Our Sponsor Sideshow Collectibles Send us News
Lord of the Rings Tolkien
Search Tolkien
Lord of The RingsTheOneRing.net - Forged By And For Fans Of JRR Tolkien
Lord of The Rings Serving Middle-Earth Since The First Age

Lord of the Rings Movie News - J.R.R. Tolkien
Do you enjoy the 100% volunteer, not for profit services of TheOneRing.net?
Consider a donation!

  Main Index   Search Posts   Who's Online   Log in
The One Ring Forums: Tolkien Topics: Fan Art:
Ruled By Secrecy (My WIP Story) UPDATED 2/23/07

~LANCELOT~
The Shire


Feb 22 2007, 5:11am

Post #1 of 8 (838 views)
Shortcut
Ruled By Secrecy (My WIP Story) UPDATED 2/23/07 Can't Post

 

White shores, and beyond, a far green country, under a swift sunrise...

(This post was edited by ~LANCELOT~ on Feb 24 2007, 1:52am)


Altaira
Superuser / Moderator


Feb 22 2007, 6:14am

Post #2 of 8 (619 views)
Shortcut
Welcome to TORn, Lancelot! [In reply to] Can't Post

Nice start to a nice story! Good for you for deciding to enter.

I'm not much for writing anything other than business-type narratives, but I love to read, so I do have a bit of input from that perspective:

I like the introduciton so far and I definitely want to know what happens next (a good sign). Smile The only thing I might suggest concerns this passage:


Quote

The Alpha Party had to come up with a solution, for the world was not going to endure much longer. This is when 3 astronauts come in.



Changing the part in blue to the past tense would fit better with the previous sentence, IMHO. Either that, or leave it out entirely.

Other than that I think it's a great start. Thanks for sharing it with us and welcome again!


Koru: Maori symbol representing a fern frond as it opens. The koru reaches towards the light, striving for perfection, encouraging new, positive beginnings.



"All we have to decide is what to do with the boards that are given to us"



"I take a moment to fervently hope that the camaradarie and just plain old fun I found at TORn will never end" -- LOTR_nutcase

TORn Calendar


linkin-artelf
Lorien


Feb 22 2007, 7:50am

Post #3 of 8 (601 views)
Shortcut
a few suggestions [In reply to] Can't Post

for an otherwise well written and interesting beginning.

I think in this phrase:
"...the worlds leaders become weary of a revolt of sorts."
the correct word might be leery or wary, not weary?

This sentence:
"Delta, the premier city of the New World, and the stronghold of the world government; the Alpha Party, was always in a hustle and bustle, until announcements."
might read better if the first half had a verb in it.

This sentence:
"Races didn’t mingle, and it was often frowned upon by Governmental Officials."
I'm guessing the races don't mingle because they are not allowed to by the government if sectors are divided racially, so maybe it should read:
"Races didn’t mingle, as it was frowned upon by Governmental Officials."


This phrase:
"and then went about the daily routine."
would read better if it was in the same tense as the first half of the sentence.

One concern I have is whether you should be posting this online. I know many writing contests disqualify previously published works and that includes posting the work online in any forum. You may want to check that.

and ps, your nick is unfamiliar to me. If you're new, welcome to TORn!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
"I walk along the shore and I gaze
At the light that radiates down
Will it travel forth to you
Far across this shimmering sea?"
formerly linkinparkelf


Daughter of Nienna
Grey Havens


Feb 22 2007, 8:59am

Post #4 of 8 (591 views)
Shortcut
interesting comments [In reply to] Can't Post

are you are writer as well as a visual artist?

Websites Directory, my drawings,Aloha & Mahalo


Nienna: “ those who hearken to her learn pity, and endurance in hope . . . All those who wait in Mandos cry to her, for she brings strength to the spirit and turns sorrow to wisdom." — Valaquenta

(This post was edited by Daughter of Nienna on Feb 22 2007, 8:59am)


linkin-artelf
Lorien


Feb 22 2007, 3:39pm

Post #5 of 8 (596 views)
Shortcut
Heck no [In reply to] Can't Post

Maybe I'm just a busybody.Tongue
I do like to dabble in poetry but the writer in the family is my daughter. She has an ease and power with words I can only dream of.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
"I walk along the shore and I gaze
At the light that radiates down
Will it travel forth to you
Far across this shimmering sea?"
formerly linkinparkelf


~LANCELOT~
The Shire


Feb 22 2007, 7:58pm

Post #6 of 8 (586 views)
Shortcut
RE: A few suggestions [In reply to] Can't Post

Thanks for the suggestions. I made a few changes, so there should be an update soon. With regards to posting it online, I really dont think it will be an enourmous issue..Thanks for the feedback once again..

Cheers,
Andrew

White shores, and beyond, a far green country, under a swift sunrise...


ringhead91
Rivendell


Feb 23 2007, 2:15am

Post #7 of 8 (570 views)
Shortcut
reminds me of 1984... [In reply to] Can't Post

I really enjoyed reading this. My only criticisms would be that you reveal too much information in the first paragraphs and that you should remove the quotation marks from around 'citizens' and 'injections.'

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.



