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The One Ring Forums: Tolkien Topics: Main:
The *Cynical* Hobbit: A parody

Tol Eressea

Oct 24 2013, 4:48pm

Post #1 of 12 (285 views)
The *Cynical* Hobbit: A parody Can't Post

Please note that I have the deepest respect for Tolkien. All of the following is meant in good fun, so PLEASE no one get offended.

If you are a middle aged bachelor, stay away from your childhood heroes. One day he will come back to ask for 'assistance'. You will be overjoyed to help, but then find out they want you for some undesirable work. Now you are introduced to the complexity of Common Law, and will have to go hungry, and be captured by trolls and almost cooked. (All perfectly legal service, I might add, as stipulated by your contract!)

When rescued at the last possible moment, after having heard the full details of the troll's plans for the internment of your body, you will get none of the spoils except a pocket knife (The shiny things go to the brain, who decided it would be a good idea to send in the men one by one, and the wizard who left you to go to a secret club meeting.) From a day spa trip (A bribe?), next you will go on to be caught by a band of failed musician rejects, who in their long years of bitterness, have honed their talent to offend the most tone-deaf ears.

Next you will be treated to a crash course in self-reliance and emergency preparedness, by your erstwhile companions, as they leave you to be attacked by a malformed, photo-phobic schizophrenic. Having escaped this peril in a most unpleasant way,(You get full marks for your sanity at this point, and some magical bling, but little else), you will rejoin your companions and on account of the Wizard's brilliantly timed assassination of the local political head, will be pursued by the hounds of justice,(Literally!!).

After bearing witness to your hero's shockingly obsessive pyromania, you will be rescued from a burning tree (Your situation inspired by the same hero, who gave the idea to the musical reject constabulary), by a large bird and dangled dangerously at great altitude.(Now you know why your contract adverted 'a soaring expectation for success').

From here you go to a shady acquaintance of the wizard's, and during your time there see many fantastical sights. Serving animals, and transformations of shape and size!( You cannot help but wonder if these visions are not induced by the same kind of weed that your wizard smokes.)

From the happy hippie house, you go on to a 'Far Out Forest, Man!!'(You begin to wonder if your stay at the friend of a friend's house will leave any lasting effects). Your guide and former hero, then leaves for another Club Meeting, after giving you and your cohorts some sketchy directions.('Keep going till it ends!') While subjected to this sensory deprivation regimen, you are soon left with no food or water, and any attempt a light brings the local mutants out to play. Then will be subjected to a flurry of activity that you are unsure how much is real.

Seeing a paradisiacal feast in front of you,(A shared hallucination?) you will follow the lights far, far away from the only path, only to be waylaid by Homicidal Arachnids. After a brief brush with what you cannot confirm, nor deny to be real, you will be tied to the fate of your companions, as they are put into the local lock-up for disturbing the peace, and molesting citizens.(What strange company you are in!)

After determining the routine of the guards, (and with no sign of your hero) you will have to resort to your magic bling to save you. You steal a key to the lock-up while the guards indulge in a drunken party with all the rest of the country. Without asking the truth of the accusations against them,(Do you really want to know?) you free your compatriots and seal them away in barrels to send down river. (Protecting whom more?) Then having put the whole of this imaginative escape's brainwave into effect, you must take the hard road and remain outside, wet and clinging to the barrels for dear life.

Finally, coming to a place where you can get some honest-to-goodness rest, you will take ill, and spend the time that you companions are partying, sick and in bed. When your hosts' provisions run down, you will be packed off with your companions to the final destination of your whole journey-- A mountain palace where a territorial monster lives, who hates visitors (uncooked that is). Then you climb the mountain side, looking for a tiny door, invisible to anyone except on a special day that happens once a year, and that is impossible to predict.

