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Earl
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Apr 25 2009, 2:02pm
Post #1 of 71
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** TORn 10th Anniversary - Blasts From The Past **
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G'day all. Hope you're having fun at TORn's 10th Anniversary bash.
After last night's very special Fiesta Friday, I hope we've all recovered enough to jump right on into the ongoing party here on the OT board. What say we look back (and perhaps ahead) at some of the fun things our dear TORnsibs have come up with over these past years?
This here post will be followed by FOUR "blasts", so please don't forget to check them out... I assure you you won't be disappointed 
But wait... that ain't all. We also invite you to share your experiences here on TORn - whether you're a First Ager or a Fourth Ager (like me), feel free to chip in, because it doesn't matter if you joined yesterday. After all, everyday on these boards has something special and we'd like to hear about it all.
Here's a little something to get you all pepped up... it's another one of the gems that you can find only here on TORn.
What? Don't look at me. This is a TORn gem that Inferno dug out. All credit for these "blasts" go to her. Thanks Inferno  
And to everyone else, ENJOY the PARTY!! 
Crows and Gibbets! What is the House of Eorl but a thatched barn where brigands drink in the reek and their brats roll around on the floor with the dogs? You are but a lesser son of greater sires!
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Earl
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Apr 25 2009, 2:03pm
Post #2 of 71
(2164 views)
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Addicted to tOR.N
(sung to Addicted to TOR.N, by Robert Palmer)
Your PC’s on; the screen is lit
It’s time to take a hit
Your palms sweat, your fingers shake
You click your mouse while you quake
You can't sleep, you can't eat
There's no doubt, you're in deep
You read all night, you post all day
Fiesta comes, you shout ‘Hooray!’
Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the board, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you’d sell your firstborn, you know you're
Gonna have to face it, you're addicted to tOR.N.
You see a post, and you will read
You must upgrade your connect speed
The pages load, you type replies
You click refresh, and rub your eyes—your bloodshot eyes!
You can't be saved
Another post is all you crave
If there's a ‘psst’ left for you
You’ll read it, and others’ too!
Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the board, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you’d sell your firstborn, you know you're
Gonna have to face it, you're addicted to tOR.N
Might as well face it, you're addicted to tOR.N
Might as well face it, you're addicted to tOR.N
Might as well face it, you're addicted to tOR.N
Might as well face it, you're addicted to tOR.N
Might as well face it, you're addicted to tOR.N
Your PC’s on; the screen is lit
It’s time to take a hit
Your mouse clicks; your fingers type
You bought in to all the hype.
Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the board, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you’d sell your firstborn, you know you're
Gonna have to face it, you're addicted to tOR.N
Might as well face it, you're addicted to tOR.N
Might as well face it, you're addicted to tOR.N
Might as well face it, you're addicted to tOR.N
Might as well face it, you're addicted to tOR.N
Might as well face it, you're addicted to tOR.N
Crows and Gibbets! What is the House of Eorl but a thatched barn where brigands drink in the reek and their brats roll around on the floor with the dogs? You are but a lesser son of greater sires!
(This post was edited by Earl on Apr 25 2009, 2:05pm)
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Earl
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Apr 25 2009, 2:06pm
Post #3 of 71
(2100 views)
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*BOOM BOOM* To Post Or Not To Post
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To post, or not to post
by Magrat
To post, or not to post- that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous Top 10 Lists
Or to take arms against a sea of Balrog Wing discussions,
And by opposing end them. To post- to debate-
No more; and by a debate to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To post- to debate.
To debate- perchance to spur further discussion: ay, there's the rub!
For in that flurry of postings what arguments may come
When we have shuffled off this wordy coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long a post.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of POSEY,
Th' Steward's wrong, the Blue Wizard's contumely,
The pangs of despis'd love, the Annael's delay,
The insolence of AlanPartridge, and the spurns
That patient merit of Gaffer's takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare No Text response? Who would these fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary post,
But that the dread of something after posting-
The undiscover'd country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns- puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to other opinions voiced that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make non-writers of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action.- Soft you now!
The fair Kyriel!- Witty poster, in thy orisons
Be all my puns and parodies rememb'red.
Crows and Gibbets! What is the House of Eorl but a thatched barn where brigands drink in the reek and their brats roll around on the floor with the dogs? You are but a lesser son of greater sires!
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Earl
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Apr 25 2009, 2:10pm
Post #4 of 71
(2069 views)
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*BOOM BOOM BOOM* TORn Cookbook
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A hilarious thread from the old boards that proves we TORnsibs have an appetite for more than just food. Umm, wait a minute, this IS a food-related thread. Oh never mind, the Balrog wings didn't go down well with me
The TORn Cookbook (thread initiated by Daddy Duck).
+++++
Is anyone keeping track of the "food" being discussed here? It would (will) make for a very interesting cookbook.
Balrog Wings
Stewed Rabbit
Something with Mushrooms
Nazgul on a Stick
Chocolate Covered Goblins
Vile Brew
May I suggest:
Toasted Burrahobbit toes
Brandywine
--Daddy Duck
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and of course the infamous "Black Rider" drink
--Annael
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What about fisssh, nice fisssh?
We're leaving out one of the most important LOTR dishes, here. :-) Raw fish, fresh from the pond.
We could call it, "Sassshimi by Gollum."
Anyone want a taste?
-- Elemmírë
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Jellied Dwarves
Roasted Warg’s Nose
Lembas
Chestnuts
Cram
Something Mildly Obscene Involving Arwen, Myself, and Lime Green Jello.
--glaze
+++++
We have:
Egg & Cram;
Egg, Bacon & Cram;
Egg, Bacon, Sausage & Cram;
Cram, Bacon, Sausage & Cram;
Cram, Egg, Cram, Cram, Bacon & Cram; Cram, Sausage, Cram, Cram, Cram, Bacon, Cram, Tomato & Cram;
Cram, Cram, Cram, Egg & Cram;
Cram, Cram, Cram, Cram, Cram, Cram, Baked Beans, Cram, Cram & Cram;
Sorry, I've been wanting to do that for a while now, and you gave me opportunity.
Now all we need is someone in a squeaky voice to shout 'I don't like Cram!'
--Inferno
*squeaky voice* I don't like Cram! --Pteppic
*as vaguely Rohirrim-themed Viking-type person* Cram, Cram, Cram, wonderful Cram! --Nienor
+++++
Crows and Gibbets! What is the House of Eorl but a thatched barn where brigands drink in the reek and their brats roll around on the floor with the dogs? You are but a lesser son of greater sires!
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Earl
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Apr 25 2009, 2:11pm
Post #5 of 71
(2080 views)
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*BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM* TORn, 500 Years Later
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What If…
by Rhudainor
What if some IT-archaeologist 500 yrs from now (years, not yards) found the by then long forgotten full message thread of TORN, like some huge virtual scroll that just goes on and on, indefinitely supplying future scholars with overwhelming insights into the past?
I imagine the conclusion of their research going something like this:
"Apparently, around the turn of the millennium, there was a blooming of a religious society that worshipped some entity called "TOLKIEN" - a rather liberal godhead it seems, since quite a degree of disrespect was tolerated among the worshippers, judged by the account of the mutual acceptance the cult members in between in their exchanges of expressions of opinions, showed in the versatility of the correspondence. (academic language incomprehensible even to the scholar himself).
An informal religion with no apparent high priest - the clerical authorities seem limited to a certain variable number of unofficial caretakers, such as the offices of "Greeter" (held consecutively for approximately 80 years by the same male), "Evil Overlord", "Mad Scientist", and a totemistic trickster-figure of "Badger", along with archetypical cultural heroes such as "The Fair Knight" and "The Good Overlord" (the latter showing an outstanding wit and brilliance), probably representing the light half of the shamanistic year.
There seems to have been a widely uniform practice of belief, involving reading of certain canonical books, none of which have survived to these days to shed further light over matters, alas.
And only one great Schism seems ever to have taken place among the followers of "TOLKIEN", namely between an orthodox majority who believed that a certain apocalyptic creature had no wings (supported by a surviving fragment which confirms this conception), and a heterodox minority who clung to the self-created theory of wings.
