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***The Tolkienia Times: 60th Year of Fellowship Celebration Edition!***


Jul 29 2014, 6:38am

Post #1 of 10 (1672 views)
***The Tolkienia Times: 60th Year of Fellowship Celebration Edition!*** Can't Post

The Editors of the Tolkienia Times are pleased to announce the commencement of the 60th Anniversary celebrations of The Fellowship of the Ring!

A Much Expected Party

Citizens of Tolkienia arose this morning in great anticipation of the theonering.net’s celebration of the 60th Anniversary of the publication of The Fellowship of the Ring. Although the schedule of events on the one ring.net board celebrations are posted on that site, they are also listed here at the bottom of this article.

Unlike the last joint celebration which had to be moved to the Message Boards due to an extreme lack of weather, the head of the Tolkienia Weather Service, DanielLB, reports that a strong high pressure zone will ensure blue skies and light winds, perfect for the outdoor events planned.

As before, the Tolkienia underground will offer free service today between the Message Boards and the Bywater Train Station. Also, reduced fees for local Tolkienian tours will be offered between the hours of 9:00 A.M. and 6:00 P.M. Contact the Bywater Station or the Mayor’s office for more information.

The celebrations commence at exactly 9:00 A.M. when the Horn Call of Buckland will be played on the original instrument used by Meriadoc Brandybuck.

Long preserved in a sealed, climate-controlled case in a hidden vault under the Town Hall, the horn was recently put on display under glass and with extraordinary security measures (rumors place an enormous hound, and several stocky, luxuriantly bearded and armored personnel in the vicinity) in the E. I. Pheriannath Memorial Library lobby.

The horn will be played by Message Board resident Meneldor who has ancestral experience with horns and other wind instruments.

The Horn of Buckland

After a short speech by the mayor, the Celeborn High School marching band will lead a parade of all willing and able townsfolk around the town square and down Gladden Fields Drive to Inchbonnie Road, then onto Gandalf’s Ride, ending with a ceremony at the library where the horn will be reinstalled in it’s display case.

The many festivities taking place around the country, both public and private, include hayrides, craft festivals in several locations, and a small carnival which is open to the public for the cost of four farthings per person located at the north end of Monument Square Green.

The carnival boasts the largest dragon-themed roller coaster within 200 miles of this venue, and a 60 foot tall inflatable cavern and bouncing area called “The Mouth of Moria.” A large plastic octopus floats in the nearby pond, for swimmers to rest, or to use as a diving board.

A children’s area on the northwest end offers hair painting and ear stenciling, as well as game booths featuring contests such as Legolas Limbo, a Nazgul Piñata, and Pin the Whisker on the Warg.

For those interested in leisurely elegance and fine dining, barge tours are available leaving from the Eyott Club every half-hour, beginning at 10:00 A.M. These tours along both the South and West Baranduin are scheduled with stops at various parties being held in private homes along the river.

To close the day’s festivities, the mayor will preside at the launching of the new flagship coast guard vessel, “Melloncirya” at 7:00 P.M. at the Eyott Club Marina.

The “Melloncirya,” ready for launch.

The name means, literally “friend-ship,” the play on words reflecting the desire of the Mayor and the Town Council to present a welcoming presence on our borders and surrounding waterways.

Artist’s rendering of the “Melloncirya”
patrolling the South Baranduin.

Meneldor will again be the featured guest, as he will formally christen the new vessel at precisely eleventy-one o’clock, P.M., Shire Mean Time.

The ceremony will be followed by fireworks over the South Baranduin, as all citizens pause to reflect on the joy and pleasure of the launching of their new vessel, and the launching, long ago, of one of the great works of western literature, and the Reason for Being of the town, nation, and website we call home.


Below is the message board schedule for the convenience of those citizens making the 15 minute underground trip, which disembarks on the Boards at "Main."

