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Film Friday: 'Prometheus' causes spontanious clapping

News From Bree

Jun 8 2012, 5:16pm

Views: 2085
Film Friday: 'Prometheus' causes spontanious clapping

Completely crazy I know, but that evil Queen from “Thor & Bella,” is back. She didn’t die and in fact in the horribly scary future, she travels on space ships to moons that are years away. I don’t mind because she has toned down the freaky, evil magic and instead is just kinda stern but that is what happens to bosses who don’t have full support from management, which she is.

Oh and she isn’t even slightly ugly and does pushups covered with jelly preservatives and sweat, which is pretty sweet. I still don’t think she smiled once in the whole movie but, didn’t bother me.

Somebody out there in reader land thought I was, like, 15-years-old.

I wish!

Then people wouldn’t be telling me to get a job all the time.

So the movie I saw is “Prometheus,” but the truth is, it reminds me sooooo much of these shows I remember about aliens with freaky-deaky black banana heads, sharp teeth, slime skin and acid blood. First there was one about just one of these black, creepy-as-bleep death machines (with a robot modeled after the original Bilbo Baggins) and then there was a sequel with dozens of nasty aliens and their way-clingy babies.

The first one I only saw at home in full on 2.0 stereo when my parents didn’t pay attention at the video stores (the stores were like Red Box but you could actually walk inside them.) The second one I saw in the theater. I have this really fresh memory of trying not to pee my pants (I really, really had to go but couldn’t leave) and accidentally crushing this girl’s hand a little. It wasn’t like, broken or anything serious. She eventually married some other dude. (Sorry chic, I hope you read this and have the same fond memory. Show this to all the girls you know who are married in case it was her.)

Anyway, this new movie is a lot like a mash up of both of those. A bunch of scientists go to space to look for some muscled albino giants who vandalized a bunch of caves on earth but who are total lightweights and can’t hold even a cup full of alien moonshine. This Queen is with them and she is an ice queen now, with a lowercase Q, but like I said, she is unhappy middle management – which is really unhappy.

This time though, all the people with the queen are excellent actors. Especially good was this robot made to look just like Magneto when he was young, but not when he was older and looked like Gandalf. His name is David and he rules the movie with his very own kind of special robot-crazy. He is spiffy, watched “Lawrence of Arabia” and you want to play basketball and ride bikes with him but also sometimes he is a creeper and you want to run away at top speed.
But he could catch you.
Anytime he wanted.

But weird that in the future they will make robots look like people associated with “Lord of the Rings” movies. Kinda gives me an idea of what kind of robot to make that looks like Aragorn – you know – just for the women.

So this space ship flies away for a couple of years. Now, if you haven’t guessed, I am not a scientist. Also I didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn last night or any night; I think for they money I can do better. But the closest star to Earth is Proxima Centauri, which is more than four light years away and these scientist weirdoes say out loud (or maybe it was creepy David) they have been sleeping for two years plus some months, days, hours and minutes, but they probably can’t travel faster than light speed, so were they awake for a long time and then only went to sleep later? Or how did they get there so fast? More like 22 years. I mean they still ride four wheelers when they get there so, light speed? Notice to you silly screenwriters, use Google when you make stuff up because we will catch you.

It made me feel weird to type that.

So anywho, if you have watched a commercial for this flick, you already know they have the coolest mapping equipment ever seen with these glowing red balls (globes for the dirty minded) and then they discover some mighty peculiar black buildings on this distant-but-not-that-distant moon and you also already know, really everybody knows, that things go, well, uh, bad.

At this point I should tell you: Don’t bring the kids, but you probably already knew that. The other thing I should tell you is, as my granny used to say, “make a poo poo before you go.” Those of you who demand dignity in a writing thing about a movie: Plan ahead and vacate your bowels at home. Look, I am not going to pretend that this scary movie is going to make you poop your pants. It isn’t, unless you already poop your pants and then, no offense to you, we all have problems. But when things start to go bad, you are going to sit in your movie chair, and clench up. Really tight. You are going to squirm in your seat, your heart is going to race, you are going to sweat a little and it might be hours and hours before you can “go” again, so take care of it at home. (And don’t hold hands — see above.)