The latter minority consisted mainly of influential artists and pencillers who somehow seemed compelled to draw the figure with wings, confirming the now acclaimed fact that artists were illiterate at the time, as indeed they are to this day.
This is just a temporary academic survey. Further research is welcome and much needed."
Crows and Gibbets! What is the House of Eorl but a thatched barn where brigands drink in the reek and their brats roll around on the floor with the dogs? You are but a lesser son of greater sires!
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silneldor
Half-elven
Apr 25 2009, 2:20pm
Post #6 of 71
(2048 views)
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What a gas Earl. I love it.
But, this does not apply to me. Nope.
No, i can just walk away any time i choose to.
Yep......
No problem...
Easy thing, like rolling of a water-borne barrel.
* hides hithlain leash around neck secured with Istari spell*
''What connects Nature to the spiritual, or requires the presence of the latter? In positive terms, as Alkis Kontos points out, when nature was still largely experienced as integral, alive and active, 'It was the spiritual dimension of the world, its enchanted, magical quality that rendered it infinite, not amenable to complete calculability; spirit could not be quanified; it permitted and invited mythologization.' And I would add, it still is and does.''
Patrick Curry-Defending Middle-Earth-Tolkien: Myth and Modernity - chapter: 'The Sea: Spirituality and Ethics.'
May the grace of Manwë let us soar with eagle's wings!
In the air, among the clouds in the sky
Here is where the birds of Manwe fly
Looking at the land, and the water that flows
The true beauty of earth shows
With the stars of Varda lighting my way
In all the realms this is where I stay
In the realm of Manwë Súlimo
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Aunt Dora Baggins
Immortal
Apr 25 2009, 2:39pm
Post #7 of 71
(2106 views)
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Strawberry bubble bath will never be the same.
[In reply to]
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The Very Secret Diaries by Cassandra Claire
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN
Day One:
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.
Day Four:
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.
Day Six:
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.
Day Ten:
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog.
Not King today either.
Day Eleven:
Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was King?
Day 28:
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.
Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.
Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.
Day 32:
Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.
Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.
I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not King.
Day 33:
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.
Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
Not so sure about Gimli either.
RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.
Day 34:
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?
My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.
THE SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR OF GONDOR
Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there for a bit.
Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's enormous...rudeness.
Ooops.
Day Three
Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.
Day Four
Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. Arrogant b*****. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his...
Stupid Ring.
Day Four:
Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.
Ha Ha! Ha!
Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Six:
Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." "Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."
Blatant favoritism most annoying.
Day Ten:
Why isn't Aragorn into me ?
Day Eleven:
Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.
Kind of liked it, actually.
Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too...
In other news, Gandalf died.
Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness.
Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.
Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other.
Stupid Aragorn.
Day 33 :
Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)
Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!
Day 35:
Killed by orcs.
Stupid orcs.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE
Day One:
Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.
Did I say that out loud?
Day Three:
Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee.
Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.
Day Four:
Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.
Day Five:
Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.
Gandalf no fun at all.
*sulk*
Day Six:
Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his fingers are all wrinkled.
Decided not to tell him about all the baths.
Day Seven:
Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!
Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.
Day Eight:
Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me. Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small men in shorts.
Day Nine:
Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Ten:
V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark.
Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit from Shire not versed in wordly ways.
Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.
Ick.
Day Fifteen:
Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts.
Hate Pippin.
Day Twenty-Two:
Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.
Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.
Day Twenty-Three:
Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that's a big fib don't we.
Day Twenty-Four:
Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.
Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm.
We will see about that.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PEREGRINE TOOK
DAY ONE
Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Had a nice little roll around with Frodo in corn before was forcibly removed by Sam. Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get overly familiar and grabby.
Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed that he broke his carrot. After he found one that was just the right shape, too.
DAY TWO
V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with Sam though. Constantly sopping wet and reeking of strawberries. Also tired of elves mistaking me for unusually lifelike lawn ornament.
DAY THREE
Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone v. nice except Legolas seems a bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse until I admitted he was the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel like pointing out he was only elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep.
DAY SEVEN
Has been twenty-five days since met Aragorn and he has not yet washed his hair. Is really starting to bother me.
DAY NINE
Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to go for a walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of Gondor. Can't wait.
Later that night
Always thought blowing the Horn of Gondor was supposed to summon armies of the West?
Apparently not.
V. educational, all the same.
DAY ELEVEN
V. dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of a relief as means Boromir cannot corner me and complain how Aragorn is insensitive, stuck up git with hobbit fixation. Pot calling kettle black if you ask me. Aragorn obviously way into Frodo, however. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
DAY THIRTEEN
Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragorn's boots, thus explaining why Aragorn keeps collapsing into his arms. Tricky elf.
Aragorn still hasn't washed his hair.
DAY FOURTEEN
Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In attempt to cheer up Fellowship, Legolas took off all his clothes and performed scenes from Silmarillion: The Musical. Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced off to have 3,000-year-old elf prince sulk.
DAY FIFTEEN
Lothlorien v. pretty. Accidentally walked in on Gimli taking a bath. Now understand what Gandalf meant about there being scarier things than Orcs. And was that Aragorn hiding under all the bubbles? May have nightmares for weeks.
DAY SIXTEEN
Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah.
Maybe it really was him under all the bubbles.
DAY TWENTY
Boromir wrote me a poem. Merry says I am leading him on. Of course, Merry also says I cry like a girl. Merry a total b***** most of the time, actually.
Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel slighted.
DAY THIRTY
Told Boromir I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got himself shot by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so oversensitive sometimes.
Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not very friendly types. Merry says we may have to shag our way out of captivity. Suspect Merry looking forward to it, useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly. Suddenly miss Boromir.
***
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI SON OF GLOIN
DAY ONE
Grr. Argh.
DAY TWO
Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion. Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without being subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky and conditioned.
DAY THREE
Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this morning. What WERE they doing with that carrot? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder they can't even grow decent beards.
DAY SEVEN
Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier. Completely ignoring hottie elf fiancËe in favor of barging about with hairy-footed gnomes in leather breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to take care of her loneliness.
Later.
Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!
DAY NINE
Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of Gloin will not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and poncy elves than hang about Rivendell taking about 'our relationship.'
DAY THIRTEEN
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair braided just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and stuffed him in his trousers. That's right, Isildur's Heir. Suffocate the Ringbearer. Honestly, these people.
DAY FOURTEEN
In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that cousin Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should have occurred to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything.
DAY FIFTEEN
Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor into my solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor. Does not bear thinking about if not.
DAY SIXTEEN
Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is less of a lech. Legolas then asked if I wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning to suspect that all that Elvish poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up for illicit spanking games.
DAY TWENTY
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. Nothing fancy, just a bit of Hide the Helmet and Delving In The Mines. V. satisfactory for everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with elves.
DAY TWENTY-TWO
Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting v. lonely. Hobbits looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight. Hurrah for warrior-bonds between men.
***
V. Secret Diary of Ringwraith No. 5
Day 1
Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty ring!
Day 1,000,967
Got box of chocolates as Christmas bonus from Dark Lord, again. As per usual, Sauron ate all the toffees and left the strawberry creams. How I detest this life of vile servitude.
Still disembodied.
Day 1,001,056
V. bored in Barad-Dur. Nothing to do but play Scrabble with Orcs. Is v. annoying as Orcs only know Black Speech of Mordor. You try spelling Azg Nazg Gimbatul for a triple word score. Yeah, I didn't think so.
Day 1,001,102
Suspect Sauron gearing up for something. Walked in on him applying ceremonial sparkly mascara. Suspect he will be v. happy when he has body back and can really dress up again.
Day 1,001,105
Yes, Sauron definitely gearing up for something. Have been given orders to sally forth and hunt down hobbit and close personal hobbit friend, who have somehow gotten hold of Ruling Ring.
Witch-King of Angmar's suggestion to place pictures of Ruling Ring on milk cartons and wait for calls to come in was ignored.
Day 1,001,106
Have been given brand spanking new horse.
Not for spanking, of course.
Go me!
On minus side, still disembodied.
Day 1,001,107
V. close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack of giggles while observing excessive cuddliness of Ringbearer and his three "companions."
Suspect Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes and pouty lower lip, rather than possession of heroic-type fortitude.
Will catch up with pretty-boy Hobbit and harem of pint-sized boyfriends in Bree. V. much looking forward to post-slaughter booze-up.
