Talent portion:

While Rowling has no public reputation as a performer, she has said she enjoys music by the Smiths and the Clash. She sings a painful medley of “Train in Vain” and “How Soon is Now”. The judges are trading looks.

Tolkien, also not given to the performing arts, does a reading of “Beowulf” in the original Anglo-Saxon.

The judges vote for Tolkien. One judge interviewed after the competition, said, “We didn’t know what he was saying, but at least he didn’t hurt our ears.”


Swimsuit portion:

The lovely, slender Jo sports a sexy red bikini with high-cut leg. Lookin’ good for a forty-something woman who’s had children.

Tolkien has chosen a 1930s-era swimming suit, daringly baring his arms and even his legs (up to mid-thigh).

Geh. Tolkien loses.


Evening wear portion:

Jo is elegant in a low-cut, black, sleeveless gown with a flowing skirt. The contrast with her blonde hair is stunning.

Tolkien’s choice of a red satin gown with ruffles on the neckline, sleeves, and skirt is…unfortunate.

Said one judge after the competition, “He didn’t seem to fill it out very well at all.”


Onstage question:

The judges ask Jo her opinion of current events in Honduras. Jo responds with a poised analysis of the legality of the Supreme Court and Congressional decisions in the South American country.

Tolkien steps up and fields a question on the relative importance of marital fidelity among political candidates. He mumbles and speaks too fast, and the judges are clearly at a loss.


Miss Rowling takes home the crown!