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The One Ring Forums: Tolkien Topics: The Arena:
online kitchens vs. gothmog

Maciliel
Tol Eressea


Jul 2 2013, 12:59pm

Post #1 of 23 (427 views)
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online kitchens vs. gothmog Can't Post

 
i have been pretty impressed with the resiliency of online kitchens.... they keep cropping up on this board no matter how many times the modar might smite them.

what could be tougher than an online kitchen?

gothmog?



cheers --

.


aka. fili orc-enshield
+++++++++++++++++++
the scene, as i understand it, is exceptionally well-written. fili (in sort of a callback to the scene with the eagles), calls out "thorRIIIIIIN!!!" just as he sees the pale orc veer in for the kill. he picks up the severed arm of an orc which is lying on the ground, swings it up in desperation, effectively blocking the pale orc's blow. and thus, forever after, fili is known as "fili orc-enshield."

this earns him deep respect from his hard-to-please uncle. as well as a hug. kili wipes his boots on the pale orc's glory box. -- maciliel telpemairo


Lothwen
Rivendell


Jul 2 2013, 1:10pm

Post #2 of 23 (290 views)
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Online kitchens wins [In reply to] Can't Post

Due to determination, persistence, and the ever courageous "we shall not give in" attitude.

'There lie the woods of Lothlorien!' said Legolas. 'That is the fairest of all the dwellings of my people. There are no trees like the trees of that land. For in the autumn their leaves fall not, but turn to gold.'


Maciliel
Tol Eressea


Jul 2 2013, 1:16pm

Post #3 of 23 (274 views)
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oh, i [In reply to] Can't Post

 
...think you may be correct, lothwen.

the stamina, the seeming imperviousness to pain, rejection, destruction.

online kitchens are scary.


cheers --

.


aka. fili orc-enshield
+++++++++++++++++++
the scene, as i understand it, is exceptionally well-written. fili (in sort of a callback to the scene with the eagles), calls out "thorRIIIIIIN!!!" just as he sees the pale orc veer in for the kill. he picks up the severed arm of an orc which is lying on the ground, swings it up in desperation, effectively blocking the pale orc's blow. and thus, forever after, fili is known as "fili orc-enshield."

this earns him deep respect from his hard-to-please uncle. as well as a hug. kili wipes his boots on the pale orc's glory box. -- maciliel telpemairo


Darkstone
Immortal


Jul 2 2013, 1:51pm

Post #4 of 23 (298 views)
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Online Kitchen [In reply to] Can't Post

 A Gondor trebuchet launches an online kitchen at Gothmog, but he just steps aside. Then Gothmog uses it to cook Minas-trone soup using what's left of the Gondor prisoners. But the online kitchen is so contaminated by ancient spam, poisonous trolls, old trollbait, and porn that Gothmog and all his men get food poisoning and die.

******************************************
Brothers, sisters,
I was Elf once.
We danced together
Under the Two Trees.
We sang as the soft gold of Laurelin
And the bright silver of Telperion,
Brought forth the dawn of the world.
Then I was taken.

Brothers, sisters,
In my torment I kept faith,
And I waited.
But you never came.
And when I returned you drew sword,
And when I called your names you drew bow.
Was my Eldar beauty all,
And my soul nothing?

So be it.
I will return your hatred.
And I am hungry.


CuriousG
Valinor


Jul 2 2013, 4:04pm

Post #5 of 23 (257 views)
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Superb! // [In reply to] Can't Post

 


CuriousG
Valinor


Jul 2 2013, 4:13pm

Post #6 of 23 (259 views)
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Kitchen victory [In reply to] Can't Post

While still struggling to grasp an online kitchen without bothering to read the ad, I'm assuming it's real kitchen decor that is sold online. Assuming Aragorn buys a completely modern kitchen online, here's how the scenario plays out:

1. Gothmog is tempted to enter said kitchen by the cheery aroma of stewed hobbit feet.
2. He burns his hand on one of those burners that looks like a flat surface rather than a coil or flame.
3. He slips and falls on the newly linoleumed floor.
4. In anger he hacks at the countertop, but it's granite and not only shatters his sword, it sends shards into his eyes.
5. The icemaker gets possessed by the same spirit of Caradhras and buries him in a blizzard of crippling snow and ice.
6. The dishwasher goes haywire and flings pots and pans everywhere like bomb shrapnel and ruins his mother's antique china.
7. The cupboards pop open, and cram rains down on him like cannonballs.

THE END


sevilodorf
Gondor


Jul 2 2013, 4:54pm

Post #7 of 23 (267 views)
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Kitchen [In reply to] Can't Post

it's familiarity and usefulness means it will win the hearts of the masses.

