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The One Ring Forums: Tolkien Topics: Movie Discussion: The Hobbit:
My Own Personal Onion Article:


Sep 20 2012, 4:31am

Post #1 of 15 (1338 views)
My Own Personal Onion Article: Can't Post

J.R.R. Tolkien re-animated, writes own Hobbit adaptation, fans still refuse to like film:

Earlier this year, J.R.R. Tolkien (author of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings), was re-animated by British scientists. He very abruptly sat down at a typewriter and churned out a screenplay for the Hobbit that many said would "be the legitimate alternative to Peter Jackson's abominations." Fans immediately rejoiced until Wednesday when the trailer for Tolkien's adaptation was put out on the internet.

"I thought it was completely not in the spirit of the book" said one Middle-Earth fan, with the screen-name 'Durin'sAxe.'

"I was disappointed" said another fan, screen-name 'OscureCharacterEvenPeopleWhoHaveReadTheBook500TimesHaveNeverHeardOf', "There was no mention of Bilbo smiling on the fortieth page, following the moment he ran in between those two trees... which by the way looked completely unrealistic." This person was not dissuaded by the fact that the two trees he was referring to were actually trees. 'Arwenshouldgetbackinthekitchen67' stated "This is what's wrong with Hollywood, they put things in films like drama, and action, and humor, and character development... completely ruins everything."

Some fans even took extreme measures. Dr. Albert Narula of Oxford University said a study ascertained just this past week showed that some Tolkien fans had actually decided to read the books again and not go see the film. "Roughly five or six Tolkien fans are not seeing the film. This is troubling considering the small amount of money that Warner Brothers will lose from film-goers who would otherwise be spending on a ticket."

An unnamed source told reporters that he would not be going to see the film. "It's an insult to everything Tolkien stood for... before he wrote the screenplay."

Peter Jackson had something to say about all this: "I really, really, from the bottom of my heart don't care. Honestly. I have millions of dollars, thousands of fans who love my films, and I'm buried in Oscars."

Zombie Tolkien was asked for a rebuttal to these criticisms, he simply replied, and I quote: "Ahhhhrrrrrgggghhhhhhhh." Then he went back to typing a Silmarillion screenplay.

- 9/19/2012 (London,UK)

The Grey Pilgrim, they once called me. Three hundred lives of men I walked this earth, and now I have no time...

Superuser / Moderator

Sep 20 2012, 4:49am

Post #2 of 15 (545 views)
Nice piece of satire [In reply to] Can't Post

Love the nicknames. Laugh

Having read Tolkien's letters, and his opinions about other screenplays based on his books, I have zero doubt that he would *want* to re-write PJs. I, for one, would go watch it in a second whether or not he left out Bilbo smiling on page 40. But, even *he* would have to leave *something* out. As we've seen here, that something would inevitably be some people's least favorite part (i.e. good riddance), and other people's deal-breaker.

But, alas, I think you're right: we'd never see a Tolkien screenplay because he wouldn't be able to resist trying to finish the Sil, bless his heart. HeartSmile

A belated welcome, btw. Smile

Koru: Maori symbol representing a fern frond as it opens. The koru reaches towards the light, striving for perfection, encouraging new, positive beginnings.

"Life can't be all work and no TORn" -- jflower

"I take a moment to fervently hope that the camaradarie and just plain old fun I found at TORn will never end" -- LOTR_nutcase


Sep 20 2012, 5:58am

Post #3 of 15 (478 views)
great post. love it [In reply to] Can't Post



Sep 20 2012, 6:38am

Post #4 of 15 (482 views)
Love it! [In reply to] Can't Post

"I really, really, from the bottom of my heart don't care. Honestly. I have millions of dollars, thousands of fans who love my films, and I'm buried in Oscars."

Want Hobbit Movie News? Hobbit Headlines of the Week!

Valandil ed Imladris

Sep 20 2012, 8:24am

Post #5 of 15 (406 views)
:D [In reply to] Can't Post

Thanks for the day's start!


Sep 20 2012, 11:54am

Post #6 of 15 (385 views)
To be fair to Tolkien [In reply to] Can't Post

He would have never made movie versions of his works, that's why he waited so long to sell the film rights. Money is a powerful drug, and he had a family to look after. He knew they wouldn't work and he was right, they had to be edited greatly. Fans would be right to hate Zombie Tolkien!

