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my thoughts on hurt feelings

Annael
Immortal


Mar 21 2009, 3:33pm


Views: 411
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my thoughts on hurt feelings [In reply to] Can't Post
and I say this as someone who was extremely thin-skinned for a very long time:

1. No one can "make" another person feel "hurt" unless the second person feels there is some truth in what was said. For instance, if someone came up to me and said "you're a typical dumb blonde!" I would either laugh or think they were nuts, because I'm not blonde and I have a lot of confidence in my own intelligence. Those words couldn't hurt me because I don't see any truth in them. If, however, someone were to imply that I'm boring, that would hurt, because it would trigger a real fear that I carry. (note: I'm not asking for reassurance here, just giving an example Wink)

2. A fear like I mention above can make us "tender" in a certain spot, so that even the faintest hint of criticism that seems to imply I am what I fear I am is going to leap right out at me. Worse than that, I may even read it into the words when it was never meant at all! I have seen that happen on these boards too many times to count! There was one famous case where a long-time poster suddenly decided that she was being attacked (when none of us could see any attack in the words she took exception to), and no amount of reassurance or apologies for unintended slights got through, until finally she left in a huff, convinced that everyone here was rude and hateful. She was the extreme, but I've seen similar events happen many times.

So I've learned, when something riles me, to re-read it carefully. It's amazing how many times a careful re-read, especially if I let a little time go by, will make me realize that the offense I took was unwarranted. This is especially important when the topic is a hot one and people feel strongly.

The second thing I've learned is that while my feelings of hurt may be real, that if someone tells me they never meant to hurt me, I SHOULD BELIEVE THEM. There is nothing more frustrating to me in the world than to try to explain to someone what I was thinking and feeling when I said certain words, and have them refuse to believe me! Alas it seems some people would prefer to cling to their hurt feelings than reach understanding with another. (One wonders how their other relationships fare . . .) But if I want to be treated with respect, surely I have to extend respect to others, and what is more respectful than to believe what someone tells me about their own thoughts?

I've finally figured out that my "hurt feelings" are in fact a terrific mirror for finding out where my own tender spots are, so I can heal them. I can't expect others to take care of them for me.
What is the knocking?
What is the knocking at the door in the night?
It is somebody wants to do us harm.
No, no, it is the three strange angels.
Let them come in - DH Lawrence
* * * * * * * * * *
NARF and member of Deplorable Cultus since 1967