You spend the next few days, with mope-y camp-mates until by a strange accident, YOU discover the secret passage.(Of course you will get no credit for this, and are the obvious choice to explore the dark, and quite dangerous passage.) You will bring back a token of your explorations (a quite valuable and sentimental heirloom) and be solicited for the murder of the guardian of the rest of the treasure. After politely declining such a commission, you will have to promise to go back into the lair of the beast, and try to discover some means of defeating it.(After all, we wouldn't want to overload your friend's brains by too much stress.) After hobnobbing with the resident killer fiend, and having your hair curled and frizzled, free of charge, you will be subjected to the recriminations of your companions for angering the beast, and putting them into jeopardy!(Unthinkable!!)

Now angered, you keep the secrets you had gained in your deadly interview, a secret, only to have a bird steal it and give it to a soldier, whose grandfather happened to be royalty. He uses this information to kill the monster as it attacks your former place of lodging, whose location you might have let slip in your previous conversation.(whoops!!) Now , being unable for obvious reasons of personal security, to claim your part in the beast's death, you are in the middle of stand-off between a bunch of greedy politicians.

While each side pouts, you are forced to weaken one side so that you have a remote chance of ever leaving the fortress. This doesn't earn you any points with your fellow travelers, and you are left out in the cold, only being rescued by your hero, who has just returned from the extremely looooooong club meeting, that he refuses to tell you about.

When things actually begin to look up, the hounds of justice come, bearing the musical rejects( Remember them? Your hero thought it a good idea to stage a violent political coup.) They come to exact their revenge (accompanied by their own horrible theme song. Shock tactics?) In mutual disparagement of their artistic abilities, the politicians unite in a common cause to put to silence the abominable racket. What happens next, you are unsure of, as you are conveniently the first target for a reject's avenging blow.(Convenient.)

You are later told a dubious tale about the return of the large birds and the assistance of your heroís shady friend, and must believe them. Then you are whisked off to the dying bedside of your former employer, and share a touching scene. You also learn that the legal heirs of your employer (and only witnesses of your contract I might add) have perished too.

Thus your contract is negated, by circumstances beyond your control, and the new politicians hammer out a deal to stop the mope-fest. You are not totally forgotten, and receive a rather smaller consideration than promised. (Hey itís something!) On the way home your hero allows you to skip Ďthe Far out Forestí, and instead you get to stay with his shady friend.(Yep, the weird animals are still there. You lose a little bit of your sanity, as you donít know what to think about them) Finally, you get to the day-spa, and manage to stay there for a bit longer. (The only real rest you get). Returning home, you find that you have been declared legally dead, and must use some of your hard earned funds to reclaim most of your property. Everyone thinks you are crazy, but hey, you have money. Who cares!?


Oct 24 2013, 9:32pm

Post #2 of 12 (153 views)
pretty accurate [In reply to] Can't Post

now imagine this read by an angry Martin Freeman

Ethel Duath

Oct 24 2013, 10:50pm

Post #3 of 12 (156 views)
Whoa! Okay, this get a Mods Up for [In reply to] Can't Post

insight and originality, and lots of tongues cheek munching on grains of salt--except it's pretty much what happened, from any self-respecting cynics or even a "realist's eye.

Did you think of it at all this way when you first read it?

I was young enough (8-9ish) that I saw it pretty much through a golden haze at first. Some of the injustices and character flaws didn't really hit me until much later.

Tol Eressea

Oct 25 2013, 12:45am

Post #4 of 12 (130 views)
Yeah, I could hear that!!! [In reply to] Can't Post


Ziggy Stardust

Oct 25 2013, 12:46am

Post #5 of 12 (131 views)
Too true [In reply to] Can't Post

I first read The Hobbit when I was 13, and didn't realize the injustice and character flaws until later. It just goes to show that The Hobbit is more than a children's book. There's more to it than 'meet's the eye' as the saying goes.

Tol Eressea

Oct 25 2013, 1:02am

Post #6 of 12 (131 views)
Thanks!!! [In reply to] Can't Post

No, I didn't see it like this when I first read the Hobbit. Of course I empathized with Bilbo, as we were meant to. I don't think that I was very seriously considering the ethical ramifications of the story on more than a superficial level. I usually have a quite cheery optimistic and romantic mind.