Passengers wishing to visit the other official party venue, the Movie Discussion: The Lord of the Rings board, will need to proceed on foot, following the clearly marked navigation buttons as no shuttle is available.

Main Discussion Board

A selection of book cover footers by long-time Message Board member and Mathom House Founder and Director, Magpie

A game hosted by our very own Tolkienian Lead Meteorologist, DanielLB

Brainteaser by the highly esteemed Admin/Modar, dernwyn

MadLib by the inestimable and inexhaustible game creator, Bracegirdle

LotR Discussion Board

Posts by FOTR Party Director, Mistress of Ceremonies, and beloved resident of both the Message Boards and Tolkienia, grammaboodawg:



6-topic line fanfic

Post by BlackFox, kind and erudite Message Board resident, and their only (known) active member from the beautiful nation of Estonia:

FOTR-themed quiz


Jul 29 2014, 6:49am

Post #2 of 10 (1245 views)
***Page 2: Tolkienia Weather Service Special Report and Ads!*** [In reply to] Can't Post

Tolkienia Weather Service 60th Anniversary Special Report: The Loudwater Flash Flood of October 20, 3018.

As part of the 60th anniversary celebrations in Tolkienia, the TWS have compiled a special summary report of the Loudwater flash flood which occurred on October 20, 3018. Recounting the events of a day some 60 years ago can often be problematic. Luckily for the TWS, a large Red Book (embossed with Westmarch across the leather exterior) mysteriously landed in our letter box some weeks ago. Filled with skilfully woven weather events in numerous theatrical backdrops, it has allowed us to reconstruct one remarkable day. Using eye witness statements and testimonies; along with synoptic charts and atmospheric model results; photographs and a bit of speculation, the TWS recreate the particularly dramatic flash flood that occurred on October 20, 3018.

As written in the book, on the day of October 20, 3018, a young rider named Mr. Frodo Baggins had been journeying to Rivendell in search of food and rest. The accounts of that day are brief and rushed, and many of the pages are torn or missing. However, it is clear that Mr. Baggins was attacked by nine strangers, most likely for his jewellery. The robbers were clothed all in black, and were also on black steeds. The account is particularly remarkable, with Shadowfax carrying a wounded Frodo over the Ford of Bruinen and outpacing the nine riders. Suddenly, and without warning, the nine black riders were swept away by a “wall of water”. In a state of delusion, the account suggests the flood took the form of horses. All nine black horses perished in the events, and their bodies were later recovered and buried. Of the robbers that were pursuing the traveler, no bodies were found, but they were presumed to have perished in the floodwater.

Figure 1 – Artists impression of October 20, 3018.

A study 10 years ago, by geologist Mr. A. Noah, confirmed that there had indeed been a flood along the Loudwater in the year 3018, which included evidence of sedimentary deposits and polystrate fossils in the nearby area. Some people assert that the flood was actually a global event, but that is not what is described in the Red Book of Westmarch. There are few eyewitness accounts of the day, but the TWS are led to believe that screams described as “bloodcurdling” and “spine-chilling” were heard in the vicinity. So what was the cause of this sudden and terrifying event? High resolution model simulations of the event show that for 48 hours (16 and 17 October), heavy orographic rain persisted throughout the Trollshaw foothill country (see figure 2). Could this cause a wall of water three days later on 20 October? Yes, it seems. Although more usually associated with sudden heavy thunderstorms in the mountains, flash flooding can produce sudden rises in river levels lower down the watercourse later on. Should a wall or temporary dam of water-born debris suddenly break under steadily increasing pressure of the dammed-up flood water, both debris and flood can be released suddenly to form a wall of water. For our intrepid explorer, it was particularly handy that he should cross the river at that exact moment. The most unusual description of the event is that the break water took the form of horses. Since Mr. Baggins was in a state of delusion, we can only assume he saw the black horses washed away by the foam, which appeared to him the waves looking like horses.

Figure 2 – Synoptic chart for 1200 UTC October 20, 3018.