Day 1,001,109
Drat that Aragorn. Drat Isildur and all his Heirs. Generations of pervy Hobbit-fanciers, of no use to anyone. Son of Arathorn has Hobbit-napped the Ringbearer. To combat disappointment at failure to achieve goals set by Sauron, spent all night boozing it up in Bree. Breelanders v. informative.
Drinks: 10 Mai Tais (then impaled innkeeper on swizzle stick)
Killed: 17 human men. Go us!
Day 1,001,115
Have been following Isildur's heir and pack of Hobbits for six days.
Aragorn obviously into Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day 1,001,116
Got slightly over-frisky with Ringbearer at Weathertop. Aragorn went all wonky and possessive and set me on fire. And indeed, Sam did try to kill me although did not notice had been hit in knees with frying pan until later on.
Day 1,001,119
Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildur's Heir today. Was so busy laughing at concept of Aragorn the Hobbit Fancier having "girlfriend" that inconveniently got washed away in stream.
Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor for oiling.
No, not that kind of oiling.
Rather a pervy wraith-fancier, aren't you, what?
The Very Secret Diary of Arwen Undomiel
Day One
Broke up with Aragorn today. He would insist on giving me a clay pipe and a pair of breeches for Valentine's Day when I specifically requested a nightie. Have sent him away from Rivendell.
Day Two
Bored and lonely. Regret having sent Aragorn away. So what if he wanted me to dress up in a curly wig and hop around on my knees during intimate moments? Am sure other humans have equally odd hangups. Wish I could be interested in Elf men, but ever since debacle with Glorfindel back in Second Age when he accused me of copying his hairstyle, have given up on my own kind.
Day Three
Someone's been trying on my dresses again. They are all stretched out of shape, especially the purple one.
Day Six
Legolas got all shirty when I accused him of trying on my dresses. He says I have impugned his masculinity. What masculinity?
Day Eleven
Legolas still sulking. Says other elves making fun of him now since whole dress-trying-on-incident. Says they no longer take him seriously as a man. He must have missed it when Daddy called him "the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike" at last Council meeting. Or maybe he just didn't understand it; he's awfully pretty, but not so bright.
Day Thirteen
Too, too, too bored. Perhaps will leave Rivendell in search of adventure, or shopping.
Day Fifteen
Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!
Day Seventeen
Went to Bree. Asked Barliman if had seen Aragorn lately. Barliman said, "What, that pervy hobbit-fancier?" Told him he must be thinking of other Aragorn son of Arathorn. He said, "The 'Still Not King guy, right?' Did not respond; some people don't deserve my conversation.
Day Eighteen
Have been following Aragorn for two days now. Have never really seen hobbits close up before. Suddenly business with curly wig and prosthetic feet starting to make sense. V. annoyed. Slow burn.
Day Twenty
Doesn't he ever wash his hair when I'm not around?
Day Twenty-Four
Is official. Aragorn a complete pervy hobbit-fancier. Is obviously into little blue-eyed hobbit Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Twenty-Five
Cornered Sam while he was out looking for herbs. Explained to him exactly how was possible to kill human men instantly and silently using just a fork and a rubber band. Turned him around, gave him little push in Aragorn's direction... alas no dice. "But we need him to protect Frooodo, scary elf lady!"
Whingy little hobbit, I've no patience at all.
Day Twenty-Six
Finally decided to take care of Aragorn myself; was about to slit his cheating throat when was distracted by howling moans of Ringbearer. Decided to annoy Aragorn by hobbit-napping bite-sized hero and taking him for extended pony ride.
Little hobbit really rather adorable, blast him.
Cannot believe am getting all swoony over hobbit. Repeat to self: "Aloof, unavailable elf princess. Aloof, unavailable elf princess." Especially cannot believe am getting all swoony over greenish-looking, half-dead hobbit.
Day Twenty-Seven
Chased by Ringwraiths. So tedious. Off to Rivendell.
Day Twenty-Nine
Well, really. Cannot even get near Ringbearer, as Sam is always there, plus caught Aragorn sneaking around in shrubbery by hobbits' quarters. Claimed he was looking for shard of Narsil he had misplaced.
Day Thirty
Hobbits such a bother. Kitchen staff fussing ‚ all out of carrots. Bathroom staff fussing ‚ all out of strawberry scented bath bubbles. Legolas fussing ‚ will not let me go to Council meeting as then he will not be prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Daddy. Asked me yesterday in haggard manner whether I thought purple suited his complexion. Told him of course not, he is so obviously an autumn.
Day Thirty-Two
Spent all day hanging about on bridge looking pretty before Aragorn happened along. Accused him point-blank of hobbit-fancying. He told me that Isildur had been a pervy hobbit-fancier, and he was just trying to build his career in a similar fashion. Told him: "You are Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself." To which he replied, "If only you were a bit shorter, and had bigger feet."
Day Forty
Spent quite the night with Gimli. Those braids! That axe! I am smitten. No more hobbits for me, it is dwarves all the way now. Well, perhaps might just pop by one last time to watch Sam give Frodo his bath. After all, I didn't filch that bathroom key out of Aragorn's pocket for nothing.
***
THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS SON OF WEENUS
Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission - gold ring so tacky.
Day Four:
Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down.
Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!
Day Six:
Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle.
Orcs so silly.
Still the prettiest.
Day Ten:
Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more.
Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.
Day Eleven:
In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.
Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.
I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?
Still prettiest by far.
Day 30:
All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.
Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Still the prettiest.
Day 33 :
Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.
Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.
Day 35:
Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on.
Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really.
Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS:
Day One:
Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful. Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do with Elf medicine.
Day Three
Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.
Day Four
Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.
Day Six:
Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.
He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.
Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Ten:
Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.
Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.
It must truly be an object of awesome power.
Day Eleven:
Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat not just for show.
Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.
Day 24 :
Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately.
Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.
Day 27 :
Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.
Day 30 :
Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other parts.
Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?
Right?
Day 33 :
Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite huge.
Day 36 :
Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.
Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at.
Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway.
(Thanks to Siria for the pic.)
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY
Day One:
In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?
Day Two:
Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed. Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.
Day Three:
Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.
Day Twelve:
Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably stealing paper out of my inbox again.
Day Thirteen :
Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.
Day Fourteen :
Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!
Day Sixteen :
Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before.
Day Nineteen :
Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.
Day Twenty :
Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.
Day Twenty-One:
Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're not serious." Useless git.
Day Twenty-Three :
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.
Day Twenty-Five :
Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.
Day Twenty-Six:
In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.
Day Twenty-Seven:
Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SARUMAN THE WHITE
DAY ONE
Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru.
Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.
DAY TWO
Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks like.
DAY THREE
Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except of one v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or perhaps hairy. Have heard some v. bad stories about palantir relationships. Should probably cool it for a while.
DAY SEVEN
Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor. Just my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or hairy, just disembodied force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to scourge the earth. Also, have manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping nails pointy.
DAY NINE
Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me.
DAY THIRTEEN
Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf. Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt more effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast.
DAY FOURTEEN
All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.
DAY FIFTEEN
Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will save me daily stair climb.
DAY SIXTEEN
Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping trip with four hobbits, a v. buff elf, and rather fanciable human -- oh bother, that's Aragorn son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for whinging about not being King yet. Then there's a shady-looking character and some kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it's a dwarf.
What a bunch of yobbos.
DAY TWENTY
Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V. tedious experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner and flowers. Next time will try something easier, such as breeding goblins and cheerleaders to create super-perky army that can travel by day and will not complain about pink uniforms.
DAY TWENTY-TWO
Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be so darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have decided to be Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. White just shows all the slime.
DAY TWENTY-FOUR
If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat trick?
DAY TWENTY-FIVE
Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer v. impressed. Aragorn obviously fancies trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
DAY TWENTY-FIVE
Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet with one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I only one who has long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward that "Gondor" sounds just like "gonad" and they should find less silly name? Perhaps it is just me.
DAY TWENTY-EIGHT
Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir convinced smallest hobbit to "Blow the Horn of Gondor." Have not laughed so hard since set Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck Balrog with restaurant bill. Palantir great. Better than cable.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK
DAY ONE
Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not actually all that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us young hobbit boys wet and lathered up. Became even more suspicious when "washing dishes" punishment followed by "polishing Gandalf's staff" punishment and "massaging Gandalf's feet" punishment and "nude leapfrog in the cabbage patch" punishment, I mean, who's he trying to kid, really? Especially with the foot thing.
