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Middle-earth cracker jokes- a new game
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noWizardme
Half-elven


Dec 22 2014, 10:44pm

Post #1 of 44 (1240 views)
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Middle-earth cracker jokes- a new game Can't Post

Please suggest jokes sufficiently lame* to go into Middle-earth crackers-- you know, jokes like:

Q: Why are balrogs such bad writers?
A: Because they cannot parse.

I'm sure you can do better (or worse) than that!


* They only have lame jokes in Middle-earth now: all the good ones Aragon.

~~~~~~

"nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' "
Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!"

This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154


Ataahua
Forum Admin / Moderator


Dec 23 2014, 12:02am

Post #2 of 44 (1060 views)
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Why can't Balrogs fly? [In reply to] Can't Post

Because they're too big for an airplane.


(Your 'cannot parse' joke is so bad, it's good. Wink)

Celebrimbor: "Pretty rings..."
Dwarves: "Pretty rings..."
Men: "Pretty rings..."
Sauron: "Mine's better."

"Ah, how ironic, the addictive qualities of Sauron’s master weapon led to its own destruction. Which just goes to show, kids - if you want two small and noble souls to succeed on a mission of dire importance... send an evil-minded beggar with them too." - Gandalf's Diaries, final par, by Ufthak.


Ataahua's stories


Bracegirdle
Valinor


Dec 23 2014, 12:32am

Post #3 of 44 (1044 views)
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Why can't Orcs dance? [In reply to] Can't Post

Because they don't have soul . . . Wink

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.”
But, sneaking off in daylight takes much more cunning.



Bracegirdle
Valinor


Dec 23 2014, 12:56am

Post #4 of 44 (1046 views)
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What does a Middle-earthquake cause? [In reply to] Can't Post

A derndingle to become a dol-dingle.

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.”
But, sneaking off in daylight takes much more cunning.



Ruxendil_Thoorg
Tol Eressea


Dec 23 2014, 1:29am

Post #5 of 44 (1037 views)
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Where does one go in Laketown to learn to become a short order cook? [In reply to] Can't Post

Cram school.

***
-The Return Journey-

Some say home, it is a shelter where one hides from the rain.

Some say home, it is a treasure great hosts rise up to claim.

Some say home, it is a memory that burned bright in the flames.

I say home, it’s the beginning where you come back again.


It’s the feet afraid of walking that never learn to run.

It’s the stone afraid of losing that never can be won.

It’s the bow afraid of yielding that cannot seem to bend,

And the pride afraid of bowing that never keeps a friend.


When the fight has been too bloody and the road has been too long,

And you think that home is only for the lucky and the strong,

Just remember, on the mountain, in the wild and bitter snow,

You will find your seed of courage, and you'll earn your journey home.

* * *
http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_expanded;


shadowdog
Rohan

Dec 23 2014, 1:53am

Post #6 of 44 (1037 views)
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Why is Thorin a dwarf? [In reply to] Can't Post

Because he is only helf and elf.


Gianna
Rohan


Dec 23 2014, 1:56am

Post #7 of 44 (1034 views)
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What did Thorin say to Azog? [In reply to] Can't Post

I Fili like Kiling you!

~There's some good left in this world. And it's worth fighting for.~


Brethil
Half-elven


Dec 23 2014, 4:15am

Post #8 of 44 (1043 views)
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How did Sauron's answering machine drive Saruman to evil? [In reply to] Can't Post

"I'm busy, but I'll give you a ring soon."








(This post was edited by Brethil on Dec 23 2014, 4:16am)


noWizardme
Half-elven


Dec 23 2014, 8:58am

Post #9 of 44 (1010 views)
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why would Mick Jagger never escape from Orthanc? [In reply to] Can't Post

Because a Rolling Stone gathers no moths.

~~~~~~

"nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' "
Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!"

This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154


noWizardme
Half-elven


Dec 23 2014, 10:08am

Post #10 of 44 (1010 views)
Shortcut
why is Saruman's pocket all wet? [In reply to] Can't Post

Because his pipe weed.

~~~~~~

"nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' "
Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!"

This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154


noWizardme
Half-elven


Dec 23 2014, 10:11am

Post #11 of 44 (1002 views)
Shortcut
"fancy some more pipe-weed? I've got plenty!" [In reply to] Can't Post

"fancy some more pipe-weed? I've got plenty!"
"Orthanc's?"
"You're welcome."

~~~~~~

"nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' "
Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!"

This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154


noWizardme
Half-elven


Dec 23 2014, 10:28am

Post #12 of 44 (1013 views)
Shortcut
a dwarf door walks into a bar. [In reply to] Can't Post

a dwarf door walks into a bar.
Then two more dwarf doors walk in.
Wait! You can't simply walk in, Two More Doors!

~~~~~~

"nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' "
Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!"

This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154


noWizardme
Half-elven


Dec 23 2014, 11:06am

Post #13 of 44 (1003 views)
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More of a realization than a cracker joke... [In reply to] Can't Post

My brother in law once had a job driving a truck to deliver doors. I'l have to ask him whether he ever exploited the comic potential:

  • When he was delivering, he could have banged on the lumber yard gates and called out in a thin, menacing voice "Open, in the name of more doors!"
  • Or, having unloaded, he could have looked in the empty van and shouted "Four Gone Doors!"


~~~~~~

"nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' "
Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!"

This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154


noWizardme
Half-elven


Dec 23 2014, 11:48am

Post #14 of 44 (1007 views)
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What do you call Thorin without his clothes on? [In reply to] Can't Post

Freezin.

