|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Brethil
Half-elven
Oct 18 2013, 2:01am
Post #1 of 42
(691 views)
Shortcut
|
|
Tolkienia Times: October Edition
|
Can't Post
|
|
Monument Ball to celebrate new nation; Mayor is tossed around by Entings
Celebrating the inauguration of our fair, new country, a monument was
unveiled at the eponymous 'Monument Ball', an occasion to celebrate the birth of our country, and the new kinds of thoughts and ideas that will come from it. No less than seven compositions were featured on the Monument, the product of many poets and bards across the land. (See story page 2)
Local Dojo involved in Umbrella-themed lawsuit
A civil suit is about to appear before the authorities, concerning the controversial self-defence training, being offered to "The Little Folk" at the S-B Dojo. Among the chief complaints is an incident of umbrella related assault, a core piece of self-defence technique, pioneered by the owners 'famoustest' ancestor, Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. (See story Page 3)
Local farmland destroyed by new Tolkienia town - "Ere! Oo' are you?" shouts the farmer; Scientists intrigued.
In very local news today, as land was cleared for the access paths for The Bounders to patrol, one local farmer had harsh yet intriguing words for the clearing crew. He was reported by numerous witnesses to have asked, "Ere! Oo' are you?" several times of the Crew Foreman. In addition, it was noted that he had a highly Cocknified-type accent of apparent antiquity. (See story page 2)
Coming soon: Results of the Animal Poll.
Read about who YOU chose as our Animal Mascots in the Special Edition of "Word From the Citadel", coming out next week!
Is there a Tolkien topic that you have wanted to look into more deeply, and write about your thoughts on it? If so, we'd like to hear from you for the next TORn Amateur Symposium- coming in November. Happy writing!
|
|
|
Brethil
Half-elven
Oct 18 2013, 2:08am
Post #2 of 42
(548 views)
Shortcut
|
Monument Ball to celebrate new nation; Mayor is tossed around by Entings
(From the Front Page)
Celebrating the inauguration of our fair, new country, a monument was unveiled at the eponymous 'Monument Ball', an occasion to celebrate the birth of our country, and the new kinds of thoughts and ideas that will come from it. No less than seven compositions were featured on the Monument, the product of many poets and bards across the land.
Before the reveal, Mayor Ethel gave a powerful speech, resounding with themes of hope, neighborliness, and full of expectation of the good food to follow the dedication. This speech was well received by the many kindreds gathered there, and as the sheet fell, exclamations in tongues from Elvish to Dwarvish, praised the master feat of collaboration and craft. The Dwarven smiths had lived up to their promise of 'A feat of beauty, unequaled!', and the grace of the Elven boats of the Eyott Club, was perfectly captured in carved image of a ship as it mounted a wave crest.
Promises of good food did not fall short, as the Banquet hall filled. Guests earnestly sought their seats, as order was called, and a salutary address was given before the meal. Though rudely interrupted by some Tooks that had started on the ale before the ceremony, they were soon quieted by the icy stares of the security staff.
After the meal, the day was filled with fun and games on the sward surrounding the monument. Things took an interesting turn, when three juvenile Ents decided to include Mayor Ethel in their sport. Picking her up, amidst the astonished gasps of the bystanders, they gleefully tossed her over the Monument, in the fashion of large children playing at ball! And a most amiable ball she proved, for when Treebeard asked pardon for the, "Hasty actions of youth." She laughing reassured him that, "No punitive action would be taken", but suggested that "they choose more willing playthings". The festivities resumed, and the entire day was a smashing success.
- Our Wandering Reporter
Local farmland destroyed by new Tolkienia town - "Ere! Oo' are you?" shouts the farmer; Scientists intrigued.
(From the Front Page)
In very local news today, as land was cleared for the access paths for The Bounders to patrol, one local farmer had harsh yet intriguing words for the clearing crew. He was reported by numerous witnesses to have asked, "Ere! Oo' are you?" several times of the Crew Foreman. In addition, it was noted that he had a highly Cocknified-type accent of apparent antiquity.
This has led to speculation among philologists as to the anthropological and possible Sacculur implications of this farmer's peculiar turn of phrase. Though the farmer left the area and refused to be interviewed, local professionals feel that he may be in contact with a species presumed lost to our modern world.
