor: "Pretty rings..." Dwarves: "Pretty rings..." Men: "Pretty rings..." Sauron: "Mine's better." "Ah, how ironic, the addictive qualities of Sauron’s master weapon led to its own destruction. Which just goes to show, kids - if you want two small and noble souls to succeed on a mission of dire importance... send an evil-minded beggar with them too." - Gandalf's Diaries, final par, by Ufthak. Ataahua's stories
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Bracegirdle
Valinor
Dec 23 2014, 12:32am
Post #3 of 44
(1044 views)
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Because they don't have soul . . .
“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.” But, sneaking off in daylight takes much more cunning.
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Bracegirdle
Valinor
Dec 23 2014, 12:56am
Post #4 of 44
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What does a Middle-earthquake cause?
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A derndingle to become a dol-dingle.
“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.” But, sneaking off in daylight takes much more cunning.
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Ruxendil_Thoorg
Tol Eressea
Dec 23 2014, 1:29am
Post #5 of 44
(1037 views)
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Where does one go in Laketown to learn to become a short order cook?
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Cram school.
*** -The Return Journey- Some say home, it is a shelter where one hides from the rain. Some say home, it is a treasure great hosts rise up to claim. Some say home, it is a memory that burned bright in the flames. I say home, it’s the beginning where you come back again. It’s the feet afraid of walking that never learn to run. It’s the stone afraid of losing that never can be won. It’s the bow afraid of yielding that cannot seem to bend, And the pride afraid of bowing that never keeps a friend. When the fight has been too bloody and the road has been too long, And you think that home is only for the lucky and the strong, Just remember, on the mountain, in the wild and bitter snow, You will find your seed of courage, and you'll earn your journey home. * * * http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_expanded;
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shadowdog
Rohan
Dec 23 2014, 1:53am
Post #6 of 44
(1037 views)
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Because he is only helf and elf.
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Gianna
Rohan
Dec 23 2014, 1:56am
Post #7 of 44
(1034 views)
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I Fili like Kiling you!
~There's some good left in this world. And it's worth fighting for.~
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Brethil
Half-elven
Dec 23 2014, 4:15am
Post #8 of 44
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How did Sauron's answering machine drive Saruman to evil?
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"I'm busy, but I'll give you a ring soon."
(This post was edited by Brethil on Dec 23 2014, 4:16am)
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noWizardme
Half-elven
Dec 23 2014, 8:58am
Post #9 of 44
(1010 views)
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why would Mick Jagger never escape from Orthanc?
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Because a Rolling Stone gathers no moths.
~~~~~~ "nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' " Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!" This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154
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noWizardme
Half-elven
Dec 23 2014, 10:08am
Post #10 of 44
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why is Saruman's pocket all wet?
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Because his pipe weed.
~~~~~~ "nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' " Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!" This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154
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noWizardme
Half-elven
Dec 23 2014, 10:11am
Post #11 of 44
(1002 views)
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"fancy some more pipe-weed? I've got plenty!"
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"fancy some more pipe-weed? I've got plenty!" "Orthanc's?" "You're welcome."
~~~~~~ "nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' " Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!" This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154
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noWizardme
Half-elven
Dec 23 2014, 10:28am
Post #12 of 44
(1013 views)
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a dwarf door walks into a bar.
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a dwarf door walks into a bar. Then two more dwarf doors walk in. Wait! You can't simply walk in, Two More Doors!
~~~~~~ "nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' " Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!" This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154
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noWizardme
Half-elven
Dec 23 2014, 11:06am
Post #13 of 44
(1003 views)
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More of a realization than a cracker joke...
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My brother in law once had a job driving a truck to deliver doors. I'l have to ask him whether he ever exploited the comic potential:
- When he was delivering, he could have banged on the lumber yard gates and called out in a thin, menacing voice "Open, in the name of more doors!"
- Or, having unloaded, he could have looked in the empty van and shouted "Four Gone Doors!"
~~~~~~ "nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' " Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!" This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154
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noWizardme
Half-elven
Dec 23 2014, 11:48am
Post #14 of 44
(1007 views)
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What do you call Thorin without his clothes on?
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Freezin. (Or, possibly; invisible behind a wall of excited fangirls....)
~~~~~~ "nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' " Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!" This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154
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Bracegirdle
Valinor
Dec 23 2014, 3:41pm
Post #15 of 44
(993 views)
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What did the Hobbits in the Green Dragon call pari-mutuel betting on soccer?
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"A Bywater Pool"
“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.” But, sneaking off in daylight takes much more cunning.