DAY TWO
V. promising start to day when discovered carrot that was just right shape. Even more promising when Pippin nabbed six cabbages, two bags potatoes, and three ears corn, although cannot help but think Pippin being slightly over-optimistic. I mean, could probably manage two ears corn, but not before breakfast.
All went downhill though when bumped into Frodo and faithful bit of rough trade, whoops, loyal manservant Sam, in cornfield. Pippin was prevented from extended cuddle with Frodo by Sam, who in v. surprising butch moment tossed Pippin down a cliff. In ensuing scuffle carrot was broken. Am v. sad.
DAY THREE
Cutting across country with Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Are being pursued by overdressed and v. crabby set of riders in outdated black ensembles. As told Gandalf "The Gray" earlier, monochromatic look is so out. Wonder if Frodo avoiding bad breakup or jealous exes? Have heard hobbit-swapping all the rage up in Hobbiton currently, although would not go in for that sort of thing myself.
DAY FIVE
Everything going from bad to worse. Stop-off in Bree resulted in pick-up of disaffected and unshaven human who is obviously pervy hobbit-fancier, not that anyone listens to me. Insisted we all share bed in his room instead of going back to own perfectly nice quarters, then hung about all night most likely hoping for mad hobbit foursome under the sheets. Didn't happen, but did have to spend all night hanging on to Pippin's belt to prevent him from climbing right over Sam and onto Frodo. Does Pippin have death wish, or what?
DAY SIX
Was woken up most unpleasantly as was being tickled by hobbit-fancying human. Told him to sod off and he said "That's not what you said last night." After moment of confusion realized he thought I was Pippin. Explained. Human slunk away, most embarrassed, after explaining, "I'm really meant to be King, you know." Sure he is, and I'm the Elf Queen of Mirkwood.
DAY SEVEN
In Rivendell. Have been stuck sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing noises all night long and strawberry soap suds making floors all slippery. Woke up last night only to discover Elrond had crawled into bed with me. Extricated himself with much embarrassment after realizing hobbit he was groping under bedsheets was not Pippin. Have decided to invest in name tag.
DAY NINE
Have fixed carrot with special elf glue. Go me!
DAY ELEVEN
Have agreed to go on Quest to keep eye on Pippin. Also curious to see what will happen with Frodo, as Aragorn most obviously fancies him. Sam will of course kill him if he tries anything.
Hope he tries something.
DAY FIFTEEN
Boromir teaching us how to swordfight. Typical human, most unsubtle, always dropping sword down trousers and asking us "little ones" to come and get it. Boromir had a go at ruffling Frodo's hair today and Aragorn almost snicked off his head. Humans so amusing. Caught Pippin eyeing the elf doing his morning exercises today but managed to distract him with an eggplant. Do not know what will do when run out of vegetables.
DAY SIXTEEN
Boromir asked me to go for walk with him. Am not falling for old 'Horn of Gondor' trick. Am not. Am not. Oh, hell. Just this once.
DAY NINETEEN
Am in bad mood. Boromir called me "Pippin" at most inopportune time. Pointed out to him that I am Merry and that we have been conducting meaningful relationship for three weeks, but he just laughed and patted my head. Realize he actually cannot tell me apart from Pippin either. Am doomed to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit forever, even in matters of romance. Am considering dramatic haircut, perhaps mohawk of some sort.
DAY TWENTY
Got mohawk but no one can see it as is v. dark in Mines of Moria. Is difficult to keep eye on Pippin properly. Woke up to discover Legolas sneaking under covers with me. Told him was not Pippin. Legolas said, "Not much difference really, eh?" In ensuing scuffle broke my carrot again. Gave to Gandalf to fix. Gandalf said, "Fool of a Took! I have better things to do than mend your vegetables." Did not correct Gandalf, as am afraid of pointy hat.
DAY TWENTY-TWO
Gandalf fell into shadow. Took carrot with him. Am most miffed. Did best to comfort Pippin, but Pippin far more cheered by Legolas' nude rendition of Silmarillion: The Musical. Could not watch myself ‚ far too many high kicks.
DAY TWENTY-EIGHT
In Lothlorien. Was visited by no less than fifty elves and a woodchuck last night, all convinced was Pippin. Pippin of course nowhere to be found, probably off with Boromir. Something must be done. Woodchuck awfully persistent. PerhapsÖ.no, certainly not.
DAY THIRTY
Kidnapped by orcs. All according to plan. Have told Pippin will have to shag our way out of captivity. Pippin seeming pleased. Wait till he realizes I meant he will have to shag me to get out of captivity. In addition, orcs have given me brand new carrot as reward for my having painted large yellow target marks on Boromir while he was not looking. All in all a v. good day.
***
The Secret Diary of Gollum
Day One
Popped over to attend Pervy Hobbit Fanciers Anonymous Meeting in Misty Mountains only to discover was booby trap set by Sauron.
Stupid Sauron.
Day Five
Held captive by orcs in Barad-Dur. Have been forced to watch "Flipper" over and over until give in and tell them where Ring is. Damn evil methods of torture refined over millennia. Will not give in. Will remain strong.
Day Six
Orcs have switched to repeat viewings of "The Faculty." Cannot cope. Have told them where Ring is.
Day Eight
Escaped from Mordor. Have made way to Shire. Am v. disappointed that in last few weeks no one has responded to personal ad placed in Shire Weekly. "Toothless, fetid greenish creature ISO blue-eyed curly-headed hobbit. Must enjoy squatting in darkness, jewelry-fondling, and referring to self in third person. No smokers."
Day Ten
Finally caught up with Ringbearer in Rivendell, but cannot get near him as is constantly being half-drowned in bathtub by burly companion type, and have developed fear of water since being forced to watch dolphin movie 300 times.
Ugh. Strawberries. Hate strawberries.
Day Eleven
Attempt to infiltrate Council of Elrond in lawn ornament disguise unsuccessful. Was stashed in storage closet by annoying Glorfindel, where was trapped for hours while Elrond tried on all Arwen's dresses in front of mirror, while muttering something about Legolas not being the prettiest after all. Miss days of yore, when men were men and dwarves were dwarves, and elves wore trousers. Although something to be said for Legolas' boots-and-skirt ensemble.
Day Thirteen
Left Rivendell, following Fellowship. Sent Elrond anonymous letter telling him purple does not suit his complexion. Expect to hear screams of rage all the way to Gap of Rohan.
Day Fifteen
Cannot believe men still using hoary old 'Blow the Horn of Gondor' pickup line. Remember when original plans to have Xylophone of Gondor scrapped by Steward in favor of silly-looking horn. Now know why.
Too bad for Isildur's Heir, who has no Horn of Gondor (and hobbits have expressed no interest in his stubble collection) since he obviously fancies Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Thirty
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Everyone wants to carry Frodo up mountain. Nobody wants to carry me up mountain.
Stowed away in Legolas' backpack but excessive nancing was not good for stomach. Have been sick all over elf collection of hair care products. Hope he does not notice.
Day Thirty One
V. Dark in Mines of Moria. Bad for ogling. Have been following sounds of Legolas complaining loudly about state of his backpack and dank air of Moria being bad for his skin. Gandalf stuck gum in his hair while he wasn't looking. Rather like Gandalf. Always has gum.
Day Thirty Three
Met up with Balrog in nattily decorated subterranean bachelor pad. Balrog v. mopey. Still carrying torch for Gandalf. Told him best course of action was to try to talk it out, explain to Gandalf that while they are two extremely different people, with value systems and lifestyles that are in complete opposition to each other's, romance not ruled out. Balrog said this sounded like meaningless New Age claptrap. Told Balrog to get out of Second Age, start living in the now.
Day Thirty Four
Balrog-Gandalf conversation did not go as well as hoped, resulting in gory death of both. Perhaps was not cut out to be matchmaker after all.
Lurked and observed big hobbit cuddlefest on rocks. Nobody ever wants to cuddle me, just because am misshapen and covered in slime, so unfair. Gimli no big looker either but gets mad schnoogles from Boromir anyway.