I hope someday in the future when CGI is perfected and real actors aren't needed anymore, when it's cheap enough to make that attracting a large following and making a massive profit aren't important, we get a completely faithful miniseries. It will follow the books exactly, with every piece of dialogue word for word. Even then, it wouldn't perfectly emualte the book - nothing can - but it's as close as we'll ever get.

(This post was edited by stoutfiles on Sep 20 2012, 12:03pm)


Sep 20 2012, 12:11pm

Post #7 of 15 (367 views)
Mr Tolkien [In reply to] Can't Post

sat in the dark, his poor old eyes could not take in the assault of colour, fast movement and roaring noise. He recognized few of the people he had penned more than half a century before. He didnt understand what they were saying, obviously this was the modern parlance that he had so much difficulty understanding. he didnt recognize his story and it made him very sad and weary. Everything on the screen seemed so crude and the gentle humour he loved so much was hammered into place to be laughed at whether he felt like it or no. Poor Gollum was made to look like he had an invisible friend, Thorin was some generic handsome hero and the dwarves, oh, the dwarves were creatures from a Land he knew not where. Why were his little people turned into circus freaks? He got up out of the seat and walked out into the street and breathed a great sigh of sorrow and not for the first time wished himself back in his comfortable home.

(This post was edited by Elenorflower on Sep 20 2012, 12:12pm)


Sep 20 2012, 1:21pm

Post #8 of 15 (324 views)
And it will be terrible and win zero awards. lol // [In reply to] Can't Post


The Grey Pilgrim, they once called me. Three hundred lives of men I walked this earth, and now I have no time...


Sep 20 2012, 1:23pm

Post #9 of 15 (341 views)
Oh brother... [In reply to] Can't Post

...I wouldn't have even read the books had I not fell madly in love with the Lord of the Rings films.

The Grey Pilgrim, they once called me. Three hundred lives of men I walked this earth, and now I have no time...

Captain Salt
Tol Eressea

Sep 20 2012, 3:28pm

Post #10 of 15 (290 views)
Ah, if only complaints about the trailer were in reality such petty bickerings [In reply to] Can't Post

rather than very real concerns! 8)

And BTW, there were supposed to be THREE trees in the scene with Bilbo and the trees...they left out the third tree. Yet another massive blunder of PJ's part. :P

My Top 5 Wish List for "The Hobbit"
5. Legolas will surf down Smaug's neck
4. Bilbo will be revealed to a Robot
3. Naked PJ cameo as Ghan-Buri-Ghan
2. Use of not only 3D, but smell-o-vision, plus the inclusion of axes coming out of the seats and poking the audience when appropriate
1. Not only keep the claim that Thorin & Co. ran amok in Mirkwood "molesting people", but depict said incident in vivid detail!!!!!

(This post was edited by Captain Salt on Sep 20 2012, 3:35pm)

Forum Admin / Moderator

Sep 20 2012, 3:31pm

Post #11 of 15 (264 views)
Bwahahaha! [In reply to] Can't Post

That was written by a Tolkien fan, for sure.Smile


Sep 20 2012, 3:35pm

Post #12 of 15 (268 views)
That's the thing [In reply to] Can't Post

It in no way reflects the reality of most of the criticism, which has little to do with slavish purism, and more to do with feeling that the trailer felt...well...generic.

But if this site WAS full of fanatic purists, it would be quite funny.


Sep 20 2012, 4:04pm

Post #13 of 15 (245 views)
And on Talk Like a Pirate Day... [In reply to] Can't Post

Pirate Zombie Tolkien just said "AHHHHHHRRRRR"!


"BOTH [political] extremes are dangerous. But more dangerous are team fanboys who think all the extremists are on the OTHER side." (CNN reader comment)

It is always those with the fewest sensible things to say who make the loudest noise in saying them. --Precious Ramotswe (Alexander McCall Smith)


Sep 20 2012, 4:56pm

Post #14 of 15 (241 views)
Great post! [In reply to] Can't Post

Loved those screen names :).

Ethel Duath

Sep 21 2012, 1:45am

Post #15 of 15 (220 views)
Hahaha! :D I think I'll change my screen name now. [In reply to] Can't Post

Brilliant! Laugh ("ObscureCharacterEvenPeopleWhoHaveReadTheBook500TimesHaveNeverHeardOf")

(Do you ever look them up? Sometimes I do, and sometimes I feel so ignorant I just can't make myself bother . . .)


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