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The One Ring Forums: Tolkien Topics: Movie Discussion: The Hobbit:
If the Hobbit were Directed By...
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Rostron2
Gondor


Jan 22 2013, 6:48pm

Post #1 of 57 (1459 views)
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If the Hobbit were Directed By... Can't Post

what would we see? (for serious perspective or fun...)

Michael Bay: There would be more fires and explosions beyond count; there would have been a couple of pointless female characters...

Quentin Tarantino: There would be a lot of violence and blood and the revenge trope would be the whole movie, not Bilbo.

M.Night Shyamalan: The Necromancer would turn out to be a member of the company in some huge twist that doesn't really make sense.

Tim Burton: It would be done in almost gray scale. It would have been done with stop-motion animation, and lots of characters would mumble, and the Necromancer would have a song

Guy Ritchie: There would be shotguns used by dwarves, and the goblins and dwarves would be rival gangs of crooks robbing the bank of Smaug

Terence Malick: The story would make no sense because it would be a pipeweed induced dream of Bilbo's with endless shots of trees in Mirkwood.

Kathryn Bigelow: There would be highly realistic White Council sessions on how to deal with Smaug/Necromancer, etc. Bilbo would be a 'rookie' adventurer introduced to grizzled and cynical veterans of treasure hunts.

Martin Scorsese: Actually, having seen his one kids film, I'd like to see how Marty would have done a fantasy epic.

JJ Abrams: Lots of fantastical dwarven devices would be used. There would be plot holes a mile wide that are only there to frustrate/puzzle the fans, and he'd simply blow up the elves, since he doesn't like their culture.

Woody Allen: Bilbo's character would be almost unwatchable as he adopts Allen-like mannerisms, and Bilbos would definitely NOT get the girl in the end.

Mel Brooks: It would be sort of like a joke-fest with ill-timing throughout, but charming.

Steven Spielberg: Would spend a lot of time on the characters and their own personal backstories, but the script would be about as Tolkien as Twilight

Oliver Stone: The movie would spend a lot of time dealing in Sauron's deception, Saruman's duplicity, and some kind of elf plot to steal dwarven treasure and betray Thorin.




...


bborchar
Rohan

Jan 22 2013, 6:52pm

Post #2 of 57 (851 views)
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Michael Bay... [In reply to] Can't Post

(was in the other thread, but moving here)

Unexplained Party - lots of racist jokes, only lasts about 10 seconds before something crashes through the door...something explodes for no reason

Trolls - more racist jokes, lots of jumpy camera work...and the trolls explode when the dawn breaks

Rivendell - Somehow work in a bad romantic kiss scene with Galadriel and Thorin, even though it makes no sense

Goblin Town - Can't see anything because it's really dark and it was shot in bad lighting, but somehow the camerawork still manages to make you sick because of jumpiness. Everything EXPLODES as they all jump out of the exit of the mountain in slow motion (along with rolling fireball)

End Scene - Pine cones turn into grenades, Eagle drop exploding bombs, and instead of the tree falling off of the cliff, the whole cliff falls off of the cliff in an earthquake.

Hmm...I'm sure I didn't add enough explosions in there...


Rostron2
Gondor


Jan 22 2013, 6:56pm

Post #3 of 57 (746 views)
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Thanks for the detail! // [In reply to] Can't Post

 


xMb
The Shire

Jan 22 2013, 7:00pm

Post #4 of 57 (797 views)
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Michael Bay [In reply to] Can't Post

would also replace Gandalf and a handful of dwarves with female super models that had zero acting skills.


bborchar
Rohan

Jan 22 2013, 7:07pm

Post #5 of 57 (758 views)
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And even in the snowy mountains... [In reply to] Can't Post

They would still wear cut off shirts and daisy dukes. Although they probably wouldn't get cold from constantly running from explosions.


glor
Rohan

Jan 22 2013, 7:08pm

Post #6 of 57 (795 views)
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Ridley Scott [In reply to] Can't Post

Beautiful, epic, emence...........

