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Ataahua
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Aug 24 2013, 11:00pm
Post #1 of 35
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Middle-earth Conspiracy Theories
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What was the real reason that the Valar sent five Maiar to Middle-earth?
Celebrimbor: "Pretty rings..."
Dwarves: "Pretty rings..."
Men: "Pretty rings..."
Sauron: "Mine's better."
"Ah, how ironic, the addictive qualities of Sauron’s master weapon led to its own destruction. Which just goes to show, kids - if you want two small and noble souls to succeed on a mission of dire importance... send an evil-minded beggar with them too." - Gandalf's Diaries, final par, by Ufthak.
Ataahua's stories
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malickfan
Gondor
Aug 24 2013, 11:24pm
Post #2 of 35
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Saruman left his spare socks behind so Gandalf was set off in pursuit as delivery boy
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Arriving last to the shores of Middle Earth he soon discovered Saruman had terrible foot odour, Radagast and the Blue Wizards were quickly engaged to research said aliment in the far reaches of Middle Earth, their original mission to assist the free peoples in the art of pie making being sadly lost there after.
Meanwhile Gandalf was too embarrased to broach the subject and the next two thousand years were spent in awkward silence, gandalf spending many a moon wandering the shores of middle earth looking for herbal remedies and odour resistant socks. Saruman masked his dissapointment with anger and soon hatched a plan to find the one ring and use its energry to forge one pair of socks to rule them all.
I'm not very good at this
The Talking Purse is Awesome, deal with it.
But he isn't quite as aweome as Cirdan.
The Thorin: An Unexpected Rewrite, December 2012
The Tauriel: Desolation of Canon, December 2013
The Radagast: 'Gandalf are we there yet?' December 2014
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silneldor
Half-elven
Aug 25 2013, 12:39am
Post #3 of 35
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To be the 'Little Rascals' types against the evil-doers but Saruman turned into 'Dennis the Menace'.\\
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''Sam put his ragged orc-cloak under his master's head, and covered them both with the grey robe of Lorien; and as he did so his thoughts went out to that fair land, and to the Elves, and he hoped that the cloth woven by their hands might have some virtue to keep them hidden beyond all hope in this wilderness of fear...But their luck held, and for the rest of that day they met no living or moving thing; and when night fell they vanished into the darkess of Mordor.'' - - -rotk, chapter III
Faerie contains many things besides elves and fays and besides dwarfs, witches, trolls, giants or dragons; it holds the seas, the sun, the moon, the sky; and the earth, and all things that are one in it: tree and bird, water and stone, wine and bread, and ourselves, mortal men, when we are enchanted."
— J.R.R. Tolkien
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Eowyn of Penns Woods
Valinor
Aug 25 2013, 12:48am
Post #4 of 35
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Ah, if only he had searched the archives of Minas Tirith more thoroughly...
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then the recipe for creating spinnable SeaCell®/Seacell fiber might have been "rediscovered" ages sooner! Oh, the fabled and mystical antibacterial properties of the Seacell garments of the Numenoreans!
And as for the "forging" of The One Pair? Rumor has it that Isildur took somewhat from the feet of the Unnamed, ere he went away from Gondor, never to be seen among mortal men again. He was wearing these things when he jumped into Anduin, and it was the weight of them that sunk him actually sealed his fate. But they have been found again -- Behold Isildur's Bane!
I'm not very good at this Oh, I think you did quite well! ;)
**********************************
NABOUF
Not a TORns*b!
Certified Curmudgeon
Knitting Knerd
NARF: NWtS Chapter Member since June 17,2011
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Kim
Valinor
Aug 25 2013, 12:50am
Post #5 of 35
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Ruxendil_Thoorg
Tol Eressea
Aug 25 2013, 1:05am
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The reasons for which the Valar deployed five Istari to Middle-earth were five-fold:
-To secure five (5) great rings of power (yes five, bear with me). Curumo a/k/a Curunír was assigned that task. His first success occurred upon procuring as his home the ring of Isengard, powerful due to its strategic location as well as the strength of its fortifications. He never completed his mission regarding the remaining four rings, though he had suspicions of the whereabouts of the Three and came close to capturing the One.