The most recent living species of so-called Talking Purses, Dictum sacculus, has been thought to be extinct for almost 100 years. But this uncanny use of the exact phraseology and syntax employed by living Dictum specimens and duly recorded (after long study) by Professor J.R.R. Tolkien is intriguing.
Director of the Sacculus Study Foundation, Professor G. Townsend, had this to say: "It could be the sign that somewhere, very close to the Tolkienia community, there is still a representative population of D. sacculus. This is the most exciting evidence we have had in our generation. None of us in the Foundation thought we would ever read about this language ever being used...short of just reading The Hobbit over and over again. Which we do in the Lab, every day." Dr Townsend paused here, and added, "Well, twice a day really."
Sources close to the Sacculus Study Foundation say that a possible expedition into the woods South and West of Tolkienia may be organized this fall, searching in a grid pattern, and using late 19th century farthings as bait in video trap areas. The hope is that, if a population is found, both study of them in the wild as well as preservation of their habitat would commence immediately, with generous Government backing at hand.
Whether this would entail the relocation of semi-domesticated Trolls to the area remains uncertain at this time.
- Brethil Tengwadil
Is there a Tolkien topic that you have wanted to look into more deeply, and write about your thoughts on it? If so, we'd like to hear from you for the next TORn Amateur Symposium- coming in November. Happy writing!
|
|
|
Brethil
Half-elven
Oct 18 2013, 2:17am
Post #3 of 42
(549 views)
Shortcut
|
5-day weather outlook for Tolkienia:
This week will bring a typical autumnal mix of showers and rain for much of the time, but with a couple of short settled spells. It will remain warm, overall, but the second half the week will see the first of the frosts of this season. There will be a few days of heavy rainfall in certain areas.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today
The weather will continue to become unsettled and rather windy over the whole of Tolkienia. Rain gauges at West Baranduin recorded 55mm in the last week, and flood warnings have been issued across the whole of the Westfarthing. Thunderstorms are predicted for the evening, and these isolated storms are associated with the unusually warm conditions at this time of year. Maximum day time temperature of 25degC, and a minimum night time temperature of 13degC. See shipping forecast for gale warnings for today. The Edible Lamposts have been boarded up in the meantime, to prevent any potential lightning strikes. All Tolkienia residents are warned not to use their umbrellas. Lobelia: that means you. Do us all a favor and put it away.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
19/10/2013
Tolkienia will wake up to a thundery morning, with further heavy rain. Total cloud cover for much of the day will reduce the sunshine to a measly 2 hours. These miserable conditions will last for the entire day and will mean many muddy floors.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
20/10/2013
The weather will begin to clear as a high pressure system tracks across Tolkienia. The weather will become settled, with little cloud cover and highs of 22degC. By the evening, fog is likely to form over low-lying and damp areas of the Westfarthing. The Barrow-downs will be particularly thick, travelers are warned.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
21/10/2013
Widespread fog is expected across the entire of Tolkienia in the morning. This is associated with the prevailing high pressure system, and rapid cooling at nighttime due to the lack of cloud cover. The fog is expected to be thickest in the Westfarthing and the Barrow-downs, and visibility will be reduced to 100m. The first ground frost might occur in the exposed areas of Tolkenia, especially in the Eastfarthing where fog will be more patchy. Though settled and clear, daytime temperatures will fail to reach above 15degC, and nighttime temperatures will continue to be cold.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
22/10/2013
As the ridge of high pressure sinks slowly southward, it will be replaced by a low pressure system moving in from the Atlantic. An active front will produce some torrential rain in the south and west, with gusts reaching up to 40knots. There will also be some overnight mist and fog, slow to clear in the mornings, and some places dipping close to freezing. Again, worse at the Barrow-downs. Just stay away from there already.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the rest of the month, there will be periods of rain alternated with showers and some strong winds. Temperatures will continue to drop under a ridge of high pressure. Much colder arctic air will give a sharp contrast to recent weather, and heavy snowfall can be expected in the coming month. Avoid Caradharas if at all possible, instead use the Gap of Rohan.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shipping forecast:
Gale warnings - Issued: 1531 UTC 19th October
Wind
In north, northeasterly 6 to gale 8. In south, northerly or northeasterly 6 to gale 8, becoming cyclonic 4
or 5.
Sea State
In north, rough. in south, moderate or rough.