Fourth Age Adventures at the Inn of the Burping Troll http://burpingtroll.com





Maciliel
Tol Eressea


Jul 2 2013, 4:55pm

Post #8 of 23 (264 views)
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ah.... [In reply to] Can't Post

 
kitchen annatar, eh sevilodorf?



cheers : )


.


aka. fili orc-enshield
+++++++++++++++++++
the scene, as i understand it, is exceptionally well-written. fili (in sort of a callback to the scene with the eagles), calls out "thorRIIIIIIN!!!" just as he sees the pale orc veer in for the kill. he picks up the severed arm of an orc which is lying on the ground, swings it up in desperation, effectively blocking the pale orc's blow. and thus, forever after, fili is known as "fili orc-enshield."

this earns him deep respect from his hard-to-please uncle. as well as a hug. kili wipes his boots on the pale orc's glory box. -- maciliel telpemairo


DanielLB
Immortal


Jul 2 2013, 5:15pm

Post #9 of 23 (250 views)
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The kitchen wins! Not only are all the knives found there... [In reply to] Can't Post

But an online kitchen also contains many other weird and wonderful appliances that you can only find online. Plus, they're all perfect for destorying Orcs. There's:

- Doorless microwaves
- Turkey baster/home enema kits
- Orc compactors
- Knife floor tiles
- Fairy washing up bombs
- Sucking ceiling fans

I'd like to see Gothmog survive that. Tongue

Coming soon!- The first TORn Amateur Symposium, starts Sunday 21st July in the Reading Room. Closing date for essay submission Sunday 14th July, but even if you don't submit, join us for some interesting discussion on some different and personal ways of looking at Tolkien's work


Brethil
Half-elven


Jul 2 2013, 5:18pm

Post #10 of 23 (263 views)
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I'm seeing the Kitchen triumphant... [In reply to] Can't Post

I see a twisted writhing earth, which at Morgoth's command spews up the picture at hand on the Black IPad - the Online Kitchen is called forth. Matching oven mitts are brought by Orcs as tribute. Morgoth is pleased, and a great work is begun. Gothmog is consumed with jealousy and is poised to strike down the Kitchen in wrath and flame when Morgoth steps out for fat free cooking spray. Silently Morgoth returns just in time...Grond speaks once and Gothmog falls. Never would Morgoth allow any hurt to come to the convection oven, that which held the Silmarils in the even-baking eternal glory.

Ding. Muffins are done. Morgoth rejoices. The Kitchen stands triumphant above the body of Gothmog its enemy.

Coming soon!- The first TORn Amateur Symposium, starts Sunday 21st July in the Reading Room. Closing date for essay submission Sunday 14th July, but even if you don't submit, join us for some interesting discussion on some different and personal ways of looking at Tolkien's work.


CuriousG
Valinor


Jul 2 2013, 5:34pm

Post #11 of 23 (259 views)
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Oh, that was epic! [In reply to] Can't Post

I'm a little disturbed that Morgoth was the hero (you subversive mynx), but at least one bad guy lost in the fight, and even better, now we know how to make homemade Silmarils. I'm going to put some cinnamon and chocolate in mine; that pure vanilla Feanor version was so dull. And you can always add more glitter to their icing to liven them up.


Brethil
Half-elven


Jul 2 2013, 6:16pm

Post #12 of 23 (251 views)
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Baked with the light of the Silmarils... [In reply to] Can't Post


In Reply To
I'm a little disturbed that Morgoth was the hero (you subversive mynx), but at least one bad guy lost in the fight, and even better, now we know how to make homemade Silmarils. I'm going to put some cinnamon and chocolate in mine; that pure vanilla Feanor version was so dull. And you can always add more glitter to their icing to liven them up.






Ah, the Silmaril recipe itself wasn't in the introductory cookbook subscription. You need to order the upgraded version, with the Mithril cover. It's quite spendy.

As for the baked goods - shall we call them Sillamuffins? Almost compulsory to eat one when wearing the Nauglamuffin. Of course once the Silmarils are separated, into Earth, Water and Air, we shall not have them again until after the world is Remade. (There is the one available, true, but I don't see Earandil as much of a baker. Those sailor-types just sort of eat and run. Plus baking with only one Silmaril you don't get a good crisp on top.)

Perhaps with the renewal of the world, the Kitchen will inexorably rise again (as it does on our site), along with the willow-meads of Tasarinan...and the Convection Oven will glow with light again.

(I may have to use 'Subversive Mynx' as second nick. It's so catchy!) Tongue Added: maybe a tattoo of that as well, right next to '#131'.

Coming soon!- The first TORn Amateur Symposium, starts Sunday 21st July in the Reading Room. Closing date for essay submission Sunday 14th July, but even if you don't submit, join us for some interesting discussion on some different and personal ways of looking at Tolkien's work.

(This post was edited by Brethil on Jul 2 2013, 6:24pm)


CuriousG
Valinor


Jul 2 2013, 6:18pm

Post #13 of 23 (236 views)
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*dissolves in chuckles* [In reply to] Can't Post


Quote
Plus with only one Silmaril you don't get a good crisp on top.




noWizardme
Tol Eressea


Jul 3 2013, 7:51pm

Post #14 of 23 (210 views)
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gothmog? [In reply to] Can't Post

Is presumably Darkstone's cat, wearing black and with emo makeup

Oh, you mean the Tolkien character?