The hilarious thing about this is, when it starts, the all-knowing audience can see it coming but wholly cow, it will freak you anyway. The tentacle people (if you don’t know who I mean, be very glad) are going to build a monumental statue to the glory of this one part. Might even worship it. I hope real aliens never get any ideas from this flick and I hope real aliens don’t have bodies that look so much like human private parts. But this crazy audience watched this scene as horrified as I can remember seeing in a theater in decades (cuse I am not 15) and when it was over, they clapped.

In the middle of the freaking movie, they clapped. Dude ran to the top of the stairs and did a Rocky pose with both arms to the sky and the hipsters were glad to see it. People high-fived. One person rolled in the isle. Tears of joy were shed, hands were crushed, babies will be more in nine months — and lots and lots and lots of clenching up.

Then there is this medical part. Don’t let anybody tell you about it and don’t cover your eyes.

But lets pause for a moment and yell at the screenwriters again. Send them angry tweets with your mean, angry face photos. A bunch of scientists (really “smart” people) are YEARS away from earth and family and the beach and Del Taco, and they go to this screwy, empty moon world, and when they find a little air, they decide they should take off their helmets. Nobody nobody nobody nobody is going to take off their helmet ten minutes after arriving on a moon with underground castles and a landing strip. Nobody. Superman would leave his helmet on and if he didn’t Bat-Man would kick his teeth in because he wouldn’t want to risk being contaminated by stuff that is weird and undetectable because you know, it’s ON A NEW WORLD! Duh. Plus, they don’t pay attention to the little things that are science like, stuff crawling on the ground.

So I want to stop now because I don’t want to ruin anything — better to go in blind. And not to be a cinema or art geek (too late) but somebody better send H.R. Giger a love letter and bottles of drink and massage gift certificates and then go rub his feet in person for inspiring the design of this moon’s housing projects. Maybe they already did, because I didn’t get a press kit (yes studio publicist people, this is me giving you the hard stare) but that dude’s double-helix things are on the screen pretty much always and that gave lots of juice to the audience celebration. It is not only bad-to-the-bone but bad-to-the-creepy-exoskeleton. Can’t say enough really, so imagine about three more paragraphs of praise with extra smart sentences that leap off your computer screen and make you quote them on Twitter.

Your eyes will be having an organic-mechanical-nightmare-technology-furniture-party with balloons and dancers so if you dig that, go buy a ticket. If you don’t dig that, “Anne of Green Gables,” is probably on PBS, definitely on Netflix.

Remind your brain not to get too pissed though when some stuff, like I already said, comes and your mind screams that high-pitched sound they used three times in the movie commercial that haunts you.

In fact, I bet that is where they got that sound, from some focus-group audience brain. The awesomeness of most of the two hours makes the moments of hillbilly writing that I didn’t mention all of (sorry real hillbillies, you aren’t good at space stuff) so irritating.

Last thing, there are two endings. One sets up ideas for the next film and the ideas are so sweet and so adventurous and so pure sci-fi horror and so spacey and so promising that I was giving them the thumbs up from my chair. Hot.

Then they tack on a little postcard that isn’t awesome, like when your Aunt sends you a note from Preston, Idaho. My director’s cut would be 20 seconds shorter. In fact, just leave early. So, mostly I like the movie and I want to see more ice queen flicks, because, hey, we hardly knew you, and more pushups would be good. But, also to the movie sometimes: DUH! Still, fingers crossed for a sequel.


Jun 8 2012, 11:01pm

Views: 1730
I saw it last night

While the film did have flaws to it I still liked it a lot. My friends and I stayed up quite late last night discussing the film.

-Sir are you classified as human
-Negative, I am a meat-popsicle

Grey Havens

Jun 9 2012, 12:07am

Views: 1718

Cool, a cross-franchise post from News From Bree. Very nice.

Could it please be edited to correct the encoding? It's very difficult to read.

Registered User

Jun 9 2012, 1:21am

Views: 1739

Worst of all the Alien films. Not very good at all.

Grey Havens

Jun 9 2012, 3:24am

Views: 1702

Prometheus can in no way be worse than what can only be called a snuff film, Alien 3, with the gratuitous murder of Newt, Hicks and Bishop - and then Ripley - by the writers, writing off all the meaning and significance of Cameron's far superior Aliens. I ignore Alien 3 and utterly deny its canonical existence as being just mean-spirited fan fiction. There's nothing worse.