Weather
In north, rain or squally showers. In south, rain or showers.
Visibility
In north, moderate or good. In south, moderate or good.
 Our bit of Nerdsnort joy this month:
Heisenberg and Schrödinger are driving, and get pulled over. Heisenberg is in the driver's seat, the officer asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!" The officer looks at him confused and says, "You were going 108 miles per hour!" Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The officer, now more confused and frustrated orders the men outside of the car, and proceeds to inspect the vehicle. He opens the trunk and yells at the two men, "Hey! Did you guys know you have a dead cat back here?" Schrödinger angrily yells back, "We do now!"
Local Dojo involved in Umbrella-themed lawsuit
(From the Front Page)
A civil suit is about to appear before the authorities, concerning the controversial self-defence training, being offered to "The Little Folk" at the S-B Dojo. Among the chief complaints is an incident of umbrella related assault, a core piece of self-defence technique, pioneered by the owners 'famoustest' ancestor, Lobelia Sackville-Baggins.
The plaintiff, Simon Gimilzor, who seeks pecuniary compensation from the dojo, was quoted as saying:
"We won't stand for this!! It's about time that someone has done something about these uppity, little furry-feet!"
After a flurry of colorful language that would make a troll blush, he gave us his story.
"So there I was, standing on the corner outside of the Man in the Moon (A local pub), when this half-pint comes up. I try to make friendly conversation, and out of nowhere, he whips out this umbrella and starts in on me. Vicious, I tell you he was! Mad as a dog!"
After hearing this report, this reporter went to interview the Hobbit involved in the altercation, who has asked that his name be withheld, pending ongoing legal action. This was his story:
"I had just finished work, and had downed a pint at the Man in the Moon, before heading home. When I got to the corner, I was rudely accosted by this ruffianly fellow, who proceeded to make several unrepeatable statements, then to lay hands on me. I suppose that the invaluable 'Parasol-Defence Training', kicked in, and I gave him what-for."
The owners of the S-B Dojo have declined to comment, by advice of legal council, and merely released a statement of concern for the victim, and expressed a wish for the upcoming legal proceeding to be resolved quickly.
The Court date is still pending, and the plaintiff, Gimilzor is recovering at home, from minor cuts, bruises, and a wounded sense of pride. The proceedings may be complicated by criminal charges, yet to be filed by the anonymous Hobbit involved.
-Our Wandering Reporter
Is there a Tolkien topic that you have wanted to look into more deeply, and write about your thoughts on it? If so, we'd like to hear from you for the next TORn Amateur Symposium- coming in November. Happy writing!
|
|
|
Brethil
Half-elven
Oct 18 2013, 2:24am
Post #4 of 42
(643 views)
Shortcut
|
MAYOR'S CHALLENGE: NAME THAT PUN!
Guess-the-character pun game. Each blank line stands for a syllable of the name of a famous LOTR, Hobbit or Sil. character. Answers will be posted Saturday!
1. ____ ____ your weight around.
2. ____ ____ gorn to ever get around to mending that sword?
3. Has Bilbo ____ ____ on adventures again?
4. We're ____ ____ with you difficult folks, but it ain't easy!
5. I'm ____ ____ my eyes out over that Moria scene.
Tolkienia Times Classifieds
GreatGreyWizard Fireworks factory seeks Testing Technician for highly flammable products. After that last time and due to insurance regulations no Ents will be considered. Thank you.
Construction Company seeks frame carpenters. No wall-proppers need apply. Apply Sandyman's Shells.
Theoden's Thespians seek Stage Crew staff, primary function is designing and maintaining curtain ropes. Experienced Corsairs of Umbar considered with recent clean criminal history.
Fertilizer Sales: for Rohan sales territory. Must be VERY persuasive. And creative. Independently wealthy a plus. Apply Equine Excess Inc. @ Sales division.
Shire Feet foot care: temp. Pedicurist needed urgently for lead spot fill-in due to injury. No dancing of the Springle-ring on days off is a firm Stipulation of Employment.
Biological Research Corporation seeks and experienced Herpetologist to work in amphibian demographic studies and DNA sampling. Must be hands-on and not mind getting dirty in field with Research Assistants (RAs). Apply DragonDNA, Inc.