Disclaimers: The words of noWizardme may stand on their heads! I'm often wrong about things, and its fun to be taught more....

"nowimė I am in the West, Furincurunir to the Dwarves (or at least, to their best friend) and by other names in other lands. Mostly they just say 'Oh no it's him - look busy!' "
Or "Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!"


Maciliel
Tol Eressea


Jul 3 2013, 7:57pm

Post #15 of 23 (202 views)
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isn't [In reply to] Can't Post

 
isn't gothmog the name you call your electric toothbrush?

cheers --

.


aka. fili orc-enshield
+++++++++++++++++++
the scene, as i understand it, is exceptionally well-written. fili (in sort of a callback to the scene with the eagles), calls out "thorRIIIIIIN!!!" just as he sees the pale orc veer in for the kill. he picks up the severed arm of an orc which is lying on the ground, swings it up in desperation, effectively blocking the pale orc's blow. and thus, forever after, fili is known as "fili orc-enshield."

this earns him deep respect from his hard-to-please uncle. as well as a hug. kili wipes his boots on the pale orc's glory box. -- maciliel telpemairo


sevilodorf
Gondor


Jul 10 2013, 3:46pm

Post #16 of 23 (173 views)
Shortcut
Images of an easy bake oven// [In reply to] Can't Post

 

Fourth Age Adventures at the Inn of the Burping Troll http://burpingtroll.com





Darkstone
Immortal


Jul 10 2013, 4:09pm

Post #17 of 23 (159 views)
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Telpyrex and Laurelenox / [In reply to] Can't Post

 

******************************************
Revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and muffins.


Brethil
Half-elven


Jul 10 2013, 6:20pm

Post #18 of 23 (168 views)
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The Easy Bake oven in Morgoth's kitchen: EXTRA dark setting only // [In reply to] Can't Post

 

Coming soon!- The first TORn Amateur Symposium, starts Sunday 21st July in the Reading Room. Closing date for essay submission Sunday 14th July, but even if you don't submit, join us for some interesting discussion on some different and personal ways of looking at Tolkien's work.







Maciliel
Tol Eressea


Jul 11 2013, 4:08am

Post #19 of 23 (163 views)
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the pilot light [In reply to] Can't Post

 
the pilot light is a teeny, teeny, teeny eye of sauron on top of a teeny, teeny, teeny tower.

man, that oven just worked like gangbusters. i had it for three ages, but then the pilot light went out when frodo destroyed the one ring, and it hasn't worked since.



cheers ---

.


aka. fili orc-enshield
+++++++++++++++++++
the scene, as i understand it, is exceptionally well-written. fili (in sort of a callback to the scene with the eagles), calls out "thorRIIIIIIN!!!" just as he sees the pale orc veer in for the kill. he picks up the severed arm of an orc which is lying on the ground, swings it up in desperation, effectively blocking the pale orc's blow. and thus, forever after, fili is known as "fili orc-enshield."

this earns him deep respect from his hard-to-please uncle. as well as a hug. kili wipes his boots on the pale orc's glory box. -- maciliel telpemairo


Patty
Immortal


Jul 11 2013, 5:27am

Post #20 of 23 (178 views)
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I see Altaira has been mixing the drinks too strong at Fiesta again. [In reply to] Can't Post

But of course, she mixes them in TORn 's kitchens, which are online.

Does this means she is working for...

Permanent address: Into the West






Patty
Immortal


Jul 15 2013, 8:48am

Post #21 of 23 (164 views)
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Is that about the time all the easy bake ovens were recalled?/ [In reply to] Can't Post

 

Permanent address: Into the West






Radagast-Aiwendil
Gondor


Jul 31 2013, 6:24pm

Post #22 of 23 (125 views)
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I think it depends on [In reply to] Can't Post

Whether or not a stone giant comes along, picks up said online kitchen, and whether or not he then throws said kitchen in Gothmog's general direction! Wink

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."-Gandalf


Maciliel
Tol Eressea


Jul 31 2013, 6:27pm

Post #23 of 23 (201 views)
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that... [In reply to] Can't Post

 
is an +exceedingly+ logical point.

well done, radagast-aiwendil!


cheers --

.


aka. fili orc-enshield
+++++++++++++++++++
the scene, as i understand it, is exceptionally well-written. fili (in sort of a callback to the scene with the eagles), calls out "thorRIIIIIIN!!!" just as he sees the pale orc veer in for the kill. he picks up the severed arm of an orc which is lying on the ground, swings it up in desperation, effectively blocking the pale orc's blow. and thus, forever after, fili is known as "fili orc-enshield."

this earns him deep respect from his hard-to-please uncle. as well as a hug. kili wipes his boots on the pale orc's glory box. -- maciliel telpemairo

 
 

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