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Middle-earth Conspiracy Theories
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Ataahua
Superuser / Moderator


Mar 15 2014, 8:42pm

Post #1 of 36 (1092 views)
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Middle-earth Conspiracy Theories Can't Post

So what was the real reason that Dain Ironfoot didn't lend Thorin a hand to retake Erebor?

Celebrimbor: "Pretty rings..."
Dwarves: "Pretty rings..."
Men: "Pretty rings..."
Sauron: "Mine's better."

"Ah, how ironic, the addictive qualities of Sauronís master weapon led to its own destruction. Which just goes to show, kids - if you want two small and noble souls to succeed on a mission of dire importance... send an evil-minded beggar with them too." - Gandalf's Diaries, final par, by Ufthak.


Ataahua's stories


elaen32
Gondor


Mar 15 2014, 9:39pm

Post #2 of 36 (805 views)
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Thorin had once called Dain's prize battle boar " Bacon" [In reply to] Can't Post

 


Is there a Tolkien topic that you have wanted to look into more deeply and write about your thoughts on it? If so, we'd like to hear from you for the next TORn Amateur Symposium- coming in April. Happy writing!



BlackFox
Valinor


Mar 15 2014, 9:58pm

Post #3 of 36 (808 views)
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Quoting Riven Delve: Hair envy [In reply to] Can't Post

http://newboards.theonering.net/...i?post=716070#716070

"Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere." - Albert Einstein


DanielLB
Immortal


Mar 15 2014, 10:24pm

Post #4 of 36 (786 views)
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Dain: "Sorry, I can't come out tonight. I'm washing my beard". / [In reply to] Can't Post

 


Ataahua
Superuser / Moderator


Mar 15 2014, 11:09pm

Post #5 of 36 (779 views)
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*snort* / [In reply to] Can't Post

 

Celebrimbor: "Pretty rings..."
Dwarves: "Pretty rings..."
Men: "Pretty rings..."
Sauron: "Mine's better."

"Ah, how ironic, the addictive qualities of Sauronís master weapon led to its own destruction. Which just goes to show, kids - if you want two small and noble souls to succeed on a mission of dire importance... send an evil-minded beggar with them too." - Gandalf's Diaries, final par, by Ufthak.


Ataahua's stories


Plurmo
Rohan

Mar 16 2014, 1:27am

Post #6 of 36 (768 views)
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Prudence. While his feet are made of iron, the arms are made of oak.// [In reply to] Can't Post

 


Meneldor
Tol Eressea


Mar 16 2014, 1:30am

Post #7 of 36 (773 views)
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His own realm cost him a foot, [In reply to] Can't Post

so he figured Erebor would cost an arm and a leg.


They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters; These see the works of the Lord, and His wonders in the deep.


Ruxendil_Thoorg
Grey Havens


Mar 16 2014, 1:34am

Post #8 of 36 (768 views)
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Something about the brother of Dis that prompted in Dain feelings of DisDain. // [In reply to] Can't Post

 

Things overheard during games of chess in Middle-earth:

Galadriel (any and every time she advances her pawn to the last row): "In its place you would have a QUEEN!!!!" (thunder booms)

http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_expanded;


SirDennisC
Half-elven


Mar 16 2014, 2:48am

Post #9 of 36 (760 views)
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Because through carelessness Thorin often called him Leadfoot. // [In reply to] Can't Post

 


SirDennisC
Half-elven


Mar 16 2014, 2:49am

Post #10 of 36 (759 views)
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"I just had my beard did." // [In reply to] Can't Post

 


Ruxendil_Thoorg
Grey Havens


Mar 16 2014, 3:00am

Post #11 of 36 (761 views)
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Because Thorin once asked whether the war pigs of the Iron Hills were shod with pig iron. // [In reply to] Can't Post

 

Things overheard during games of chess in Middle-earth:

Galadriel (any and every time she advances her pawn to the last row): "In its place you would have a QUEEN!!!!" (thunder booms)

http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_expanded;


Lissuin
Tol Eressea


Mar 16 2014, 6:39am

Post #12 of 36 (827 views)
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These things are only whispered of when the name "Ironfoot" is mentioned in Erebor. [In reply to] Can't Post

Dain Ironfoot, though a steadfast and loyal dwarf and leader of his people, hated three things above all else: mountains, mining and living underground. He had a shameful secret, revealed only to his therapist and his nan: he loved fishing and milk cows and brussel sprouts and making cunning little toys for the kids in his spare time - with a passion such as only a dwarf can feel. Gold left him cold. Silver made him shiver. Rubies were for boobies (you know, dumbies).