Day Thirty Six
In Lothlorien. Attempt to lure Indistinguishable Backup Hobbits away from Ringbearer by placing carrots around was foiled when Legolas found carrots and used them to make facial mask. Aragorn told him was embarrassed to be seen with him while face covered in carrot mulch. Legolas complained he is not getting any younger. Aragorn pointed out he wasn't exactly getting any older, either.
Day Thirty Nine
Nobody hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to stalk Ringbearer in Mordor. Perhaps after bite off his finger and steal Ring, he might not mind having dinner with me. Will just have to figure out how to get around Sam first.
***
The Very Secret Diary of Elrond
Day 1:
Bad breakup with Isildur. As if the pervy hobbit-fancying wasn't bad enough, he would insist on wearing tacky gold jewelry against my advice. Confirms my suspicions that humans not just weakest race of Middle-Earth, but also cannot accessorize worth a damn.
NB: Big battle, we won, Sauron defeated. Plundered Barad-dur but notable lack of pretty things to take home. Sauron's decorating tastes definitely running towards black, knobbly, tattered look. So not me.
Day 3:
Isildur set upon by orcs and killed. Told him his poor dress sense would attract all the wrong sorts.
Day 2,0045:
So bored in Rivendell. Have decided to hold council meeting and name it after myself. Will invite all eligible males of Middle-Earth who have nothing better to do on a weekend to come. Go me!
Hope Legolas does not attend; still remember party in Second Age where he disappeared mysteriously, along with two gallons of my favorite strawberry bath suds, a bottle of olive oil, and three of those tiny hobbit creatures from the Shire Isildur was so strangely fond of.
Day 200048:
Drat. Legolas first one to RSVP to my party invitation. Wish he would not use scented pink stationary as makes me sneeze. Did however offer to bring game of Twister to play. Along with disco ball I borrowed from Sauron back in First Age, should make for quite the party.
Day 200050:
Unexpected surprise as Gandalf stopped by, apparently just to have a whinge about big fight he had with Saruman. Tuned him out -- do I look like an Agony Aunt? Why does everyone come to me with problems?
Day 200051:
Gandalf does not like Twister idea and has rejected my suggestion of a polka music theme for the Council. Instead insists we sit around and talk about boring old fate of Middle Earth, defeat of ultimate evil, blah blah blah. Don't see why we all have to suffer just because Isildur couldn't give up his jewelry habit.
Day 200059:
Gandalf made me return disco ball to Sauron. Told me to sort out my priorities. He should talk -- he's the one who attracted a crowd this afternoon with that pointy hat trick he likes to do. Glorfindel so horrified by pointy hat trick he would not stop sobbing spasmodically until was calmed by liberal application of hobbit weed. New generation of elves such wimps.
Day 200061:
Everyone finally arrived for party -- oh wait, I mean boring-ass Secret Council Meeting. Ponced off myself to have a sulk, and bumped into smallest hobbit hanging about the greensward. Took him for inanimate lawn ornament at first, but soon was furnished with proof that he was very much alive. Says his name is Pippin. Perhaps Isildur was onto something with all those hobbits after all.
Day 200068:
All right, who's been using all my strawberry bath bubbles?
Certainly wasn't Aragorn, judging by the state of *his* hair.
Day 200071:
Loud giggly splashy noises emanating from first floor bathroom. No one can get in. Legolas practicing his nancing in the meeting hall, Boromir hanging about the shards of Narsil, obviously hoping Aragorn will show up, and Gandalf still breaking in new pointy hat. Tried to have a quiet think in the garden only to discover someone had dug up all the carrots. Is there no peace to be had?
Day 200072:
Refused to let Arwen attend Council of Elrond, as if she does, she will certainly notice I have borrowed her tiara.
Tiara looks better on me anyway.
Day 200075:
Council very boring. Got to say "DOOM" a few times in v. dramatic voice but am afraid Ringbearer was not impressed as was busy fending off advances of Aragorn, who was making all sorts of suggestive sword comments. He better watch it. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Tried to cheer self up by trying on favorite purple dress of Arwen's, but am fairly sure someone was watching as could hear tittering noise coming from broom closet. Do not see what is so funny -- purple dress looks fabulous on me.
Day 200076:
Fellowship leaving tomorrow. Decided to give Pippin goodbye tour of Rivendell. In process, purple dress got all stretched out of shape. Hope Arwen does not notice -- she gets so grabby about her things, and since they've closed the Gap of Rohan, probably no way to get another dress like it.
Pippin told me purple is so my color. Go me!
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"For DORA BAGGINS in memory of a LONG correspondence, with love from Bilbo; on a large wastebasket. Dora was Drogo's sister, and the eldest surviving female relative of Bilbo and Frodo; she was ninety-nine, and had written reams of good advice for more than half a century."
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"A Chance Meeting at Rivendell" and other stories
leleni at hotmail dot com
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(This post was edited by Ataahua on Apr 25 2009, 8:27pm)
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Aunt Dora Baggins
Immortal
Apr 25 2009, 2:42pm
Post #8 of 71
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of Altaira's song about the march of the ents. All I can remember are fragments, but maybe she'll stop by and repost it.
The Ents go marching one by one hurrah, hurrah
. . .
And they all go marching
Down
To renown
In the War of the Ring
Hoom, hoom, hoom
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"For DORA BAGGINS in memory of a LONG correspondence, with love from Bilbo; on a large wastebasket. Dora was Drogo's sister, and the eldest surviving female relative of Bilbo and Frodo; she was ninety-nine, and had written reams of good advice for more than half a century."
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"A Chance Meeting at Rivendell" and other stories
leleni at hotmail dot com
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Earl
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Apr 25 2009, 3:08pm
Post #9 of 71
(2037 views)
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Oh Aunt Dora... this is a treasure :)
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I absolutely LOVED it. I'm gonna have to read it at least twice more before I can say with honesty I enjoyed "every bit" of it 
Thanks so much for this. What fun! 
Crows and Gibbets! What is the House of Eorl but a thatched barn where brigands drink in the reek and their brats roll around on the floor with the dogs? You are but a lesser son of greater sires!
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Earl
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Apr 25 2009, 3:12pm
Post #10 of 71
(2037 views)
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... perhaps Altaira will find time to repost that one :)
P.S.: When I reached my fourth post, I realized I'd hit Vengaboys territory 
Crows and Gibbets! What is the House of Eorl but a thatched barn where brigands drink in the reek and their brats roll around on the floor with the dogs? You are but a lesser son of greater sires!
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Earl
Forum Admin
/ Moderator
Apr 25 2009, 3:14pm
Post #11 of 71
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... I hope you know none of these are by me. They're all by the TORnsibs whose names are in the individual posts (Inferno dug them out of her treasure chest)
Crows and Gibbets! What is the House of Eorl but a thatched barn where brigands drink in the reek and their brats roll around on the floor with the dogs? You are but a lesser son of greater sires!
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Jazmine
Tol Eressea
Apr 25 2009, 4:50pm
Post #12 of 71
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Thanks Earl, these are great!!
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Annael
Immortal
Apr 25 2009, 5:41pm
Post #13 of 71
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This was one of my favorite "parodies" that appeared on TORn. Darkstone's "We few, we narfy few" is another.
To change how we see things takes falling in love. Then the same becomes altogther different. Like love, a shift of sight can be redemptive. - James Hillman
* * * * * * * * * *
NARF and member of Deplorable Cultus since 1967
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Annael
Immortal
Apr 25 2009, 5:44pm
Post #14 of 71
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I hated the VSDs from the first moment, and time has not abated my loathing one bit. Any time anyone brings up "strawberry bubble bath" I grit my teeth and growl. Or scream. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard for me.
Why break with tradition now?
AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!
To change how we see things takes falling in love. Then the same becomes altogther different. Like love, a shift of sight can be redemptive. - James Hillman
* * * * * * * * * *
NARF and member of Deplorable Cultus since 1967
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Artanis
Rohan
Apr 25 2009, 6:21pm
Post #15 of 71
(2015 views)
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ROFL I love it!
Artanis
Reading: Trying to think of something.
Listening: Complete Fellowship of the Ring Soundtrack and the BBC Dramatization LOTR
Random Delights: Tea, Facebook, Chocolate, and TORN
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Inferno
Superuser
/ Moderator
Apr 25 2009, 6:28pm
Post #16 of 71
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But you did leave off credit for who penned that first BOOM there.