Jun 9 2012, 3:27am

Views: 1689
I'll be heading to main to read it

since I can't manage to read stuff like that - whether it's deliberate (as in posters who don't care to spell or format properly) or not deliberate (as in coding issues).

Here's a link if you're interested:

LOTR soundtrack website ~ magpie avatar gallery
TORn History Mathom-house ~ Torn Image Posting Guide

SandWitch King

Jun 9 2012, 4:25am

Views: 1703
No ability

The dude who posted the movie, me, doesn't have powers to fix it here. So, prolly hafta read it out front. Apologies.

Board names nobody has used yet: TheWightBrother(s), Barrow Wong, Pryftan, Elvish Pressley . . . email or message me further suggestions!


Jun 9 2012, 5:03am

Views: 1667
Well I would have to say

that while Alien 3 wasn't great, you still have Alien:Resurrection and the two Alien vs. Predator movies. In my opinions all three of those were much worse than Alien 3.

-Sir are you classified as human
-Negative, I am a meat-popsicle

SandWitch King

Jun 9 2012, 5:30am

Views: 1673

I don't consider it an Alien film, just in the Alien universe.

And, I prefer it to anything Alien v. Predator anyway and A3 and A Res. Some weak spots, but some thrilling ones too. Blush

Board names nobody has used yet: TheWightBrother(s), Barrow Wong, Pryftan, Elvish Pressley . . . email or message me further suggestions!

Captain Salt
Tol Eressea

Jun 9 2012, 6:05pm

Views: 1680
Goes rapidly downhill after first 45 minutes

IMO the first act worked well enough, despite feeling somewhat rushed and perfunctory...however, as soon as the cast return from the pyramid for the first time, the thing just becomes increasingly muddled; riddled with inconstant, unexplained, and unbelievable characterization; missed and failed opportunities; glaring plot holes; promises for events and revelations which never occur; a non-existent narrative; and a complete lack of the epic scale and stark terror we were continually promised by Scott and Co.

Unfortunately, if Ridley Scott's name weren't all over Prometheus' advertising, you'd think JJ Abrams directed this - not surprising, given it was co-written by Abrams' mini-me, Damon Lindeloff.

3/10 stars from me. There are some striking visuals, and it's not all bad - there was just so much promise, and so little delivered. IMO, all the ingredients were there - but the film feels like it was shredded twice, one in the scripting phase, and again in the editing room. Alien and Aliens are two of my favorite movies, and I was hugely anticipating a new story set in the same universe...but this thing just plays like a two-hour trailer.

All my cinematic hopes now lie with a little Hobbit, somewhere in the wilderness. Crazy

My Top 5 Wish List for "The Hobbit"
5. Legolas will surf down Smaug's neck
4. Bilbo will be revealed to a Robot
3. Naked PJ cameo as Ghan-Buri-Ghan
2. Use not only 3D, but smell-o-vision, with axes coming out of the seats and poking the audience when appropriate
1. Not only keep the claim that Thorin & Co. ran amok in Mirkwood "molesting people", but depict said incident in vivid detail!!!!!

(This post was edited by Captain Salt on Jun 9 2012, 6:09pm)


Jun 9 2012, 8:03pm

Views: 1659
A local reviewer had some interesting comments on it

First, I really admire and enjoy Ridley Scott. I thought Alien was so brilliant it was almost unwatchable for me I was so scared. I mean, the first time I sat through it (in the theater), I was huddled in my chair. The second time, I had to leave the theater and sit in the lobby.

I wasn't planning to watch Prometheus although I thought it looked stunning and I wished it the best.

As much as I love Scott's work, I have very little admiration for the people connected with LOST. I started out loving that show, too and I was not only disappointed by how it progressed and ended, I was disappointed and disgusted in how they handled it all, including the fans. So I thought it was interesting that the reviewer kind of blamed Lindelof for (what he perceived to be) Prometheus' woes. It sounds like you had similar criticisms about it.

LOTR soundtrack website ~ magpie avatar gallery
TORn History Mathom-house ~ Torn Image Posting Guide

Captain Salt
Tol Eressea

Jun 10 2012, 3:23am

Views: 1637
Thanks for the link - he really summed up the film for me...

I agree with the reviewer's comments, and yours as well. Alas, it's always a shame when we're given an initially-intriguing premise but not the narrative ability or will to see it through.