The process for writing this was an exercise in inversion and exaggeration. I have a rather macabre, morbid , and cynical side as well, the part if me that enjoys gallows humor, and this let that piece of me out to play. Really, I was in a mood when I wrote this, and it was a quite cathartic experience. It allowed me to get out my frustration, and have a bit of fun, so that I could focus on my children's story, and do so in the right frame of mind.

Tol Eressea

Oct 25 2013, 1:21am

Post #7 of 12 (125 views)
Thanks!! [In reply to] Can't Post

No, I didn't really see it this way. Of course I sympathised with Bilbo, as we were meant to, but that was anout the limit of my moralising. I usually am quite optimistic and romantically minded, so I'm sure that I saw it in a good light as Tolkien intended.

The writing process was an exercise in inversion and exaggeration. I picked up little words, twisted their meanings, or tried to imagine the character in the most negative light. I basically saw everyone as a jerk, and tried to rationalise evey magical occurrence in a dream shattering way. Not for the faint of heart.

I have a morbid, macabre, and cynical side, the part of me that enjoys gallows humor and is cold, calculating, and logical. The guy good for analyses and problem solving, but whom I try to keep on a short social chain. Honestly, I was in a mood when I wrote this, and it allowed me to vent my frustration and have a little fun at the same time. It also put me in the right mind to work on lighter writing pieces, like children's stories. I would have been a total grinch if I had worked on that in my mood. The first story might have looked like this:

'And so that is why reindeer cannot fly, Santa would get hypothermia, not to mention his cholesterol. The tooth fairy is your parents, and the Easter bunny got run over.'

Life ending stuff!! LOL!! Thanks for the compliments, but you probably won't see much more doom and gloom from me for a while.

Bebother and confusticate these machines !!

My computer double posted my drafts. Oh well, you've the idea!

(This post was edited by Rembrethil on Oct 25 2013, 1:24am)

The Shire

Oct 25 2013, 3:09am

Post #8 of 12 (117 views)
This. Was. Fantastic. [In reply to] Can't Post

...not to mention startlingly accurate, and quite funny.

What an epic way to vent your frustration.

Werde Spinner

Oct 25 2013, 4:27am

Post #9 of 12 (107 views)
ROFL [In reply to] Can't Post

I just about died laughing every time the 'musical rejects' were mentioned. Laugh Laugh Great work.

"I had forgotten that. It is hard to be sure of anything among so many marvels. The world is all grown strange. Elf and Dwarf in company walk in our daily fields; and folk speak with the Lady of the Wood and yet live; and the Sword comes back to war that was broken in the long ages ere the fathers of our fathers rode into the Mark! How shall a man judge what to do in such times?"

"As he ever has judged. Good and ill have not changed since yesteryear; nor are they one thing among Elves and Dwarves and another among Men. It is a man's part to discern them, as much in the Golden Wood as in his own house."


Oct 25 2013, 10:50am

Post #10 of 12 (122 views)
*wild applause* Way Awesome! :D // [In reply to] Can't Post


5th draft of TH:AUJ Geeky Observation List - August 11, 2013
1st draft of TH:DOS Geeky Observation List - August 11, 2013


"There is more in you of good than you know, child of the kindly West."

I'm SO HAPPY these new films take me back to that magical world!!

TIME Google Calendar
TORn's Geeky Observations Lists (updated soon)

Tol Eressea

Oct 25 2013, 3:11pm

Post #11 of 12 (98 views)
Yes, I thought that I'd have to address all the singing... [In reply to] Can't Post

But, I forgot to mention that the traveling company that upstaged them had taken up permanent residence at the day-spa for their performances!!! Wink

I guess that frustrated-me is not too able an editor. I could work in a lot more details, now that I see it in retrospect. Oh, the niggler in me could just die!! LOL!!

Call me Rem. Rembrethil is a lot to type!!

Tol Eressea

Oct 25 2013, 3:15pm

Post #12 of 12 (128 views)
Thanks!! [In reply to] Can't Post

And communicated thanks to all who have posted kind comments and appreciation. It is nice to know that there are strange people, like me in the world, who also enjoy my 'specially dark blend of humor.EvilLaugh

Call me Rem. Rembrethil is a lot to type!!


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