Inferno.
======================
Good night, tOR.Nados. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely delete you in the morning.
======================
Elcenia
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Ainu Laire
Tol Eressea
Apr 25 2009, 6:58pm
Post #17 of 71
(1997 views)
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*indignant sputtering* Illiterate artists, indeed!
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This researcher needs to go and check his facts once more- after all, it is quite obvious that artists are neither illiterate and that the "balrogs have wings" is obviously the majority, not the minority.
My LiveJournal ~ My artwork and photography
NARF since age 8, when I refused to read the Hobbit because the cover looked boring and icky.
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Aunt Dora Baggins
Immortal
Apr 25 2009, 7:19pm
Post #18 of 71
(1996 views)
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Sorry to have offended you :-( //
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"For DORA BAGGINS in memory of a LONG correspondence, with love from Bilbo; on a large wastebasket. Dora was Drogo's sister, and the eldest surviving female relative of Bilbo and Frodo; she was ninety-nine, and had written reams of good advice for more than half a century."
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"A Chance Meeting at Rivendell" and other stories
leleni at hotmail dot com
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Gollum2008
The Shire
Apr 25 2009, 9:54pm
Post #20 of 71
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I might as well face it I'm addicted to Lord of the Rings.
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Greenwood Hobbit
Valinor
Apr 25 2009, 9:55pm
Post #21 of 71
(1980 views)
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Oh, what a treasure trove! *curls up Smaugly*
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I have a few things saved, including this below - unfortunately I didn't save the name of the poster! Anyone step up and admit to it?!
"Black Rider #9, sung by Frodo.
I had to take the Ring to Rivendell,
but one thing made my life a living hell:
I was a fool, 'cause I thought I would be fine
Got chased across the Shire by
Black Rider number nine...
He was supposed to meet us at the inn,
but then our patience started wearing thin.
Gandalf never came but we guessed it was a sign
when Strider came and saved us from
Black Rider number nine...
He led us out of Bree and into the Wild
We trudged through swamps and mud in single file.
We got to Weathertop, I pulled out my sword, Sting;
I held the sword, I closed my eyes, I took the Ring.
I didn't know if it was day or night,
those evil kings did give me quite a fright,
but when I kept the Ring, which I wanted to be mine,
got stabbed right in the shoulder by
Black Rider number nine...
I held my sword, I closed my eyes, I took the Ring.
I didn't know if it was day or night,
those evil kings did give me quite a fright,
but when I kept the ring, which I wanted to be mine,
got stabbed right in the shoulder by
Black Rider number nine...
Black Rider number nine...
Black Rider number nine...
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Greenwood Hobbit
Valinor
Apr 25 2009, 10:02pm
Post #22 of 71
(1992 views)
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And this was saved in December 03...
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...and I think it's by Molly J Ringwraith?
Return of the King, condensed parody version
Well, my friends, the ROTK parody is ready. I have seen the film and it is beyond good. But it also leaves me heartbroken and in sore need of something to giggle at. So here we go...
THE RETURN OF THE KING, CONDENSED.
By Molly Winter (a.k.a. Molly J. Ringwraith, Molly J. Ringle, LemonLye...)
All I hope is that this someday makes the front page of TORN... :)
A RIVER, CENTURIES AGO
SMEAGOL and DEAGOL find the Ring and start fighting over it.
DEAGOL: Mine!
SMEAGOL: Mine!
DEAGOL: Mine!
SMEAGOL: Mine!
DEAGOL: Yours. (dies)
UNOFFICIAL ENTRANCE TO MORDOR
SAM: We can't trust Gollum! He's out to kill us!
FRODO: Really, Sam, you and your imagination. I suppose YOU have a better plan for getting into Mordor?
SAM: As a matter of fact I do. Hanggliding.
FRODO: Excuse me?
SAM: Hanggliding. It's all the rage in the Southfarthing. We make a big kite-like frame out of a lightweight wood, like balsa, if you follow me, and stretch some muslin across it; then we climb to the top of one of these mountains, wait for a warm updraft -
FRODO: I am NOT listening to this.
FRODO grabs GOLLUM's hand and walks away.
EDORAS
LEGOLAS: The sky wears a film of gauze. The night air breathes infamy. Deceit weaves itself around my fingernails.
ARAGORN: What the hell is that? Poetry? I pay you to do two things: shoot stuff, and look pretty. If you have something to tell me, tell me in normal words.
LEGOLAS: Fine. S-A-U-R-O-N is H-E-R-E. Simple enough for you, numbskull?
(MEANWHILE, INSIDE IN EDORAS)
PIPPIN: I'm going to go look at that crystal bowling-ball thingy.
MERRY: Bad idea, Pip.
PIPPIN: No, I think it's a good idea.
MERRY: Really seriously bad idea.
PIPPIN: No, it'll be fine. See? I just pick it up and AAAAHHHHH!!
ENTIRE CITY wakes up.
GANDALF: Fool of a Took! Now I must take you on a horseback ride.
PIPPIN: Okay! Can Merry come?
GANDALF: No.
MERRY: See what you did? Ugh. Why do I always hang out with the stupid ones?
ROHIRRIM CAMP
EOWYN: Here, little fellow. Put this armor on.
MERRY: Thanks much, my lady. Ooh, I don't think you fastened my belt right. Could you put your hands there again? ...Ahh, that's it; right there...
EOMER: Wow, sis, you are getting desperate.
EOWYN: Look at this hobbit: can you honestly tell me he isn't brave and handsome, and doesn't inspire your courage?
EOMER: (snicker) Uh, sure. Sure, he's great. Yeah. (gives MERRY thumbs-up sign) You go, dude.
MINAS TIRITH
GANDALF: Don't say anything, Pippin. Hi, Denethor!
DENETHOR: Hi. My favorite son is dead and my life sucks.
PIPPIN: That's all my fault! I'll fight for you!
GANDALF: Agh. WHAT did I say, Pippin? What did I say?
ROHIRRIM CAMP
ELROND: So, we brought you this sword.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: About freaking time.
ARAGORN: Shiny. Thanks.
ELROND: Oh, and by the way, Arwen's sick. The longer the Ring goes undestroyed, the weaker she gets.
ARAGORN: Come off it. That's such a crock. There's no connection between her and the Ring.
ELROND: Yeah, well, I guess they don't teach you everything in Ranger school. It's just TRUE, okay? Now go pick up a ghost army and save your grimy unshaven people.
ROHIRRIM CAMP, LATER
EOWYN: I love you.
ARAGORN: Me? What? Oh. Um...listen, Ellen...
EOWYN: Eowyn.
ARAGORN: Right, Eowyn. You're a fine-looking woman, and I'm sure somebody will say to you someday, "Erin -"
EOWYN: *Eowyn*.
ARAGORN: "Eowyn...you're the only woman for me. Be my wife."
EOWYN: But it won't be you.
ARAGORN: Exactly! It won't be me. I'm glad we understand each other. Well kiddo, I've got to go. The Paths of the Dead beckon.
EOWYN: Don't do it! You'll never survive!
ARAGORN: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.
MINAS TIRITH
PIPPIN: Any chance I can get out of fighting, Gandalf?
GANDALF: Probably not.
PIPPIN: Are Frodo and Sam going to make it?
GANDALF: Don't think so.
PIPPIN: Isn't there anything you can say to cheer me up?
GANDALF: Maybe you'll get decapitated. That should be quick and painless.
PIPPIN: Oh. Uh, thanks.
PATHS OF THE DEAD
GHOST: Hello! Welcome to the Paths of the Dead. We ask that you keep your hands and arms to yourselves at all times, as the ceiling is low in places, and fighting back will only prolong your ghastly death. Unless of course you are the heir of Isildur, in which case you and your party get a free pass.
ARAGORN: Hey, that's convenient. I AM the heir of Isildur!
GHOST: Got any ID?
ARAGORN: Sure, hang on a sec.
ARAGORN starts digging through his knapsack for his Ranger license.
AUDIENCE: I'm just not the least bit worried for them.
GHOST: (examines license) Okay, you're legit. Ooh, hang on: I'm sorry, but you must be at least as tall as this sign to enter. This kid with the beard can't come.
