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Darkstone
Immortal
Aug 22 2014, 2:15pm
Post #1 of 41
(950 views)
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Bizarre comparison
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From http://www.newyorker.com/...paring-ferguson-iraq:
In my brief encounters with protest culture, I have not found it to be free from grandstanding, or from the tendency to lump together every single oppressed person ever as allies in a single “Lord of the Rings”-style showdown.
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Brother will fight brother and both be his slayer,
brother and sister will violate all bonds of kinship;
hard it will be in the world, there will be much failure of honor,
an age of axes, an age of swords, where shields are shattered,
an age of winds, an age of wolves, where the world comes crashing down;
no man will spare another.
-From the Völuspá, 13th Century
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Rembrethil
Tol Eressea
Aug 22 2014, 2:40pm
Post #2 of 41
(775 views)
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Some strange analogies and metaphors from around the Web
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These are analogies and metaphors found in college essays:
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Call me Rem, and remember, not all who ramble are lost...Uh...where was I?
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acheron
Gondor
Aug 22 2014, 2:48pm
Post #3 of 41
(765 views)
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those were actually from a bad analogy contest
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Not really found in essays. Hilarious though.
(they're from the "Style Invitational" in the Washington Post)
For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars, and so on -- while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man, for precisely the same reasons. -- Douglas Adams
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Rembrethil
Tol Eressea
Aug 22 2014, 2:54pm
Post #4 of 41
(751 views)
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just goes to show that you can't trust the Internet....tricksy it is, precious...*gollum*
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Call me Rem, and remember, not all who ramble are lost...Uh...where was I?
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Dame Ioreth
Tol Eressea
Aug 22 2014, 2:56pm
Post #5 of 41
(753 views)
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I read similar things in some really bad fanfics and I don't think they were trying to be funny. 
These had me laughing so hard I was crying. 'Scuze me, I need a tissue.
Where there's life there's hope, and need of vittles.
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
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Dame Ioreth
Tol Eressea
Aug 22 2014, 3:11pm
Post #6 of 41
(755 views)
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Just went and looked that Post contest up again
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Here's a link and another link from two separate contests.
Hilarious!
Where there's life there's hope, and need of vittles.
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
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Loresilme
Valinor
Aug 22 2014, 7:40pm
Post #7 of 41
(737 views)
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These are so bad they're good!
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The Grey Elf
Grey Havens
Aug 23 2014, 12:41pm
Post #8 of 41
(728 views)
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Same here, DI, I was giggling to sobs. We should so do something like this with a ME theme! I'll start 
Black speech is as horrible to experience as hearing your sphincter suddenly start barking Nazi propaganda after you've eaten too much pineapple and when you don't even know a word of German.
(apologies for the scat)
In the vein of the Ice Bucket challenge, I nominate Darkstone, DI and Rem to compose a bizarre analogy (and feel free to donate to your favorite charity, as well  )
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Riven Delve
Tol Eressea
Aug 23 2014, 1:47pm
Post #9 of 41
(689 views)
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I needed that laugh! 
“Tollers,” Lewis said to Tolkien, “there is too little of what we really like in stories. I am afraid we shall have to try and write some ourselves.”
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Dame Ioreth
Tol Eressea
Aug 23 2014, 3:43pm
Post #10 of 41
(692 views)
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Do I have 24 hours? I'm not good under pressure. All I came up with so far is:
Saruman was the White Wizard, the kind of white you get when you leave one black sock in the whites load.
The surface of Galadriel's Mirror was smooth, as smooth as the chin of a dwarf woman isn't.
It was a Hobbit hole, and that means comfort, the kind of comfort you get when you fly British Airways not American Airlines and your flight is cancelled so that you have to spend the night in O'Hare. (Sorry Daniel)
Not all who wander are lost, some are merely misplaced, like handkerchiefs on the way to adventures.
I nominate... Brethil, Meneldor, and dernwyn
PS Sorry Darkstone, we hijacked your thread...
Where there's life there's hope, and need of vittles.
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
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The Grey Elf
Grey Havens
Aug 23 2014, 4:01pm
Post #11 of 41
(686 views)
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Though hate to be a hijacker. Should we start a new thread under Main?
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The Grey Elf
Grey Havens
Aug 23 2014, 4:39pm
Post #12 of 41
(702 views)
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It needs to be stated that Thorin Oakenshield was so handsome he should more rightly be called armsome.
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Rembrethil
Tol Eressea
Aug 23 2014, 7:02pm
Post #13 of 41
(683 views)
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Elves are such bad counselors, that getting a straight answer from them is like playing 'Pin-the-wings-on-the-Balrog' at a party; no one can agree if your problems are literal, metaphorical, or just full of smoke.
I nominate...
Bracegirdle, BlackFox, and Starling....