Though it has been 60 years to the day since this event, conspiracy theories are still copiously brandished amongst the residents of Tolkienia. There is certainly no shortage of conspiratorial claims out there. The most widely cited and argued conspiracy theory is that this extreme weather-related event was not actually a result of an upstream dam breaking at all. A number of notable residents of Tolkienia question the TWS re-analysis forecast for that day; suggesting that the forecasters haven’t a clue at what they are talking about. Instead, they propose that the flood was actually the work of a sorcerer. Archaeological evidence from the river suggests that the mythological Olórin and Peredhil enchanters may have been present at the time of the flood (figure 3).However, two names in other accounts have also appeared, Glorfindel and Arwen. Since the
different accounts disagree as to who might have been present with Mr. Baggins, then we can deflate the theory of mysterious magical individuals being present altogether. Other alternative theories for the flood are downright ridiculous – chemtrails, UFOs, the chupacabra, and the New World Order – have all been falsified. Regardless of the cause, it is undeniable that such an event is a very rare occurrence. Will it ever happen again? Estimating the likelihood of the event happening again, the TWS have concluded that a storm of that magnitude tends to happen every 200 years. For the time being, the residents of Tolkienia are safe, and the Ford of Bruinen remains open for traffic.

Figure 3 – Is this Olórin? A carving of a man with a staff was found near the river bank along the Loudwater.

- The Tolkienia Weather Service
Written by lead meteorologist, DanielLB



(This post was edited by DanielLB on Jul 29 2014, 7:01am)


Jul 29 2014, 6:57am

Post #3 of 10 (1239 views)
***Page 3: Crossword, Nerdsnorts and 'Answers from the Hall of Fire'*** [In reply to] Can't Post

The Fellowship of the Ring Crossword

Please see our attached file for your crossword. Answers will be given when you speak the magic password. Crafted by Chief Puzzler, Rembrethil.


Celebrations Around Middle-earth: Answers from the Hall of Fire

Submitted by Staff Reporter Brethil

On assignment this week, I stopped by Rivendell's Hall of Fire to check in on the 60th Anniversary Publishing celebration. The Tolkienia Times had reliable word that events were planned around the Jubilee date, and we wanted to give you in Tolkienia the story first.

First, I ran into the brothers Elladan and Elrohir.

Times: So what are you two doing to celebrate tonight, Elladan?

Elf prince: I am Elrohir.

Times: Oh, I'm sorry. Elrohir, what are your plans tonight?

Elf prince: You must ask my brother.

Times: Your plans Elladan?

Elf prince: I am Elrohir.

Times: Ah, Elrohir. As I was saying...

Elf prince: Weren't you asking me?

Other Elf prince: I think she was asking me.

Times: Can I get some wine please?

Bilbo Baggins was also on hand for the event.

Times: Good to see you, Mr. Baggins.

Bilbo: Yes, yes, you as well. I wonder where the wine steward ended up at last?

Times: 'Not all who wonder are last'. Haha.

Bilbo: Don't quit your day job.

Some while later I met up with Elrond Half-Elven, the lord of Rivendell, to ask him some questions.

Times: Lord Elrond, how do you feel about sailing West some day?

Elrond: Joyous and sad.

Times: What do you think about JRRT sharing your story with the world-at-large?

Elrond: It is difficult to say.

Times: Elves and dragons, or cabbages and potatoes?

Elrond: Certainly one of them.

Times: Is the ladies room that way?

Elrond: Yes and no.

That about sums it up for reporters who go questing after Elves. Thanks all, and happy 60th.



by Dame Ioreth

Chemistry Puns? I'm in my element!
Do you know any jokes about Sodium? Na.
I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones Argon.
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium
Argon walks into a bar. The Barman says "Get out! We don't serve noble gases here!" Argon doesn't react.

I put my root beer in a square mug and now it's beer!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
To Who.
No no no. To Whom.