-They wanted four (4) powerful servants with the ability to soar the skies, which would be handy to employ as messengers, transporters, or even warriors of airborne might in times of dire need. They entasked Olórin with that purpose. Eventually the Great Eagles (especially Gwaihir, Landroval, and Meneldor) answered Olórin's call...on several occasions. He came to think of them as his "calling birds" though he dared not speak of it in their earshot. Those three, along with Thorondor their ancestor from the First Age, made four total and so that mission was completed.
-They instructed Aiwendil to find three (3) of ... three somethings, what were they? Ah yes, some species of chicken, he recalled vaguely, from some fancy-sounding land he had never heard of and never found in his Middle-earthly lifetime. He never did figure out for what in Arda the Valar might need those specific types of chickens, and he began to suspect he may have gotten the instructions wrong. To compensate for his failure and confusion, he gathered as many other beasts and birds as he could, and surrounded himself with them as his surrogate family.
-The Valar needed, of all things, two (2) doves of a specific breed known for its mournful voice and its tendency to form strong pair bonds (likely as a wedding gift for some lovebird Maiar friends?). Its known habitat according to legend and rumor lay far to the East. They sent Pallando... or was it Alatar? those guys were easily mistaken for each other due to their similar preference for wearing the color sea-blue ...
-They had grown tired of the usual Valinor fare, and developed a hankering for some decent game meats native to the land across the Sundering Sea. Something like, say pheasant or.... how about a partridge? to be served with a side of ... roasted pears, perhaps. They only wanted to try it for the taste, as a appetizer or in a small finger sandwich for afternoon tea, so they decided that just one (1) would do. If it were to be produced along a pear tree in which it was perched when caught, that would have been ideal. However, that search became a bust when the fifth Istari abandoned it in favor of accompanying the other Blue Wizard on mission number Two.
There may have been seven (7) more reasons for sending Maiar to Middle-earth, but the Valar seem to have run out of Istari at that point.
A bag is like a hole that you can carry with you.
http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_expanded;
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zarabia
Tol Eressea
Aug 25 2013, 1:36am
Post #7 of 35
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LOL! And like all boy bands...
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There's the soulful, poetic one - Gandalf
the smart, ambitious one - Suruman
the cute, shy one - Radagast
and the mysterious ones (really mysterious) the Blue Wizards
But, alas, like most of these enterprises, egos got in the way and they broke up. It didn't help that Galadriel Yoko'd the group when she showed obvious preference for Gandalf. 
"The question isn't where, Constable, but when." - Inspector Spacetime
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silneldor
Half-elven
Aug 25 2013, 1:53am
Post #8 of 35
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I think one of 'em at least was sent to rescue the chickens from Mrs. Tweedy.
''Sam put his ragged orc-cloak under his master's head, and covered them both with the grey robe of Lorien; and as he did so his thoughts went out to that fair land, and to the Elves, and he hoped that the cloth woven by their hands might have some virtue to keep them hidden beyond all hope in this wilderness of fear...But their luck held, and for the rest of that day they met no living or moving thing; and when night fell they vanished into the darkess of Mordor.'' - - -rotk, chapter III
Faerie contains many things besides elves and fays and besides dwarfs, witches, trolls, giants or dragons; it holds the seas, the sun, the moon, the sky; and the earth, and all things that are one in it: tree and bird, water and stone, wine and bread, and ourselves, mortal men, when we are enchanted."
— J.R.R. Tolkien
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NottaSackville
Valinor
Aug 25 2013, 3:35am
Post #10 of 35
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 Happiness: money matters, but less than we think and not in the way that we think. Family is important and so are friends, while envy is toxic -- and so is excessive thinking. Beaches are optional. Trust is not. Neither is gratitude. - The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner as summarized by Lily Fairbairn. And a bit of the Hobbit reading thrown in never hurts. - NottaSackville
(This post was edited by NottaSackville on Aug 25 2013, 3:35am)
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L. Ron Halfelven
Grey Havens
Aug 25 2013, 4:33am
Post #11 of 35
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Those Mortal Lands snipe are hard to catch. No really, it takes 5 Maiar.//
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What business does a dwarf, a dwarf, a dwarf, a dwarf, a dwarf, a dwarf, a dwarf, a dwarf, a dwarf, a dwarf, a dwarf, a dwarf, a dwarf, and a hobbit have in the Rivenmark?