Call me Rem, and remember, not all who ramble are lost...Uh...where was I?
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Meneldor
Valinor
Aug 23 2014, 7:06pm
Post #14 of 41
(676 views)
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The White Lady of Lothlorien slowly and gracefully glided near.
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Tall, white, and fair, with her slender height, glorious hair of long flowing tresses of deepest gold, eyes keen as lances and deep as wells of purest azure sparkling in the reflected gleaming lambent radiance of countless glittering starry orbs, flawless fair skin of alabaster clarity sheathed in shimmering silken folds of shining silky samite, limbs as slender and graceful as strong young birch trees growing tall in good soil, clean water, and clear sunlight, and an ageless face as delicate and well-formed as the most exotic of prized and carefully tended hothouse flowers, Galadriel was beautiful beyond description.
I admit, I adapted that from one that I'd heard before. If I come up with something more original, I'll share it later. Can I pick someone now? Hey, Kim! What are twin sisters for if you can't pick on them? 
They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters, these see the works of the Lord, and His wonders in the deep. -Psalm 107
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Brethil
Half-elven
Aug 23 2014, 7:53pm
Post #15 of 41
(682 views)
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Thorin and Fili lay silently in the darkened wood.
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Thorin whispered, barely louder than breath, "Fili, you must listen with all your being for the sound of Orcs in the night."
"What sound do they make, Uncle?"
Thorin answered tersely. "Like a frog eating beans."
****** I nominate Silverlode******
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BlackFox
Half-elven
Aug 23 2014, 9:33pm
Post #16 of 41
(667 views)
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'I am old, Gandalf. I don’t look it, but I am beginning to feel it in my heart of hearts. Well-preserved indeed!' Bilbo snorted. 'Why, I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like having only a small coke to wash down those extra large fries.'
I nominate cats16!
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To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.
- William Blake, Auguries of Innocence
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Kim
Valinor
Aug 24 2014, 2:33am
Post #17 of 41
(637 views)
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You pick on me and you know what you're gonna get!
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Thorin's wavy locks wafted in the gentle summer breeze and brushed his cheek like a butterfly's kiss.
I challenge DanielLB!
“Will you follow me, one last time?”
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dernwyn
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Aug 24 2014, 3:19am
Post #18 of 41
(636 views)
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The bleary-eyed Admin plodded wearily through the latest postings on the Hobbit Movie board, looking for trolls - not the kind named Bert, Tom, and William, although it's quite possible those could really be their names, and indeed the names of perfectly respectable TORnfolk; why, who knew, it could even be that Dame Ioreth's real name was "Billie Huggins", however it was highly improbable that she would detest the very sight of Dwarves (uncooked).
Okay, that was bad...now, I nominate Ethel Duath! Where is that gal?
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"I desired dragons with a profound desire"
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Meneldor
Valinor
Aug 24 2014, 4:44am
Post #19 of 41
(635 views)
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Everyone try to contain your shock and amazement.
They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters, these see the works of the Lord, and His wonders in the deep. -Psalm 107
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Ethel Duath
Half-elven
Aug 24 2014, 4:49am
Post #20 of 41
(630 views)
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Heh. Trying to draft my brain cells into service.
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Hmmmm.
The ring flew into the air over Frodo's head as he grabbed for it desperately, while it glinted in the lamplight like the sugar on a 3-day-old glazed donut accidentally hoisted into the air on the end of a balloon string inadvertently released by a howling toddler at the New Jersey state fairgrounds.
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Bracegirdle
Valinor
Aug 24 2014, 1:52pm
Post #21 of 41
(630 views)
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I ain't no good at this ... but
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"Cold be hand and heart and bone, as cold as July 4th in Death Valley is not."
“Uva uvam vivendo varia fit."
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The Grey Elf
Grey Havens
Aug 24 2014, 1:59pm
Post #22 of 41
(614 views)
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Don't forget to nominate another 'sib.
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The Grey Elf
Grey Havens
Aug 24 2014, 2:02pm
Post #23 of 41
(624 views)
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Got anyone you'd like to nominate?
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Dame Ioreth
Tol Eressea
Aug 24 2014, 2:51pm
Post #24 of 41
(608 views)
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All that talk of kids and hearth and home is just a cover. Ask Brethil. I'm really a 6'4" redneck named Bubba who likes to watch WWE reruns " 'cuz it might come out diff'ernt this time."
Where there's life there's hope, and need of vittles.
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
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Dame Ioreth
Tol Eressea
Aug 24 2014, 3:01pm
Post #25 of 41
(600 views)
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Says the guy who wrote about whom?
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Neither of you could bring yourselves to be silly about your crushes either.
Not that I expected anything less.
Devotion runs deep.
....
...as deep as the latrines on the seventh level of Minas Tirith.
Where there's life there's hope, and need of vittles.
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
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