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense.

Rene Descartes was drinking some beer in a bar and the barman asked "Would you like another?" Descarte answered "I think not. Wait.. no... Wait, oh nooooooo..."

LOTR version of the glass is half full:
Optimists think the glass is half full.
Pessimists think the glass is half empty.
Engineers think the glass is twice the size it needs to be.
Surrealists think the glass is half a slowly rotting lemon.
Hobbits ask if that's a pint glass.
Dwarves demand to know who drank the other half of their beer.
Bilbo thinks the mugs of half of you are half as full as he should like; and I like less than half of you are half as full as you deserve.


(This post was edited by DanielLB on Jul 29 2014, 6:59am)
Attachments: Puzzle (1).pdf (34.3 KB)


Jul 29 2014, 8:50am

Post #4 of 10 (1224 views)
Once again, great job, everybody! // [In reply to] Can't Post


“Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.” - Henry David Thoreau


Jul 29 2014, 6:10pm

Post #5 of 10 (1204 views)
Bravo! Here's to the good ship Melloncirya [In reply to] Can't Post

Love the ads and the stories are classics.

Melloncirya is also pretty brilliant -

Very nicely done. And glad to have a FOTR Crossword to work on later!


The Grey Elf
Grey Havens

Jul 29 2014, 10:18pm

Post #6 of 10 (1200 views)
Thanks for the fun read, everyone. And Happy Anniversary!!! // [In reply to] Can't Post



Jul 30 2014, 4:39pm

Post #7 of 10 (1199 views)
*applause* Bravo! *snigger* lack of weather ;) [In reply to] Can't Post

And to literally (pardon the pun) have a "friend-ship" is brilliant!

What an honour to have our very own Tolkienia Times to celebrate this grand Anniversary. Thank you so much!!! :D

6th draft of TH:AUJ Geeky Observation List - November 28, 2013
4th draft of TH:DOS Geeky Observation List - May 15, 2014


"There is more in you of good than you know, child of the kindly West."

I'm SO HAPPY these new films take me back to that magical world!!

TIME Google Calendar
TORn's Geeky Observations Lists for LotR and The Hobbit


Jul 30 2014, 4:44pm

Post #8 of 10 (1188 views)
Omg! We even have a weather map! [In reply to] Can't Post

And such purdy waves!

I'm so glad that the illustrious Professor Noah confirmed it really happened. So may neigh... I mean... naysayers cloud up the facts every time ;)


6th draft of TH:AUJ Geeky Observation List - November 28, 2013
4th draft of TH:DOS Geeky Observation List - May 15, 2014


"There is more in you of good than you know, child of the kindly West."

I'm SO HAPPY these new films take me back to that magical world!!

TIME Google Calendar
TORn's Geeky Observations Lists for LotR and The Hobbit


Jul 30 2014, 4:50pm

Post #9 of 10 (1188 views)
Puzzle me this and nerdsnort me that! [In reply to] Can't Post

Okay... now I'm in trouble! I'm at work as I'm reading these... ON MY BREAK, THAG YOU VERY BUCH! Anyway... I'm trying to stifle my giggles through the "elements" only to totally burst out loud during the glasses full and not ;)

What fun! THANK YOU!!!! *still giggling* :)

OH... I'll do the crossword on my next break ;)

6th draft of TH:AUJ Geeky Observation List - November 28, 2013
4th draft of TH:DOS Geeky Observation List - May 15, 2014


"There is more in you of good than you know, child of the kindly West."

I'm SO HAPPY these new films take me back to that magical world!!

TIME Google Calendar
TORn's Geeky Observations Lists for LotR and The Hobbit


Aug 1 2014, 6:25am

Post #10 of 10 (1194 views)
Have you completed our crossword yet? [In reply to] Can't Post

You can check your answers against the answer key which I have now attached.


Attachments: Answers.pdf (38.6 KB)


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