~LANCELOT~
The Shire


Feb 23 2007, 5:45am

Post #8 of 8 (706 views)
Shortcut
Update! [In reply to] Can't Post

After the turn of the millennium, the year 2000, the world was already long into its spiral to shambles. Corrupt Governments, conspiracy theories galore, phenomena of nature controlling the Earth more and more every year, and chaos in the “Third World” countries…

As Y2K was upon humanity, people began to think alternatively; “Can we really trust our governments?” “How long until the apocalypse?”. When the population of the world starts to fear a dystopia, the world’s leaders become weary of a revolt of sorts.

Fast-forward, a century from the millennium, to the year 2100…

“All beings from sector S23 are hereby ordered to report to the main coliseum immediately.”

As the announcement was heard, a silence fell over the capital. It had been this way in Delta for as long as the “citizens” had known. Delta, the premier city of the New World, and the stronghold of the world government; the Alpha Party, was always in a hustle and bustle, until announcements. Each sector’s populace was ordered to report to the main coliseum at the heart of Delta, every morning, for waking hour rituals. Each sector was divided by race, as a result of the wars that the world had endured in the past. Races didn’t mingle, and was frowned upon by Governmental Officials. If two citizens of different races were found interacting, they would be immediately whisked away by the Police Force, and would often face death.

The sector members would shuffle into the packed stadium, receive their “Escape” and then went about the daily routine. The Alpha members were never keen on stating why the injection was necessary, nor what benefits it provided. Years ago though, members of the underground resistance managed to smuggle a vile, and run tests on it. When the results returned, the chemical proved to be one that would dim the memory of every person, and in turn it would diminish their sense of world affairs.

That day was different though, and every day was becoming increasingly obscure over the past few years. The long arm of the Alpha Party extended to the very lengths of the Earth, but that meant less and less every year. The Earth’s bodies of surface lay desolate, and much that had once been was all but lost. Mountains were gone, and the depleted Sun was growing more crimson by the hour.

The Alpha Party had to come up with a solution, for the world was not going to endure much longer. This is where 3 astronauts came in. Matthew Noma, a middle-aged space traveler who had been involved in Alpha’s expedition to the moon to explore colonization opportunities, and his crew members Elijah Heaton and Pat Warchrus were restlessly anticipating the opportunity to be part of what could be the last stand for the world.

The mission theory had been leaked from the embassy, and the populous already knew of what the latest travel was to entail. The mission was simple, and the Noma crew was prepared to take the risk.

Scientists and researchers had been debating the best way to reach a new planet. After hours upon hours of study, they came upon the conclusion that Mars would be they safest and most valuable planet to colonize. They had dabbled in ideas about shooting for a farther planet, but the Cydonia region of Mars had proven to possess water. They knew this from previous expeditions, and it was obviously a tilt in the decision-making.

After lengthy debate in the Halls of Power, the Alpha government came to the conclusion that it would be far too risky to send humans to Mars. After the disaster of the trip to Saturn, which saw two of the Governments most praised and renowned astronauts become mangled in to shrapnel in the asteroid belt upon the return, the Alpha party was not going to send humans up for a very long time. On top of that, the mix of races in the Noma crew was far too obvious and would surely prove to be an obstacle.

They came to the agreement that it would be best to send artificial human like robots, the Insanzes 720’s, first, to scout out the area.

When Matt Noma first learned of this fate, he was taken a back as to why the government had opted against humans. There was always human error, but he felt that robots could never be trusted with the future of humanity.

“We have to do something about this,” were the only words that Matt uttered for days.

He began to mingle with the underground resistance, and started to plot theories as to how he could get his crew to Cydonia.

Finally, 3 days before the launch, the idea was born. It seemed to simple, yet if they failed, they would surely be slaughtered at the hands of the Alpha Governmental Police Force, likely in front of all in Delta. The plan was to breach the main “Science Garage” in the core of Delta, just south of the coliseum, and to steal the robots slatted to be sent up. The only problem they could possibly face would be the tight security.

The next day, Matthew convinced 4 members of the resistance to accompany him on the assassination, so to speak. They reached the department long after the sun had gone down, and as had been expected, security was at an all time high around the otherwise peaceful department.

Creeping around the corner, as covert as could be, they came upon the first entrance. To the dismay of the team, there was not only at the very least fifteen armored guards, there was also a pack of cyber-hounds, and a top the door was an enormous plasma cannon.


In regards to removing the quotations around "citizens", it will become essential later in the story..

Cheers,
Andrew


White shores, and beyond, a far green country, under a swift sunrise...

 
 

Search for (options) Powered by Gossamer Forum v.1.2.3

home | advertising | contact us | back to top | search news | join list | Content Rating

This site is maintained and updated by fans of The Lord of the Rings, and is in no way affiliated with Tolkien Enterprises or the Tolkien Estate. We in no way claim the artwork displayed to be our own. Copyrights and trademarks for the books, films, articles, and other promotional materials are held by their respective owners and their use is allowed under the fair use clause of the Copyright Law. Design and original photography however are copyright © 1999-2012 TheOneRing.net. Binary hosting provided by Nexcess.net

Do not follow this link, or your host will be blocked from this site. This is a spider trap.