Rumors had come of an enchanting, mineral-poor, very flat country to the east, made up of a peninsula and several large islands, average elevation 100 feet, highest point 561 feet, 4349.6 miles of coastline, and wherever you were you were never more than 30 miles from the sea. It had lots and lots of rich, green grass and, presumably, lots of fish.

The heart of the dwarf burned to see this land, to cast nets and lines into its teaming waters, to tend a herd of docile dappled dairy cows, to grow a bit of veg, to leave dirt and darkness behind him forever. Dain sent scouts over sea and over land to bring him news of this place; he hired boatbuilders from a large settlement of lake men to prepare vessels in secret; he was planning his getaway to a new life with a few doughty like-minded lactarians as companions, leaving the rest of the occupants of the Iron Hills to the capable care of, well, somebody else.

But then! Who should appear asking for familial obligations to yet again be honored but that vainglorious blacksmith, Thorin of the Oakenshield, bent on a suicidal mission of revenge and re-conquest. Fool! Could he not see the value of cheer and bio-organic food over morose madness and malodorous meat?! No matter: it would not be his concern. "Let he who chooseth to live by the axe die by the axe!" Dain had also had enough of cleaning up other dwarves' messes with big uglies, and his dour, hair-obsessed cousin went away to his certain doom.

Months later, as all neared readiness for departure to the new land of milk and fish, word came of the daring doings of the Ereborians at the Lonely Mountain. Against the expectations of everyone on Middle-earth, except Thorin of the Silken Tresses, Smaug the Tremendously Arrogant had been killed! Problem solved! But no! Now others sought to take a cut of the treasure, and once again Thorin called for the aid of his kin. Blood, being somewhat thicker than milk (and Dain having a few of his own grudges against elves and thinking a bit of treasure wouldn't be a bad thing to have when setting up a new kingdom), the dwarves of the Iron Hills set off at a snappy pace.

TMALSS: there was a great slaughter of orcs, dwarves, men and elves, following which the dwarves of Erebor needed somebody new to run the place. Dain was elected; he declared his willingness to stay just until they could find somebody else, then he would be outta there; he sent his ships of adventurous, hill-hating dwarves off on the ultimate quest for greener pastures while he set about inventorying the treasure and buying nets and fishing paraphernalia from the lake men - what was left of them; he wound up living under the Cursed Mountain, as he called it under his breath, for sixty-some years until he was killed in battle in some other war and never made it to the New Land. Such is life.

His ships did make it to the flat green country overflowing with milk and fish, and the dwarves prospered there for a time, giving up iron footwear for clogs due to an unexpected abundance of rain,



and inventing a clever way to get rid of some of the water by harnessing the abundant wind
.

Unfortunately, they took too few females of their kind along, and the whole lot died out within two generations. They left the prints of their wooden clogs forever on the land, however, in a thriving dairy industry producing cheese, butter and milk solids;
a great liking for beverages made from hops
;

the occasional wooden fishing boat excavated from the mud of that endless coastline by successive generations of eager archeologists;
an odd historical/cultural mix of fierce warrior invaders and gentle pastoralists
;

and the name Dain's Mark, or as it has come down in its corrupted form to our time, Danemark.

One other reminder of the cleverness of the dwarven race sprouted there after many centuries had passed. A family of toy makers arose in that land, and their ingenious inventions covered all the Earth in brightly colored plastic shapes to the delight of all the children of men and as an everlasting memorial to the heroes of a race small in stature but great in heart.


So history became legend. Legend became myth.


(It's been a dark and stormy night.Smile)


(This post was edited by Lissuin on Mar 16 2014, 6:50am)


elaen32
Gondor


Mar 16 2014, 8:34am

Post #13 of 36 (761 views)
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Lissuin, this is amazing!! [In reply to] Can't Post

Very funny Laugh
Btw is it just me, or does Lego Thorin look somewhat like a long-haired Freddie Mercury??Crazy


Is there a Tolkien topic that you have wanted to look into more deeply and write about your thoughts on it? If so, we'd like to hear from you for the next TORn Amateur Symposium- coming in April. Happy writing!



Lissuin
Tol Eressea


Mar 16 2014, 9:10am

Post #14 of 36 (751 views)
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Freddie Mercury? 'Works for me. [In reply to] Can't Post

"We are the champions! We are the champions!"





And thanks for the kind words. I'm amazed anybody made it through the whole thing. It just went on and on till the end. Laugh Cheers.


cats16
Valinor


Mar 16 2014, 9:21am

Post #15 of 36 (742 views)
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Too busy binge-watching House of Cards... // [In reply to] Can't Post

 


boldog
Rohan


Mar 16 2014, 10:18am

Post #16 of 36 (750 views)
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I believe [In reply to] Can't Post

that he didnt see any success in the quest, and kind of like Thranduil didnt wish to risk the lives of his people to the wrath of the dragon.