Personals
Seeking news of any jewelry found in the vicinity of the Gladden Fields. Nothing particularly valuable, merely costume sorts of jewelry which had sentimental value for me. Deep, precious sentimental value. Reply #IonU with any information.
Uncrowned King seeks lady for companionship. Gainfully underemployed. Must like mournful songs, long flowing hair and moodiness. Reply #Givememymountainback
Searching for any news of an item found near the Gladden Fields. It may be shiny, and I will pay highest prices for anyone who finds it. If any bones are near the shiny object, bring them too and I shall pay double. Secrecy please. Reply #Notsaruman
Urgently seeking information on small greyish green creature near the Misty Mountains. He may make a strange swallowing noise. Careful, he bites. Reply #Wanderingpilgrim
Lonely Ent seeks long-term companion. Must enjoy tree-herding and large shrubbery. Garden and fruit trees provided. Adjacent farmland available. Leave responses in upper knot hole of the large oak tree, corner of Withy Windle Av. and Treebeard Copse St.
The Tolkienia Times is brought to you by:
EDITOR: Brethil Tengwadil
MAYOR: Ethel Duath
REPORTER: Wandering but not Lost
WEATHER: DanielLB
ADS, Cooking, Bottlewashing, putting
spiders properly outside: Brethil
THANKS!!!!! To Dame Ioreth for the Nerdsnorts contribution!!!!!
Is there a Tolkien topic that you have wanted to look into more deeply, and write about your thoughts on it? If so, we'd like to hear from you for the next TORn Amateur Symposium- coming in November. Happy writing!
(This post was edited by Brethil on Oct 18 2013, 2:25am)
|
|
|
Kim
Valinor
Oct 18 2013, 6:45am
Post #5 of 42
(513 views)
Shortcut
|
Personals
Uncrowned King seeks lady for companionship. Gainfully underemployed. Must like mournful songs, long flowing hair and moodiness. Reply #Givememymountainback
Dear Uncrowned King:
I love mournful songs (theres one I love to play over and over and over again), long flowing hair (always have plenty of hair care products on hand) and moodiness (perhaps a tickle fight to cheer you up?). Am also gainfully underemployed, so have plenty of time to go on an adventure and help you get your mountain back. Will bring chocolate for the trip. Call me maybe?
|
|
|
DanielLB
Immortal
Oct 18 2013, 9:22am
Post #6 of 42
(505 views)
Shortcut
|
My Aunt's counsin's dog's sister's friend, who lives near an elderly chap, and knows of a woman that lives near Tolkienia, says they may have spotted a Dictum sacculus in the area. 
The Tolkienia Times may need to set up a hotline ... these things could be dangerous for all we know!
(The entire paper is fabulous. Well done everyone!)
|
|
|
elaen32
Gondor
Oct 18 2013, 11:40am
Post #7 of 42
(495 views)
Shortcut
|
Congratulations to you all- I really enjoyed reading this- it wasn't too difficult to guess who wrote what, although I admit that I initially thought that the talking purse article was by Daniel!
LOL re "Sacculum Dictus"!!
As for those personal ads- well, I am sure that I can help that poor shy retiring flowing-haired king-without-a mountain out!!
Is there a Tolkien topic that you have wanted to look into more deeply and write about your thoughts on it? If so, we'd like to hear from you for the next TORn Amateur Symposium- coming in November. Happy writing!
|
|
|
Brethil
Half-elven
Oct 18 2013, 12:17pm
Post #9 of 42
(482 views)
Shortcut
|
That one Personals box is going to get very full..!.//
[In reply to]
|
Can't Post
|
|
Is there a Tolkien topic that you have wanted to look into more deeply, and write about your thoughts on it? If so, we'd like to hear from you for the next TORn Amateur Symposium- coming in November. Happy writing!
|
|
|
The Grey Elf
Grey Havens
Oct 18 2013, 1:48pm
Post #11 of 42
(483 views)
Shortcut
|
|
Reply to #givemebackmymountain
[In reply to]
|
Can't Post
|
|
Bodyguard services offered -- special rate for mountainless monarchs! Will closely protect your esteemed person 24/7/365. Specializes in fending off gold diggers passing themselves off as potential paramours. Will also insult high-ranking elves upon request. Qualifications include exceptional skill at harp-tuning, sword-sharpening, hair-braiding and full body massages after a hard day on the battlefield. All services provided for an occasional snog. Bonded and insured. No need to reply; I will show up first thing in the morning.