GIMLI: I'm a dwarf, not a child, you transparent twit.
ARAGORN: Really, he has to come along. He catches all the knee-level dangers for us.
LEGOLAS: Indeed, if we leave him behind, I do not know who I will taunt for the rest of the journey.
GHOST: Fine, fine. Let's go.
MINAS TIRITH
FARAMIR: Anything I can do for you, Dad?
DENETHOR: Yeah. Go die.
FARAMIR: Nice. Real nice.
FARAMIR storms out.
DENETHOR: Sing me a song, short man.
PIPPIN: I really don't feel like it.
DENETHOR: Aw, come on! Sing! Here's the karaoke song book - pick something.
PIPPIN: Well, if you insist... (clears throat) "You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips...and there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips..."
OUTSIDE MINAS TIRITH
FARAMIR leads the charge against the latest forces of Mordor.
FARAMIR: Who's your daddy?? HUH?? Who's your- ow.
FARAMIR, with arrows sticking through him, falls off horse.
PIPPIN (V.O.): "You're trying hard not to show it..."
GANDALF and DENETHOR (V.O.): "Bay-beh..."
PIPPIN (V.O.): "But bay-beh, baby I know it!..."
MINAS TIRITH
PIPPIN breaks down crying.
PIPPIN: I'm sorry. That song always gets to me. I miss Merry...
DENETHOR: What's that noise outside? Is that the sound of my good-for-nothing son getting dragged into the city by horses?
GANDALF: Yes, it appears to be. As I mentioned, Mordor is a serious threat and now most of your soldiers are dead.
DENETHOR: Crap! Run, everybody, run!
GANDALF: Oh, shut up.
GANDALF clocks DENETHOR and takes over.
VICINITY OF CIRITH UNGOL
GOLLUM: Dead hobbitses...(mutter mutter)...won't be long now...(mutter mutter)...will try wearing Ring on toe this time; yes, precious; very beautiful...
SAM: Hey! I heard that!
FRODO: Heard what?
GOLLUM: Nothing, Master! Fat hobbit wants Ring; yes, Master.
SAM: I do not!
FRODO: I think maybe you do. Gollum wouldn't lie to me, after all.
SAM: He's trying to kill us! We're walking straight into a trap. I'm not going one step further.
FRODO: Leave, then. I'm sick of your paranoid delusions anyhow.
SAM: But I...
FRODO: Go on - get out of here. Good riddance.
SAM: But you...
FRODO: Have a nice death.
FRODO stomps off. SAM stays behind, weeping piteously.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: ...the f**k??
CREEPY CAVE
FRODO gets tangled in a gigantic spider-web.
FRODO: Egads! Does this mean a gigantic spider lives here?
GOLLUM: Ha ha! Smeagol tricked you, ssstupid hobbit! Did Master know "gullible" was not in dictionary?
FRODO: Oh, dear. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to send Sam away.
AUDIENCE: Duh!
SHELOB appears and starts pounding down the tunnel. FRODO lights up the star-glass and gives us an all-too-clear look at her.
ARACHNOPHOBES IN AUDIENCE: Oh...dear...God.
FRODO cuts himself loose and runs like hell - but, being FRODO, falls down. GOLLUM jumps on him.
GOLLUM: Jussst kidding about "ssstupid" comment! Nice master! Hold still so spider can eat you, yes yes.
FRODO: I have a different plan, actually.
FRODO flings GOLLUM down an abyss.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE BOOK: You know, it's interesting: even though I've read the book, I have no idea what's going on.
MINAS TIRITH
DENETHOR: So here's my plan: a barbecue. Featuring smoked and roasted stewards of Gondor. Obey me or die, people!
PIPPIN: Ohhh-kay, crazy man alert.
PIPPIN runs off to get help. DENETHOR gets busy pouring flammable stuff all over himself and FARAMIR.
DROOLING FANGIRLS: Oooh! Unconscious Faramir covered in oil! The things I could do with THAT scenario!
VICINITY OF CIRITH UNGOL
SHELOB is hovering above FRODO, who is oblivious.
AUDIENCE: (apparently thinking they're at a horror film) Look up! LOOK UP!! OH MY GOD, LOOK UP!!
FRODO gets caught and bitten, and attractively foams at the mouth. SHELOB wraps him up in spider-silk. ARACHNOPHOBES are whimpering somewhere under their theatre seats. SAM shows up and saves day, stabbing SHELOB with borrowed sword.
SAM: Whew. All right, Mr. Frodo, I know I've teased you about running from spiders before, but I don't blame you for that one. Er, Mr. Frodo? (prod) Frodo?...
FRODO is not looking good. SAM begins weeping and cradling him.
SENTIMENTAL BOOK-READERS: Say "Don't go where I can't follow." Say "Don't go where I can't follow." Say "Don't go where I can't follow."
SAM: Don't go where I can't follow!
SENTIMENTAL BOOK-READERS: Woohoo! All right; I can die happy now.
SAM: Uh-oh; Orcs. Got to cut this short. So long, sir. (skitters and hides)
ORCS start prodding FRODO.
ORC #73: How long has he been dead?
ORC #89: Dead? Any COMPLETE IDIOT could tell he's not dead!
SAM: What??
ORC #42: Then let's take him upstairs and strip him. We should at least get to keep the change in his pockets.
SAM: Are you telling me...I had a chance...to give Mr. Frodo mouth-to-mouth...and I DIDN'T TAKE IT??
SAM flies into a murderous rage, killing about eighty Orcs in the space of half a minute.
OUTSIDE MINAS TIRITH
Black Ships sail up, with ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, and DEAD PEOPLE aboard, and save the day.
AUDIENCE: Oh, come on. Orlando Bloom as the token pretty-boy on a ship full of ghosts - yeah, we saw that over the summer. Next!
TOWER OF CIRITH UNGOL
SAM, lost, stops in a stairwell and sings out:
SAM: "The stars at night...are clear and bright..."
FRODO'S VOICE: (weak) "...deep in the heart of Texas..."
SAM: Woohoo!
SAM charges that direction and kills an Orc mid-whip. FRODO is lying in a swoon on a heap of rags, half-naked.
DROOLING FANGIRLS: Oh, HECK yeah! Come on, sugar, get those hands out of the way.
OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Eww! You're corrupting my immaculate Tolkien experience!
SAM: Darling! You're alive!
FRODO: Sam, dear...if we ever get back to the Shire, remind me to enroll you in a First Aid course. We really must review how to find a pulse.
PELENNOR FIELDS
MOLLY: Quite a lot of intense fighting takes place here. Once again I shall try to sum up the highlights.
WITCH KING: (evil shriek)
THEODEN: Aaaagh!
EOWYN: Roaaaar!
MERRY: Um...roar! Yes! What she said!
WITCH KING delivers smackdown.
MERRY and EOWYN: Ow!
MERRY and EOWYN deliver counter-smackdown.
WITCH KING: Ow.
WITCH KING dies. EOWYN collapses. MERRY wanders off somewhere.
PIPPIN finds him under an Orc.
PIPPIN: Merry! Long time no see!
MERRY: Hello, Pippin. (cough) Would you believe I...got lucky with a hot Rohirrim chickie?
PIPPIN: Er...no. No, Merry, I wouldn't. I'm sorry; I want to humor you when you're this hurt; but no, that's really quite beyond the realm of credibility.
MERRY: Then how do you explain this...(cough)...lipstick on my armor?
PIPPIN: (cry of disbelief) No fair! And all I got was an oily unconscious steward!
MORDOR
FRODO and SAM stumble into view wearing Orc gear. AUDIENCE bursts into giggles.
AUDIENCE: Somehow I don't think this is supposed to be funny, but it is.
FRODO: I'm forlorn. Desolate. Wretched.
SAM: Very eloquent, sir. Here I was just going to say, "This place sucks."
FRODO: I hate wearing shoes. Especially iron shoes. And this mask smells funny.
SAM: Well, that's to be expected.
FRODO swoons, draping himself over a boulder.
FRODO: Let me die. I cannot go on.
SAM: Sure you can. Think of the Shire.
FRODO: It never existed. You're lying.
SAM: Now, what were the rules we set?