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DanielLB
Immortal
Aug 25 2013, 9:18am
Post #12 of 35
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They were a One Direction tribute band. /
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sador
Half-elven
Aug 25 2013, 9:40am
Post #13 of 35
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the numbers three, seven and nine were taken already. //
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Rembrethil
Tol Eressea
Aug 25 2013, 5:06pm
Post #15 of 35
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They were part of a new Ainu TV Reality Sho
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But after a steep drop in ratings, following an *ahem* accident involving wild gophers and the two blue wizards *ahem* they became stranded in ME.
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cats16
Half-elven
Aug 25 2013, 6:39pm
Post #16 of 35
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They were voted off of the Island. //
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Kelvarhin
Half-elven
Aug 26 2013, 4:05am
Post #18 of 35
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Similar to Legolas' band - No Direction //
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Bag ENZ Home of the Hobbit *with thanks to cameragod ;D*
 
One by one they faded, and fell into shadow...
One book to rule them all
One book to find them
One book to bring them all
And in TORn bind them
In the land of TORnadoes...where the brilliant play
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Otaku-sempai
Immortal
Aug 26 2013, 12:21pm
Post #19 of 35
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They were originally going to set up a magic club and casino in Minas Anor, but couldn't get the required permits.
'There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world.' - Gandalf the Grey, The Fellowship of the Ring
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NottaSackville
Valinor
Aug 26 2013, 3:39pm
Post #20 of 35
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So THAT's what Gandalf was doing for those 1000 years or so when he's unaccounted for //
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Happiness: money matters, but less than we think and not in the way that we think. Family is important and so are friends, while envy is toxic -- and so is excessive thinking. Beaches are optional. Trust is not. Neither is gratitude. - The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner as summarized by Lily Fairbairn. And a bit of the Hobbit reading thrown in never hurts. - NottaSackville
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Darkstone
Immortal
Aug 26 2013, 3:56pm
Post #21 of 35
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Bacause sending three Blue Wizards would have been just silly. /
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******************************************
Once Gandalf dreamt he was a moth, a moth flitting and fluttering around, happy with himself and doing as he pleased. He didn't know he was Gandalf. Suddenly he woke up and there he was, solid and unmistakably Gandalf. But he didn't know if he was Gandalf who had dreamt he was a moth, or a moth dreaming he was Gandalf. Between Gandalf and a moth there must be some distinction! But really, there isn't, because he's actually Olórin dreaming he's both Gandalf *and* a moth!
-From Gandalfi: The Moth Dream
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Darkstone
Immortal
Aug 26 2013, 3:59pm
Post #22 of 35
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Survey says lending a fiver is the most people will do to help.
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http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/...urvey_n_1573207.html
******************************************
Once Gandalf dreamt he was a moth, a moth flitting and fluttering around, happy with himself and doing as he pleased. He didn't know he was Gandalf. Suddenly he woke up and there he was, solid and unmistakably Gandalf. But he didn't know if he was Gandalf who had dreamt he was a moth, or a moth dreaming he was Gandalf. Between Gandalf and a moth there must be some distinction! But really, there isn't, because he's actually Olórin dreaming he's both Gandalf *and* a moth!
-From Gandalfi: The Moth Dream
(This post was edited by Darkstone on Aug 26 2013, 4:02pm)
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CuriousG
Half-elven
Aug 26 2013, 4:57pm
Post #23 of 35
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They were the only 5 people in Valinor with leprosy. //
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Darkstone
Immortal
Aug 28 2013, 3:28pm
Post #24 of 35
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Transform into Voltron, punch out Barad-dűr, game over. /
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******************************************
Once Gandalf dreamt he was a moth, a moth flitting and fluttering around, happy with himself and doing as he pleased. He didn't know he was Gandalf. Suddenly he woke up and there he was, solid and unmistakably Gandalf. But he didn't know if he was Gandalf who had dreamt he was a moth, or a moth dreaming he was Gandalf. Between Gandalf and a moth there must be some distinction! But really, there isn't, because he's actually Olórin dreaming he's both Gandalf *and* a moth!
-From Gandalfi: The Moth Dream
(This post was edited by Darkstone on Aug 28 2013, 3:28pm)
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Talk about music of the Golden Oldies! //
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