(Or, possibly; invisible behind a wall of excited fangirls....)

~~~~~~

"nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' "
Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!"

This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154


Bracegirdle
Valinor


Dec 23 2014, 3:41pm

Post #15 of 44 (993 views)
Shortcut
What did the Hobbits in the Green Dragon call pari-mutuel betting on soccer? [In reply to] Can't Post

"A Bywater Pool" Cool

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.”
But, sneaking off in daylight takes much more cunning.



Ataahua
Forum Admin / Moderator


Dec 23 2014, 6:23pm

Post #16 of 44 (979 views)
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Oh well done. >:D / [In reply to] Can't Post

 

Celebrimbor: "Pretty rings..."
Dwarves: "Pretty rings..."
Men: "Pretty rings..."
Sauron: "Mine's better."

"Ah, how ironic, the addictive qualities of Sauron’s master weapon led to its own destruction. Which just goes to show, kids - if you want two small and noble souls to succeed on a mission of dire importance... send an evil-minded beggar with them too." - Gandalf's Diaries, final par, by Ufthak.


Ataahua's stories


sador
Half-elven


Dec 23 2014, 9:13pm

Post #17 of 44 (975 views)
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Well, if BotR cracker jokes count [In reply to] Can't Post

The Moody Blues (best thing to come out of Birmingham since a certain professor went to study in Oxord) have a song called "House of Four Doors".


noWizardme
Half-elven


Dec 23 2014, 11:05pm

Post #18 of 44 (967 views)
Shortcut
Groaning from these great/awful jokes!! // [In reply to] Can't Post

 

~~~~~~

"nowimë I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' "
Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!"

This year LOTR turns 60. The following image is my LOTR 60th anniversary party footer! You can get yours here: http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=762154#762154


L. Ron Halfelven
Grey Havens


Dec 23 2014, 11:37pm

Post #19 of 44 (987 views)
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What did the Elf-lord say when they asked if he was married to Melian? [In reply to] Can't Post

"No, thilly, I'm Thingol."


Ethel Duath
Half-elven


Dec 24 2014, 2:02am

Post #20 of 44 (956 views)
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Mods up! // [In reply to] Can't Post

 



Ruxendil_Thoorg
Tol Eressea


Dec 24 2014, 2:06am

Post #21 of 44 (970 views)
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By what name is Gandalf known among the Elves of the North Pole? [In reply to] Can't Post

Mithreindeer.

***

He was born of mortal frailty mixed with Elven fallen realm,
Comin’ home to a land he’d never been before.
Arvernian behind him, sailed the seas of Middle-earth,
You might say he didn’t know what lay in store.

When his wife came out to find him she'd been turned into a bird,
Upon her breast there shone a shining star,
So he took her to his bosom, and by morn her form returned,
And he shifted West to find the high Valar.

And in Valinor he went before the high,
In doing so, resigned himself to die.
Take up arms against the Shadow, asked he of the high,
of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow)
of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow)

* * *
http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_expanded;


Ruxendil_Thoorg
Tol Eressea


Dec 24 2014, 2:49am

Post #22 of 44 (965 views)
Shortcut
Have you heard about that commercial for a bath and beauty product, named after a dragon of Morgoth? [In reply to] Can't Post

It's the one with the catchphrase: "Ancalagon, take me away!"

***

He was born of mortal frailty mixed with Elven fallen realm,
Comin’ home to a land he’d never been before.
Arvernian behind him, sailed the seas of Middle-earth,
You might say he didn’t know what lay in store.

When his wife came out to find him she'd been turned into a bird,
Upon her breast there shone a shining star,
So he took her to his bosom, and by morn her form returned,
And he shifted West to find the high Valar.

And in Valinor he went before the high,
In doing so, resigned himself to die.
Take up arms against the Shadow, asked he of the high,
of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow)
of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow)

* * *
http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_expanded;


Bracegirdle
Valinor


Dec 24 2014, 3:22am

Post #23 of 44 (971 views)
Shortcut
Five school teachers having tea is. . . [In reply to] Can't Post

The Prattle of Five Marmies. WinkWink

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.”
But, sneaking off in daylight takes much more cunning.



Ruxendil_Thoorg
Tol Eressea


Dec 24 2014, 3:40am

Post #24 of 44 (963 views)
Shortcut
Tom, Bill, and Bert, even in mid-quarrel, wondered all night where the sun went. [In reply to] Can't Post

Then it dawned on them.

***

He was born of mortal frailty mixed with Elven fallen realm,
Comin’ home to a land he’d never been before.
Arvernian behind him, sailed the seas of Middle-earth,
You might say he didn’t know what lay in store.

When his wife came out to find him she'd been turned into a bird,
Upon her breast there shone a shining star,
So he took her to his bosom, and by morn her form returned,
And he shifted West to find the high Valar.

And in Valinor he went before the high,
In doing so, resigned himself to die.
Take up arms against the Shadow, asked he of the high,
of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow)
of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow)

* * *
http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_expanded;


Ruxendil_Thoorg
Tol Eressea


Dec 24 2014, 4:05am

Post #25 of 44 (964 views)
Shortcut
The psychic hobbit has escaped prison! [In reply to] Can't Post

Small medium at large!

***

He was born of mortal frailty mixed with Elven fallen realm,
Comin’ home to a land he’d never been before.
Arvernian behind him, sailed the seas of Middle-earth,
You might say he didn’t know what lay in store.

When his wife came out to find him she'd been turned into a bird,
Upon her breast there shone a shining star,
So he took her to his bosom, and by morn her form returned,
And he shifted West to find the high Valar.

And in Valinor he went before the high,
In doing so, resigned himself to die.
Take up arms against the Shadow, asked he of the high,
of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow)
of the Valar high. (Fight, fight the Shadow)

* * *
http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_expanded;

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