My Top 5 Wish List for "The Hobbit"
5. Legolas will surf down Smaug's neck
4. Bilbo will be revealed to a Robot
3. Naked PJ cameo as Ghan-Buri-Ghan
2. Use not only 3D, but smell-o-vision, with axes coming out of the seats and poking the audience when appropriate
1. Not only keep the claim that Thorin & Co. ran amok in Mirkwood "molesting people", but depict said incident in vivid detail!!!!!

Tol Eressea

Jun 10 2012, 5:29am

Views: 1614
My thoughts exactly

For the first hour or so, I thought this movie was going to be really wonderful, but after a while, I got kind of annoyed at it. For a movie that seemed to be made to answer questions, it really didn't answer anything at all. By the end of the movie, I was so confused (What WAS that black stuff? Why did that guy at the beginning drink it? Why does it seem to hurt some people, but make others stronger? Why did those Engineers make humans? Why did they want to destroy humans? What does Why?), and I spent the next hour or so hunting around online to try and find some answers (/theories) to my questions.

I loved the first two Alien movies, and I can even handle the third, but this one was just disappointing. What mostly makes it disappointing, though, is that it had so much potential. I didn't walk into the theater thinking I was going to see a cheap sci-fi flick that was just pandering to Alien fans to earn more at the box office, but instead, something that really resounded with the rest of the series. But mostly, the whole movie seemed to happen because everybody on that ship was absolutely stupid.


Rules I've learned from this movie:
1. As MrCere said, if you are on a foreign planet, please do not take off your oxygen mask.
2. Do not try and pet hissing snakes on said foreign planet.
3. If you know you are being attacked by aliens, do not open the doors of your spaceship because a dead crewmate somehow ended up at your door.
4. If you find out that crewmates are poisoning each other, please do something about it. That kind of behavior is generally not acceptable.
5. Keep an automatic surgeon machine handy at all times in case you need to perform emergency C sections, as is sometimes necessary on these alien planets. You never know.
6. If half of your crew has been killed and your stomach is being held together by staples, do not go wake up the only alien left who is out there to destroy you.
7. Don't bring food anywhere, because you never need to eat when you're in space (and/or on other planets).
8. Stay on Earth.

‎"If my tongue were trained to measures, I would sing a stirring song."
--Paul Tillich

Mozart and Chocolate


Jun 10 2012, 9:30am

Views: 1619
The reasons you found it frustrating was the reason i liked it :P

I thought it was better than all alien films except 1 and 2. Though like others have said i didnt really think of it as an alien film, more just in that universe. I would give it probably 7.5/10 so pretty good really.

I liked how they didnt answer most things, it allows me to think what the reasons could be in my own time. The first half was certainly much better though up until they came back from the pyramid and then when more of the action started it wasnt so good.

I thought it was well acted and loved michael fassbender's performance.

TBH my expectation levels were not that high as i kind of learnt to not get too excited after the let down which is The Avengers - probably worst film i have seen this year. So for me to just have a film i found entertaining and visually engaging made me happy.

I do feel like its all down to the dark knight rises and more so the hobbit for the best big films of this year.


Jun 10 2012, 4:53pm

Views: 1609
great review

O'Bannon's genius lay in grounding his bleak horror havoc in ideas that preoccupy the modern psyche: social collapse, malaise and distrust of authority.

The best scripts, I've always thought, are the ones that work on the psychological level, that reflect how people tick. That's why Joss Whedon's scripts are so good: he gets people, both as individuals and in groups (and he totally gets the conflict between the individual and the group!). It's always been the role of the artist to bring into the open what's really going on in the collective psyche, long before the social scientists figure it out. A great scriptwriter is such an artist.

"LOST" lost me in the second season because it stopped making psychological sense - people began to behave in ways that the established character just wouldn't do. And I mourned the cancellation of "Dollhouse" because no matter how crazy things got, how much their minds were messed with, the characters stayed true. That was Whedon's point, I think, that you can't really destroy the essence of character. Lindelof didn't get that.

Thanks for pointing me to this reviewer.

The way we imagine our lives is the way we are going to go on living our lives.

- James Hillman, Healing Fiction

* * * * * * * * * *

NARF and member of Deplorable Cultus since 1967