....but unfortunately only the dwarves arriving at Bag End was filmed as, double the original budget for the film had already been spent Laugh


(This post was edited by glor on Jan 22 2013, 7:09pm)


Aragalen the Green
Gondor


Jan 22 2013, 7:18pm

Post #7 of 57 (725 views)
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Wonderful! [In reply to] Can't Post

I like the M. Night Shyamalan one. Combine with Tim Burton and the Necromancer would be a singing dancing member of the Company!

I'm afraid Bilbo never gets the girl though.

There it is: dwarves are not heroes, but calculating folk with a great idea of the value of money; some are tricky and treacherous and pretty bad lots; some are not, but are decent enough people like Thorin and Company, if you don't expect too much.


(This post was edited by Aragalen the Green on Jan 22 2013, 7:18pm)


Arandir
Gondor


Jan 22 2013, 7:18pm

Post #8 of 57 (741 views)
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Let's not forget huge amounts of dust [In reply to] Can't Post

in which the characters must plod through Wink

'The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey' Review


bborchar
Rohan

Jan 22 2013, 7:25pm

Post #9 of 57 (733 views)
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M. Night Shyamalan... [In reply to] Can't Post

...would have all of the characters running away from the wind...seriously.


Ruxendil_Thoorg
Grey Havens


Jan 22 2013, 7:28pm

Post #10 of 57 (741 views)
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Michael Bay's version (my take on it) [In reply to] Can't Post

Would be all about the stone giants.

Petricus Prime , brave leader of the Autorocks,

Versus

Megalith, evil leader of the Deceptistones

the Ring is known to them as the All-Sparkle.


Wink

A bag is like a hole that you can carry with you.

http://newboards.theonering.net/...forum_view_expanded;


macfalk
Valinor


Jan 22 2013, 7:59pm

Post #11 of 57 (720 views)
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Alfonso Cuaron [In reply to] Can't Post

The Shire would have a dreary and depressive grey color palette, with lots of "artsy" cutaways that don't make sense.



The greatest adventure is what lies ahead.


Aragalen the Green
Gondor


Jan 22 2013, 8:05pm

Post #12 of 57 (758 views)
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If Ridley Scott directed the Hobbit... [In reply to] Can't Post

I think the Spiders scene in Mirkwood would be very, very scary. Very, very, very scary...with artificial flying Spiders that have acid for blood.

There it is: dwarves are not heroes, but calculating folk with a great idea of the value of money; some are tricky and treacherous and pretty bad lots; some are not, but are decent enough people like Thorin and Company, if you don't expect too much.


Arandir
Gondor


Jan 22 2013, 8:06pm

Post #13 of 57 (660 views)
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Plus a few 10-minute single take segments throughout the film ... // [In reply to] Can't Post

 

'The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey' Review


Ataahua
Superuser / Moderator


Jan 22 2013, 8:46pm

Post #14 of 57 (686 views)
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That Shyamalan one is perfect. :D [In reply to] Can't Post

John Woo: The Eagles would be replaced with slow-motion doves; and at some point during the fight at the pines, poor Bilbo would be hanging off the side of a fast-moving Warg as the Hobbit tries to get to the bad guy.

Zack Snyder: The Dwarves' outfits are replaced with leather hot-pants with metal detail. Plus the boots. They'll need the boots.

Celebrimbor: "Pretty rings..."
Dwarves: "Pretty rings..."
Men: "Pretty rings..."
Sauron: "Mine's better."

"Ah, how ironic, the addictive qualities of Sauron’s master weapon led to its own destruction. Which just goes to show, kids - if you want two small and noble souls to succeed on a mission of dire importance... send an evil-minded beggar with them too." - Gandalf's Diaries, final par, by Ufthak.


Ataahua's stories


glor
Rohan

Jan 22 2013, 9:16pm

Post #15 of 57 (647 views)
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Gore Verbinski [In reply to] Can't Post

Johnny Depp as Bilbo, Geoffrey Rush as Thorin .....th

..and Orlando Bloom in there somewhere ...