#HairyChinnedAmazon
Welcome more children to Middle Earth. Support The S.H.I.R.E. Project!
|
|
|
Ethel Duath
Half-elven
Oct 18 2013, 5:47pm
Post #13 of 42
(458 views)
Shortcut
|
How about one for Dwarven Assertiveness Training! "Bluster your way through Lorien! Learn to navigate blindfold through unknown woodlands!"
|
|
|
DanielLB
Immortal
Oct 18 2013, 5:52pm
Post #14 of 42
(452 views)
Shortcut
|
|
Normally when you read a newspaper ...
[In reply to]
|
Can't Post
|
|
The quizzes and crosswords have been halfed filled out already, by others. Any hints for the pun game? I'm having trouble getting them all! 
|
|
|
Brethil
Half-elven
Oct 18 2013, 7:26pm
Post #15 of 42
(443 views)
Shortcut
|
|
Our Mayor is clever...they aren't easy!
[In reply to]
|
Can't Post
|
|
and NO HINTS!!! (*laughs evilly*) Will rescue you with answers tomorrow. 
Is there a Tolkien topic that you have wanted to look into more deeply, and write about your thoughts on it? If so, we'd like to hear from you for the next TORn Amateur Symposium- coming in November. Happy writing!
|
|
|
Aunt Dora Baggins
Immortal
Oct 18 2013, 7:58pm
Post #16 of 42
(447 views)
Shortcut
|
I especially like the " 'ere, oo are you?" story.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"For DORA BAGGINS in memory of a LONG correspondence, with love from Bilbo; on a large wastebasket. Dora was Drogo's sister, and the eldest surviving female relative of Bilbo and Frodo; she was ninety-nine, and had written reams of good advice for more than half a century."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A Chance Meeting at Rivendell" and other stories
leleni at hotmail dot com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
Ethel Duath
Half-elven
Oct 18 2013, 9:20pm
Post #17 of 42
(433 views)
Shortcut
|
|
Think of M.E. names and try some out.
[In reply to]
|
Can't Post
|
|
Go "by ear." Each blank line is for a syllable (not 2 names). All famous, 1 sil.
2, 3 and 5 have clues within the sentence.
(Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . . )
|
|
|
dernwyn
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Oct 19 2013, 12:33am
Post #21 of 42
(426 views)
Shortcut
|
|
I'm surprised she didn't pick up on:
[In reply to]
|
Can't Post
|
|
"Must be hands-on and not mind getting dirty in field with Research Assistants (RAs)."
You gals are such a bad influence! At one of my jobs I have go online to download statements from Medicaid, selecting "Download Remittance Advice (RA)", and it always makes me chuckle. I can just imagine if you could download him! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I desired dragons with a profound desire"
|
|
|
dernwyn
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Oct 19 2013, 12:46am
Post #22 of 42
(425 views)
Shortcut
|
And that weather report was obviously written by an expert in the field! (Literally - he must have been standing in one! )
Applause for an awesome edition of the TT, oh editors and writers! 
I shall have to have a word with the proprietors of the S-B Dojo, one of my umbrellas seems to have fallen victim to an unexpected bending, and now will not open...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I desired dragons with a profound desire"
|
|
|
Kim
Valinor
Oct 19 2013, 1:01am
Post #23 of 42
(421 views)
Shortcut
|
I didn't notice that right away since I was so focused on replying to the king, but I would most definitely be willing to gets hands-on and dirty in the field with RA!
I've noticed the same thing when I look at my IKEA catalog. Most items Require Assembly (RA)
|
|
|
Ethel Duath
Half-elven
Oct 19 2013, 1:48am
Post #24 of 42
(425 views)
Shortcut
|
Check with your re-enacter? Or could it be Mr. D. working out the curvature of space? 
|
|
|
Brethil
Half-elven
Oct 19 2013, 1:50am
Post #25 of 42
(422 views)
Shortcut
|
And its very handy knowing a Meteorologist!
Is there a Tolkien topic that you have wanted to look into more deeply, and write about your thoughts on it? If so, we'd like to hear from you for the next TORn Amateur Symposium- coming in November. Happy writing!
|
|
|
|
|
1