FRODO: (humble) No more calling you a liar?
SAM: That's right. Now let's get you up.
(Five minutes later)
FRODO stumbles to his knees and starts beating his head against a rock.
FRODO: This is hopeless! We're doomed. We should have given the bloody thing to the Gondor brothers.
SAM inserts himself between FRODO and rock.
SAM: Sir. Remember our agreement.
FRODO: (humble) No wigging out?
SAM: That's right. Now will you stop wigging out if I move away from the rock?
FRODO: Yes.
(Five minutes later)
FRODO flings himself onto the ground and writhes in agony.
FRODO: I can't bear it. Life is horrid. My heart is shriveled and my soul is dead. The blackness of despair shrouds my eyes. I choke on pain and anguish.
SAM: That's it - no more listening to The Cure for you.
SAM picks FRODO up, slings him over his shoulder, and carries him up the mountain.
MINAS TIRITH
GANDALF: Now I guess it's time to knock on death's door and invite them out to battle. Draw Sauron's eye to us instead of Frodo.
ARAGORN: All in the hopes of giving Sam and Frodo a chance.
LEGOLAS: A diversion.
ARAGORN: Yeah, thanks, Paraphrase Boy.
MOUNT DOOM
GOLLUM: Wait! Lassst chance! You know you want to sssee how pretty Ring looks on my toe, you know you do! Give it to us!
SAM: How about I pound your head with a rock instead?
FRODO: Know what? Change of plans. I'm not throwing it into the volcano.
SAM: Yes you are.
FRODO: No, I have a new idea: I'm going to take over the world. All shall love me and despair.
SAM: But I already love you and despair.
GOLLUM: Smeagol will take over world with you, yes yes! Give it to us!
FRODO: No!
GOLLUM: Yes!
FRODO: NO!
GOLLUM: YES! (chomp)
FRODO: Ow!!
GOLLUM falls triumphantly into fiery chasm from whence Ring came, taking FRODO's finger and the Ring with him. SAM hauls FRODO out of the special Place To Throw Stuff Into Lava room. They find temporary refuge from flowing molten rock on a boulder.
FRODO: Hey, I can remember the Shire again! Small comfort, considering we seem to have about five minutes to live.
SAM: It's a shame. Now I'll never get to marry Rosie Cotton.
FRODO: (startled) YOU want to marry a girl? Really?
SAM: Aye. Why is that so hard to believe?
FRODO: It's just - er - well - you know, I think I must have misinterpreted several things you've said over the past couple decades, Sam. Forgive me.
SAM: No matter. Could you hold me in your arms before we die, sir?
FRODO: See - like that statement, right there. Oh, who cares...
FRODO holds SAM in his arms. They pass out, but GIANT EAGLES rescue them.
WISEACRES IN AUDIENCE: So, how come the eagles didn't just pick them up in Rivendell and carry them straight to Mount Doom in the first place? Why did they have to WALK?
REST OF AUDIENCE: Shhh.
MINAS TIRITH
GANDALF: Hello, Frodo. Thanks for doing all the dirty work. Saved our butts, let me tell you.
FRODO: Gandalf! You're alive! Gimli! You're alive! Legolas! You too! Aragorn! Merry! Pippin! ...Okay, I'm starting to get tired. Are there many more of you?
MINAS TIRITH AGAIN
ARAGORN is getting coronated. Which should be a word, if it isn't. He clears his throat and starts singing in Elvish.
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: Jeez, people sing a lot in this movie.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Hah. That's nothing. You ought to read the book.
LEGOLAS steps out, wearing bridal white and a coy smile. He and ARAGORN gaze into one another's eyes.
LEGOLAS: Are you ready to kiss your bride, my lord?
ARAGORN: Heck yeah. Come here, you.
LEGOLAS steps aside and lets ARWEN in.
ARAGORN: Oh! Arwen! Right. Wow, hi. Heh. Uh - come here, you.
ARAGORN kisses ARWEN. WATCHING ELVES smile as if the sight of a bristly-faced human tonguing a pristine Elf doesn't turn their stomachs.
FARAMIR: The only thing that would make this day better would be meeting an attractive, single noblewoman. Oh, well.
EOWYN: The only thing that would make this day better would be meeting an attractive, single nobleman. Oh, well.
SHIRE
SAM and ROSIE are getting married. FRODO stands by, smiling generously.
FANATICAL FRODO/SAM SHIPPERS: (sobbing) This is the saddest scene in the whole trilogy.
RESPECTABLE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Oh, give it up already.
GREY HAVENS
GANDALF: I will not say, 'Do not weep,' for not all tears are an evil.
AUDIENCE: Good, because that's all we've been doing for the last three hours.
FRODO: Goodbye, Pippin. I'm glad you found your courage. Goodbye, Merry. I'm glad you got to wear horse-themed armor. Sam...
FRODO hugs SAM.
FRODO: I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.
FRODO kisses SAM on the forehead. FANATICAL FRODO/SAM SHIPPERS stop sobbing for a moment and perk up.
FRODO/SAM SHIPPERS: Oh, hey! I totally need to screencap that and turn it into an LJ icon.
SAM, however, is still weeping.
SAM: Can't I come join you, someday?
FRODO: Let's not talk about that. The audience doesn't need comforting with such pitiful little shreds of hope. Goodbye, my friends.
FRODO smiles as he sails away, at peace in the knowledge that he never again has to get up at five a.m. to have the makeup people put hobbit feet on him.
AUDIENCE: (sobbing) I can't believe it's over. What do I have left to live for now?
PETER JACKSON: Well, there's the extended version, due out in
November. Complete with silly outtakes - I promise! And then someday there's the full-extra-special boxed set of 241 DVD's. And eventually there's that musical they're making...
AUDIENCE: November?? (crumples to the ground, weeping) You rip out my heart and tear it to shreds and mash it into the sticky popcorn on the theater floor, and then try to console me with freaking outtakes in freaking November?? I hate you, I hate you...I hate you...(*sniffle*)...Can we come back and see it again tomorrow?
PETER JACKSON: Of course you can, precious.
P.S. TTT parody, from last year, is now on this journal as well: http://www.livejournal.com/...ringwraith/1826.html
vv
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Greenwood Hobbit
Valinor
Apr 25 2009, 10:07pm
Post #23 of 71
(1975 views)
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And lastly, one of my own from 2004
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from a set of parodies called 'The Saurond of Music'.
Frodo’s dubious debut in the Hall of Fire (blame it on the pipeweed…)
I am 50 going on 51, innocent as a Wose
Wizards and Kings and Dark Lords and Rings, what do I know of those?
I am 50 going on 51, innocent and naďve
Breemen I meet may tell me I’m sweet, and willingly I believe
Totally unprepared am I to bear the Ring of Doom
Timid and shy and scared am I, I’m overborne by gloom
I need someone older and wiser telling me what to do…
Gandalf, you’re so trusty (if crusty) I’ll depend on you.
I am 50 going on 51, now I am one of Nine
Two men, a wizard, dwarf, elf and hobbits – what an unlikely line!
I am 50 going on 51, a perilous Quest ahead
Ditching the Ring, returning the King – I think I might end up dead.
Totally sh!tless scared am I of Goblins, Orcs and Trolls
Leered at by Sauron’s Lidless Eye – he seeks his Ring of Gold!
I need someone honest and loyal, helping me see it through
Come on Sam, my friend of friends, I’ll always depend on you.
(Cue music; much capering round, which he will no doubt regret when he’s sober…).
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ringers rock!
Rivendell
Apr 25 2009, 10:46pm
Post #24 of 71
(1975 views)
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The footer wars. A shameless E.I viral marketing campaign to deify the actors of LOTR. Metadata reveals sharp decline in masculine personalities.
They began modestly
They expanded in size, forcing Admins to reinforce posting policy.
They ended with egotistical and absurd fantasies, killing intellectual discussions.
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Annael
Immortal
Apr 25 2009, 11:04pm
Post #25 of 71
(1992 views)
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I'm just maintaining the tradition
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someone reposts them; I complain.
To change how we see things takes falling in love. Then the same becomes altogther different. Like love, a shift of sight can be redemptive. - James Hillman
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NARF and member of Deplorable Cultus since 1967
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I am NOT thanking you!
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