I believe that Azog and Bolg are possibly the only two orcs who may be an exception to the typical evil nature of an orc. Azog had brought up his son, well enough that he actually acknowledges him as his own son. That is a first for any orc. And Bolg sets out to march upon Erebor in vengeance of his fathers death. How many orcs will Try and avenge another dead orc? Most will just forget about the dead one. This gives me hope that Orcs, have some traits of good in them, even if it is small aspects.


grammaboodawg
Immortal


Mar 16 2014, 2:36pm

Post #17 of 36 (728 views)
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Two alphas don't make a right! "I'm King." "No... I'm King!" // [In reply to] Can't Post

 



6th draft of TH:AUJ Geeky Observation List - November 28, 2013
3rd draft of TH:DOS Geeky Observation List - January 2, 2014



sample

"There is more in you of good than you know, child of the kindly West."

I'm SO HAPPY these new films take me back to that magical world!!



TIME Google Calendar
TORn's Geeky Observations Lists (updated soon)


Otaku-sempai
Half-elven


Mar 16 2014, 3:16pm

Post #18 of 36 (745 views)
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Next in line after Thorin and the nephews. [In reply to] Can't Post

Incinerated Dwarves don't take thrones.

'There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world.' - Gandalf the Grey, The Fellowship of the Ring


Kim
Valinor


Mar 16 2014, 5:32pm

Post #19 of 36 (742 views)
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*mods up!* [In reply to] Can't Post

Excellent story (myth?) Laugh

ďAs such, you will address His Majesty as His Majesty, the Lord of Silver Fountains, the King of Carven Stone, the King Beneath the Mountain, the Lion of Erebor, the High King of the Dwarves, the True Treasure of Erebor, the Face that Launched 10,000 Sighs, or Thorin the Majestic..."

http://newboards.theonering.net/forum/gforum/perl/gforum.cgi?post=719226;sb=post_time;so=DESC;forum_view=forum_view_collapsed


Elarie
Gondor

Mar 16 2014, 7:07pm

Post #20 of 36 (716 views)
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Great story - love it! [In reply to] Can't Post

 

Hop to it, Radagast, we've got dark powers to sleigh.


ltnjmy
Rivendell


Mar 16 2014, 7:45pm

Post #21 of 36 (706 views)
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genius [In reply to] Can't Post

And awesome


Altaira
Superuser / Moderator


Mar 16 2014, 8:58pm

Post #22 of 36 (693 views)
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Brava! [In reply to] Can't Post

Amazing, amusing and VERY well done!! LaughLaugh


Koru: Maori symbol representing a fern frond as it opens. The koru reaches towards the light, striving for perfection, encouraging new, positive beginnings.



"Life can't be all work and no TORn" -- jflower

"I take a moment to fervently hope that the camaradarie and just plain old fun I found at TORn will never end" -- LOTR_nutcase





Lissuin
Tol Eressea


Mar 16 2014, 10:42pm

Post #23 of 36 (697 views)
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Thanks, all ye Tornfolk! But a Middle-earth mystery remains: [In reply to] Can't Post

how the windmills, wooden shoes, and intensive dairy production attributable to Dain's Danish Dwarves subsequently appeared in The Kingdom of the Netherlands. Migration? Trade? Patent infringement and industrial espionage? The popularity of brussel sprouts is also noted. Hmm. The trail now leads on to the Kingdom of Belgium...

Some answers are simply lost to time.Evil


SirDennisC
Half-elven


Mar 17 2014, 2:16am

Post #24 of 36 (693 views)
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Take that Snoopy! [In reply to] Can't Post

a dark and stormy night indeed. Well done Liss Smile


silneldor
Half-elven


Mar 17 2014, 2:59am

Post #25 of 36 (678 views)
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So much for the one liner;-) [In reply to] Can't Post

Laugh. That was the longerest one liner in history. And it was a good'un!

That was inventive and playful. Thanks for the surprize Lissuin.

" 'Fair lady Goldberry!' said Frodo at last, feeling his heart move with a joy that he did not understand. He stood as he had at times stood enchanted by fair elven-voices; but the spell that was now laid upon him was different: less keen and lofty was the delight, but deeper and nearer to mortal heart; marvellous and yet not strange."

Chapter VII: In the House of Tom Bombadil; FOTR's

Faerie contains many things besides elves and fays and besides dwarfs, witches, trolls, giants or dragons; it holds the seas, the sun, the moon, the sky; and the earth, and all things that are one in it: tree and bird, water and stone, wine and bread, and ourselves, mortal men, when we are enchanted."
ó J.R.R. Tolkien













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