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Ataahua
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Dec 23 2014, 6:23pm
Post #16 of 44
(979 views)
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Celebrimbor: "Pretty rings..." Dwarves: "Pretty rings..." Men: "Pretty rings..." Sauron: "Mine's better." "Ah, how ironic, the addictive qualities of Sauron’s master weapon led to its own destruction. Which just goes to show, kids - if you want two small and noble souls to succeed on a mission of dire importance... send an evil-minded beggar with them too." - Gandalf's Diaries, final par, by Ufthak. Ataahua's stories
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sador
Half-elven
Dec 23 2014, 9:13pm
Post #17 of 44
(975 views)
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Well, if BotR cracker jokes count
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The Moody Blues (best thing to come out of Birmingham since a certain professor went to study in Oxord) have a song called "House of Four Doors".
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noWizardme
Half-elven
Dec 23 2014, 11:05pm
Post #18 of 44
(967 views)
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Groaning from these great/awful jokes!! //
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~~~~~~ "nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' " Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!" This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154
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L. Ron Halfelven
Grey Havens
Dec 23 2014, 11:37pm
Post #19 of 44
(987 views)
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What did the Elf-lord say when they asked if he was married to Melian?
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"No, thilly, I'm Thingol."
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Ruxendil_Thoorg
Tol Eressea
Dec 24 2014, 2:06am
Post #21 of 44
(970 views)
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By what name is Gandalf known among the Elves of the North Pole?
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Mithreindeer.
*** He was born of mortal frailty mixed with Elven fallen realm, Comin’ home to a land he’d never been before. Arvernian behind him, sailed the seas of Middle-earth, You might say he didn’t know what lay in store. When his wife came out to find him she'd been turned into a bird, Upon her breast there shone a shining star, So he took her to his bosom, and by morn her form returned, And he shifted West to find the high Valar. And in Valinor he went before the high, In doing so, resigned himself to die. Take up arms against the Shadow, asked he of the high, of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow) of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow) * * * http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_expanded;
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Ruxendil_Thoorg
Tol Eressea
Dec 24 2014, 2:49am
Post #22 of 44
(965 views)
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Have you heard about that commercial for a bath and beauty product, named after a dragon of Morgoth?
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It's the one with the catchphrase: "Ancalagon, take me away!"
*** He was born of mortal frailty mixed with Elven fallen realm, Comin’ home to a land he’d never been before. Arvernian behind him, sailed the seas of Middle-earth, You might say he didn’t know what lay in store. When his wife came out to find him she'd been turned into a bird, Upon her breast there shone a shining star, So he took her to his bosom, and by morn her form returned, And he shifted West to find the high Valar. And in Valinor he went before the high, In doing so, resigned himself to die. Take up arms against the Shadow, asked he of the high, of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow) of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow) * * * http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_expanded;
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Bracegirdle
Valinor
Dec 24 2014, 3:22am
Post #23 of 44
(971 views)
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Five school teachers having tea is. . .
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The Prattle of Five Marmies.
“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.” But, sneaking off in daylight takes much more cunning.
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Ruxendil_Thoorg
Tol Eressea
Dec 24 2014, 3:40am
Post #24 of 44
(963 views)
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Tom, Bill, and Bert, even in mid-quarrel, wondered all night where the sun went.
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Then it dawned on them.
*** He was born of mortal frailty mixed with Elven fallen realm, Comin’ home to a land he’d never been before. Arvernian behind him, sailed the seas of Middle-earth, You might say he didn’t know what lay in store. When his wife came out to find him she'd been turned into a bird, Upon her breast there shone a shining star, So he took her to his bosom, and by morn her form returned, And he shifted West to find the high Valar. And in Valinor he went before the high, In doing so, resigned himself to die. Take up arms against the Shadow, asked he of the high, of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow) of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow) * * * http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_expanded;
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Ruxendil_Thoorg
Tol Eressea
Dec 24 2014, 4:05am
Post #25 of 44
(964 views)
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The psychic hobbit has escaped prison!
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Small medium at large!
*** He was born of mortal frailty mixed with Elven fallen realm, Comin’ home to a land he’d never been before. Arvernian behind him, sailed the seas of Middle-earth, You might say he didn’t know what lay in store. When his wife came out to find him she'd been turned into a bird, Upon her breast there shone a shining star, So he took her to his bosom, and by morn her form returned, And he shifted West to find the high Valar. And in Valinor he went before the high, In doing so, resigned himself to die. Take up arms against the Shadow, asked he of the high, of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow) of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow) * * * http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_expanded;
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