Subject User Time
Why I brought up the Bullying subject here orcbane Mar 13 2009, 1:52pm
    I hope this isn't a "goodbye" Finding Frodo Send a private message to Finding Frodo Mar 13 2009, 3:44pm
        Yes, I agree with Finding Frodo Penthe Send a private message to Penthe Mar 28 2009, 8:44am
    Perception Altaira Send a private message to Altaira Mar 13 2009, 3:48pm
        Culture versus individuals Dreamdeer Send a private message to Dreamdeer Mar 13 2009, 5:14pm
            List of Admins Arwen's daughter Send a private message to Arwen's daughter Mar 13 2009, 6:17pm
                Does it need to? Inferno Send a private message to Inferno Mar 13 2009, 7:10pm
                    D'oh! I've been doing it the long way! Arwen's daughter Send a private message to Arwen's daughter Mar 13 2009, 8:05pm
                        Alternatively, to get to someone's profile... Altaira Send a private message to Altaira Mar 14 2009, 1:42am
                    Dang! My cunning tactic has been outed... / Ataahua Send a private message to Ataahua Mar 15 2009, 7:15am
                Thank you!!! // Dreamdeer Send a private message to Dreamdeer Mar 13 2009, 8:01pm
            Dreamdeer, you are a treasure. Aunt Dora Baggins Send a private message to Aunt Dora Baggins Mar 13 2009, 7:21pm
                Wow! Really? Dreamdeer Send a private message to Dreamdeer Mar 13 2009, 8:08pm
                    In that case Aunt Dora Baggins Send a private message to Aunt Dora Baggins Mar 13 2009, 9:00pm
            Admins and mods Peredhil lover Send a private message to Peredhil lover Mar 13 2009, 7:23pm
                Good tips--thanks! // Dreamdeer Send a private message to Dreamdeer Mar 13 2009, 8:09pm
                Add Kimi to that list Silverlode Send a private message to Silverlode Mar 14 2009, 6:55am
                    I *knew* I had missed someone! Thanks, Silverlode! // Peredhil lover Send a private message to Peredhil lover Mar 14 2009, 7:54am
    I feel you're being a little over-dramatic Ufthak Send a private message to Ufthak Mar 13 2009, 4:21pm
        *mods up* or Farawyn Send a private message to Farawyn Mar 14 2009, 1:16am
        to trip down memory lane a bit Annael Send a private message to Annael Mar 14 2009, 4:27am
            DON'T FORGET TORAK!!! =) // Eowyn of Penns Woods Send a private message to Eowyn of Penns Woods Mar 14 2009, 4:30am
                I AM YOUR ELDER WORM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Draupne Send a private message to Draupne Mar 16 2009, 9:50am
            Oh yes, TLE Ufthak Send a private message to Ufthak Mar 14 2009, 3:26pm
                Didn't TLE entmaiden Send a private message to entmaiden Mar 14 2009, 9:32pm
                    I don't think so Ufthak Send a private message to Ufthak Mar 14 2009, 11:24pm
                        I'm sure you're right entmaiden Send a private message to entmaiden Mar 14 2009, 11:41pm
                            Wow Ufthak Send a private message to Ufthak Mar 14 2009, 11:50pm
                                After that, entmaiden Send a private message to entmaiden Mar 15 2009, 12:01am
                                    Don't be Ufthak Send a private message to Ufthak Mar 15 2009, 12:05am
    I respect you Dreamdeer Send a private message to Dreamdeer Mar 13 2009, 5:04pm
    {{orcbane}} Aunt Dora Baggins Send a private message to Aunt Dora Baggins Mar 13 2009, 5:17pm
    I'd just like to say silneldor Send a private message to silneldor Mar 13 2009, 6:15pm
    My two cents Peredhil lover Send a private message to Peredhil lover Mar 13 2009, 7:48pm
    Thank you, Orcbane... Dreamdeer Send a private message to Dreamdeer Mar 14 2009, 2:45am
    Swan song? dernwyn Send a private message to dernwyn Mar 14 2009, 2:11pm
    sounds a lot like my family, actually... weaver Send a private message to weaver Mar 14 2009, 3:20pm
    I'm not sure GaladrielTX Send a private message to GaladrielTX Mar 14 2009, 4:47pm
    I too have seen (and experienced) bulying here Kirly Send a private message to Kirly Mar 18 2009, 6:01pm
        I can add some more... simplyaven Send a private message to simplyaven Mar 19 2009, 3:11pm
            Can you provide an example Elizabeth Send a private message to Elizabeth Mar 20 2009, 8:41am
                It's usually just very cleverly implied.// Eowyn of Penns Woods Send a private message to Eowyn of Penns Woods Mar 20 2009, 5:00pm
                How about J.K.Rowling's homosexual character? simplyaven Send a private message to simplyaven Mar 20 2009, 7:21pm
                Buried in N.E. Brigand Send a private message to N.E. Brigand Mar 20 2009, 10:19pm
                    WNEBCFTPFY Aunt Dora Baggins Send a private message to Aunt Dora Baggins Mar 20 2009, 11:51pm
                        Yup. N.E. Brigand Send a private message to N.E. Brigand Mar 21 2009, 12:38am
                    I'm unimpressed. Elizabeth Send a private message to Elizabeth Mar 21 2009, 1:08am
                        my thoughts on hurt feelings Annael Send a private message to Annael Mar 21 2009, 3:33pm
                            I think there's a second component to that Magpie Send a private message to Magpie Mar 21 2009, 4:07pm
                            Not really so simplyaven Send a private message to simplyaven Mar 23 2009, 2:43pm
                                Ok, you disagreed Elizabeth Send a private message to Elizabeth Mar 23 2009, 9:45pm
                                    At the risk of piling on, I was thinking this same thing myself. Aunt Dora Baggins Send a private message to Aunt Dora Baggins Mar 24 2009, 12:11am
                                    that's my reaction too Annael Send a private message to Annael Mar 24 2009, 2:10pm
                                    It also depends on one's sensitivity simplyaven Send a private message to simplyaven Mar 24 2009, 2:43pm
                                        (looks simplyaven in the virtual eye) orcbane Mar 24 2009, 4:10pm
                                            Bwa ha ha! Hillarious! :) // simplyaven Send a private message to simplyaven Mar 24 2009, 6:17pm
                                        A better interpretation of what I meant Annael Send a private message to Annael Mar 24 2009, 8:06pm
                                            for example Annael Send a private message to Annael Mar 24 2009, 8:32pm
                                    Right. Aerin Send a private message to Aerin Mar 24 2009, 8:11pm
    Bullying? 2gp: SirDennisC Send a private message to SirDennisC Mar 22 2009, 4:30pm

 
 
 

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