...no wait, Orlando Bloom is already in The Hobbit..

.....Laugh


Arthael
Lorien


Jan 22 2013, 10:05pm

Post #16 of 57 (597 views)
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Perfect! [In reply to] Can't Post

well done, good sir (or ma'am!)

"There are no safe paths in this part of the world. Remember you are over the Edge of the Wild, and in for all sorts of fun wherever you go."


Longbottom Leaf
Rivendell


Jan 22 2013, 10:09pm

Post #17 of 57 (623 views)
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Quentin Tarantino... [In reply to] Can't Post

Part 1: Reservoir Dwarves
Part 2: From Dusk til Smaug
Part 3:???? Inglorious wizards, perhaps
posted something like this awhile back in another thread but still think it's funny

The finest weed in the southfarthing!


Sinister71
Tol Eressea


Jan 22 2013, 10:12pm

Post #18 of 57 (624 views)
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Peter Jackson ? [In reply to] Can't Post

Make up as much story as possible leaving just enough of what Tolkien wrote so people who really don't care whether the source material is in there or not, just get to see more middle earth. With a film that semi resembles LOTR but takes everything the original story did, changes it to be some action packed amusement park ride OR takes it out of context.... Oh wait we just got that version.Unsure

I would have loved to see DelToro's version, or Mike Newell since I liked "Goblet of fire" can't blame a director for a poor script, gotta blame the writers. or even someone less known like Russell Mulcahy who directed the original Highlander film.


bborchar
Rohan

Jan 22 2013, 10:25pm

Post #19 of 57 (581 views)
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Oh yes... [In reply to] Can't Post

...because Hellboy and its sequel were the epitome of "sticking strictly to the story", and he didn't add anything to make those movies more flashy or action-packed.

And people liked Goblet of Fire because it didn't follow the book exactly. Also, as much as I enjoyed Highlander when I was young, I don't know why someone would think that it's an example of great filmmaking.


IdrilofGondolin
Rohan

Jan 22 2013, 10:26pm

Post #20 of 57 (609 views)
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Joss Whedon [In reply to] Can't Post

Thorin would wear a brown coat.
There would be lots of pop culture references.
Dialog would be crisp and mostly cliche-free


Rostron2
Gondor


Jan 22 2013, 10:31pm

Post #21 of 57 (578 views)
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John Woo!!! [In reply to] Can't Post

Hilarious, I forgot about him and his doves.


Rostron2
Gondor


Jan 22 2013, 10:32pm

Post #22 of 57 (581 views)
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Actually...methinks that's George Lucas [In reply to] Can't Post

They would have to go through large desert landscapes called Tatooine. Everyone hates sand, don't they? :)


Rostron2
Gondor


Jan 22 2013, 10:34pm

Post #23 of 57 (549 views)
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Hilarious ! // [In reply to] Can't Post

 


FlyingSerkis
Rivendell


Jan 22 2013, 10:37pm

Post #24 of 57 (565 views)
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Excellent! [In reply to] Can't Post


In Reply To
Tim Burton: It would be done in almost gray scale. It would have been done with stop-motion animation, and lots of characters would mumble, and the Necromancer would have a song


Laugh

You're forgetting Helena Bonham Carter as Galadriel though... Tongue

Then Manwė and Yavanna parted for that time, and Yavanna returned to Aulė; and he was in his smithy, pouring molten metal into a mould. 'Eru is bountiful,' she said. 'Now let thy children beware! For there shall walk a power in the forests whose wrath they will arouse at their peril.'

'Nonetheless they will have need of wood,' said Aulė, and he went on with his smith-work.


Rostron2
Gondor


Jan 22 2013, 10:39pm

Post #25 of 57 (556 views)
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Yes, absolutely [In reply to] Can't Post

She's in EVERYTHING. and she'd be CRAZY.

LOOK INTO MY MIRROR, FRODO *licks lips* AM I NOT BEAUTIFUL? *smirks showing bad teeth*

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